guilty? Nope...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
guilty? Nope...
So I went out with my fiance about 3 nights ago, we had one drink each on her birthday. The strange thing is, I was determined to give it all up, but tonight, I've had at LEAST 6 beers. BUT I'm not craving any more. This is really complicated for me. And I guess you guys too....
so I've had a few, and now Im relatively drunk... I know I said adamantly I was done with all this so what the hell drive me to drink AGAIN?
I dont feel guilty and I dont feel stupid, right now in fact I have quite a nice buzz, and my fiance is passed out on the couch.... bloody hell...
As in, im not to far gone, and im not regretting, having that 1st beer...
In my head though, I'd rather have a completely sober life, but it keeps coming back and biting me in the ass... what the hell is this?
I have to admit, to everyone here, (as I refuse to hide anything) that I loooove to get a buzz on... if I;m completely honest, I've had a really good night....
I need opinions on this, far and wide, please, and thankyou for your time...
me.
PS.... Psychological stuff is betraying me right now!!!
Thanks guys....
bloody hell i think I relapsed......
hellllppppp...
so I've had a few, and now Im relatively drunk... I know I said adamantly I was done with all this so what the hell drive me to drink AGAIN?
I dont feel guilty and I dont feel stupid, right now in fact I have quite a nice buzz, and my fiance is passed out on the couch.... bloody hell...
As in, im not to far gone, and im not regretting, having that 1st beer...
In my head though, I'd rather have a completely sober life, but it keeps coming back and biting me in the ass... what the hell is this?
I have to admit, to everyone here, (as I refuse to hide anything) that I loooove to get a buzz on... if I;m completely honest, I've had a really good night....
I need opinions on this, far and wide, please, and thankyou for your time...
me.
PS.... Psychological stuff is betraying me right now!!!
Thanks guys....
bloody hell i think I relapsed......
hellllppppp...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
That's why they say we can't have just one...
cause we're addicts!
Someday you may get tired of the "original" method of staying clean/sober, and then you may decide to do what has worked for so many of us...complete abstinence coupled with a formal program of stepwork and a sponsor and meetings and all that stuff.
This is actually quite an irresponsible post. For one, you're describing your buzz, which may trigger others reading to crave alcohol. For another, you're posting while you are drunk. Why not come back on here sober when you can absorb some of the experience, strength, and hope that people who've managed to stay sober can give you?
And BTW, if you aren't feeling guilty, and you're enjoying this buzz sooooo much...what are you doing here asking for helllllppppp???
Love,
KJ
cause we're addicts!
Someday you may get tired of the "original" method of staying clean/sober, and then you may decide to do what has worked for so many of us...complete abstinence coupled with a formal program of stepwork and a sponsor and meetings and all that stuff.
This is actually quite an irresponsible post. For one, you're describing your buzz, which may trigger others reading to crave alcohol. For another, you're posting while you are drunk. Why not come back on here sober when you can absorb some of the experience, strength, and hope that people who've managed to stay sober can give you?
And BTW, if you aren't feeling guilty, and you're enjoying this buzz sooooo much...what are you doing here asking for helllllppppp???
Love,
KJ
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
welcome to alcoholism original LOL
My alcoholism used to do this - I was done, it was over - and then...somehow...I drank - and every so often just to screw with myself I'd have a really good night.
But I could never control the outcome and of course it never EVER stayed with good nights - never did, never will.
And...eventually...there were no good nights. No good days either.
Whatever the reasons you had for coming here to SR, they're all still there. Every one of them.
When we're at a stage where alcohol is still sometimes 'working' the way we want it to, it's so goddamn hard to remember the bad times. But they're coming - again.
Look at yourself - you had one drink a few nights back - now 6...it's the way this thing works - exponentially....and insidiously
Think about it tomorrow, ok?
D
My alcoholism used to do this - I was done, it was over - and then...somehow...I drank - and every so often just to screw with myself I'd have a really good night.
But I could never control the outcome and of course it never EVER stayed with good nights - never did, never will.
And...eventually...there were no good nights. No good days either.
Whatever the reasons you had for coming here to SR, they're all still there. Every one of them.
When we're at a stage where alcohol is still sometimes 'working' the way we want it to, it's so goddamn hard to remember the bad times. But they're coming - again.
Look at yourself - you had one drink a few nights back - now 6...it's the way this thing works - exponentially....and insidiously
Think about it tomorrow, ok?
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I find looking at my first posts on here help to remind me why I am here & why I am trying to stay sober... here is your 1st post \/
Originally Posted by original 
Blackouts did it for me. Went to a bar with a friend two weeks back, we had two jugs of beer and about 8 triple whiskeys between us. The last thing I remember was talking to the barmaid. Then waking up the next morning. Yep I'd took the car to the bar (it's just up the road), and then back again.
I rang him because I WANTED to know what happened.
I drove us home.
VERY VERY scary stuff.
I still can't recollect half the night to this day.
And that was enough for me to get the ball rolling, and decide to quit for good.
I could have hit someone on the road, or outrun a cop, anything could have happened. It hits home as well how EASY it is to get into a car after a night out.
Rule of thumb... if you're not ready to give up drinking yet- do NOT take your car to the bar.
I still feel guilty about that today. (quit on the 16th)
Just today I found 2 bottles of beer in my trunk, probably from that night,(I have a bad habit of opening bottles with my teeth- I know, I know) opened them and got a drop of beer in my mouth just prior to emptying them into the sink. I even felt guilty about that- so I think I'm going to be just fine...
I have come to realise, that alcohol is TERRIFYING!
Having said that, I was flying around in a Pitts Special a few weeks back and that, was utter bliss. Open cockpit...inverted flight...3000 feet- nowhere nearly as scary as alcohol. And I'm scared of heights!
I rang him because I WANTED to know what happened.
I drove us home.
VERY VERY scary stuff.
I still can't recollect half the night to this day.
And that was enough for me to get the ball rolling, and decide to quit for good.
I could have hit someone on the road, or outrun a cop, anything could have happened. It hits home as well how EASY it is to get into a car after a night out.
Rule of thumb... if you're not ready to give up drinking yet- do NOT take your car to the bar.
I still feel guilty about that today. (quit on the 16th)
Just today I found 2 bottles of beer in my trunk, probably from that night,(I have a bad habit of opening bottles with my teeth- I know, I know) opened them and got a drop of beer in my mouth just prior to emptying them into the sink. I even felt guilty about that- so I think I'm going to be just fine...
I have come to realise, that alcohol is TERRIFYING!
Having said that, I was flying around in a Pitts Special a few weeks back and that, was utter bliss. Open cockpit...inverted flight...3000 feet- nowhere nearly as scary as alcohol. And I'm scared of heights!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
EDIT: Opps Sorry... I took from the quote from the top of the last page instead of the bottom.
This is your real 1st post here on SR \/
P.S. Please dont take this the wrong way, I am only trying to help. I look forward to reminders of my first post when I am slipping (I just read mine again... scary)
All the best NB
This is your real 1st post here on SR \/
P.S. Please dont take this the wrong way, I am only trying to help. I look forward to reminders of my first post when I am slipping (I just read mine again... scary)
All the best NB
Originally Posted by original
After a failed start to my sobreity, (everyone was drinking around me, I gave in), I'm now ready. From this day forth- I will NEVER succumb to alcohol again. It's nearly ruined my life multiple times before, and apart from emptying my pockets of cash and pissing people off, I'm done with it.
I wish you all the best on your own personal journeys to battle the booze.
I myself am staying clear of anyone who drinks till I get back on my feet. (that includes my partner)
I look forward to sharing my experiences with others here.
Have a great day!
I wish you all the best on your own personal journeys to battle the booze.
I myself am staying clear of anyone who drinks till I get back on my feet. (that includes my partner)
I look forward to sharing my experiences with others here.
Have a great day!
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
If getting drunk weren't fun no one would do it. The good times are so limited though. The depression sets in, and life is not good.
I've relapsed before. I hope I don't again, but I can't tell the future. There have been times I've sat in front of my computer and read forums, posting occasionally, sipping a beer the whole time.
I think whatever works to keep you sober is a good thing. I need a group but AA wasn't it for me, so here I am. At first I thought if I didn't stay sober I would sort of be shunned from the group. So early on I lied a few times, saying I'd been sober a week when I hadn't been sober 10 minutes. After a couple weeks I realized lots of people have a bad night and take a drink, and they're still here. People still like them.
I hope you read this one through in the morning. Especially your first post. That was brilliant, to repost that!
Take care, original.
I've relapsed before. I hope I don't again, but I can't tell the future. There have been times I've sat in front of my computer and read forums, posting occasionally, sipping a beer the whole time.
I think whatever works to keep you sober is a good thing. I need a group but AA wasn't it for me, so here I am. At first I thought if I didn't stay sober I would sort of be shunned from the group. So early on I lied a few times, saying I'd been sober a week when I hadn't been sober 10 minutes. After a couple weeks I realized lots of people have a bad night and take a drink, and they're still here. People still like them.
I hope you read this one through in the morning. Especially your first post. That was brilliant, to repost that!
Take care, original.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
original,
Glad to hear you enjoyed it, cause you are the one that has to wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror, looking a might more ragged. I don't envy you.
And thank you NewBeginning. I appreciate the reminder of where I came from and where I never want to go back to.
I don't ever want to feel that feeling of desperation that was so common. I almost always had this feeling of impending doom of what was going to happen next.
I don't have that today. I feel hopeful and I know what is going to happen next.
original,
So when you come back tomorrow, let us know...are you ready yet?
Peace. :ghug
Glad to hear you enjoyed it, cause you are the one that has to wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror, looking a might more ragged. I don't envy you.
And thank you NewBeginning. I appreciate the reminder of where I came from and where I never want to go back to.
I don't ever want to feel that feeling of desperation that was so common. I almost always had this feeling of impending doom of what was going to happen next.
I don't have that today. I feel hopeful and I know what is going to happen next.
original,
So when you come back tomorrow, let us know...are you ready yet?
Peace. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
You can't let yourself get into the rationalizing space. Believe me I lived there for a long time. It doesn't work.
You see, my brain is pretty good. I can put together some good arguments. I could sit here and put together a really good argument why it would be perfectly okay for me to go out and drink tonight. But I could also put together an equally good argument about why to stay home and stay sober. For me, I have learned that I have to just get out of the arguments completely, because whenever my mind starts pulling me towards drinking again, and it is convincing, I have to remind myself that it is the addict voice talking, and basically just try to shut it up and all thoughts. In my opinion you have to make a decision— for sobriety and stick to it no matter what you are thinking or feeling. Don't let the rational mind in.
You see, my brain is pretty good. I can put together some good arguments. I could sit here and put together a really good argument why it would be perfectly okay for me to go out and drink tonight. But I could also put together an equally good argument about why to stay home and stay sober. For me, I have learned that I have to just get out of the arguments completely, because whenever my mind starts pulling me towards drinking again, and it is convincing, I have to remind myself that it is the addict voice talking, and basically just try to shut it up and all thoughts. In my opinion you have to make a decision— for sobriety and stick to it no matter what you are thinking or feeling. Don't let the rational mind in.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink
Evedentally you are not to that point in your life.
You may never be...and will continue to drink.
Best of luck to you and your lady
your future is going to be difficult.
Evedentally you are not to that point in your life.
You may never be...and will continue to drink.
Best of luck to you and your lady
your future is going to be difficult.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Originally Posted by CarolD
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink
Evedentally you are not to that point in your life.
You may never be...and will continue to drink.
Best of luck to you and your lady
your future is going to be difficult.
Evedentally you are not to that point in your life.
You may never be...and will continue to drink.
Best of luck to you and your lady
your future is going to be difficult.
I think everything Carol said is right on. I know YEARS ago I could have said a lot of the same things that you did up there in your post. I had tons of "yets" to get to. UGH!!!!
Everyone's journey is different and you're going to be the one that makes the decision to do what you need to do for YOU!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
All I know is what I feel for myself. I cannot, will not, have even a sip. None. Nada. In the past i've slipped too many times and it always ALWAYS led me back to A Bad Place. I'm sick of ending up in that place and, as Carol said, I now want to be sober more than I want to drink.
When you want to be sober more than you want to drink you will find success. I wish you well.
:ghug3
When you want to be sober more than you want to drink you will find success. I wish you well.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 59
that quote "wanting to quit more than you want to drink" makes a lot of sense to me. I have battled with these thoughts. I can honestly say i do enjoy both lives and wish i could live both in moderation but i have realized my problem and know that i cant live both for very long before i end up back where i dont want to be. I know i have to quit and on day 5 again i remember how good it feels to be sober. I do enjoy this long term pleasure more than the short term pleasure of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Originally Posted by original
In my head though, I'd rather have a completely sober life, but it keeps coming back and biting me in the ass... what the hell is this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 100
Thanks guys, for all your support...
I feel really bloody stupid today, maybe it was a tester of sorts... I can honestly say that I enjoyed the two weeks sober more than I did last night's short term alcohol buzz.
Just to let you all know that your support here is fantastic, and you all make far more sense than I did last night.
Nothing bad happened, but nothing bad HAS to happen, I re-lapsed, now it's time to dust myself off, and start counting those days again.
Looking forward to it.
Thankyou
And sorry to anyone who developed a craving due to my 1st post up there... that wasn't intended, and I wasn't thinking properly when I wrote it!
I feel really bloody stupid today, maybe it was a tester of sorts... I can honestly say that I enjoyed the two weeks sober more than I did last night's short term alcohol buzz.
Just to let you all know that your support here is fantastic, and you all make far more sense than I did last night.
Nothing bad happened, but nothing bad HAS to happen, I re-lapsed, now it's time to dust myself off, and start counting those days again.
Looking forward to it.
Thankyou
And sorry to anyone who developed a craving due to my 1st post up there... that wasn't intended, and I wasn't thinking properly when I wrote it!
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