shanman422

My husband thru me a surprise 30th bash this past weekend. I was indeed surprised of the party, but even more surprised at the location. I've been sober for 6 months, so I'm very early in recovery. Most of my family and friends do not think I have a drinking problem (that would mean they do, right)... so when chosing to become sober, people were supportive but I feel they thought it was just a phase I was going through... it wasn't going to be long term.

Anyways, to continue with the story. I thought we were going out to eat a place called NJ Bar and Grill. After the shock wore off... I started thinking, man... why here? Than my hubs said he got a great deal and we have an open bar from 7-11. I've been fortunate enough to be able to be around people that drink... we always have people over that drink and it doesn't bother me at all. I have been out many time with friends that are drinking, and again it doesn't bother me. But the first thing I thought of was, should I have a drink?? My mood quickly changed from happiness to being really sad. You could totally tell, so I left the room to call my Mother who has been sober for 25 years herself. She agreed with me and felt that this party wasn't for ME, it was for the people my husband invited, to whom are my closest friends. It didn't feel special anymore... I was so disappointed. My Mother suggested waiting a couple days before telling my hubs how I truly felt about the party, but when I got back, he read my face and I couldn't hide how I was feeling. Of course it came off as just being ungrateful at first. A normie doesn't realize the depth of the disease. He even said he thought I was over the part of wanting to drink!!

After talking with him briefly, he explained that the reason he chose that place besides the great deal they gave him, a band was playing and knew that I would like that, he only invited our closest friends to make the event more intimate. I felt a little better after we spoke and tried to enjoy myself. The wanting a drink came and went quickly, but sadly it did cross my mind. Soon the band played and I had a blast there on out. We danced and really did have a such a great time.

Yesterday we again spoke, and he asked what I would have liked to have done. I really don't even know what I expected. I of course want my friends to have a good time too... so it's not like I didn't expect there to be drinking and such if a party was thrown for me. I'm just a tad confused I guess. Even my husband doesn't think I'm a alcoholic, he is supportive of my decision to stop... but he will never truly understand.

Thoughts anyone?

least

You said "a normie doesn't realize the depth of this disease", and you are so right. They have no concept of our struggle and our feelings about sobriety. I'm glad you didn't give in to your initial craving for a drink. Other than that, I can only say your husband doesn't understand what you're going thru. Good for you for being strong and sober!:ghug3

mtnmagic

Hi, Shan....So very glad you got through this tough situation. Your recovery is shining.

Also, want you to know how delighted I was to read this post from you. You are making it sober. I did not. I'm at the beginning again. Reading posts like
yours convinces me I can do this.

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!6

flutter

Hmm, personally I would be really freaked out if my husband did this, however.. I do not spend time with people that drink, I dont go places where people or friends are drinking, so I haven't 'shown him' that this is ok in any way, he wouldn't drink around me either, knowing my preference. So it's hard for me to give a really unbiased thought on this. It does seem insensitive, I think whether he truly believes you're an alcoholic or not.. why would anyone throw a party for anyone who doesn't drink, at a bar? That's just weird.. but again that's just me :P It's just not part of my life, not any part of my life now.. and that would be beyond insensitive and a bit disrespectful if MY hubby did this.

But I'm not you, and I'm sure of course this was well intended if not just an oversight especially if he doesn't think you have a problem. Have you really sat down and told him the importance of your sobriety, your committment to never drinking again, your preference to not be around it? (doesn't seem like that's a preference to you.. but..)

Hmm. Maybe just let him know that you don't prefer to hang out at bars anymore for future reference for him..

oh, and happy happy bday.. way to go on the craving part too, I would have been a big wreck!

Anna

Well, I'm glad you got through the evening.

And, you're right, it's very hard for other people to understand how difficult it is to get and stay sober. I'm glad you were able to deal with the evening.

I had always been a people-pleaser and it is indeed, a 'disease to please'. I KNEW that had to stop when I got sober. Learning how to set boundaries and how to say 'no' has been essential to my recovery. You were not being ungrateful, you were confused by your husband's choice of venue and I think it threw you off balance. It's good that you talked to your husband about it.

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Congrats on ur time sober.

Congrats to ur mom for her time sober.

How AWESOME it is for u to have her
as support and someone who knows
about alcoholism......

My family thinks i need to quit using
alcoholism as a crutch....get over
it because i dont drink anymore and
thus i shouldnt have a problem with
people places and things dealing with
alcohol.

I am an alcoholic and I have to live
my life one day at a time using the
12 steps and principles set down
before me.

My family knew my squirlliness around
alcohol and thus it was never in my home.

They did respect me that much.

Today some few days sober, a bar,
lounge or any place like that is no
place for me.

My recovery, my sobriety means
that much to me.

And it should be for you as well.

Thanks for letting me share,

Horselover

Happy 30th birthday first off!! That's a milestone.

As far as your husband's choice of places, that was a big goof on his part and luckily it ended well. My husband has also made a few oops in our marriage and um - well, I "guess" I have too. He doesn't drink anymore and so we haven't had a problem there, but I am sure others with spouses that are normies have had experiences shall we say. I am just thrilled to see that you made it through it. I've been sober since May of 2008 and I still have times where I think I would like to have one, but I have sanity today to know that it wouldn't be just one and as far as experimenting with it it has become too dangerous. I finally have a job that has a lot of physical demands and I KNOW I could never do it if I went back to drinking. That's a good thing I guess.

I applaud you on making it through that night and please, please don't beat yourself up because the thought crossed your mind. That thought will cross your mind again someday, but it will keep on traveling hopefully because the more we face the stronger we grow and you faced it head on sister. Great job!!!

Happy, happy birthday!!!

Aysha

Happy Birthday.
I dont have any advice. Just wanted to tell you I am so happy you made it. And that you finally were able to talk it out and enjoy yourself.
If he is supportive then communication will be helpful on both your parts.
I believe it was just an innocent mistake.
But none the less. It could have been a bad one.
Keep doing your thing. 6 mos is great.

Coolmummy

You know my husband is similar in his outlook - although he knows how absolutley I cannot drink, he still seems to be 'waiting' for me to say 'ok, done my three months (or whatever), pour me a drink'. And he would! Not because he doesn't love me or care about me, but because he thinks I simply have a bit of a problem when I drink too much Does that make sense?

I'm only 57 days down the road, and it is still hard. I've pretty much locked myself in my home to do this but I have been to pubs, have worked in one a few times and I've been ok. It is everyone else isn't it? My brother in law wanted to know how long I was going to 'cut down' for, did I have a date to resume my drinking??!! He looked completely baffled ny the whole thing!

To be honest, I can't be bothered to explain half the time. I know I am an alcoholic and I am the only one I need to explain to right now.

Love

cm

sfgirl

I felt really sad when I read your post, perhaps because I saw it sort of like a double-whammy. First off for your birthday you were in a situation that wasn't exactly the most conducive to your new sober lifestyle. Second, like Anna said above, the birthday party ended up being for your friends to have fun, even though luckily you ended up having fun with the band later in the evening. Where were you in the equation? And that surely is what you were getting at in your post because it was after all your birthday, and that is the thing about birthdays is that they are supposed to be "our" days.

For me recovery has been a lot about setting boundaries when it comes to friends, again like Anna said. I was all about others having a good time, all the time. I would sacrifice my own happiness gladly, probably because I didn't have much to begin with or think that I could get much more, for the sake of others. I was a people pleaser. But I have learned that that is not a good way to live both for me and for others. It was weighing me down, stressing me out, causing me to drink, causing resentments, etc. This year I didn't even want to deal with my birthday because I was sober and it was early on and I just felt like doing nothing. It was cool though because my brother ended up baking a cake, a few good friends came over with take out and we watched crappy tv. That was my speed. My mom offered some sort of fancy party and even thinking about it I felt like I was going to have to be "on" the whole time and it wasn't at all what I wanted. So I said no.

I realize though that you didn't have a choice this time. And I definitely don't think that your husband was malintentioned just didn't quite understand. But maybe this experience can help you to explore your wants and needs and better express them to and protect them from both your husband and friends.

Mark75

Shan... Oh boy, I think I would have had a big problem in your shoes. NOT that I would have had a drink, and NOT that I would have been angry at my spouse, but, like you, sad... In a bar, with a band...

We had a Christmas party at home this year, when I was 3 months... There were only normies, but they were drinking my favorite beer, and the red wine at dinner... My wife noticed the look on my face the whole night, she felt terrible, it is a tradition and circumstances were what they were it really couldn't be cancelled. None of them knew I was in early recovery.

I really gotta congratulate you for pulling that one out of the crapper... I might of been able too, but it wouldn't have been easy.

BTW - 6 on 30 years and 6 months

Mark

Saddler

Sorry to hear about the tough situation, but thanks for sharing it. I actually like the concept of alcoholic v. "normie", this helps put things in perspective for me a little. I'm only on day 16, but even this AM my wife asked me to go out to a bar tonight, even though I've told her *I* think I have a problem with alcohol, *I* have her reading "Under the Influence", etc. I just don't want to go hang out at a bar for God's sake! Saturday night we went for dinner, that went great, but then I stayed home when she wanted to go out to a bar later that night (and I did not hassle her about going). These days I can think of 1000 things I'd rather do than go hang out with a bunch of people drinking.

Toomutch

I have no idea what your husbands motives were to throw you a party at a bar. The normie example was great. I would guess your husband was only tryng to throw a fun party and had know idea how hard it would be for you. Glad you spoke to him about it and happy that you had fun dancing to the band.

Happy Birthday

shanman422

Everyone's post were great... thanks for your honest and helpful replies!!!

His intentions were good, but not at all thought out. He wanted to do something different than others have done for their wives/girlfriends in the past. My friends even suggested (found out after talking with them last night) that something more intimate would better. But my husband being stubborn, wanted to do this on his own... wanted to throw me a great party. He NOW knows that it wasn't the best idea... so maybe if he throws me a 40th surprise... he'll get it by than... haha

My girlfriends, the weekend of my birthday (April 12) are planning a great day for me... lunch, rock climbing, something adventurous and fun. I'm really looking forward to it...

Love,

Shannon

Tazman53

First of all happy belated SOBER birthday.

Your husband made a mistake, be thankful you 2 can communicate about it.

My wife went through hell due to my drinking so I can honestly say that would never happen to me.

What this really shows is that a non-alcoholic/addict can no more fully grasp what we go through early in sobriety then a man can grasp having a baby!!!

Just keep being open and honest with him, do not expect him to fully understand, and keep in mind that the only person that can really determine if you are an alcoholic or not is you.

Hold your head high, you stayed sober.