I'm not tearing into anything, rather I know I am going to be dead as a result of not having other alternatives. Now, to be fair, there is Vivitrol, which is a shot at the price of $750 which will make a person not want to drink. Ok. I am not going to pooh pooh this. If that's what it takes, I'll do the deal. I already went to my shrink today and he gave me an Rx. Nonetheless, when I see the pervasiveness of support groups out there, for people like me, it is somewhat discouraging. Not to say it cannot be done. I guess, to be honest, it's my beef with AA being the dominating force over the planet. So perhaps I should have not posted this in this thread. Sorry, I'll exit.

Poor guy. Somebody needs to give him a dollar, a haircut, and a hug.

:lmao

The Game of Life
 

Katie,

I'm not jumping on you here.

If I may ask you a question, do you want to be dead in a year of alcoholism? Is it a fate that you've resigned yourself to? I hope not.

It is not AA that is getting in your way. It is your attitude of drawing a line, that line of NEVER. I urge you to get past your resentments and belligerence and find a way to recover. If you truly want to recover, you will find a way. Maybe science will find a cure someday, but I doubt it. Probably not before your year is up at least.

You somehow seem to believe that you are exempt from the rules of the game here. And the game is life. I am going to quote the AA book here, not to push it on you, but to make a point. "There is the obsession that somehow someday he will beat the game." You can't beat the game of life. You are either living it or you are dying it, but you can't beat it.

I'll quote what a man said to me in early in my sobriety:

"I love you so much that if you need to go drink yourself to death, I wouldn't dream of getting in your way."

That being said, I won't bug you anymore. I'll give you that dignity of dying the way you want to die.
Best,
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

Step 1 - don't do dope
Step 2 - see Step one

Yeah, I can do that - the first two steps - just nothing beyond that. My second step means psychopharmacology. That works for me! Thanks!

Well, thanks, Jim. This is the most respectful and most nice thing you've ever said to me. See how this works? As a result, I will sincerely take your remarks to heart and ponder on them. Hugs, Katie.

ETA: And somehow I do believe you care. It only took a gentle hand to get me to think. Such is the nature of many of us in this forum. Thank you.

Actually one of the things I like here is the diversity of opinions and ideas on recovery. I used AA and it did work for me but I have a very high interest in the recovery methods others have used successfully.

The one thing AA provides that I personally need is a very strong support system. Meetings and people everywhere. I finally realized that I just can't do this on my own and those people have really made a difference to me. I am not just talking sobriety, they have really done some wonderful things for me when I didn't even know I was in trouble.

Step 1 is the hardest. In case you didn't know. he he he

Katie, I thought I had my solution in the bag also. I asked my Dr. to put me on Naltrexone. I was so excited to get that drug and get on with my life. The drug was all I needed to change my life. It would be my cure. Then the other shoe dropped and my insurance company refused to pay for it. I was told the news, left in tears, and went out and got drunk. What other choice did I have? My hopes were dashed.

The answer to sobriety and recovery isn't in a pill. You need to work a program. Pills may help with the craving, but it will not cure the symptoms of why we drink. I find it hard to believe that none of the alternative programs posted to you do not fit your needs. Have you even tried anything other than AA? Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I learned the hard way, but in the end, it forced me to work a real program and I have been sober and happy since.

Resolving to die is a cop out. I took you to be more of a fighter than that. Dig in and do some research on programs other than AA. And for Gawd's sake, let it go with the AA thing. No one is forcing AA on you. Yes, it may be the most prominent program, but if you choose to not work it, move on and find something else. Like it was mentioned up thread, AA isn't your problem, you are. Sorry, but you really can't see it from the inside looking out. We from the outside looking in can see a whole other reality than what you are seeing. Now, roll up your sleeves and look into a program and save yourself. Action, action and more action!

I had Naltrexone once. It had virtually no impact whatsoever on my drinking habits. However YMMV

Windy has a point, that part of just not doing any period is the hard one. Once I got through hosp assisted detox (ethanol) it became possible for me.

Well, the deal is to take Naltrexone over an extended period of time.

Katie,
In my case I did take it for several weeks. Believe me I tried most everything on the planet before I was willing to go to AA for help. I would have paid ten times $750 happily for any medication that would have fixed me. Maybe it will exist someday, but realistically if it existed today it would be readily available everywhere.

Do whatever recovery program you are comfortable with. This thing can be beat! I just want to see you get out of the hell I was in for so long.

If you think people on here are being "hard" on you because they don't like you, then you have it wrong. We are being honest with you because we do care about you and we don't want to see you die in a year. I am not saying that anyone on here has to do what works for me. All any of us have to share, though, is our experience, strength, and hope. I can't talk about what works for others, because I don't know about it. That's why I'm saying to try focusing on what you are willing to do for your problem rather than focusing on the negative, which is what you are certain won't work for you.

Many of us started out right where you are. Most of us, I'd guess. I was different. I was unique. I was smarter than the other addicts and I could learn to beat this thing alone. That kind of thinking just about killed me! I couldn't do it alone. Nobody is saying that NA or AA is perfect. Nothing is perfect. But it's virtually the only place in town where everybody there has the same problem as me and they meet together every night! I need to be with others to fight this thing together. If you don't believe in God, a lot of people in NA use the fellowship of other addicts for a higher power. It works for them, and I'm all for what works for anyone. Heck, if you can get recovery from a doorknob, get it, by all means.

KJ

John asked us an interesting question. He asked us to ponder what "terminal uniqueness" meant in our own lives. That's how I read it.

And here we are, on page 3, with a living example. Katie, your situation is precisely what this term is about, as I understand it. You have stated again and again that there are extenuating circumstances in your life, things that make it specifically more difficult for you, things that you absolutely cannot tolerate for one reason or another. You are, in fact, you insinuate, unique in your needs from a recovery program. That is how I read your posts, over and over.

And then you tell us, in this thread, that you have been given a year to live.

That is exactly the essence of "terminal uniqueness." You see your needs and situations as so unique that nothing out there quite works for you to support your sobriety. And as a result, you are walking steadily toward the door.

But you do not appear to have the self awareness that you yourself are choosing DEATH & addiction over LIFE & recovery by continuing to segregate yourself behind the iron bars of your own very specifically, uniquely, exceptional prison of isolation.

I wonder if you see this or if it is offensive? I in no way intend to offend. I was originally getting irritated at how far off topic the conversation had gone. And then suddenly, I realized that it was, in fact, the perfect living example of what we were talking about.

Do you see, Katie? How your continued insistence that your situation is so unique that it is slowly becoming a terminal sentence for you? Do you see?

I dont think I ever thought I was different. I certainly never thought I was better than anyone either.
But I sure thought I knew it all at first. I was just like you but I knew it all already. You couldnt tell me anything.
I found out real fast how clueless I am.
I think alot of people feel they are different because of circumstance. But when you really think about it. The only circumstance is that we are addicts/ alcoholics and it is killing us. What more do you need to know to relize that you are going to die slow from it. Some faster than others.
Other than that. I believe we are all differetn in our own ways in alot of different ways.
But the common factor is that we are all addicted to somethign here and hopefully we share the desire to live a clean and sober life.
I cant comment on all that other stuff.

"Terminal uniqueness" is one of those really good descriptive phrases which AA uses. But my personal opinion is that it's important that we talk in full about what a phrase like this means to us. When I suffered from terminal uniqueness the phrase didn't have any meaning - nor could it, because I was inside the condition. I wasn't being wilful about it, because "terminal uniqueness" describes an unconscious condition. It seems to me that it's an expression of that whole "his majesty the baby" thing, the whole "overinflated ego" - a part of myself which has a perfectly useful job to do, but ends up throwing my whole "self" out of balance by doing its job too enthusiastically. My experience only - I couldn't think my way into seeing that imbalance. In my case I had to drink my way to enough suffering to break, and to experience the humility of needing the help of others, to start the process of what we within AA describe as "ego-deflation".

So when I talk about terminal uniqueness l need to remember that it was a part of the condition that nearly killed me, and it'll be killing other alcoholics round here on a weekly - or yearly - basis. And I need to remember that because it operated on me unconsciously, I was a victim of it, as I was a victim of so many other parts of my "self" which were out of balance. So I can't tell someone to stop being terminally unique, when they're not yet equipped to see it themselves.

I dunno. My advice to newcomers is reduced to "go to meetings. Keep going until you begin to get well". Meetings hold a powerful magic - even the likes of Windy, who doesn't like 12 step programmes, used meetings in his forst couple years. The more you identify with people there, the more you might become willing to do what they did to get well. I don't believe that I can tell someone how to get well, and then the'll choose to do it. I believe we have to discover how to get well. To "discover" we have to able to accept that there is stuff out there that we don't know. Even that simple humility is a great start in undoing our "terminal uniqueness".

how many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

one, just stand there and hold it,

and wait till the world revolves around you!

just a little levity...

nice post paulmh

Katie I was at one time almost 3 years ago right where you are at, I had given up, I surrendered to alcohol, I accepted the fact that I was just going to drink no matter what!

Looking back at that day which I recall vividly, I had been in a fight for many years with alcohol, I was fighting it all by myself and I was frickin TIRED & I was also sick, my stomach was lopsided because my liver was really swollen pretty bad.

I was sitting in my garage all by myself, as usual I was hating myself, I was weak, I could not beat this, I had tried everything I could think of I could do to stop drinking by my self, my self will had lost!!!!

I was beaten by alcohol so I just gave up and decided I would drink all I wanted when ever I wanted and it felt good!!!! The fight was over, I no longer hated myself, I had made a decision that I was going to drink, I had surrendered to alcohol & IT FELT GOOD!!!!

It was not to long after that I was as usual sitting in my garage by myself drinking when for some reason I saw the next year of my life if I kept drinking...... first I was going to lose my family, next was my job, then my truck, and last but not least, my home. I saw myself homeless & alone, drinking myself slowly to death, and for some reason I knew it was going to be a SLOW PAINFUL DEATH!

Suddenly the reality of it all hit me and I was SCARED CRAPLESS! It was at this point in time, when death, a SLOW PAINFUL DEATH, became real! I was going to DIE! All of that macho BS fell away and I was scared and hopeless!

At that point in time I surrendered to the fact that if I was going to live I was going to have to ask for help! I called an alcohol & drug hotline & got an appointment with a doctor and finally started to listen to others because I knew I had no idea how to get or stay sober, I needed help! I followed the suggestion of my doctor & then of the people in detox, today thanks to me becoming willing to listen to people who were once like me I am not going to die a a SLOW PAINFUL DEATH from alcoholism, I am alive, sober and happy. Oh yea and my liver did recover and the swelling and tenderness went away.

You too can have this, if you are honest, open minded and willing, & it does not have to be AA, there are other programs that work as well.

One day you will hit the point where you will do as I did and the reality of a SLOW PAINFUL DEATH will slap you in the face and you will have hit your bottom, I pray for your sake it is in time. Most of us die from our alcoholism, but some of us do recover, but not from a pill, but with the help of others & from within our selfs.

Paulmh...yes!

The terminal uniqueness thing is one of the things that comes along with alcoholism, the person is not being wilful, they are unwell, (deluded, in denial, out of whack, whatever it is you are right, it is unconcious, you don't know it when you are in it).

IMO, this doesn't mean they have to accept AA's way, they are free to try whatever way as long as they realise the key thing, CHANGE.

AA has plenty of slogans and cliches, some drive me mad but some are true and when we are addled with booze slogans are one of the few things our minds can hold on to, anyway the one that springs to mind here is "keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are getting".

But before this will work you need to have hit some sort of bottom, had that moment of clarity you have spoken of to me and Taz has just mentioned.

I keep thinking I have had mine and then I do it again.....maybe this time it is true and I have had the moment of clarity for real, I dunno, all I can do right now is not drink one day at a time and implement changes, while still doing the stuff that seems to help keep me sober.