Still Kicking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 96
Still Kicking
Hi everyone, I don't know really what to say than I'm sad and angry.
I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about a week and a half ago so I've been sober that long. I can't stop thinking about him and all the thoughts in my head about him, trying to get sober and kind of not wanting to at the same time, feeling insecure and lost.
I went to a AA meeting last night and this afternoon and I'm going to one tonight. I've done the AA scene before but after awhile I found that the drama that can sometimes happen got to me, I let it get to me I didn't stay in my own recovery, I let other peoples opinions get the better of me I guess. So I'm trying it again. The thing that has always gotten to me is the thought of never being able to drink again. I've been feeling so anxious and insecure lately that I can't imagine life without alcohol. I cut off all my friends cause they use and so now knowing that I have to make new sober friends scares me because I won't have the alcohol to make me feel better but I also know it would be good because it would be real.
I'm feeling so fragile right now that every time I think about this stuff it makes me want to just start crying and not stop, I know that it happens because all my crap is staring me right in my face and I've been covering it up with booze for years. I still want to cover it up. I'm terrified to stay sober.
I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about a week and a half ago so I've been sober that long. I can't stop thinking about him and all the thoughts in my head about him, trying to get sober and kind of not wanting to at the same time, feeling insecure and lost.
I went to a AA meeting last night and this afternoon and I'm going to one tonight. I've done the AA scene before but after awhile I found that the drama that can sometimes happen got to me, I let it get to me I didn't stay in my own recovery, I let other peoples opinions get the better of me I guess. So I'm trying it again. The thing that has always gotten to me is the thought of never being able to drink again. I've been feeling so anxious and insecure lately that I can't imagine life without alcohol. I cut off all my friends cause they use and so now knowing that I have to make new sober friends scares me because I won't have the alcohol to make me feel better but I also know it would be good because it would be real.
I'm feeling so fragile right now that every time I think about this stuff it makes me want to just start crying and not stop, I know that it happens because all my crap is staring me right in my face and I've been covering it up with booze for years. I still want to cover it up. I'm terrified to stay sober.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It is scary. Real scary.
Like taking away a security blanket.
But the longer you stay sober the more you get use to it. And I think the more it will become normal. Whatever normal is.
Try not to think about all that too much.
I am not into one liners much. But I do believe in one day at a time.
I can catastrophise all day if I dont.
Dont worry about tomorrow too much. Its today..right now is all that matters. We arent promised tomorrow.
Hang in there.
Like taking away a security blanket.
But the longer you stay sober the more you get use to it. And I think the more it will become normal. Whatever normal is.
Try not to think about all that too much.
I am not into one liners much. But I do believe in one day at a time.
I can catastrophise all day if I dont.
Dont worry about tomorrow too much. Its today..right now is all that matters. We arent promised tomorrow.
Hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Kat,
It's good to see you again.
Good for you having a week and a half sober! That's great! I'm sorry about your boyfriend, but I have a feeling you made a good choice for yourself.
I was overwhelmed at the thought of not drinking again, too. All I can suggest, and it is hard to do, is to stay in the moment. Don't get dragged into thinking about forever, or next year, or next month.
And, as far as the friends go, I agree with you. It was hard for me to remove people from my life, and I was not comfortable in social situations, but I KNEW that I would be me and that people would see the real me.
Please know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Honestly, I could have stopped drinking much earlier, if I hadn't been overwhelmed by the stuff in my life that I had to deal with you. But, Kat, you can manage it. You don't have to fix everything overnight and in fact, you don't have to fix everything at all. Take it slow, prioritize, make a list. Do one thing each day that brings you a bit closer to the life you want to live.
It's good to see you again.
Good for you having a week and a half sober! That's great! I'm sorry about your boyfriend, but I have a feeling you made a good choice for yourself.
I was overwhelmed at the thought of not drinking again, too. All I can suggest, and it is hard to do, is to stay in the moment. Don't get dragged into thinking about forever, or next year, or next month.
And, as far as the friends go, I agree with you. It was hard for me to remove people from my life, and I was not comfortable in social situations, but I KNEW that I would be me and that people would see the real me.
Please know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Honestly, I could have stopped drinking much earlier, if I hadn't been overwhelmed by the stuff in my life that I had to deal with you. But, Kat, you can manage it. You don't have to fix everything overnight and in fact, you don't have to fix everything at all. Take it slow, prioritize, make a list. Do one thing each day that brings you a bit closer to the life you want to live.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kat)))
It's good to see you back, sweetie. I know the past 2 weeks have been really rough for you...sending you lots and lots of hugs
It's okay to cry..sometimes we just have to get it out to get past it, ya know? I also remember being terrified of dealing with my feelings..hell, I didn't know WHAT I felt, who I was. Guess what, though? It didn't kill me, and I'm still here, actually doing pretty darned goo.
I'm glad you're going to so many meetings. Keep your recovery as a priority and try not to get sucked into the drama.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It's good to see you back, sweetie. I know the past 2 weeks have been really rough for you...sending you lots and lots of hugs
It's okay to cry..sometimes we just have to get it out to get past it, ya know? I also remember being terrified of dealing with my feelings..hell, I didn't know WHAT I felt, who I was. Guess what, though? It didn't kill me, and I'm still here, actually doing pretty darned goo.
I'm glad you're going to so many meetings. Keep your recovery as a priority and try not to get sucked into the drama.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Just try to focus on the here and now--this moment. I am starting over (again) after getting a year under my belt.....but I'm past the shame of going back out now. I know I can't drink anymore...and I can't worry about what may happen tomorrow. I can't say I will never drink again--I've said that too many times before in the past. I know today--that if I drink again..and get caught back in to the vicious cycle--I will prbably die. I picked up back where I left off--back to blackout drinking. That's no way for anybody to live. Welcome home! 
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Congrats on your sober time! It IS scary to be sober. Having to face things head on without the alcohol to numb you. But you know what? My worst day sober is still way better than my best day drunk. I have enough problems without adding alcohol.
You can stay sober. Just don't drink one day at a time. Don't drink today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Just live for today.
You can stay sober. Just don't drink one day at a time. Don't drink today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Just live for today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 96
Thanks to all of you
I hope I start feeling happy because when I smile or laugh most of the time I feel like I have to fake it because I don't want to be rude or show that I'm having a hard time
I totally agree with you least, I'd rather have the worst day of being sober than the worst day of being drunk.
I also hope that I'll start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm a very social person but if I don't feel comfortable with myself then it's really hard to even talk to anyone.....
I hope I start feeling happy because when I smile or laugh most of the time I feel like I have to fake it because I don't want to be rude or show that I'm having a hard time
I totally agree with you least, I'd rather have the worst day of being sober than the worst day of being drunk.
I also hope that I'll start feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm a very social person but if I don't feel comfortable with myself then it's really hard to even talk to anyone.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 96
Just got back from the AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting a really good one too.
I saw one of my old friends there and he is six months sober, he looks so good and sounds so good. He gave me lots of hugs and told me to keep coming back. He's going to be chairing this Friday witch I can't miss
Even though it was a good meeting I still find it hard to talk to people. I know it's going to take some time but I took a look around at the other people talking and laughing and I just want that now. aahhh my nerves and my anxiety have been getting the better of me
....
I saw one of my old friends there and he is six months sober, he looks so good and sounds so good. He gave me lots of hugs and told me to keep coming back. He's going to be chairing this Friday witch I can't miss
Even though it was a good meeting I still find it hard to talk to people. I know it's going to take some time but I took a look around at the other people talking and laughing and I just want that now. aahhh my nerves and my anxiety have been getting the better of me
....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kat)))
Don't be so hard on yourself, that you're not able to be so open yet. It's okay. I'm normally a "chatty-cathy" kind of person that you can't shut up, but I didn't talk at meetings for quite a while.
I just took it as a sign that I needed to listen, to get a little more comfortable and let things absorb for a while. I know of some people who never DID talk much at meetings, but when they did, it was great and they had awesome recoveries.
You're your own person...not like anyone else, and you are very special and deserve all the good in life...don't forget it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Don't be so hard on yourself, that you're not able to be so open yet. It's okay. I'm normally a "chatty-cathy" kind of person that you can't shut up, but I didn't talk at meetings for quite a while.
I just took it as a sign that I needed to listen, to get a little more comfortable and let things absorb for a while. I know of some people who never DID talk much at meetings, but when they did, it was great and they had awesome recoveries.
You're your own person...not like anyone else, and you are very special and deserve all the good in life...don't forget it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi Kat,
I was just thinking the same thing today, about not really knowing how to live sober. It is scary, but I've lived with the bottle of booze for so long that I'm sort of numb most of the time now. I hope both of us can find the ease we seek in sobriety, because I couldn't find it in the bottle, even after many years of trying. At least you are
recognizing your feelings, I have been disconnected from mine for so long that I don't know what I feel most of the time. That is the really scary part, not really knowing who I am anymore.
I can't live with the past anymore, which is how you sound today, so we need to start today creating a new past, one that doesn't include booze. That's the only real thing we can do. I'm with you and SR, for I can't do it alone, and we're not alone if we are here, trying to learn how to live without the bottle. Take care.
I was just thinking the same thing today, about not really knowing how to live sober. It is scary, but I've lived with the bottle of booze for so long that I'm sort of numb most of the time now. I hope both of us can find the ease we seek in sobriety, because I couldn't find it in the bottle, even after many years of trying. At least you are
recognizing your feelings, I have been disconnected from mine for so long that I don't know what I feel most of the time. That is the really scary part, not really knowing who I am anymore.
I can't live with the past anymore, which is how you sound today, so we need to start today creating a new past, one that doesn't include booze. That's the only real thing we can do. I'm with you and SR, for I can't do it alone, and we're not alone if we are here, trying to learn how to live without the bottle. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 96
Yeah, I sure have been disconnected for a long time and now that I've stopped drinking all my stuff is in my face and I really need to get rid of this bag of crap that I've been carrying around for so long. More and more I've been becoming more and more sad and been crying a lot, trying to release and understand and work though it all. I'm finding myself lately getting frustrated and wanting to use. Struggling with migraines and feeling really irritated.
I don't want to hurt my brain chemistry any more but I'm just finding it hard to not want to medicate with alcohol.
I don't want to hurt my brain chemistry any more but I'm just finding it hard to not want to medicate with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kat)))
You want to drink because that's what your body/mind is used to doing. Heck, I've got 2 years clean, and it's only been recently that my first reaction to stress hasn't been "get numb".
You know alcohol isn't going to make it all better. It's just going to make things worse, in the long run. Think it all the way through, sweetie. You drink, you'll be angry at yourself for having done it and you'll be back at another day one. If drinking were all that great, you wouldn't keep trying to quit, now would you?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You want to drink because that's what your body/mind is used to doing. Heck, I've got 2 years clean, and it's only been recently that my first reaction to stress hasn't been "get numb".
You know alcohol isn't going to make it all better. It's just going to make things worse, in the long run. Think it all the way through, sweetie. You drink, you'll be angry at yourself for having done it and you'll be back at another day one. If drinking were all that great, you wouldn't keep trying to quit, now would you?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Kat,
Just know that early sobriety is really hard, but you can get through this.
I get migraines too, and there are better ways to deal with them, than drinking. Can you get some medication from your dr?
Just give yourself a chance to deal with some of the stuff and you will feel better.
Just know that early sobriety is really hard, but you can get through this.
I get migraines too, and there are better ways to deal with them, than drinking. Can you get some medication from your dr?
Just give yourself a chance to deal with some of the stuff and you will feel better.
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