Serious
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Serious
I am starting a new thread that is a journal for me. I started one called Bottoms nearly 2 years ago and went on to have 6 months sobriety, that ended new year 2008.
I drank a few one off times in the first few months of 2008, literally one night of drinking followed by weeks (even months) of not drinking, it wasn't causing any problems at that time but very slowly one night started turning into 3 or 5 days and that is enough to half kill me as my body cannot take that kind of binging. These episodes happened about once a month in the second half of 2008, I even went 2 months sober before Xmas.
It may sound strange but it was quite a good year, I was sober 90% of the time, I worked on myself through inventory and meditation (though I could never totally accept AA, I like steps 10 and 11 and even found something I could call a higher power I could tune into through meditation and mindfulness), I attended a gym for a while, I was more balanced mentally and had more peace of mind than I had ever had really, went to counselling, I tried to keep busier and be less selfish, I tried to live in the day.
I was happier than I have ever been..... most of the time....BUT something in me keeps wanting to and letting myself drink. I know what the consequences will be, I will get a buzz for a few hours then black out for 3-5 days and then wake up too ill to even leave the house to buy more.....then comes the pain and anguish and I really can't emphasise the pain and anguish enough here, physical pain in my stomach, chest and depression, anxiety and paranoia out of control. All in all it takes about 2 weeks to recover. A few years ago I would drink again as soon as I recovered, now I can go another 2 weeks, sometimes more. At the beginning of this year I went 40 days sober and din't even want to drink, thought I had it cracked (uh-oh).
That brings me up to date, I plan to keep doing the things that have been helping me, I am dropping AA though as I was never into it. Steps 10 and 11 are great and I still do them, you could just call it mindfulness, meditation and self-inventory. Sounds like Buddhism really.
So what am I going to do different? I don't know, keep doing the stuff that gave me a good year last year and try to add "something"? Be more committed and less lazy?
I am starting this thread as a place to come most days and be honest with myself, sometimes when writing something comes out that I wasn't aware of before. I hope people will post here and say hello and offer their thoughts BUT I really don't want it to turn into another "Bottoms" thread, Bottoms evolved naturally into a thread for people to check into, be silly etc and that is fine but this thread has to be serious for my recovery.
Serious about recovery.....or it will kill me, if I start binging like I used to and keep it up for a period of time then that is what will happen.
The sad thing is part of me still wants to get wasted and after a period of time I seem to forget the pain involved and do it again. I do not want to be here next year saying all this again...that would be very sad.
I need to grow the hell up and grow some balls, I toyed with the idea of calling the thread "balls" but decided against it.
I drank a few one off times in the first few months of 2008, literally one night of drinking followed by weeks (even months) of not drinking, it wasn't causing any problems at that time but very slowly one night started turning into 3 or 5 days and that is enough to half kill me as my body cannot take that kind of binging. These episodes happened about once a month in the second half of 2008, I even went 2 months sober before Xmas.
It may sound strange but it was quite a good year, I was sober 90% of the time, I worked on myself through inventory and meditation (though I could never totally accept AA, I like steps 10 and 11 and even found something I could call a higher power I could tune into through meditation and mindfulness), I attended a gym for a while, I was more balanced mentally and had more peace of mind than I had ever had really, went to counselling, I tried to keep busier and be less selfish, I tried to live in the day.
I was happier than I have ever been..... most of the time....BUT something in me keeps wanting to and letting myself drink. I know what the consequences will be, I will get a buzz for a few hours then black out for 3-5 days and then wake up too ill to even leave the house to buy more.....then comes the pain and anguish and I really can't emphasise the pain and anguish enough here, physical pain in my stomach, chest and depression, anxiety and paranoia out of control. All in all it takes about 2 weeks to recover. A few years ago I would drink again as soon as I recovered, now I can go another 2 weeks, sometimes more. At the beginning of this year I went 40 days sober and din't even want to drink, thought I had it cracked (uh-oh).
That brings me up to date, I plan to keep doing the things that have been helping me, I am dropping AA though as I was never into it. Steps 10 and 11 are great and I still do them, you could just call it mindfulness, meditation and self-inventory. Sounds like Buddhism really.
So what am I going to do different? I don't know, keep doing the stuff that gave me a good year last year and try to add "something"? Be more committed and less lazy?
I am starting this thread as a place to come most days and be honest with myself, sometimes when writing something comes out that I wasn't aware of before. I hope people will post here and say hello and offer their thoughts BUT I really don't want it to turn into another "Bottoms" thread, Bottoms evolved naturally into a thread for people to check into, be silly etc and that is fine but this thread has to be serious for my recovery.
Serious about recovery.....or it will kill me, if I start binging like I used to and keep it up for a period of time then that is what will happen.
The sad thing is part of me still wants to get wasted and after a period of time I seem to forget the pain involved and do it again. I do not want to be here next year saying all this again...that would be very sad.
I need to grow the hell up and grow some balls, I toyed with the idea of calling the thread "balls" but decided against it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Glad you are posting this stoney....
I know for me it was soooo important and still is to go back to what I know works for me....after 29 years of recognizing that I am an alchohlic and fighting this disease...I currently have 20 mos sober....For me, really recognizing what in the past (recent and far) has worked and picking up those tools has been key
As you know, the buddhist thing is key for me.....
Difference between me in 85 and me today....Today the results of drinking are far far more serious if i mess up this deal....
You were the one that I held on to one day a few months ago when everything in me screamed to go out and get that bottle....If you ever need a human hand to hold along the way (ok well internet hand)....I'll be there in a heart beat. That's why we are at this site right????:ghug3
I know for me it was soooo important and still is to go back to what I know works for me....after 29 years of recognizing that I am an alchohlic and fighting this disease...I currently have 20 mos sober....For me, really recognizing what in the past (recent and far) has worked and picking up those tools has been key
As you know, the buddhist thing is key for me.....
Difference between me in 85 and me today....Today the results of drinking are far far more serious if i mess up this deal....
You were the one that I held on to one day a few months ago when everything in me screamed to go out and get that bottle....If you ever need a human hand to hold along the way (ok well internet hand)....I'll be there in a heart beat. That's why we are at this site right????:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Hi Stone!
I could very much relate to your post. There's no denying that we have this disease for life, and it actually seems to worsen undetected when we don't drink. Strange. But anyways, one of the things that helps me is, when I have a craving, to isolate the "why now". Once I can pinpoint what is making me antsy, I can push it away and examine it with detachment. You can tell that I am into Eastern philosophies as well. The other thing I've realized is that, primarily, FOR ME, drinking is a way to shut off my mind (which is constantly in hyperdrive). So I need to find something ELSE that accomplishes the same thing. Yoga is a start for me as well as seriously cutting back on my caffeine intake. I think that each of us needs to pinpoint what drinking "does" for us individually and then address THAT. Because "that" is the REAL problem. We just use alcohol to DEAL with it.
I could very much relate to your post. There's no denying that we have this disease for life, and it actually seems to worsen undetected when we don't drink. Strange. But anyways, one of the things that helps me is, when I have a craving, to isolate the "why now". Once I can pinpoint what is making me antsy, I can push it away and examine it with detachment. You can tell that I am into Eastern philosophies as well. The other thing I've realized is that, primarily, FOR ME, drinking is a way to shut off my mind (which is constantly in hyperdrive). So I need to find something ELSE that accomplishes the same thing. Yoga is a start for me as well as seriously cutting back on my caffeine intake. I think that each of us needs to pinpoint what drinking "does" for us individually and then address THAT. Because "that" is the REAL problem. We just use alcohol to DEAL with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
I just wanted to offer my support too, Stone... I have gained so much from reading what you post in my time on SR. You won't let this thing get you, you get up and keep fighting. I know it will *stick* soon... hopefully NOW!
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Hey, Stone. I got you're back too. And just when I was planning on hiding out in SC... 
Those binges sound really scary. Like one of my worst times 10 or 20. Stop that.
"Balls" woulda been a good title too...
P.S. I shoulda known you were the originator of "Bottoms"... I think I figured it was you or Dee, lol... you da legend man.
Those binges sound really scary. Like one of my worst times 10 or 20. Stop that.
"Balls" woulda been a good title too...
P.S. I shoulda known you were the originator of "Bottoms"... I think I figured it was you or Dee, lol... you da legend man.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
set realistic goals, and stick to 'em, stone. you have a lot of interests and talents - use them to grow confidence and to do some good for others.
and come HERE or go somewhere when it gets tough, ok?
that's my 2 cents worth.
and come HERE or go somewhere when it gets tough, ok?
that's my 2 cents worth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Great idea Stone, make sure you post every day (or as much as you can) I have decided to start a journal and it is so difficult to even write in there every day.
But you are right sometimes when you read it back there are there is stuff there that you didnt realise was an issue.
I find that even though I'm not in denial about my alcoholism I am in denial about a lot of other things, facing up to my real problems and feelings is going to be tough but I feel that identifying some of them is a real start.
Good luck with everything.
But you are right sometimes when you read it back there are there is stuff there that you didnt realise was an issue.
I find that even though I'm not in denial about my alcoholism I am in denial about a lot of other things, facing up to my real problems and feelings is going to be tough but I feel that identifying some of them is a real start.
Good luck with everything.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
