Toomutch

Children are the best teachers in the world. They teach young women how to be mothers and young men how to be fathers. They teach older men and women how to be grandparents. They even teach other children how to be brothers and sisters.
Think about all the skills children teach people. They teach moms to become nurses and dads how to be heroes. They teach brothers and sisters how to share… toys, rooms, dreams and cookies, they even teach teachers how to teach in creative and fun ways.
Children teach the world how to love. They teach us to look past a persons’ skin color right to his or her heart, they teach us how to be honest, open and innocent. And they teach us how to hug and laugh and be enthusiastic.
Children make us keep our promises because they never forget one that we make. They even make us into scientists and professors by asking “why?” about everything that moves and many things that don’t.
Isn’t it interesting that while we are teaching our children to be adults, they are teaching us how to be children? That’s especially important when we remember what Jesus said, “Let the little Children come to me, and do nothing to hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).
On Raising Children
Mary Hollingsworth

My biggest regret while I was drinking is how it affected my children. I was a binge drinker for the first 4 years of there lives. Only on weekends, never in front of the children. I would come home drunk, but they would be in bed. At around that 4th years I was hospitalized for sucidal tendencies and realized my drinking had gotten really bad that last year. I was drinking every night, working at a bar for extra money for the home we had built. Anyway I had dt's the first few days I was there. When I left 13 days later, I jumped out of my marriage and into another relationship within a month with the man who is now my husband.

For the next 7 years I didn't drink at all. After those 7 years we had a major family crisis and I began drinking again for 3 years before I quit this last time and now have another 13 months sober.

So for the 3 years I was drinking heavily my kids were 12, 13, 14, 15. They will always remember... My hope is that they all learned by watching me it isn't something that they want to do. So far so good.

Point is during those 3 heavy drinking years, what did I learn from them? Absolutely nothing... What did they learn from me? Absolutely nothing good...

I am so happy that I am sober now for my kids to witness. I hope they never pick up because with the long line of alcoholics in my family, I dont think they would stand a chance. I was addicted from my first drink at 15.

I just felt like sharing this morning.

Mark75

I have four kids too, now 14,16,18 and 20. When my 18 year old went away to her first year of college, 2 weeks later I was off to rehab for 2 months.

I think alot about the last 3 years too, when I was most active. And all years of a child's development are critical, and I sort of missed 3 of them. I was there, and did stuff, good stuff with them. We all love each other... but the development that I needed to make as they grew into adults, off to school,... well that was stunted. So now I'm 6.5 months sober and two of them are away now at school, becoming adults... how did that happen? how am I supposed to feel, how do they feel?... well it's not about me.

I guess I wasn't really there to learn from them, those (not so) tiny teachers. Thank God I am now...

Nice post

Mark

Tazman53

You know time heals all wounds, but it sadly can not be relived, this is one reason why I need to stay in today. My 2 youngest are 17, they were 14 when I got sober, they had a drunk as a father, they lived through and suffered through my last 5 years..... They still oved me, but they hated what I had become.

A few nights ago one of my twins was in the kitchen with me as I was fixing dinner, she said "Dad you know I loe you right?" I said "Of course I know that.", she said "No Dad, I really love you and I am sorry for how bad I must have made you feel when you were drinking and I told you I hated you.".................

Wow!!! This rocked me back on my heels, I have been sober for over 2 1/2 years, she has told me she loves me thousands of times since I got sober, but this was something she wanted to make sure I understood!

I explained to her that yes it hurt when you said you hated me, but that I understand why you did, I told her that I knew she did not hate me, she hated who what I had become. She proceeded to tell me how much I had changed (crying now) since I got sober, how much she really loved me and that she bragged to her friends about me!

They do forgive, it takes time, more then we would like, but I have no choice in the amount of time, I know what I was like, I know the hell I put them through, even though it has taken her this long to get to the point of forgiveness she is at today, it was well worth the wait and the effort.

Time takes time.

TooMutch thanks for the post, yes they do teach us, mine has taught me that forgiveness is possible with time if I keep doing the next right thing. Not kiss her butt, but simply being the best dad I can be.

Mark75

Wow, Taz, thanx for sharing that. And Toomutch for the OP... I've been thinking alot about my kids and trying to reconcile "the missing years" lately...

Toomutch

Taz - Reading your post brought happy tears to my eyes thinking about the kind words your daughter said to you. :ghug3

Toomutch

Cubile - I understand trying to make since of the missing years. I have tried and came up with nothing. All I can do is be the best mom I can be from here on out. As far as those missing years... Thinking of them gives me 4 more reasons to stay sober, 1 for each kid.

Tazman53

Cubile as TooMutch said I will say in slightly different words, we can not change the past, it is done and over, if we try to live in the past we lose our present and even our future because we are trying to live in a place that we can not live.

What we have is today, today we can make amends for our past by being the best parent, child, sibling, grand parent, aunt or uncle, etc. We can only make those amends today by liviing in today.

Stepping out of my past and being in today has allowed me to make amends for my past, if I was still living in my past the amends would never get made.

Aysha

Thank you for this Suzette.
Kids are truly amazing. Arent they
I dont have any of my own and never will.
But my lil cousins keep so grounded and show me how simple pleasures are what is important.
The innocence and curiosity. The honesty and unconditional love they have.
We are not born this way. We are taught.
I often wonder when in my own childhood did I lose all that.
But I try not to dwell. But it does make me wonder sometimes.
Be proud of yourself. I know your kids can see a change in you.
Thanks again for this post.

Mark75

Lately, as I become more comfortable in sobriety, I become more comfortable being in today... in fact it is the only place to be... I am trusting my HP (God) to continue restoring me to sanity... that way I don't worry about having to do it all by myself... just do the next right thing, and don't drink... and then I hope that discussions like that you had with your daughter will happen in their own time... People like yourself and Toomutch, people who take the time to "pass it on", help keep my faith strong that those gifts will come...

Mark

Toomutch

Out of curiosity I just asked my son Cam to look back over his childhood and recall how he remembers me, as a drinker or non drinker. He said " mom you were never a drinker until Naomi left and you started drinking." I asked him how he felt during the 3 years I was drinking. He said " I can speak for all of us kids when I say that life quit being fun.! We couldn't stand being around you, or going out to dinner or even on vacation with you... It made life miserable!"

For some reason his words didn't sting as much as I thought they might, I guess because I knew deep down inside and was ready for the truth.

I appoligized to Cameron, as I will appoligize to the rest of my kids. I will ask them all about how they felt about the 3 years I was drinking. It may be cleansing for them, and I need to here the truth. I think this will make us all stronger.

adore79

Thanks for this thread Suz. :ghug

Toomutch

Your welcome sweetheart! I've missed you!

adore79

Missed you too . I hope I'm not out of line saying this, I really dont know your pain, but I really hope that one day you can find true peace regarding Naomi and that you did the right thing for her. I know you will. :ghug3

Toomutch

Your not out of line at all. I'm surprised someone even remembered the Naomi thread. Thanks for caring. :ghug3

coffeenut

This thread hit me right in the head. I drank for ALL of my children's childhood. But only after 5:00, so that was okay, right? Yeah.....I recently told my adult daughter that the only thing I would change in my life was my drinking. And she replied that she rarely saw me drunk, and I certainly wasn't alcoholic.

Well.....even if they didn't know I was drunk...my behavior was that of a drunk. The choices I made then, are certainly not the choices I would make now.

I think that's why when I see a newcomer with kids....I always try to plant the seed that their childrens lives ARE being affected.

I thank you for this thread.

least

Based on our horrible interaction last night, my youngest (defiant kid) is teaching me that I'm a horrible mother. And that I will never reach her or be able to help her and love her. I am lost and afraid and feel horrible.

I love her dearly but she knows just how to torture me, how to suck me into her f*cked up mind and do more damage. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I should just leave her alone. At least I can't do any damage if I have nothing to do with her. Like the doctor's edict: First, do no harm. I have done more harm and am hating myself right now.

Her behavior and attitude was horrible, but I reacted just as badly. I feel like a failure.


I won't drink over it but I wish I could just disappear forever. I can't do any more damage if I'm not around her.

Tazman53

Least what you can do is to simply stay sober and be the best you can be.

I learned in my program that when I start to get better I will stop fightiing and reap the rewards. I have been disrespected and insulted by my wife and children because of the pain and harm I have brought to them.

I found in early sobriety that even though I was sober my family still had a great deal of resentment towards what I had done to them and they needed to just get it out, when I would argue/fight with them I was simply prolonging the pain I had caused them.

Once I quit the arguing/fighting with them and let them vent their hurt and anger, they were able to begin thier own recovery and slowly they found forgiveness, love and even respect for me..... but I had to quit fighting and just let it happen.

Toomutch

Least - I agree with Taz. As hard as it may be just listen and when she's finished with her rant, then respond. Ask her where her anger is coming from, be prepared to here the truth. As strange as it might sound, you may find it healing.

I'm not sure if I would shut out communication with her... She does have anger. However it may be wise to draw the line with name calling and bullying. :ghug3

Tazman53

There is an entire chapter in the BB that speaks about the family of the alcoholic and how they have just as much to recover from as we do, this is what led to Alanon. We as the alcoholics need to allow our families to recover just as much as we need to recover.

I really feel in many cases the families have more to recover from then we do. I view as part of my amends allowing/helping them in their recovery, God knows I put my family through enough crap over the years, they have a right to be POed & just as much as a right to recover from my actions as I have to recover. I am the root cause of many of their resentments and of their anger.