A Huge Step For Me
Thanks for the posts. I am sober today. I am still an anxious mess emotionally, but physically feeling better.
The fact that people on this site don't seem to look down on me and being welcomed back so unconditionally in AA, gives me hope for myself. You are doing what I'm having a real tough time doing right now, believe in myself.
I am working on faith. I believe so much in a power greater than myself.
Faith that I deserve guidance and direction, well that is a tough one right now. I will not give up for today.
Nicki - Thank you for posting on this thread. I was very fearful that I had burned a bridge with you, before we were even able to meet face to face.
I am so excited to finally meet you, I hope some time soon.
Take good care of yourself and believe me, no matter what is going on with you, I'll be there for you in any way my early sober self can be. I may not
have much ESH, but however I can be there for you, I will.
Thanks again everybody.
The fact that people on this site don't seem to look down on me and being welcomed back so unconditionally in AA, gives me hope for myself. You are doing what I'm having a real tough time doing right now, believe in myself.
I am working on faith. I believe so much in a power greater than myself.
Faith that I deserve guidance and direction, well that is a tough one right now. I will not give up for today.
Nicki - Thank you for posting on this thread. I was very fearful that I had burned a bridge with you, before we were even able to meet face to face.
I am so excited to finally meet you, I hope some time soon.
Take good care of yourself and believe me, no matter what is going on with you, I'll be there for you in any way my early sober self can be. I may not
have much ESH, but however I can be there for you, I will.
Thanks again everybody.
I'm glad to see you back too. I enjoyed your posts when I first joined in '07. It's obvious something is different this time - you sound scared, yet relieved in a way. I think you're finally ready, Mtn. For me, it took years of trial and error. I finally got it right this time. Sending love.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Nicki - Thank you for posting on this thread. I was very fearful that I had burned a bridge with you, before we were even able to meet face to face.
I am so excited to finally meet you, I hope some time soon.
Take good care of yourself and believe me, no matter what is going on with you, I'll be there for you in any way my early sober self can be. I may not
have much ESH, but however I can be there for you, I will.
Thanks again everybody.
YOU are wonderful and so deserving of what life -- real sober life -- has to offer!!!!
No bridge burned here, ever! I can't wait to get together here in the near future! Going to Sacramento tomorrow to take a friend to the dr's and then to "old sac" for massage oils! I'll give ya a shout on the phone by Saturday for sure!
My reaching out to you was always unconditional! I never felt anything but love and care --- with alot of prayers -- for you! You need to not ever worry about me in that way towards you or anyone else here for that matter. Who am I to ever judge or put up expectations that I can't even live up to at times myself? LIVE AND LET LIVE!!!! I think that'll be a new motto I can adapt to!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo:ghug3
Another big step for me. I went to my Dr. today. I brought the paperwork from the treatment center that documented I left against staff advice.
Even though I feel horrible shame and guilt, I told the Dr. that I was a chronic alcoholic. I explained what went on this last time in
detox for me and how scared I was going through it. I also explained that I was sick of hiding my alcoholism. That even though it might not be in my best interest employment wise, I was sick of avoiding exactly what I am.
My Dr was kind and understanding. He ran several tests. The most important needs that showed up were low thyroid and high blood pressure.
We discussed the fact that I could have used detox med's to help me last week, but the worst was over. He believes that is why my blood pressure remained high.
The Dr recommended a benzo to help me get through the panic attacks. God where did this come from? I told him "NO". We discussed alternatives. Goodness sakes, I feel like a grown up today!
I explained that the detox facility kept telling me over and over that I was seeking Narcotics. I was in denial. You know, maybe I was. The options to pay for continuing treatment was at my son's expense. As I have shared before, I couldn't do it.
I also realized that inpatient treatment would be such a safe haven to me. It would offer a double edge sword. It would come at the expense of people (my ex and my son) that I have used and abused to get my way in the past.
I guess the bottom line is I walked away from the Dr. appointment proud of myself. For once in a long, long time. I don't have a script for narcotics, nor even benzo's. I did stick around and fill two perscriptions that will not get me high, but help my thyroid and my blood pressure.
I called my work with honesty and told the total truth for a big change in me.
I don't have a lot of support. It is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know how to let other people closer, without going into self destructive mode.
Even though I feel horrible shame and guilt, I told the Dr. that I was a chronic alcoholic. I explained what went on this last time in
detox for me and how scared I was going through it. I also explained that I was sick of hiding my alcoholism. That even though it might not be in my best interest employment wise, I was sick of avoiding exactly what I am.
My Dr was kind and understanding. He ran several tests. The most important needs that showed up were low thyroid and high blood pressure.
We discussed the fact that I could have used detox med's to help me last week, but the worst was over. He believes that is why my blood pressure remained high.
The Dr recommended a benzo to help me get through the panic attacks. God where did this come from? I told him "NO". We discussed alternatives. Goodness sakes, I feel like a grown up today!
I explained that the detox facility kept telling me over and over that I was seeking Narcotics. I was in denial. You know, maybe I was. The options to pay for continuing treatment was at my son's expense. As I have shared before, I couldn't do it.
I also realized that inpatient treatment would be such a safe haven to me. It would offer a double edge sword. It would come at the expense of people (my ex and my son) that I have used and abused to get my way in the past.
I guess the bottom line is I walked away from the Dr. appointment proud of myself. For once in a long, long time. I don't have a script for narcotics, nor even benzo's. I did stick around and fill two perscriptions that will not get me high, but help my thyroid and my blood pressure.
I called my work with honesty and told the total truth for a big change in me.
I don't have a lot of support. It is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know how to let other people closer, without going into self destructive mode.
I posted this on another members thread who is struggling just like I am.
I was amazed when I was finished writing. I don't want to mis direct that thread so I am posting it here also. Thanks.
Day 9 for me. So glad to be here.
I am amazed that I have stayed sober these 9 days. Through this time I have been as honest as I can be.
I went to detox on March 17th. It was hell for me. The place that I went to wanted me to stay in treatment. I was torn. To escape looked like a pretty good deal to this alcoholic. Let my world go crashing down (again) with me safe and sound in treatment. The conditions were not acceptable. Since the facility was out of network for my insurance, I would need money to get me through. My son (who is 19 and in college offered to help pay) Nope, just couldn't do that. Not his hard earned money for college.
I had to notify my work due to my absence. When I chose to leave treatment, the paper work I had for my employer had to be filled out. In bold black letters all over the paperwork the treatment center had written "left treatment against medical advice." This is true and I had good reasons.
How to deal with this? How to get around this was my first thought. Then I just surrendered. I'm not going to get around this. I will deal with it directly for the first time in a long time. So I did.
Told the employer exactly what was on the paperwork. Scheduled a Dr. appointment. Wow, some self care after only seeking it on an emergency basis.
Started going to AA daily.
I have kept in contact with work. I am being paid my vacation time while I am off. I was level honest with the Dr. I do have some health problems related to my drinking and some maybe not related. I have to follow through with tests.
I need to do a face to face meeting with my boss before I'm put back on the schedule at work. I could make things awful for my self or just let them be.
I realize that I could be fired, no matter how my employers support is on the phone.
Oh well, the most important thing is to stay sober one more day.
Gee, I'm surprised that I rambled on this long on my post.
I'm going to copy it to the thread that I started when I began my new journey.
Thanks for being here!
I was amazed when I was finished writing. I don't want to mis direct that thread so I am posting it here also. Thanks.
Day 9 for me. So glad to be here.
I am amazed that I have stayed sober these 9 days. Through this time I have been as honest as I can be.
I went to detox on March 17th. It was hell for me. The place that I went to wanted me to stay in treatment. I was torn. To escape looked like a pretty good deal to this alcoholic. Let my world go crashing down (again) with me safe and sound in treatment. The conditions were not acceptable. Since the facility was out of network for my insurance, I would need money to get me through. My son (who is 19 and in college offered to help pay) Nope, just couldn't do that. Not his hard earned money for college.
I had to notify my work due to my absence. When I chose to leave treatment, the paper work I had for my employer had to be filled out. In bold black letters all over the paperwork the treatment center had written "left treatment against medical advice." This is true and I had good reasons.
How to deal with this? How to get around this was my first thought. Then I just surrendered. I'm not going to get around this. I will deal with it directly for the first time in a long time. So I did.
Told the employer exactly what was on the paperwork. Scheduled a Dr. appointment. Wow, some self care after only seeking it on an emergency basis.
Started going to AA daily.
I have kept in contact with work. I am being paid my vacation time while I am off. I was level honest with the Dr. I do have some health problems related to my drinking and some maybe not related. I have to follow through with tests.
I need to do a face to face meeting with my boss before I'm put back on the schedule at work. I could make things awful for my self or just let them be.
I realize that I could be fired, no matter how my employers support is on the phone.
Oh well, the most important thing is to stay sober one more day.
Gee, I'm surprised that I rambled on this long on my post.
I'm going to copy it to the thread that I started when I began my new journey.
Thanks for being here!
So my work called today and asked that I bring in all my paper work. I asked if I could fax it to them. It was fine for them, just so they got it.
My mind tells me that they are looking for a way to fire me. That may be true, but honestly...so be it.
I'm nine days in to sobriety.
Really this is not a picnic. I have little energy, strong sadness and total discomfort with myself.
I will not blame anyone else. I got myself into this mess. I've had multiple chances at recovery. I have thrown away every single one of them for a selfish reason on my part.
My mind tells me that they are looking for a way to fire me. That may be true, but honestly...so be it.
I'm nine days in to sobriety.
Really this is not a picnic. I have little energy, strong sadness and total discomfort with myself.
I will not blame anyone else. I got myself into this mess. I've had multiple chances at recovery. I have thrown away every single one of them for a selfish reason on my part.
Still sober one more day. Met with my boss late afternoon yesterday. I'm back on the schedule starting on Tuesday. I know I am very lucky. I hope that I can maintain my sobriety.
It is day 10 and I'm still going through some withdrawals. Nothing like it was in the first few days, but enough to show I have done real harm to my body.
It is day 10 and I'm still going through some withdrawals. Nothing like it was in the first few days, but enough to show I have done real harm to my body.
Congratulations on day 10!!! I'm so proud of you and what you're doing. It really is an inspiration to all of us, especially the newbies who are reading your words. Getting back to work might be a bit stressful wondering what they're all thinking. But what they think isn't as important as your honesty. Just remember that we SR folks are with you in spirit.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Wow. The honesty of your post really hit me.
The guilt and shame you speak of, are things we have all felt....but the really awesome thing is, that they CAN be put in perspective....and learned from. They actually can end up helping you stay sober, is what I"m trying to say.
A huge congrats on your journey. Huge Congrats.
The guilt and shame you speak of, are things we have all felt....but the really awesome thing is, that they CAN be put in perspective....and learned from. They actually can end up helping you stay sober, is what I"m trying to say.
A huge congrats on your journey. Huge Congrats.
Good luck on your journey and getting back to work. I know how agonizing that can be, losing your job over drinking. I lost 3 jobs over it. I still can't believe that I allowed that to happen. Through that experience, I have sure appreciated the job I have now. I don't want alcohol to get in the way of jeopardizing my job ever again. Second chances are nice.
Wow mtnmagic,
You are truly inspiring to this alcoholic.
I hope that all the newcomers look to you. THIS is how it is done in the beginning. One step at a time. You are in ACTION!
You are not just finding excuses, finding problems, blocks to yuor recovery, you are IN the solution!
WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!
You are truly inspiring to this alcoholic.
I hope that all the newcomers look to you. THIS is how it is done in the beginning. One step at a time. You are in ACTION!
You are not just finding excuses, finding problems, blocks to yuor recovery, you are IN the solution!
WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!
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