tommygnosis

I have no idea how normal people deal with guilt. I can remember almost every thing I've ever done that I knew was wrong and a lot of things that weren't wrong but had unintended consequences. They take up so much room in my brain and I don't know how to purge them. They can be suppressed for short periods of time, but it isn't long before they start to ooze over the edges of the box I packed them in and put away.

It fascinates me that for most people guilt just disappears and they remember the situation only as a learning opportunity. Where did their guilt go? I think I might be the universal guilt landfill. Once people have made ammends, been forgiven, forgiven themselves, confessed, whatever they do, it streams along until my super electro-guilt-magnet turns on and pulls it all in.

Most of the people I've wronged probably don't even remember it. It's not like I'm a serial killer (or am I?). I'm not sure anyone's even aware of most of the things I did when I was younger. I used to want to be Catholic so I could confess and atone. I don't think it'd really be good for me though, I'd probably spend whole days saying Hail Marys and hoping to be molested by a priest.

Maybe the circumstances of my current life are the universe's retribution for those crimes. Maybe I should hope so, my Walmart's fresh out of the absolution, atonement, and redemption combo pack.

snowdog

Interestingly, I went to church this evening and the sermon was on guilt. The priest said there are two types... genuine guilt and false guilt. He states genuine guilt will always call for action- for amends to be made, either directly or indirectly. False guilt is only within ourselves... no amends can be made. His point was, hanging onto guilt prevents us from moving beyond ourselves and being there for others in the present. We are not meant to hang onto guilt.

good luck to you!

Amy08

I think at some point in recovery we come to a place of acceptance and moving on, no? Don't be so hard on yourself! I wish you peace...

Amy

firestorm090

Many times my alcoholic mind has used guilt as a reason to get drunk, to quiet the guilt I've carried for years because of how I treated my exwife, family, friends, coworkers, etc. It's hard to let it all go sometimes, but the truth is, if we can't make direct amends for harm we've caused others, or ourselves, then our best amend is to live today without harming anyone to the best of our ability. It has taken me a long time to learn this, and I still find myself wallowing in guilt sometimes for stuff I did years ago. Part of it may be that we have destructive natures and we hold onto that for some reason.

I agree with Amy, don't be so hard on yourself. Even people who don't drink screw up, it's just part of our human condition. Guilt is worthless, unless it can be used to make a wrong right to the best of our ability.

Theresa

Something I read lately stated that guilt was the state we find ourselves in when we are not doing what we know we need to be doing in life.

I can see this for me, because when I am busy acting on what I can accomplish today, I have less guilt.

Somehow this is related to the feeling of panic: again, I feel this way when I am not working through what I need to be doing.

mikel60

Hey Tommy,

I grew up Catholic and sometimes think thats why I used to be so into self-flagellation. I beat myself nearly to death.

What I've come to realize in sobriety is that nearly all of the things in my past that make me cringe happened when I was in the throes of addiction. I wasn't sane. Now that I've put down the bottle, those things don't happen anymore.

Am I responsible for my former actions? Yes, but I've dealt with that (amends) and now try to focus on making the future better.

I can still get caught up in thinking about the past, but now it doesn't own me like it used to. I've picked up tools and strategies that help me move on. AA and the 12 steps are my path (and some soberrecovery visits). Keep asking questions and I'm sure you'll find yours.

Best wishes,

Mike

least

I also have problems with carrying guilt around forever, dragging the past along with me and always remembering the bad things I've done. One thing helpful for me is my addiction counselor I see once a week. Is counseling an option for you? Many places have counseling/mental health agencies which charge according to your income, so it's affordable. Look into it. Could be very much worth your effort.

:ghug3

yeahgr8

One thing about guilt i have learned in my brief sobriety and trying to take a full honest inventory of myself due to counselling is that I know that most of my guilt is 'false guilt' (not to be confused with snowdog's post), I mean that i felt guilty for things because it is the way i am programmed to feel about certain situations and actions through years of schooling, parenting, enviroment and conditioning. Are your guilty feeling late at night, just before going to sleep or feeling down guilt trips. Or genuinely if i ask you on a really good day, clear and sober, i want you to search your self and tell me 'do you really feel guilty as tommygnosis for that action?'. I am relieved and surprised to find out that no i as yeahgr8 dont feel guilty for that action, i did what i thought i had to do at the time.

Just my opinion, could be i'm just beginning to find out that the real me is pretty much sociopathic

change4penny

Hi Tommy, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 163 days clean. While in rehab, my counseler told me that the main problem she could see me having in my recovery was not being able to let go of the shame and guilt. Boy was she right. Even as a little girl, when I'd done something wrong, the guilt would eat me alive and I'd have to confess to my mom what I'd done before going to bed at night. In my addiction, it was a viscious cycle...the more I'd use, the more guilt I'd feel, the more I used. I'm now working on trying to forgive myself...but remembering all the bad things I did while 'using, also keeps me from ever wanting to go back. It keeps me in check. I'm so thankful not to be that person anymore.
You have to let go of the past so that you can move foward in your recovery.

flutter

Sometimes guilt creeps up on me, I start living in the past and remembering the horrible or embarrassing things I did.. I even sometimes feel guilt for things that *could* have happened (I could have been fired.. but I wasn't, I could have lost my husband, but I didn't, I could have had a DUI, but I didn't.. etc..). There's nothing that can be done now to correct the things I feel guilty or shameful about, besides living my life in such a way to minimize chances of anything bad happening like that again. Remaining sober is huge for this, as every day is pure honesty, good intention, less reckless with everything..etc. Just gotta look ahead, not behind I guess (easier said than done!).

Anna

I also had a horrible time with guilt and shame when I stopped drinking. In fact, it prevented me from stopping, for quite some time.

Someone here, a lady I hugely admire, suggested journalling to me. I really resisted because I didn't want to see the words written down, but out of desparation, I gave it a try. Whenever something would come into my mind, I'd write it out and I kept doing that for most of a year. While I was writing things out, I felt them lifted away from me. It really helped, and in the end I burned the journal.

Another thing that helped me was to be reminded that forgiving didn't mean condoning what I had done. It merely meant accepting things as they were and giving myself the chance to move on.

Be kind to yourself!

change4penny

51anna, I agree. I started a journal right when I got out of rehab. It really helps to look back on some of the entries of when things were new in my recovery, plus it helps to read over my bad days when I was "craving" my but off to see what what triggering me.
On so many levels, journaling is a good idea. I'll probably do it for the rest of my life!

flutter

That's such a good idea, thank you Anna.

mamabin

I think guilt is what kept me drinking at times. But now I know that the guilt uses up too much of my energy. It's bad energy I don't want. And like Anna, I believe that forgiving myself doesn't condone what I did. It's in the past, it's gone. Things still come up once in a while, but I try to push it out of my thoughts. I found that the more time I have between those things and now, the less they hurt.