Should I get rid of the alcohol in my home?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
I think the heroin and coke analogy is totally valid. If alcohol is your drug of choice it is no different from a heroin addicts DOC being heroin.
If you are an alcoholic there is no such thing as a nice glass of wine with your meal etc. It won't stay like that for long.
Just because it is legal doen't make it safer, in fact alcohol kills far more people than heroin.
If you are an alcoholic there is no such thing as a nice glass of wine with your meal etc. It won't stay like that for long.
Just because it is legal doen't make it safer, in fact alcohol kills far more people than heroin.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
North!
I am really impressed that you are doing so well. If I were digging into a meal and I had someone offering me some wine.... wow!!!... I am 6 months sober, certain meals, Fri evenings and late nites are my worst times.
Anyway, my wife has a tall white wine spritzer every nite just before bed. She doesn't offer me any and tries to be low key about it. She hides the bottle (yea, right, I could find it, but maybe if I were to look I'd have a minute to think...)
My first thought was... Why is she offering, why does your son waive the bet?
My wife misses those late night drinks with me. Also, I have not been always the poster child for AA recovery... some self pity, withdrawn at times (getting better)... It would in fact be easier for her if I didn't stop entirely. She knows I have to though.
Mark
I am really impressed that you are doing so well. If I were digging into a meal and I had someone offering me some wine.... wow!!!... I am 6 months sober, certain meals, Fri evenings and late nites are my worst times.
Anyway, my wife has a tall white wine spritzer every nite just before bed. She doesn't offer me any and tries to be low key about it. She hides the bottle (yea, right, I could find it, but maybe if I were to look I'd have a minute to think...)
My first thought was... Why is she offering, why does your son waive the bet?
My wife misses those late night drinks with me. Also, I have not been always the poster child for AA recovery... some self pity, withdrawn at times (getting better)... It would in fact be easier for her if I didn't stop entirely. She knows I have to though.
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Overseas... on the shore of an uncharted desert isle.
Posts: 254
Mark,
I think both my wife and son are fully convinced I would be absolutely fine if I had a few drinks at home. They simply don't see my problem the same way that recovering alcoholics do. They are certainly very happy that there are no longer nights once or twice a month when I stumble home at the wee hours of the morning - but they don't see me as an 'alcoholic', just someone who lacked enough 'self-control' once in a while to limit his drinks after work.
I've of course explained to my wife how hard I tried with the controlled-drinking method - and failed. She just smiled and I am certain she was thinking I just did not try hard enough.
At least she understands that now with my body completely off of alcohol for a full month and a half, my tolerance would be naturally lower and not at all a good idea for health reasons.
I have not yet explained all that I have been doing with AA and I think I will need to sit her down later this month and explain the path I am on.
north
I think both my wife and son are fully convinced I would be absolutely fine if I had a few drinks at home. They simply don't see my problem the same way that recovering alcoholics do. They are certainly very happy that there are no longer nights once or twice a month when I stumble home at the wee hours of the morning - but they don't see me as an 'alcoholic', just someone who lacked enough 'self-control' once in a while to limit his drinks after work.
I've of course explained to my wife how hard I tried with the controlled-drinking method - and failed. She just smiled and I am certain she was thinking I just did not try hard enough.
At least she understands that now with my body completely off of alcohol for a full month and a half, my tolerance would be naturally lower and not at all a good idea for health reasons.
I have not yet explained all that I have been doing with AA and I think I will need to sit her down later this month and explain the path I am on.
north
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
My house has been alcohol free since I quit, mostly. I still have listerine, and vanilla extract.. I could probably scrounge up some expired orange juice. I've never used them to get drunk, I'd never think of it. When I first read your post I was thinking "yeah! wife supports this, and offers to throw it out, that's easy!". Why WOULD you keep it around if it's even worth bringing up here?
My house has to be my safe zone, because nowhere else is.
I'm a bit confused as to why your wife is trying to convince you to drink? That just kinda baffles me.. If I had to fight that fight IN my house? oh man... Not only tempting you, but then arguing with your not wanting to drink.. yikes. Have you had a talk with her that you are NEVER drinking again? Are some doors left open in terms of "one day maybe"? I think if you make a solid committment to yourself that never means never, and explain to her about how much that means to you and to NOT tempt you (again baffled here...), she might understand a bit more.. And why is your son jumping into this or even part of it.. I don't understand how that is appropriate at all, what a heavy burden on a child (adult child even..)..I don't know what I would have done if my parents had involved me at all when they quit, other than telling me they quit.
Stay strong.. I hope it gets easier at home. You might have left some 'doors' open about your future and drinking, not sure, but if you want to quit and quit for good, and wife is willing to forego the wine at home, by all means, pour it out...why keep it?
My house has to be my safe zone, because nowhere else is.
I'm a bit confused as to why your wife is trying to convince you to drink? That just kinda baffles me.. If I had to fight that fight IN my house? oh man... Not only tempting you, but then arguing with your not wanting to drink.. yikes. Have you had a talk with her that you are NEVER drinking again? Are some doors left open in terms of "one day maybe"? I think if you make a solid committment to yourself that never means never, and explain to her about how much that means to you and to NOT tempt you (again baffled here...), she might understand a bit more.. And why is your son jumping into this or even part of it.. I don't understand how that is appropriate at all, what a heavy burden on a child (adult child even..)..I don't know what I would have done if my parents had involved me at all when they quit, other than telling me they quit.
Stay strong.. I hope it gets easier at home. You might have left some 'doors' open about your future and drinking, not sure, but if you want to quit and quit for good, and wife is willing to forego the wine at home, by all means, pour it out...why keep it?
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
It is amazing that we found something we can agree upon here.
Even though my wife has wine and liquors in the house I say the safest thing to do is dump it.
I only drink beer so the rest of the things have never had any appeal to me.
Even though my wife has wine and liquors in the house I say the safest thing to do is dump it.
I only drink beer so the rest of the things have never had any appeal to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Your post resonated with me. Although in some ways we are different...I was a daily drinker - not to blackout, and mostly a happy drunk - and as such I could just be ignored or at least tolerated. A lot of times I could be a lot of fun with a good buzz on...
My recovery is actually, at times, a bigger challenge for my family than when I was active... I know it's hard for my wife. We are married 25 years, happily, and will ultimately regain the comfortable and loving relationship we enjoyed before my disease progressed to a worrisome state and before I started recovery.
It is a journey we both have to take, it is not mine alone. I always have to remember that.
Nice to see you here!!
Mark
My recovery is actually, at times, a bigger challenge for my family than when I was active... I know it's hard for my wife. We are married 25 years, happily, and will ultimately regain the comfortable and loving relationship we enjoyed before my disease progressed to a worrisome state and before I started recovery.
It is a journey we both have to take, it is not mine alone. I always have to remember that.
Nice to see you here!!
Mark
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
North,
I feel what I think I could accurately call, RAGE, over your wife's and son's ignorance. Their reactions to you and their appeals to you that you drink are severely benighted and dangerous to your life and well-being. They may be well-meaning and innocent but that doesn't change their effect.
When I first got sober, I had the distinct impression that my husband almost wanted me to fail. Then he could "win" and I would be proven to be the weak and lying drunk and he could be "morally superior" or whatever.
Your wife's apparent desire to see your drinking as a matter of will-power (even when you have told her otherwise) smacks of a challenge to prove herself superior in character and control. I don't believe for a minute that she really thinking, deep down, that you can drink like a normal person.
If you told her that you could no longer drive because you were blind and she insisted on keeping your car keys in your pocket and continued to encourage you to just drive around the block, wouldn't you question her motives?
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm overreacting. But I just think that family dynamics are usually much more complicated than they look on the surface. And your situation just sounds and smells seriously puzzling.
I can't imagine why your wife and son are undermining you. But that's exactly what it looks like they're doing to me. (Maybe when you were drinking, you were weaker and more easy to manipulate. Maybe when you were drinking, they enjoyed the role of the suffering victims. Maybe when you were drinking, they felt morally superior.) Their intentions are not known to me and are no doubt buried and not even immediately apparent to them.
But, if I were you, I wouldn't let them join forces with my own "General" (my internal voice that tried to direct me to drink) to escort me back to my life as a drunk.
I know I'm taking this one personally. I apologize. It's the recovering drunk in me.
I feel what I think I could accurately call, RAGE, over your wife's and son's ignorance. Their reactions to you and their appeals to you that you drink are severely benighted and dangerous to your life and well-being. They may be well-meaning and innocent but that doesn't change their effect.
When I first got sober, I had the distinct impression that my husband almost wanted me to fail. Then he could "win" and I would be proven to be the weak and lying drunk and he could be "morally superior" or whatever.
Your wife's apparent desire to see your drinking as a matter of will-power (even when you have told her otherwise) smacks of a challenge to prove herself superior in character and control. I don't believe for a minute that she really thinking, deep down, that you can drink like a normal person.
If you told her that you could no longer drive because you were blind and she insisted on keeping your car keys in your pocket and continued to encourage you to just drive around the block, wouldn't you question her motives?
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm overreacting. But I just think that family dynamics are usually much more complicated than they look on the surface. And your situation just sounds and smells seriously puzzling.
I can't imagine why your wife and son are undermining you. But that's exactly what it looks like they're doing to me. (Maybe when you were drinking, you were weaker and more easy to manipulate. Maybe when you were drinking, they enjoyed the role of the suffering victims. Maybe when you were drinking, they felt morally superior.) Their intentions are not known to me and are no doubt buried and not even immediately apparent to them.
But, if I were you, I wouldn't let them join forces with my own "General" (my internal voice that tried to direct me to drink) to escort me back to my life as a drunk.
I know I'm taking this one personally. I apologize. It's the recovering drunk in me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
North...
I wonder about a few things, and I can't get this thread out of my mind, so pardon me if I keep it going.
How concerned was your wife about your drinking? From your posts, I take it that YOU were, and, as such, you are doing this for yourself... which is exactly right. But I wonder if you've really explained to her how strongly you feel about your problem, how bad you thought your problem was. If you were taking bets from family about your sobriety, perhaps they got the wrong message? That it was some sort of a challenge, or sort of a game? Not the life changing process of recovery that it really is...
You mentioned that you hadn't really discussed AA yet. Does she know what alcoholism is, really. It is not a lack of willpower? Not some challenge like "The Biggest Loser" reality show, or worse, SoberHouse?
I really hope that she is not undermining you knowingly, and you haven't given me reason (yet) to think she is. Maybe she just doesn't know what is at stake. It is your responsibility to let her know, because your recovery is your responsibility.
Hope that came out OK. Seems like emotions are running high on this thread.
Mark
I wonder about a few things, and I can't get this thread out of my mind, so pardon me if I keep it going.
How concerned was your wife about your drinking? From your posts, I take it that YOU were, and, as such, you are doing this for yourself... which is exactly right. But I wonder if you've really explained to her how strongly you feel about your problem, how bad you thought your problem was. If you were taking bets from family about your sobriety, perhaps they got the wrong message? That it was some sort of a challenge, or sort of a game? Not the life changing process of recovery that it really is...
You mentioned that you hadn't really discussed AA yet. Does she know what alcoholism is, really. It is not a lack of willpower? Not some challenge like "The Biggest Loser" reality show, or worse, SoberHouse?
I really hope that she is not undermining you knowingly, and you haven't given me reason (yet) to think she is. Maybe she just doesn't know what is at stake. It is your responsibility to let her know, because your recovery is your responsibility.
Hope that came out OK. Seems like emotions are running high on this thread.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 617
An alcoholic who has booze in the house is like a suicidal person staring at a .357. YOU ARE PUTTING YOURSELF IN NEEDLESS DANGER.
I remember the Big Book had something about how you could have a little booze in your house so you could help another alcoholic who is at the end of their rope, but that is after YEARS of sobriety. I wpouldn't do it even then!!!
Get rid of it!!!
I remember the Big Book had something about how you could have a little booze in your house so you could help another alcoholic who is at the end of their rope, but that is after YEARS of sobriety. I wpouldn't do it even then!!!
Get rid of it!!!
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
This question seems to crop up from time to time on here.
There is alcohol in my home, has been ever since I stopped drinking 10 months ago, in fact there's probably more than when I was drinking cos I'm not drinking it.
I have over the last 10 months answered similar questions to yours with a " I think its ok to have alcohol in the house as long as you trust yourself not to drink it ".
I'm happy for guest's in my house to drink alcohol but I'm not giving you the standard answer.
I've seen a couple of people take my advice that I think its ok, only for them then to relapse not long after.
If you are in any doubt at all that it would be a tempatation then chuck it I'm gonna say, better safe than sorry.
There is alcohol in my home, has been ever since I stopped drinking 10 months ago, in fact there's probably more than when I was drinking cos I'm not drinking it.
I have over the last 10 months answered similar questions to yours with a " I think its ok to have alcohol in the house as long as you trust yourself not to drink it ".
I'm happy for guest's in my house to drink alcohol but I'm not giving you the standard answer.
I've seen a couple of people take my advice that I think its ok, only for them then to relapse not long after.
If you are in any doubt at all that it would be a tempatation then chuck it I'm gonna say, better safe than sorry.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
In early sobriety my house became a booze free zone, I let freinds and family drink if they wish now, but they take what is left with them. I have gone to a lot of places where drinking was going on and it has yet to bother me, the drunks at public events can be obnoxious sometimes, but other then that my feelings are pretty darn neutral about booze now. In early sobriety I feel a booze free home is the best bet.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
North, it might be a good idea to have your wife read the big book or some other AA literature. Alcoholism is a lot more complicated than just not having will power. If that is her estimation of it, she is not informed.
As one poster mentioned here, he has had alcohol in his home without any problem. But, your situation seems to go further than that: your partner is actively encouraging you to drink despite being aware that you are trying to stop.
If you can handle having it around AND handle her invitations to drink, well, that is fantastic. The problem might be that one day her invitation will sound like a good idea and then you will be off and running.
As one poster mentioned here, he has had alcohol in his home without any problem. But, your situation seems to go further than that: your partner is actively encouraging you to drink despite being aware that you are trying to stop.
If you can handle having it around AND handle her invitations to drink, well, that is fantastic. The problem might be that one day her invitation will sound like a good idea and then you will be off and running.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by mikefreak 
An alcoholic who has booze in the house is like a suicidal person staring at a .357. YOU ARE PUTTING YOURSELF IN NEEDLESS DANGER.
I remember the Big Book had something about how you could have a little booze in your house so you could help another alcoholic who is at the end of their rope, but that is after YEARS of sobriety. I wpouldn't do it even then!!!
Get rid of it!!!
I remember the Big Book had something about how you could have a little booze in your house so you could help another alcoholic who is at the end of their rope, but that is after YEARS of sobriety. I wpouldn't do it even then!!!
Get rid of it!!!
The BB was written/printed in 1939; I doubt that the many of the first 100 (sic)had 'years' of sobriety. Even Bill W. only had 4-5 years of sobriety at the time.....
Here are some readings in the BB where it talks about our relationship with alcohol in sobriety (I'd do a copy and paste here, but I always find it more educational when I research and read for myself----hardcopy preferably).....:
1) In Chapter 6---Into Action; Page 84 (starting with the bottom paragraph) throuigh Page 85 (the first paragraph); and
2) In Chapter 7---Working with Others; Page 100 (starting with the bottom paragraph) through Page 103 (the end of this chapter); and
3) In this last reading, you will find the reference you mentioned (liquor in the house to help folks withdrawals) in the last paragraph of Page 102.
Mainly what I learned from these readings is it's all up to the individual; I have no right to tell another whether they should, or are able to, have liquor in their own homes. I CAN give my Experience, Strength, and Hope in this regards, and for me, I've had liquor in all of my households continuously all throughout my sobriety/recovery (23 years come this June with no slips or relapses); alcohol is, and has been, a non-issue for me, and I don't believe in creating issues where none exist...........but then that's just me............. (o:
So, North, all I can tell you is that it's all up to you......
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Sorry Noelle I'm a little confused here and i just want to get some clarification here for the poster.
I detached myself from all my 'friends' who would drink and i would hang around with, now this is a significant number of people. Are you saying that was up to me, i had a choice, as i was led to believe that this was a good move towards sobriety? Would it be ok to hand round the old bars with a diet coke? I'm pretty sure you would not tell me that was ok?
I think you are just commenting on the alcohol in the house thing but his wife is offering him a drink at every meal, i'm not saying that he should leave his wife, but do you not think it prudent for his house to be a no booze zone in this case?
Just my thoughts, i'm not picking a fight here;-)
I detached myself from all my 'friends' who would drink and i would hang around with, now this is a significant number of people. Are you saying that was up to me, i had a choice, as i was led to believe that this was a good move towards sobriety? Would it be ok to hand round the old bars with a diet coke? I'm pretty sure you would not tell me that was ok?
I think you are just commenting on the alcohol in the house thing but his wife is offering him a drink at every meal, i'm not saying that he should leave his wife, but do you not think it prudent for his house to be a no booze zone in this case?
Just my thoughts, i'm not picking a fight here;-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Overseas... on the shore of an uncharted desert isle.
Posts: 254
Thanks for all the support and advice on this thread!
Mark,
You guessed right. I made the 'bet' after I stopped drinking but before I took my sobriety seriously with my first AA meeting. And, it was my decision to stop drinking - my wife never objected to my drinking ... just the occasional night 1-2 times a month I would come home at 3 or 4 am.
She thinks it is absolutely wonderful I have been around more for the family but it's only been one and a half months - which means about 2 - 3 one-nighters that did not happen. She does not understand that it's by cutting out all my drinking that I have been able to achieve this. In her book, she thinks that it is over-kill and that all I need to have done was to cut out some of my drinking. If my problem was getting over-loaded every single time I drank, the pattern would have been easier to understand. My case was more like Russian Roulette - every 4th or 5th time would result in a one-nighter.
As I haven't fully explained AA or alcoholism for that matter, her understanding of alcoholism is in the Stone Ages where an alcoholic is the homeless guy on the street - not the guy in a suit with a job. To be fair, I held some of the same prejudices even before my first AA meeting - it was ignorance of the condition plus my own strong sense of denial.
north
Mark,
You guessed right. I made the 'bet' after I stopped drinking but before I took my sobriety seriously with my first AA meeting. And, it was my decision to stop drinking - my wife never objected to my drinking ... just the occasional night 1-2 times a month I would come home at 3 or 4 am.
She thinks it is absolutely wonderful I have been around more for the family but it's only been one and a half months - which means about 2 - 3 one-nighters that did not happen. She does not understand that it's by cutting out all my drinking that I have been able to achieve this. In her book, she thinks that it is over-kill and that all I need to have done was to cut out some of my drinking. If my problem was getting over-loaded every single time I drank, the pattern would have been easier to understand. My case was more like Russian Roulette - every 4th or 5th time would result in a one-nighter.
As I haven't fully explained AA or alcoholism for that matter, her understanding of alcoholism is in the Stone Ages where an alcoholic is the homeless guy on the street - not the guy in a suit with a job. To be fair, I held some of the same prejudices even before my first AA meeting - it was ignorance of the condition plus my own strong sense of denial.
north
Glad you doing so well and wishing you the best mate:-)
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Well, I never kept much alcohol at home - that's because I always drank it all! 
The concept of having a bar at home is just beyond me - death sentence.
When I go grocery shopping, I automatically steer clear of the booze aisles. I do keep rubbing alcohol in the house, but I choose alcohol-free mouthwash - matter of taste!
Having said all that, if a guest drops by carrying alcohol, I'll allow it, then promptly dump whatever is left over as soon as they're out the door.
The concept of having a bar at home is just beyond me - death sentence.When I go grocery shopping, I automatically steer clear of the booze aisles. I do keep rubbing alcohol in the house, but I choose alcohol-free mouthwash - matter of taste!
Having said all that, if a guest drops by carrying alcohol, I'll allow it, then promptly dump whatever is left over as soon as they're out the door.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
North
Thanx for posting back...
While we are going through intense, fundamental changes in our perception of the universe and our place in it, we can't lose sight of the effect of these changes on our spouses. In the case of the spouse whose partner has a very low bottom and has taken the family with him or her... that spouse would probably do nearly anything for the alcoholic to begin recovery, if the relationship is, in fact, salvageable. Losing a drinking buddy or removing all the alcohol from the house would be a small, almost token, price to pay.
But what of the spouses who either don't see the problem for the magnitude it is, because of denial or in the case of a very high functioning alcoholic? Or a family system that functions reasonably well with the active alcoholic, which I think was the case with me for years, up until the very end...
IMHO, the changes that take place... removing all alcohol from the house, not having that evening drink together in front of the fireplace, no wine with dinner, all those meetings (!!)... are much more difficult for the non alcoholic spouse when the non alcoholic spouse neither understands alcoholism or isn't sure their spouse is one. IMHO, we as recovering alcoholics need to understand that. We as recovering alcoholics should expect that those changes that need to made for our recovery should in fact be made, just remember that our spouses may not buy completely into it, initially... It is our responsibility to make our needs known...
OK, I'll put away the soapbox...
Hey... Good Luck, I think you are gonna do fine with her!
Mark
Thanx for posting back...
While we are going through intense, fundamental changes in our perception of the universe and our place in it, we can't lose sight of the effect of these changes on our spouses. In the case of the spouse whose partner has a very low bottom and has taken the family with him or her... that spouse would probably do nearly anything for the alcoholic to begin recovery, if the relationship is, in fact, salvageable. Losing a drinking buddy or removing all the alcohol from the house would be a small, almost token, price to pay.
But what of the spouses who either don't see the problem for the magnitude it is, because of denial or in the case of a very high functioning alcoholic? Or a family system that functions reasonably well with the active alcoholic, which I think was the case with me for years, up until the very end...
IMHO, the changes that take place... removing all alcohol from the house, not having that evening drink together in front of the fireplace, no wine with dinner, all those meetings (!!)... are much more difficult for the non alcoholic spouse when the non alcoholic spouse neither understands alcoholism or isn't sure their spouse is one. IMHO, we as recovering alcoholics need to understand that. We as recovering alcoholics should expect that those changes that need to made for our recovery should in fact be made, just remember that our spouses may not buy completely into it, initially... It is our responsibility to make our needs known...
OK, I'll put away the soapbox...
Hey... Good Luck, I think you are gonna do fine with her!
Mark
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