I Need Help; Inspiration
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
I Need Help; Inspiration
I hope to be brief: Those who know me know that I am rarely brief.
In February, 2008, I joined this community. I was oh, so skeptical of an online support group.
I shared over a thousand pages. As is my nature, almost all of it was an attempt to support others. Giving and healing has always given me more than I ever give.
But, I seem to lack the gene for asking for help. This goes very deep into my past. Even day one, as I spent 3 years in an orphanage.
I was doing oh so well until last summer. Then a multitude of factors (deserved and undeserved) hit me like a train. Bone crushing anxiety and depression ensued. Sure it is situational, but I am convinced that it was/is mainly biogenetic in nature. I am a strong man.
A few weeks ago, the love of my life left me. An incredible woman. Our mutual damage, acquired over decades before we even knew each other, was the main agent, I think. Also, my mother has a terminal illness, and my 3 college educated, successful kids are facing demons (not substance abuse) of their own.
So, I find myself a stranger in a strange land right now. At age 61. But, I am still 23 in the head in many ways. I am drinking. Less than many (<3-6 on a day off). Even though it is less than what many non-alcoholics consume, I have no illusions that it is not a manifestation of disease. Fortunately, I have a history of success to draw upon. Complete and comfortable abstention. I feel very fortunate that this experience is in my spiritual toolbox.
But, I must change. While I deal with great grief, I must cease being my father. The Rock of Gibraltar. On the outside. I must learn to ask for help. I will never give up. But, my backpack is so full of ancient and present rocks, I must force myself to stop picking them up and begin to unload them.
Thus, I ask for affirmation from those who know me as well as make new friends. For a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with AA per se, I do not attend meetings. Accept that for now, please. But, I went from being madly in love to being completely alone. And I believe that alcohol is not as much my disease as a symptom of stuff far deeper. I cannot ever remember craving alcohol, of a need to be knee-walking drunk. I have been a medicator of stuff that I have "shoved down" for my whole life.Becaue of that, I have shut loved ones out from that pain. All they saw was my pathology. Time to change that. I will stop learning and growing when I stop breathing.
warren
In February, 2008, I joined this community. I was oh, so skeptical of an online support group.
I shared over a thousand pages. As is my nature, almost all of it was an attempt to support others. Giving and healing has always given me more than I ever give.
But, I seem to lack the gene for asking for help. This goes very deep into my past. Even day one, as I spent 3 years in an orphanage.
I was doing oh so well until last summer. Then a multitude of factors (deserved and undeserved) hit me like a train. Bone crushing anxiety and depression ensued. Sure it is situational, but I am convinced that it was/is mainly biogenetic in nature. I am a strong man.
A few weeks ago, the love of my life left me. An incredible woman. Our mutual damage, acquired over decades before we even knew each other, was the main agent, I think. Also, my mother has a terminal illness, and my 3 college educated, successful kids are facing demons (not substance abuse) of their own.
So, I find myself a stranger in a strange land right now. At age 61. But, I am still 23 in the head in many ways. I am drinking. Less than many (<3-6 on a day off). Even though it is less than what many non-alcoholics consume, I have no illusions that it is not a manifestation of disease. Fortunately, I have a history of success to draw upon. Complete and comfortable abstention. I feel very fortunate that this experience is in my spiritual toolbox.
But, I must change. While I deal with great grief, I must cease being my father. The Rock of Gibraltar. On the outside. I must learn to ask for help. I will never give up. But, my backpack is so full of ancient and present rocks, I must force myself to stop picking them up and begin to unload them.
Thus, I ask for affirmation from those who know me as well as make new friends. For a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with AA per se, I do not attend meetings. Accept that for now, please. But, I went from being madly in love to being completely alone. And I believe that alcohol is not as much my disease as a symptom of stuff far deeper. I cannot ever remember craving alcohol, of a need to be knee-walking drunk. I have been a medicator of stuff that I have "shoved down" for my whole life.Becaue of that, I have shut loved ones out from that pain. All they saw was my pathology. Time to change that. I will stop learning and growing when I stop breathing.
warren
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. You are a dear friend and I'm sorry so much crap is messing up your life. It is said that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. By that logic many of us should be as strong as Hercules! At times I feel like what doesn't kill me just wears me down and/or makes me sick. :ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,506
Hi Warrens,
So good to see you!
My belief is, that alcoholism is the symptom, and the underlying issues are what has caused us to numb ourselves. It's hard when you have many years, decades of stuff to deal with. That was the case for me too. But, I know you can get through it.
You can learn to feel your feelings, accept them for what they are, and let them go. You don't need to stuff your feelings any longer. You know how much hope there is on this board, and I'm so glad that you are back. Sometimes we give support and sometimes we lean on others.
So good to see you!
My belief is, that alcoholism is the symptom, and the underlying issues are what has caused us to numb ourselves. It's hard when you have many years, decades of stuff to deal with. That was the case for me too. But, I know you can get through it.
You can learn to feel your feelings, accept them for what they are, and let them go. You don't need to stuff your feelings any longer. You know how much hope there is on this board, and I'm so glad that you are back. Sometimes we give support and sometimes we lean on others.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Everyone needs help some time or another.
I am sorry you are going through so much. All that sounds like it is very overwhelming.
You still have a positive outlook and that is great.
And never giving up is the most importabt thing to get started again.
I have no words of advice.
Just sending hugs and good thoughts to you.
Hang in there. Things will change in time.
I am sorry you are going through so much. All that sounds like it is very overwhelming.
You still have a positive outlook and that is great.
And never giving up is the most importabt thing to get started again.
I have no words of advice.
Just sending hugs and good thoughts to you.
Hang in there. Things will change in time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
warrens, what a courageous post! It is evident that you are going through a tremendously stressful time, but ask yourself - How can I best make it through this situation and also be there for my family?
You know that drinking is not the answer, so go back to the basics and watch your triggers. Now may be the time to reach out and help other people even more. For me, doing that fills me up as far as my personal needs go.
I was just at a seminar and the presenter said that an important way to change our behavior is to realize that we are worth it!!
Dave
You know that drinking is not the answer, so go back to the basics and watch your triggers. Now may be the time to reach out and help other people even more. For me, doing that fills me up as far as my personal needs go.
I was just at a seminar and the presenter said that an important way to change our behavior is to realize that we are worth it!!
Dave
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I have some idea what you're going through - we've both accomplished a lot with the Rock of Gibraltar approach.
It's not easy to change that - but I'm just starting to see how much more I can accomplish when I let myself accept help, and when I accept giving from others.
Your first task is to drop the beer, Warrens.
Don't let the 3-6 become 13-16. You're an alcoholic - drinking keeps us in a holding pattern - it's the alcoholics alternative to facing things and doing something.
If we're lucky we may put off pain (altho it rarely worked for me after the early days)... but we put off healing and growth too.
I don't know who said it but I believe this
I've read your posts. I think you have true strength.
Together, with the rest of us to help? I know you do
Keep posting.
and go easy
D
It's not easy to change that - but I'm just starting to see how much more I can accomplish when I let myself accept help, and when I accept giving from others.
Your first task is to drop the beer, Warrens.
Don't let the 3-6 become 13-16. You're an alcoholic - drinking keeps us in a holding pattern - it's the alcoholics alternative to facing things and doing something.
If we're lucky we may put off pain (altho it rarely worked for me after the early days)... but we put off healing and growth too.
I don't know who said it but I believe this
Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.
Together, with the rest of us to help? I know you do
Keep posting.
and go easy
D
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Oh Warren,
I'm am so happy to hear from you. Every single day since you've been gone, I've thought about you and hoped that you were finding your way through the forest that I knew you were in.
In my earliest days of sobriety, you were one of the most important voices in my head - leading me on, prodding me, giving me courage, noticing my struggle, listening.
I know for a fact there are many others who've felt the same way.
What can I say? I have only your own words to give back:
You cannot subtract from the past, only add to the future. I choose to add only that which encourages and strengthens me. It is time for you to give yourself persmission to start loving yourself again.
That is not word for word what you said to me, but it's close. I had those words on my wall for a long time. And they strengthened me. At some point, I stopped needing the reminder that I was worth loving. And I took them down - an act of accomplishement for me.
You sound as if you are working against feeling beaten. Like you're reaching up through a whole lot of debris to find sunlight again. Please stop drinking. That only works against your efforts. It is in no way part of the solution. It's like adding more truck loads of trash to the field you are buried in. It makes it harder for you to unearth your best, shining self again.
And I hope you are clear on one thing. Even if you are not currently finding it easy to breath through all the debris you are piled under - you are still, essentially, the deep, intellectual, lovable, classy, unique, honorable, gentle man that you were born to be. No amount of misjudgement, loss, and confusion changes that. It only obscures it temporarily. Remove the debris, remove the alcohol, find air again.
I am so glad you are here. Stay.
I'm am so happy to hear from you. Every single day since you've been gone, I've thought about you and hoped that you were finding your way through the forest that I knew you were in.
In my earliest days of sobriety, you were one of the most important voices in my head - leading me on, prodding me, giving me courage, noticing my struggle, listening.
I know for a fact there are many others who've felt the same way.
What can I say? I have only your own words to give back:
You cannot subtract from the past, only add to the future. I choose to add only that which encourages and strengthens me. It is time for you to give yourself persmission to start loving yourself again.
That is not word for word what you said to me, but it's close. I had those words on my wall for a long time. And they strengthened me. At some point, I stopped needing the reminder that I was worth loving. And I took them down - an act of accomplishement for me.
You sound as if you are working against feeling beaten. Like you're reaching up through a whole lot of debris to find sunlight again. Please stop drinking. That only works against your efforts. It is in no way part of the solution. It's like adding more truck loads of trash to the field you are buried in. It makes it harder for you to unearth your best, shining self again.
And I hope you are clear on one thing. Even if you are not currently finding it easy to breath through all the debris you are piled under - you are still, essentially, the deep, intellectual, lovable, classy, unique, honorable, gentle man that you were born to be. No amount of misjudgement, loss, and confusion changes that. It only obscures it temporarily. Remove the debris, remove the alcohol, find air again.
I am so glad you are here. Stay.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Warren)))
I am so glad you are back here...I've missed you!!
You've always been so supportive of others, I hope that you will allow yourself to accept the caring and support of us. I can only imagine the pain and grief you are going through, but it doesn't hurt this bad forever, sweetie. Unfortunately, the only way to get past this pain is to walk through it. Numbing it doesn't help, but having friends walk with you, certainly does.
I don't have any great advice, either, but I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers, and I hope you stick around because a lot of people care about you here, and we want to help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am so glad you are back here...I've missed you!!
You've always been so supportive of others, I hope that you will allow yourself to accept the caring and support of us. I can only imagine the pain and grief you are going through, but it doesn't hurt this bad forever, sweetie. Unfortunately, the only way to get past this pain is to walk through it. Numbing it doesn't help, but having friends walk with you, certainly does.
I don't have any great advice, either, but I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers, and I hope you stick around because a lot of people care about you here, and we want to help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Warren - It's great to see you back - I'm so glad you shared with us. I will keep you in my prayers....fantastic post - thanks for letting us help you as you have helped us all so many times....You know you can do this, I know you can do this, so......
With care & concern, Jomey
With care & concern, Jomey
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Warren,
Nice to see you posting again.
Like you, I think that helping out other people is a healing activity in itself. But sometimes it's necessary to lay down some boundaries and look after onself too. I'm glad you've reached out. We all need each other
Nice to see you posting again.
Like you, I think that helping out other people is a healing activity in itself. But sometimes it's necessary to lay down some boundaries and look after onself too. I'm glad you've reached out. We all need each other
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Warren,
I just wanted to add my support to the trials you are currently facing.
Regardless of our age, there are times when circumstances conspire to bring us face to face with ourselves, and the walls we've constructed must come down in order to find a new and richer life. It can be unbearably painful initially. And for each of us, the only way is through it. Experiencing grief for our losses is part of the process.
It's apparent how much you mean to many members here. I hope all that you've given can come back and bolster you in your time of need, now and in the days to come. Sharing your pain and accepting help only constitutes our common human bond, for surely we are all in this together.
I'm hoping that you put down the beers so that you can facilitate your healing. There's a bright light on the other side of this.
Thinking of you, your mother and your family.
Count me in if you need an ear.
Much love,
Donna
I just wanted to add my support to the trials you are currently facing.
Regardless of our age, there are times when circumstances conspire to bring us face to face with ourselves, and the walls we've constructed must come down in order to find a new and richer life. It can be unbearably painful initially. And for each of us, the only way is through it. Experiencing grief for our losses is part of the process.
It's apparent how much you mean to many members here. I hope all that you've given can come back and bolster you in your time of need, now and in the days to come. Sharing your pain and accepting help only constitutes our common human bond, for surely we are all in this together.
I'm hoping that you put down the beers so that you can facilitate your healing. There's a bright light on the other side of this.
Thinking of you, your mother and your family.
Count me in if you need an ear.
Much love,
Donna
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Warrens, First of all I want to thank you for your powerful post and finding the ability to ask for help. You have supported me so often and have been a huge part of my recovery. I can easily say you are a dear friend.
I know quite a bit of your hard times with Susan, but I guess I thought you were okay. I shouldn't have assumed. I'm not sure what is going on with your children, and I pray things will improve for them. It sounds as if you are drinking more than you were when we were regularly communicating.
Warren I can tell you must be hurting very badly, or you never would have posted this. It's time for you to be supported and cared for. I will do whatever i can to help you through this. You are very special to me, you have always been one who I wished I lived closer to as I know we would be good friends. Alright... I'll stop with the mushy stuff now.
Stay strong Warren, but not so strong that you can't lean on others.
I know quite a bit of your hard times with Susan, but I guess I thought you were okay. I shouldn't have assumed. I'm not sure what is going on with your children, and I pray things will improve for them. It sounds as if you are drinking more than you were when we were regularly communicating.
Warren I can tell you must be hurting very badly, or you never would have posted this. It's time for you to be supported and cared for. I will do whatever i can to help you through this. You are very special to me, you have always been one who I wished I lived closer to as I know we would be good friends. Alright... I'll stop with the mushy stuff now.
Stay strong Warren, but not so strong that you can't lean on others.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,565
I've been looking for you Warrens, & worrying about you. It's a relief to see you here, even under these circumstances. There isn't much to say that can help right now, only the passage of time will bring relief. Nothing can stay this raw and painful for long, though. As others have said - we are so glad you shared your sadness with us and trusted us with your emotions. I know the kind of man you are from your many wonderful posts. You will rise up out of this misery and have a whole new life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
I am truly speechless. Warren, speechless.
Consider a truly heartfelt and sincere thank you under every post.
You have no idea how difficult it was for me to post. There are so many here who's circumstances dwarf mine.
My significant pain is however, stuff that is addressable. You know, I've always loved too deeply and too intensely. And I'm not talking about romantic love.
But I've been woefully inadequate at accepting it. I know that I must change that. That's why I wrote. And boy, have you guys reinforced my need to change at his "ancient" (don't you young ones believe for a minute that 60 is ancient) age.
I feel fortunate that my pain is real. Very real. I am unafraid of that which is real. For six months or so I was laid low by crushing anxiety. I remained completely rational. No fears, OCD, nothing surreal. I got quite scared that I was being carried by forces beyond my control.
Got a wonderful therapist in my remote town and I upped my medication (Zoloft). Two things that I have avoided because of "machismo" and the way I was raised. Thank God. The past month has been 11 on the pain dial, but I have virtually no anxiety. Duh...
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I welcome any contact, reassurance. I am back to a most wonderful place, SR. At least half the people on my "friends" list are "gone." People I shared very deeply with. Wonderful people. No, I need y'all. I always knew that. I need to be here regardless of my less than perfect recovery. I have a very thick skin but a very vulnerable heart.
I must accept that there is not shame in being weak and imperfect. And that admitting that is an act of strength.
I heard a quote the other day that made me scramble for a pen. Of all the incredible artists throughout history, I am most in awe of Michelangelo Buonarrati. I am not religious, but his "Pieta" is beyond any words I have. The dying Christ laying across Mary's lap. Though I've never seen it in person, it is as close to transcending what is human and what is godly as anything I have ever seen. Had he expended half the effort at chiseling away from a block of marble, everything that wasn't his faith, it would have been a masterpiece. But no. The folds in Mary's gown allow light to pass through! The courage it took to present a gift only worthy of his god.
Anyhow, the quote that stopped me in my tracks: "It's not that we aim too high and miss it; it's that we aim too low and reach it."
Whew! It makes me grateful for loving Susan. I still do. Because I "reached for it." I regret nothing. The price of love is always pain-someone always "leaves" in some way. But it is so very worth it.
So, I will continue to reach high. And higher. And accept what happens.
warren
Consider a truly heartfelt and sincere thank you under every post.
You have no idea how difficult it was for me to post. There are so many here who's circumstances dwarf mine.
My significant pain is however, stuff that is addressable. You know, I've always loved too deeply and too intensely. And I'm not talking about romantic love.
But I've been woefully inadequate at accepting it. I know that I must change that. That's why I wrote. And boy, have you guys reinforced my need to change at his "ancient" (don't you young ones believe for a minute that 60 is ancient) age.
I feel fortunate that my pain is real. Very real. I am unafraid of that which is real. For six months or so I was laid low by crushing anxiety. I remained completely rational. No fears, OCD, nothing surreal. I got quite scared that I was being carried by forces beyond my control.
Got a wonderful therapist in my remote town and I upped my medication (Zoloft). Two things that I have avoided because of "machismo" and the way I was raised. Thank God. The past month has been 11 on the pain dial, but I have virtually no anxiety. Duh...
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I welcome any contact, reassurance. I am back to a most wonderful place, SR. At least half the people on my "friends" list are "gone." People I shared very deeply with. Wonderful people. No, I need y'all. I always knew that. I need to be here regardless of my less than perfect recovery. I have a very thick skin but a very vulnerable heart.
I must accept that there is not shame in being weak and imperfect. And that admitting that is an act of strength.
I heard a quote the other day that made me scramble for a pen. Of all the incredible artists throughout history, I am most in awe of Michelangelo Buonarrati. I am not religious, but his "Pieta" is beyond any words I have. The dying Christ laying across Mary's lap. Though I've never seen it in person, it is as close to transcending what is human and what is godly as anything I have ever seen. Had he expended half the effort at chiseling away from a block of marble, everything that wasn't his faith, it would have been a masterpiece. But no. The folds in Mary's gown allow light to pass through! The courage it took to present a gift only worthy of his god.
Anyhow, the quote that stopped me in my tracks: "It's not that we aim too high and miss it; it's that we aim too low and reach it."
Whew! It makes me grateful for loving Susan. I still do. Because I "reached for it." I regret nothing. The price of love is always pain-someone always "leaves" in some way. But it is so very worth it.
So, I will continue to reach high. And higher. And accept what happens.
warren
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by warrens 
I must accept that there is not shame in being weak and imperfect. And that admitting that is an act of strength. .
.......................So, I will continue to reach high. And higher. And accept what happens.
warren
.......................So, I will continue to reach high. And higher. And accept what happens.
warren
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
You were one of the first people to reach out to me Warren and I have never forgotten it. Because of your sensitivity and insight, I have actually gone through "other posts by Warrens" to find your kernals of wisdom. That way, I know that I haven't missed anything you have had to say, because you ALWAYS have something worth reading, ..a kind word, a soft push, a glimmer of hope, always personal and always well thought out. You have given so much of yourself, that it's time to receive more than a little back, my friend.
I am sorry to hear about Susan and your family issues. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I do KNOW though that within each of these situations is SOMETHING that is or will be necessary to your life as a whole. Something that will make you wiser, or more centered or something yet to be understood. Does that thought give you strength? It does me. Is this faith? Maybe that's what turning it over really means, I don't know.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but very glad that you had the strength to post. MLE put it so eloquently:
"And I hope you are clear on one thing. Even if you are not currently finding it easy to breath through all the debris you are piled under - you are still, essentially, the deep, intellectual, lovable, classy, unique, honorable, gentle man that you were born to be. No amount of misjudgement, loss, and confusion changes that. It only obscures it temporarily. Remove the debris, remove the alcohol, find air again."
I guess what I am trying to say is that we love you. That about sums it up.
I am sorry to hear about Susan and your family issues. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I do KNOW though that within each of these situations is SOMETHING that is or will be necessary to your life as a whole. Something that will make you wiser, or more centered or something yet to be understood. Does that thought give you strength? It does me. Is this faith? Maybe that's what turning it over really means, I don't know.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but very glad that you had the strength to post. MLE put it so eloquently:
"And I hope you are clear on one thing. Even if you are not currently finding it easy to breath through all the debris you are piled under - you are still, essentially, the deep, intellectual, lovable, classy, unique, honorable, gentle man that you were born to be. No amount of misjudgement, loss, and confusion changes that. It only obscures it temporarily. Remove the debris, remove the alcohol, find air again."
I guess what I am trying to say is that we love you. That about sums it up.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Hi Warren,
What I truly believe is that each day is a fresh start. Another chance to grow, to learn, to do the right thing. From this perspective life is vibrant, the future exciting.
I have also made peace with my past - not just the drinking but all the decisions and actions along the way. I look back at my life and there were some dark days but it was mostly good and today everything is just fine, not perfect but then, it never will be. This path took me to where I am today. And I look at my blessings - my children especially. I can't change my past and in many ways, I wouldn't want to.
My mother, after years of living on the streets, quit drinking when she was 60 and is now a respected Elder and community leader. I have two other friends in their early 60's who just started important new jobs. No, life does not end at 60. Many great years ahead, God willing.
I know you won't give up and I am just relating my experience, where I am at today. I am a different man than I was 15 months ago and it all started by reaching out for help. You are on a good path.
Take care.
What I truly believe is that each day is a fresh start. Another chance to grow, to learn, to do the right thing. From this perspective life is vibrant, the future exciting.
I have also made peace with my past - not just the drinking but all the decisions and actions along the way. I look back at my life and there were some dark days but it was mostly good and today everything is just fine, not perfect but then, it never will be. This path took me to where I am today. And I look at my blessings - my children especially. I can't change my past and in many ways, I wouldn't want to.
My mother, after years of living on the streets, quit drinking when she was 60 and is now a respected Elder and community leader. I have two other friends in their early 60's who just started important new jobs. No, life does not end at 60. Many great years ahead, God willing.
I know you won't give up and I am just relating my experience, where I am at today. I am a different man than I was 15 months ago and it all started by reaching out for help. You are on a good path.
Take care.
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