Toomutch

We ought to be thankful for some forms of fear. Fear prompts us to check on the kids in their beds when a sound wakes us at night. Fear makes us grab a child who is toddling out into the street. Fear makes us stay awake when our teens are late from returning home at night.

Some forms of fear are healthy and provide protection. But when fear becomes the center of our lives, dictating our action or inaction, it ceases to be helpful and becomes a hindrance to our growth. When we shut ourselves away in our homes, insulation ourselves from the “harm” in the world, we also separate ourselves from interaction in life as well as from the potential good we could accomplish.

In which camp do your fears fall? Does your fear serve you well by protecting you from harm? Or does it hold you back from your God-given potential?

I have not been posting lately for fear of not being welcome here. It has kept me from sharing; it has left me feeling inadequate. I’ve decided that even though “some” SR members give unconstructive criticism, the majority do not.

It is important to me for others to give their honest opinions, someone who will tell us the truth even when we don’t want to hear it.
Honesty is crucial in recovery, if we all tell one another that everything is fine there will be no growth.

I for one am willing to keep it real… I will do so without judgment or unnecessary jabs. I for one don’t want to put so much fear into any of our members that they fear coming back.

Anna

Your post makes me think of Gavin DeBecker's book "The Gift of Fear". It's such an amazing book.

Basically, he talks about how people react to potentially dangerous situations in their lives. He believes we are taught to NOT listen to our gut. In other words, you are walking down the street by yourself, and you see someone approaching you. Your gut tells you something is not right. But, you don't want to embarrass yourself by crossing to the other side of the street, so you continue to walk. Who knows what will happen? I have tried to pay much more attention to that little voice that tells me when I should be afraid.

The other kind of fear/anxiety is not good for us, though many people have to deal with it.

Aysha

The only fear I have right now is losing my family. That and not ever making it.
I have had quite a slap in the face here lately. And I cant say I have taken it well.
I let it stress me out to the pont I am breaking out and feel sick and shaken all the time.
I am taking angry energy and directing it toward the wrong places .
I am second guessing myself and like you, feel I am a little too much for some lately.
But that fear of losing my family is what has me really shook up. I am nothing without them. I am on a fast track to being all alone to stew in my misery.
I never want to reach that point. Because I will be done for real then. I really wont care.
I dont want that.
So I need to take that fear and use it as motivation to get better.

Mariposa18

Suz~ I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes I wonder what am I really so afraid of? Rejection is the first thing that comes to mind but more than that is my fear of being ignored and dismissed. As sad as it sounds it hurts me more to be ignored than to be "yelled at" or "told off". I've also pulled away a lot from SR lately, I don't even feel right opening up on my Class of December thread anymore. Even now as I type this I feel like I shouldn't be doing it. That nobody gives a sh*t what I have to say or what I think anyways, so why bother?

Fear makes me stuck. It makes me feel depressed, angry, and unworthy of anything good.

Toomutch

I guess each of us needs to learn that what we have to say is as equally important as what the other SR members have to say. I think part of it for me is insecurity... I have felt as if people don't like me every since aI was a little girl. Try as I might, I still turn into that scared little girl more often than not at times.

shaun00

nice post toomutch....thankyou.

Fear is a human survival instinct....it keep me from taking unnecessary risks with life in general
Healthy fear helps me to elimnate..real risks

I check the truck every night.......i always put good tyres on the car...i have good smoke alarms...etc ...etc.

When i came to recovery i was full of what i call unfounded fears......fear of people......unable to hold down conversations with people because of it.

Fear of rejection from society because i was a bad person......fear of losing everthing all over again...that feeling.. that a big bottle was gonna chase you down the street and pour itself down your throat..and i have no control to stop it.

Unfounded fear left unchecked will cripple me.

But today is different it has 99% gone......and i believe that god removed them for me......because i asked him to about 8 years ago..

I dont have the "what ifs" anymore......on a daily basis i live in the "now"

I'm not a saint....i have my days....but i have people near to me that work the same program of recovery i do...

And if I'm talking b.s....they tell me straight......with glee sometimes..lol..lol.


thanks for the post.......................trucker

least

I am full of fear and consumed by it. Mostly afraid of myself. But afraid of everything else too. I'm living in the prison I contructed too well.

yeahgr8

I think that instinctual fear is healthy, the rest is just the crap we have taken on board through enviroment and conditioning, stemming anywhere from childhood to the media. The latter sort of fear is completely useless to us and can literally stop us from living our lives to the full.

Toomutch

__________________

Your post was short and to the point, I couldn't agree with you more yeahgr.

shaun00

Umm..crap maybe.....real to me at the time....sure 1000%

Useless yeah........but not born of media or childhood..for me anyhow.

Fear of people is probably down to my withdrawal from society as a whole.

and i withdrew from society because society didnt drink like i did...

When i stopped drinking first time.......i was cripple with fear.

Born out of the lifestyle i lived.

I had to join society again...crippled by it.....i was a frighten little boy and completely f@cked...

Im sober today because i worked damn hard not to go back and die.

And i wanted to at times.......again thats frightening...i really...hand on heart wanted to die..

I respect your post and maybe i red it wrong but i felt aggreived when you called it crap...

Maybe youve had too much of that barcelona sun my friend...

Mariposa18

It may be "useless" but it's real nevertheless, kwim? I agree that it can stop us from living our lives to the fullest but what do you do when it feels impossible to get past what is holding you back?

shaun00

This was my experience....first i was refered for mental health assesment.

then i was referred to a therapist.......worked for a fashion but no real long term improvement.

Then i asked god to remove all fear that was not founded in truth and over a period of time if got better and better.....

im not saying this is for you ....just it worked for me.

This is why i say often.......god....without him i am lost.

trucker

Mariposa18

Thanks Trucker I don't want to turn this into a religious thread but I've often wondered if that's the piece of the puzzle I'm missing. I believe and have faith...maybe not enough? I guess this is a question better suited for a different forum...

Wasn't trying to hijack Suz! Sorry =(

shaun00

my dear mariposa....god is with you always..i wish you peace with all my heart..
Nobody deserves to be burdened with fear.......

CoF1984

My biggest fear I know I need to work on is fear of people, fear of society. For some reason I've been the anti-social type, even before drinking. And to this day I stay locked in one room and have as little to do with people as possible. It's something I'm slowly learning to work on. Going to AA meetings on a regular basis is helping me to be around people and learn not to be afraid of people and be so anti-social. I have a lot of work to do still, but taking baby steps for now until I become more comfortable. Sorry if I'm rambling. This thread got me thinking of my unhealthy fear and helped me to realize to keep working on it until I overcome it.
Wes

yeahgr8

Hang on my post was a statement of fact, it is not open for debate! hehe

You're right of course the fact that objectively the fears are totally unfounded and irrational does not make them feel anymore less real to the person affected.

I had so much more fear when i was drinking, even after just 5 months it has subsided and, to give you an example, i was always scared of going out to lunch with colleagues or for coffees in case my hands shook, they would know i had been drinking the night before, i was worth **** and they would know this etc. I've been going to counselling and she told me to write a list of 10 social things i would be fearful of and rate them from 1-10 in terms of level of fear.

So i had list going from coffee with colleage, lunches and social evening out. Well you can probably guess already, i was totally comfortable in all of them. I've said it before that you can only really start to understand how ****** up your life was BECAUSE of drink after you get sober for a while, the whinging we all did whilst drinking about our problems at the time pales into insignificance when we realise just how big an effect it actually had on our lives.

Fears, do they help us, not most of them so they are useless crap...that is like saying to an active alcoholic that drinking is bad for them so dont drink! I haven't got an answer on how to conquer the fears, maybe it is God..i haven't 'got it' yet but as long as i stay sober and keep searching i know in will!

It's a big change getting sober isn't it and i've already accepted, for me, there will never be a day when i sit there and think right 'im sorted'! I get that bit and i hope all of us get that bit at some point cos without it we will be back drinking at some point...again!

Anyways that's what i'm thinking tonight about stuff and fear;-)

One more quick thing i always get quite a sad feeling when people post and say they have had to stay away from SR for whatever reason and thinking that people won't be interested in what they post. I hope that you both don't act too much on those fears!

Oh and Wes i reckon time will help a lot with what you are going through, i spent the first four months in my bedroom, would dash home from work and lie on my bed watching telly and listening to music whilst on SR. I didn't want to know! Counseling helps too, i didn't and don't expect miracles form it, but it is really helpful to have someone to bounce things off:-)

Too much sun?! cheeky ?!&%/"$ And you can stop your agrieving right now young man! You all bought this long post on yourselves you should have just hit the thanks button;-)

Dee74

I'm thinking lately there's a bit of fear involved round here in keeping it real too.

I'm know I'm not the only one who's deliberated over a post because I expect a negative reaction.

The fact is we're fighting for our lives here - ours and our friends. I'm not going to pull back on my message - if someone doesn't like it, I'll take that on the chin.

It's not about ego - it's about doing whats right and we should all feel free to express ourselves. I don't have to be abusive or rude, I hope I won't make any 'unnecessary jabs', but I will be truthful and honest....and blunt sometimes maybe...I hope my criticism is always valid and, ultimately constructive.

If I'm worried about reactions, or being nice for nice sake, or the fact that someone somewhere used a cuss word, I'm thinking about appearances...and IMO not really focusing on the very real life and death problem of addiction that bought us all here.

I may as well be on Facebook.

I've gone off on a tangent I guess, but thanks for this thread Suzette
D

IO Storm

Fear.

I got sober ..a miraculous experience..in a hotel room. But because of my wreckage,

for months I peeked out of the drapes when someone walked by. Then..I came back

to SR. A new screen name. I was sober..hungry for friends, and I found them.

Hungry to learn..I learned. From all of you. I eventually got the courage to go back

to AA after a break up in a relationship..it was big step, and one by one more fears dropped away.

I reached out and got a sponsor..a huge step! But lately..I have literally been frozen

by fear due to a personal matter..I have shared about it on the Codependency thread.

They can jump up and bite when we least expect..

I have received so much support here that has helped get me through this time.

My point is..I have asked advice many, many times. I have not always liked the

answers..once I came close to ending a friendship. I now know it was my pride and

ego involved. I don't take criticism well! lol I don't think any of us alkies do.

But the amazing love and support has by far outweighed any negativities for me.

However..I have seen sharing get out of hand on threads, too.

And it is sad. This is a recovery forum. First and foremost. Each member who asks

for help deserves to be treated with respect. First and foremost.

But..looking in my backyard..I have let my joking get out of hand..and my anger.

And my "holier than thouness."

Deleted my own posts..and didn't in time, regretted it, and asked a mod to do

it for me.

I am sorry you feel fearful Suzette. Don't let it harm your sobriety!

But..when you read posts..remember..when you ask a question, you will get a lot of answers, from a lot people.

A good rule could be to "take what you need and leave the rest."

And I love and respect a saying one of my friend's here has..

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean!"