A Huge Step For Me
 

I need to share with you. Warning this may be long.

First, I want to thank everybody here. I have relapsed many, many times over the years. Sometimes I have been active on here. Usually when I am doing well. Sometimes I have been silent. Read...when I am drinking. I have come here daily since December 2006. I have done well for periods of time then relapsed and got drunk over and over and over again.

I have had multiple hospitalizations for alcoholism over the last two years. I always have been able to cover my tracks at work with just the right Doctor's note to save my job, but never to explain exactly what was wrong with me.

I have pushed people out of my life that really cared about me. Not fellow drinkers, but people that cared. I drink alone.

Last week everything came to a head one more time for me. I had been drinking non stop on my days off. I was frightened beyond belief and knew I would be in horrible withdrawal if I stopped. I called Mental Health and they told me if I found a treatment center/detox facility that would accept me they would take me there. I did, 400 miles away in Elko, NV. As promised the Mental Health driver came and picked me up. I was drunk. We drove and he got lost. When we stopped at a gas station, I'm sorry to say that I was going through withdrawals and tried to buy a beer, didn't care who saw and guzzled it.

I arrived at the treatment center Wednesday, March 18th. My BAC was .22.
I was still going into withdrawals. That's how much alcohol I need to be ok.

My detox was horrible. While I was monitored, I was not seen by a DR. and only a nurse once. They told me that I wasn't "that bad". I was in a little room and asked to go to ER several times. My blood pressure wasn't in the range that required that.

The program wanted me to stay in for a thirty day program. I have insurance, but this program was out of network for me. They called my 19 year old son, but wouldn't let me talk to him. They told me that he was willing to use his college money (he attends UC Santa Barbara) and has worked hard to achieve what he has.

I told the treatment center that I could not take my son's money. They told me that I was in denial. I'm not in denial.

I needed paper work from the treatment center for my employer. What they filled out when I decided to leave was pretty bad. I left against staff advice.
I didn't finish their treatment plan for me.

On the bus trip back home, I tried to scam every way I could to avoid losing my job.

Finally this morning I got honest. Oh, before I go farther, I need to tell you what my bus ride home was like. I left Elko at 2:30 PM. Two stops before Reno. I stopped and did not drink. Got into Reno, NV at about 8:00 PM.
There was a shuttle waiting to take me to the Reno Airport right then. Again, did not drink. Got to the airport and just had a 1/2 hour wait for the bus to Tahoe. I stayed outside and smoked and didn't seek an airport bar. Took the shuttle to Tahoe, got off the bus and there was a local bus driver that knew me and although I didn't have a reservation asked if I needed a ride home. Divine Intervention? I think so.

Today, I was exhausted. I called for an appointment with my Dr. to check me out and see if I'm ok. Again, I was completely honest. They can't get me in until Thursday.

I then called Human Resources where I work. I spoke to the woman that was every step of the way with me this last week and instead of evading the issue or covering up, I told her exactly what was going on. I told her that I left against staff advice, I told her about my fear and shame. I told her that I knew I could be fired. She didn't pull any punches and told me that while everybody was pulling for me, I could in deed be fired because of my recent history of calling off work. She suggested that I call my manager.

I did call my manager and was just as honest with her.
Again, I told on myself and was completely honest. I told her that I knew she had grounds to fire me and I asked her for one more chance. She was more then willing to give it to me.

I am so relieved that I'm not lying or hiding anymore. My manager told me that they knew something was wrong, suspected but needed me to come forth and tell them myself.

I wish I could go to inpatient treatment, but again, I will not take my son's money to make that happen. I called my insurance company and they will also work with me and help find a provider in network so I can go to outpatient.

I am scared. I am still shaking, but the relief that I feel by just being totally honest is incredible.

Again, I want to thank all of you for being here. All of your posts, suggestions, stories of what it has been like for you has gotten me to this point.

Nice to see you again mtn, you and I joined SR around the same time so we're sorta like 2006 alumni :wink:

I appreciate your post and the message it carries, and most of all I'm glad you're safe and alive. Just please be honest with yourself too, OK?

I'm an AA'er, so every day begins with Steps 1-3. Step 1 is all about honesty, admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol, that my life is unmanageable. To me, that means I can never safely take a drink again. To drink might mean to die.

Glad you're back, and I hope you stay with us.

What a great post!

I see you are so full of honesty and that it has really worked for you, and I think it will make you more accountable in this recovery.

Personally, I agree with you about not using your son's education money. If you want to recover, I believe you can do it without using his money. For me, the guilt of doing that would be too difficult.

It sounds like you are ready to do what you need to do to stay sober.

The old adage "honesty is the best policy" always holds true. 18 months ago when I started by sobriety journey I came clean to my boss; I too was perpetually absent, he has been a great support for me and more person whom I don't want to fail by going back to bottle.

You can do this.

J

Wow - mtnmagic - this is a huge time for you and I so hope it all works out - sounds like you are really ready and that your work is supportive of you getting the help you need and deserve..
Stay safe and with us.. will have you in my thoughts at this critical time!

I'm glad you're back and ok and willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

:ghug3

All - I have hurt my son over and over again. When the treatment center told me that they had talked to my son and he was willing to pay was a bottom for me. I could not do it. It was hard to stand my ground. I have been sick and selfish to the 9th degree. He was willing and the center told me that I was hurting my son, because he wanted me in treatment. I told them that I could NOT take his money and then never live with myself again. I mean that.

I don't have to be in inpatient to get better. I don't have to take my son's money.

I don't have to hide and walk away from my responsibility. (Believe me, it is tempting to do so.) It is like the last shred of honesty I had left gave me the courage to just talk to work and let them know what was going on no matter the consequences.

I know how on the edge I am right now. I know I was able to get through a very long trip back home to face whatever might be, no matter if I lost my job or not.

The shame and guilt are still here. It is so strong. But I have hope that I have done the very right thing.

Four years ago, the anxiety over being a good parent to my children was almost more than I could bear, I didn't think it was possible after my actions had torn our family apart.

Thanks to my sponsor, I understand that my life at this point is a living amends to my children, my responsibility is to stay sober and be the best father that I'm capable of being. Lead by example, it's simple enough for me to handle.

We share an amazing life together, the hurting has ceased. I owe that to my recovery.

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.
I'm sure things will work out for you.
Hugs to you :ghug3
XOXO

This was a great post!!
One that has helped me especially today.
With my own job related issues.
Honesty...Sounds good to me.
If nothing else. That takes real integrity.
Good Job and good luck.

MM....:hug:
I've been worrying about you. Thanks for the update.
I'm really pleased to see your new progress.

I went directly from drunk to AA
so I can't share on the treatment center
or the upcoming IOP experience.

All my best as you move forward..:yup:

keep climbing that mountain Mtn

awwww, sweetie, it's so good to see you back :ghug3

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Glad to see you made it back.... ecstatic that you have taken that first and imho most important step in recovery HONESTY!!!!!

I found that the 3 of these tied together are the very keystones of my recovery.

I had to get honest with myself about my alcoholism, I had to be honest enough with myself to admit that I could not get or stay sober alone, I needed help!

Being honest I reached out for help, I had to open my mind and be willing to take suggestions from others who were staying sober no matter how much my disease tried to convince me that those suggestions were not for me.

I have to stay honest with myself and when ever a drink starts to seem like a good idea be willing to ask for help and be openminded enough to try things I have not tried before to stay sober.

I find the solution for my alcoholism by doing what other sober alcoholics were doing because I was honest enough to know that my way did not work.

Honesty has paid off for you so far, stay honest, be openminded & willing and the sky is the limit.

I lived a lie for many years and was enslaved, I became brutally honest with myself and was set free!

Thanks again for all the encouragement and support. I have stayed sober for today. I did go to an AA meeting. It was very hard for me to walk through that door, yet again. Why? Just my ego and false pride getting in the way.
I'm so glad that I went. I was welcomed with love, care and concern.

Feeling a whole lot of fear. It comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and then bam, the fear comes out of nowhere. I never, ever want to go through this again. Actually, I believe this is the last chance for me to get it right. I'm going to die if I don't. I'm so grateful I made it back to recovery one more time. I am blessed.

I STILL have that fear today! I embrace it. I do not want to ever forget that feeling of desperation I had 11 months ago. Fear is a good thing for me. Alcohol could kill me.
But the panic has left me. Cause I am doing this thing, one day at a time. :)

Welcome back! I look forward to getting to know you on this journey.

Good to hear from you, MM :) And thank you for your inspiring account. Gratitude rocks! Make sure to hold on to that feeling :)

Thank you for sharing.

One step at a time.

I've missed you!!!!! I'm glad you're back! :ghug3