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Old 04-05-2009, 04:50 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Apr 2009
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New to the site and really struggling

I left my abf in August when he started drinking again after a full hospital detox and weeks of sobriety - I had told him that this would happen, as I was becoming ill from the stress of his illness. I managed to maintain little contact despite desperately wanting to go back to him, as I realised that the cycle of our relationship was destructive to both of us. I found out in December that he had met somebody else and he rang me on New Years Eve to tell me to move on with my life as he had done so. Since then, I have struggled to cope at all. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he had moved in with this new woman and wanted to marry her which absolutely devastated me. On top of this I heard that he had punched her and been locked up for it, but she has taken him back. I was with him for four years and he never touched me. Last week I received a call from his mum to tell me that he had had two fits and was covered in bruises and had been rushed into hospital. He is now on another detox and my heart is breaking that he is there and I can have nothing to do with him, as I am nothing to do with him anymore.
I know in my head that I did the right thing, but my heart is just not linking up with this. I still desperately love this man, I know that the woman he is with doesn't have a clue what she is dealing with - she believes that when he comes out of hospital everything will be wonderful and he won't drink anymore and they can live happily ever after.
I sit and wait for him to contact me and yet know that he is not going to. I am trying to move on with my life, go out with friends etc, but my heart is with him. If I was able to go back, I know that it would be awful again within a few weeks, as even when he was sober he was very distant and withdrawn.
I honestly don't know what to do or how to feel, but crying day after day is not helping at all. Will I ever be happy and content again???
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Old 04-05-2009, 05:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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There is a Friends and Family support board on here as well, just so you know.

I nearly drank myself to death over a long period of time and it was situations in my life that happened to get me to the point where it had to be enough for me. Trying to stop drinking or doing drugs is hard. I don't know how to explain it. I can tell you that long ago before it was a "problem" for me I wondered what the deal was with people who were addicted. After my own struggles I can tell that I was indeed a very sick person. It was horrible, I wanted to stop but couldn't. So glad I am not there today.

I had a lot of support from SOME family and friends which was a great help. My X (our marriage wasn't well for years however) served me with divorce papers. This you may understand a little. I was mad at him then, however I'm so glad I'm not married to him now, that marriage/relationship was a sick one and if I ever go back................. heh, I know I'd relapse, so NO MORE!!!!!!!!! My life is better today and I've been sober for 1 1/2 years now.

You should be focused on you. Four years is a long time so I can understand why you feel how you feel but YOU deserve a better life as well. You deserve someone that's healthy and who wants to have a healthy relationship with you.

I have yet to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I hear they're great. Even if you two are no longer together you may be able to go, raise your hand and share what's going on with you and I bet a lot of people there will be able to support you and give you insight. The great thing about this program is that there are resources for everyone so we can all move forward to our greatest goal which is to be in a better place.

My best to you.
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Old 04-05-2009, 05:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Josie, there is the link to the Friends and Family forum. I bet if you copied and pasted what you wrote up there and pasted a new thread over there you'd get a ton of great responses. GOOD LUCK!!!

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 04-05-2009, 05:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I agree with posting in the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum. Also, you may want to give AlAnon a try. Lots of support there and probably some good advice on moving past your relationship with your ex. I wish you the best, and welcome to the family!:ghug3
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Old 04-05-2009, 06:09 AM   #5 (permalink)

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There is also a thread in the Newcomers Daily Support threads that is titled Codependent
or something similar that I am finding incredibly helpful!

A few years ago I was in a very similar situation.
I was so crushed! It hurts to the core, I know!

Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

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