Bamboozle

I relapsed a couple of weeks ago.




I do not think that relapsing indicates a lack of character. I do not think that people who relapse are merely “making excuses to drink”. I think that addiction is much more complicated.

I acknowledge that I have been self-medicating. I’ve had anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. The depression came later and well before the drinking. I am currently seeking professional help for my mental illnesses.

I am a sensitive person. I think that there are not enough sensitive people in this world. I absolutely refuse to believe that my sensitivity is a character flaw.

This post is a flag for those who feel and think in similar ways. I don’t want you to feel alone. I don’t want you to feel guilty or ashamed. Please know that there are others who think and feel the way that you do--and know that you never have to defend your position with me.

I am a big believer in cause and effect. I don’t have any patience for impossible lofty ideals. My reality is harsh. My reality is undesirable. Despite this, I have a strong desire to overcome and live a positive life free of substance abuse.

Having and acknowledging substance abuse problems is not about making excuses. It’s about reality-about identify issues and taking action to overcome. Acknowledging reality is not a short coming, nor is acknowledging reality a free pass to any and all behavior.

I am proposing a realistic attempt to achieve a more positive way of living. I think that being honest is essential to this end.

I think professional help is very important and oftentimes necessary for those who suffer from substance abuse. There is no shame in seeking help. We are social beings and we need other people in order to survive well. Do what you need to do in order to be well. Seek out help. It is hard to tell a perfect stranger everything. I’m lucky…I have a therapist who is non-judgmental and extremely easy to talk to. Don’t give up and be a stalwart advocate for your well-being. I’m sending out big hugs to those who are struggling and suffering with this concern.

Get out the raw emotions. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is to healing.

I want this thread to be a SAFE ZONE. If anyone here disagrees with what I have to say, please be courteous enough to start a new thread. Arguing a point just to prove you’re right doesn’t help anyone. Thank you.

P.S.--To those who care and to those who PM'd me, thank you. I'm crying right now. I love you peeps. It's nothing personal...I've had a rough couple of weeks...as several people have had lately. I don't know how much I'll be on here. On the whole I love this community--I want this to work for me. Most of my experiences here have been good, but right now I'm having a really hard time dealing with the psychological/emotional aspects of my life. It's very difficult. I hope I can overcome.

Keep up the good fight. I'm trying as best as I can myself.

least

I"m sending you lots of hugs.:ghug3 I suffer from depression and anxiety myself, have for a long time, so I understand your feelings very well. Sometimes I think of all the times I relapsed last year. I think I was punishing myself for my inadequacies, like I didn't deserve to wake up feeling good about myself. Or maybe just that I didn't deserve to wake up feeling good.

I've been struggling lately. Wanting to throw it all away and just get numb cause I can't stand my feelings. Every day is a struggle not to give in to those self destructive impulses. We can do this together. And taking this journey together makes it less lonely.

I'm glad to know you and glad to be your friend.:ghug3

CarolD

Good to know you are seeking professional assistance.
Mega

We can and do recover....

allport

Bam it is so good to see you posting again, I have missed you

Bamboozle

I've missed all of you positive people, too. A lot.

I had to disappear for a while.

Mattcake

This cannot be emphasized enough! Stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop dissecting! IMHO drugs are a buffer. Feelings are natural and healthy. Yes, sometimes they are irrational, etc. But give them a chance.

Welcome back, Bam! :ghug3

bugsworth

Welcome back Bam!

Dime

Hi Bam,
Glad you are here! Addictions are very powerful and it is important not to beat ourselves up over what happened in the past. What matters is what we do for the rest of today. Serenity prayer kind of says it all. Be nice to yourself!!

Tazman53

Glad you are back bamboozle, you know in reality the reason behind relapse is due to the simple fact we are alcoholics/addicts...... sadly it is what we do.

I have been very fortunant that I have not relapsed since I got into AA, I have learned from others what led to their relapse which has allowed me to see within myself when I am taking or not taking actions that could lead me to relapse and to do something about it before it happens.

The important thing is as you have pointed out that we learn from our mistakes & by sharing our mistakes with others we help them as well. I have learned from you and others that when I am struggling with something to not try and handle it all by myself, but instead to reach out for help from others!

I have learned here and in the rooms that if I have a problem with depression to seek help from a therapist and to work on myself through the steps and the like. If I am having financial issues I reach out for help from those who know finances, health issues I see a doctor....etc., etc.

I concur whole heartedly, being sensitive is not a charater flaw, it shows that one is human and cares, I am very sensative about a lot of things, but I have come to learn to not be real sensative about what other people think of me or what I think they think about me, I can not change other people or what they think of me, I can only change me, which changes how I view myself and sometimes how others view me, but it may not, and I need to simply accept that just because I change does not mean how some one else views me may change.

That has helped me a lot, seeking the positive and not the negative and being as honest with myself & others as possible has led to me being far more comfortable with myself & others.

Jomey

Hey Bam - Glad you are back posting and thanks for sharing by starting this thread. I agree that being sensitive is in no way a character flaw. I am very sensitive too, and I have struggled with anxiety alot throughout my life. I can't count the number of times I promised myself I would stop drinking to self-medicate, only to start drinking again within days. I am glad you are getting help for your anxiety and depression, and I just wanted you to know that the last few weeks have been a very tough time for me physically and emotionally, and guess what? I have had very little anxiety, if any. I am finally, FINALLY, learning how to cope. I am amazed. I never thought I could get here. I thought I was hopeless, and destined to be anxious and self medicating for the rest of my life. If I can get here, so can you! I'll be rootin' for ya! Jomey

Fubarcdn

Welcome back Bam. We all missed you .

coffeenut

Glad you are back, Bam.

flutter

Welcome back Bam

My therapist just dually diagnosed me with "alcohol dependency" and "generalized anxiety". It confused me at first. I was like.. well I just drank too much, lets figure THAT out. Then I thought about how multilayered we all are, I'm a big believer in substance abusing being a symptom of other things going on, and I've talked the talk plenty about that, but still held some type of disconnect in my mind about ME. Ha..

It's so critical to treat the whole person, whether it's through counseling or otherwise, we're onions.. multi dimensional, emotional creatures.. and we just want to feel better.

Thank you for coming back, you were missed!!!

Emimily

Holla!

Eclipse

I had to disappear for awhile too. Its not easy. I am having a tough time too and don't even understand it all. I have a great home, family, etc., but still find a need to drink. I am on day 2 and feel good and having a month a few months ago know how good it is...so I don't understand my brain at all. It just seems like I want to derail everything. If only I could get to that point where I know I don't need it life would be so much better. Wish it wasn't such a struggle all the time.


Just keep thinking about how much better life without it is...I will be praying for you and hope you can put some plugs in for me

stone

Hi Bam.

Yes, and I have had some people lose patience with me...the nerve of one alkie losing patience with another! Like they didn't fall a hundred times too.
One person even had a go at me and then they drank a week later. When I relapsed again they had another go at me!

This is your journey Bam, like my journey is mine. Use all the help you can and never lose hope.

We are all here to help each other.


PS
Sorry for venting on your thread.

Horselover

Glad you returned Bam. I was one that worried about you, but I am glad you checked in. I hope its not temporary and you'll stay and share. I believe what you have to say is VERY important and reaches many. Who knows whose life you may have saved today.

Sara9009

Welcome Back Bam! You have been missed.

BKP

You rock, always have always will we love ya.

Bamboozle

Do you have someone to talk to? I like my therapist. I've only had two sessions so far, but she's extremely easy to talk to. I feel comfortable there. That room is a safe place. I can talk about everything that I need to and I know that I won't be judged.

I have depression and anxiety. I already knew that, but at least it's official.

Feel free to vent away, Eclipse. That's what this thread is for.