Aysha

I know alot of you are tired of hearing me complain.
Complaining about me not getting the treatment I wanted.
Complaining about how my life is completely upside down.
Complaining about how I cant shake this depression.
Just complaining in general.
But with my complaining there was alot of action on ym part. Or so I thought.
And I am feeling that alot of people are saying "suck it up and get over it."
That goes for people in ym life as well.
My grams. My family.
Like its that easy to just let go. And ususally it is for me. And I dont know why its so hard for me not to this time.
I always bounce back fairly fast.
But this time I feel like I am stuck in a pit of sadness and I dont know how to get out.
I have been sick as a dog for the past 3 days. Couldnt get any medicine until yesterday because we have no money. I dont feel like I am dieing today. I can actually breathe without coughing my brains out. My ribs and stomach are sore from coughing so much.
I missed my IOP appt because I was sick. Now I have to wait until Mon for someone to call em back to schedule another appt.
And they are scheduling a month out. I only got one so fast because the therapist at the mental health pushed for it.
am hit with the I have to find a job obsession again. I hate sitting around. I hate not having any income. I cant even get well enough to even go apply anywhere.
I am being haunted in my dreams all night, everyday about how I just didnt show up or call to my last job. Its really driving me crazy. Iw ant to call and apoloize to her so bad. But am too ashamed to do it. I could have very well saved my job had I acted sooner.
My grams brother is back in the hospital for the 5th or 6th time in tha past few months. He doesnt have very long left. My gram wants to go to TX to see him before he passes. But we dont have the money right now. If I was working she could do it.
Grams Gyno calls yesterday and says she has to go see a specialist because her pap came back very bad. My aunt is thinking hysterectomy. But then we really dont know. Could be cancer. Could be anything.
I am so far in this funk I cant snap out of it. As much as I want to. As much as I need to. I just cant do it. I just want to give up.
I dont know what the heck is wrong with me. Its easy for people to say suck it up and let it go. I would even say the same thing. But its not that easy this time. I dont know why and thats what is making it harder. Not knowing why.
Its like it all comes crashing down at once with me. I never get a little grief at a time. Its always a bunch of things at once.
I just dont know what else to do except talk about it. I know I need to take action. And thats what I want too. But I cant bring myself out of the sadness long enough to even feel motivated enough to do anything.
This is not me. This sadness and wallowing in my sorrow. WTF is goin on with me?
I dont expect any answers here. I just need to talk.
I dont need to hear get over it either. I already know I need to get over it. But I cant. All I need right now is a friend. Someone to say they understand and that eventually I will come out of this.
Be thankful and let it go is somehting I already know and dont need said to me anymore. It is not that easy right now.
Thx for listening.

suki44883

((((chiy))))

Horselover

It is a lot for you to carry Trish. I am sorry you are going through all this. I am your friend and it will get better. It must!! Love you.

TryingSoHard

I understand, Trish. I have felt that way before many times and I know how hard it is to try to pull yourself out of that funk. Don't be too hard on yourself. You won't feel this way forever, even though it feels like it right now.

Hang in there.

TryingSoHard

p.s. I hope your grams is ok.

Fubarcdn

I am sending out good vibes to you Chiy.
I am also listening and feeling your pain.

serenityqueen

Trish, I'm not going to tell you to suck it up, but I do want you to remember that these feelings of depression will pass, Hon. I am going through a lot too right now and sometimes I just sit down and cry my eyes out. I know I can't hold these feelings in, I did that all of my life to the point of when the straw came along that broke the camels back, things got very ugly. But at the same time, we can't sit in these feelings and stew. This is going to sound silly as hell, but I actually set a timer for 15 minutes a day and let myself have a good cry. But when that timer goes off, I tell myself that I have let it out, now it's time to pick my happy a$$ up, brush myself off, count my Blessings and move on.

With all the pain I'm having in my back, hip and legs (probablly have 3 ruptured discs that I am having MRI's for on Wednesday) I'm lucky if I sleep for an hour an half straight without waking up in horrible pain. Last night, I went to bed about 11:30 and woke up a little after 3:00 am. I was so happy! I actually slept for a little over 3 hours straight! And it wasn't the pain that woke me up. There was an overwhelming smell of cat crap in my room and I figured Tabs took a dump and didn't cover it. Well, he had an attack of diarrhea all over my bed and in several places on the floor. I stepped in it while I was trying to turn the light on. I had to end up stripping my entire bed at 3:15 in the morning and clean up all the areas on the carpet. By the time I was putting fresh sheets on the bed, I just broke down, feeling exactly like you do, thinking that when it rains it pours.

I am really scared after the phone call I got from my doctor on Monday about my latest labs coming back showing I have protein in my urine and my liver enzymes are up. These things are more than likely due to some of my meds that I take, which are some potent stuff. If so, I will have to go off of them and my RA will begin to go crazy, worse that it is now. The meds basically hold the disease at bay. The same thing happened to my Mom and when she had to go off the meds, her RA went out of control very quick like. I know we aren't supposed to think ahead, but in a situation like this, I can't help but to think about it.

I apologize, I didn't mean to hi jack your thread, I guess I just needed to talk too. After all, isn't that what SR is all about? Sharing what's on our minds and asking for feedback from those who are in similar situations and care about us?

I have to keep telling myself that This too Shall Pass. . . if not, I would be so overwhelmed that using is something that may enter my mind if I'm not careful.

Everything is going to be ok, for both of us, but I sure wish things would hurry up and get over with!

Hugs and Prayers,
Judy

flutter

I wont tell you to 'get over it', cuz... well.. life isn't that simple, and to me, that statement is a pure write off.

I will send you some virtual hugs and good thoughts, you know you can always PM me if you want to talk 1:1 hun...

*hugs*

Believe808

Chiynita

I will say prayers that you get through this. Remember you are not alone even though you may feel like you are. Try to keep your chin up I'm sure this will pass and you will smile again. I wish I could reach out and hug you.

Anna

Trish,

I am going to be honest.

I think it's so hard this time, because it's been going on for so long.

I think addiction is exhausting you and destroying you. I think the longer you allow it to go on as it is, the harder it will be for you to stop.

I know you've had a rough time and you've had obstacles put in your path. But, even though rehab and IOP would be helpful for you, they are not necessary for you to get your life together. You have the power inside you to do that and I hope you use it.

Trish, believe you can do this!

Aysha

You didnt hi jack anyhting.
It tells me that I am not alone. And for that as sick as it may sound. I am glad. Not for the grief but that I am not alone.
I know there are others worse off than me. I got it easy compared to most. I am not living their lives tho. I am living mine.
And mine has been so much worse than it is now. And I never let those times keep me down like this is now.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that before when it was worse and didnt bither me as much. Because I didnt care then. I had drugs to turn to. I did whatever I wanted and didnt have to play by the rules.
Its not like that now. I do care. I have to play by the rules or I dont stand a chance.
This whole beign aware of your addiciton thing is very overwhelming.
It was alot easier when it was an "if I do or if I dont" kinda thing. Its a whole new game when its all or nothing.
It seems so crucial now. Like my whole being is riding on it.
Its alot of pressure.
The stress I have been under lately has been taking its toll on me not only mentally. But emotionally and even physically. I never get sick. My face is a mess form breaking out. I even had sores on tongue from stressing so much.
I know it will pass. But the big question is when.
I want to say when my stupid ass stops feeling sorry for myself. ut I dont think I am feeling sorrry for myself. I am just in this stuck feeling. I amtrying to pull out of this. And I get that glimmer of motivation. But it doesnt last long.
I am not use to being like this. Anyoen who has seen me relapse the many times since I have been here knows that I dont usually stay down this long.
I just dont get it.

Freedom1990

Honestly, sometimes when people tell me to just get over it, I want to kick them in the shins!!!!!

:ghug :ghug :ghug

Impurrfect

((Trish)) - when I relapsed, I got sick as a dog. I had bronchitis, and thought I was going to cough up a lung. I stayed in the bed for days, catching up on sleep, from not sleeping for 8 days, and coughing. I was about as "down" as you could get.

I did call my boss, and was told that I couldn't work in that particular restaurant, but could work in the chain. I was too embarassed to go to another restaurant. So, I tried just working with dad. THAT was a lesson in humility, as he was still pretty ticked at me for the relapse. I also realized that this was just not going to work...I couldn't make enough money, and wouldn't get paid until the next month.

It took me 3 weeks to get the courage (and be desperate enough) to go to the other restaurant and ask for a job. The general manager told me what all he had heard from my old manager..some of it the truth, some of it not. I was SURE I wasn't going to get the job, and was about ready to jump off a bridge. This was the ONLY job I had, waiting tables, and without a reference from them, it was going to be really hard to get another job.

I went home, totally in despair. Two hours later, my buddy, who is a manager, at this restaurant, called me and told me to come to work. He also told me he was disappointed in me, but he was giving me a second chance and that "if you let me down, I will never trust anyone again".

So, I'm not trying to hijack your thread, either, but just want you to know, I went through a lot of the same feelings you're going through. I didn't just "bounce back". I certainly didn't have the worries you have with grams and grams's brother.

I am sending you and grams lots and lots of hugs and prayers. I wish I could do more. I'm NOT tired of you posting...in fact, I'm very glad that you come here and post, no matter what is going on with you. It's when I DON'T hear from you, that I worry.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Bamboozle

This is what depression is like for me. It's not about "feeling sorry for one's self". Depression is feeling pain...being hurt...and trying one's best to think a way to happiness and failing every time...only to remain in a dark place.

It sucks.

stone

Hi Trish, I think it is like Anna said, it has been going on for so long something is bound to give. You can't keep doing what you do and expect to bounce back each time.
It WILL pass, take small steps so things don't seem so over-whelming. One foot in front of the other time.

CoDieNOmore

I think we all have very hard times in our lives. Last year was one of the hardest year ever. The day I found out my melanoma moved to some of my lymph nodes, my father had a heart attack and died 4 days later.... And that is not all that I was going through...
I went to a deep dark place in my depression. And I'm still digging my way out... But it is getting better. The key for me is forcing myself to put on foot in front of the other. When I did nothing..... it got much worse...... I will tell you this...., My pain has really motivaded (sp) me to ask for help and to do what others are telling me worked for them.

Be Well

Dee74

Some good advice here Chiy so just...(((Trish)))

D

least

:ghug3 When I don't know what to say, or it's been said already, this is the best I can give!:ghug3

Toomutch

((((Trish))))
((((Judy))))

SlvrMag

****{Chiynita}}}