Amy08

Step 1 tells me that I have lost the power of choice. I can no
longer choose to stop at 1 drink. And I am scared. I want to drink.
Simple as that. I have lived the consequences. When I chose to
drink, I knew what was to follow after my current binge. Pretty soon,
all my binges just morphed into each other and I spent months on one
binge. I may have sugar-coated my usage to my sponsors and anyone
who asked. I am a ugly hardcore,bottom of the gutter
drunk. My nails were not nice and manicured, my hair not clean or
freshly cut. My eyes were permanent red, my face was bloated, I was
fat. On the weekend I was dirty, never changed out of a old oversized
tshirt. I was a pig. Quite often (maybe every 6-8 weeks) I would
have run out of drink (usually on a Sunday) and go into withdrawals.
This usually lasted until Tues/Wednesday. I would drag my butt into
work (had to keep the money coming for drink) I would be scared that
I would be found out. Every morning, I mean EVERY morning, I drank to
function. Every single morning I had a "buzz" going. I HAD TO. I
had a routine; get up, drink a few. Shower. Get ready and keep
drinking. I was an expert in getting just the right amount in me and
then take yet another shower and go into work.

In my last few years I literally scream inside that I CAN'T STOP. I
don't know how. I have not drank since mid May sometime. I have not
drank; I am not drinking. But I still CAN'T stop. I hope at least
one of you guys understands what I mean. Please. I am faking it
until I make it, thats all. I am somewhat a fraud because I still
feel like a drunken pig. My life was horrible, I know the outcome,
but I still want to drink.

I'm just afraid that I'm not going to be successful at this. Now I
know and have read the promises. I want it so badly but maybe it's
just that; a promise. I'm doing everything I can do, I think. I
don't want to WANT to drink, but I can't get there.

I will not drink this afternoon. I promise.

Peace,

Amy

flutter

I want to drink sometimes too, but I want to be sober much more than I desire a drink, that's what helps me make my choice not to every day.

Have you sought out any help? counseling? etc?

And you have stopped, since May, now's the time to learn how to live. Stick around here, you'll find a lot of support and guidance!

Anna

Hi Amy,

Good for you in being sober since May, that's great!

I think I understand what you mean. I was miserable for years before I started drinking, with anxiety/depression. So, for me (and for many) the drinking was a symptom. I had to deal with the underlying issues before I could stay sober. For me, that included taking medication for depression, which I still take. It also meant making changes in my life, learning to say 'No' and feel okay about it, and generally learning to take care of myself.

I would ask you what other changes you have made in your life besides not drinking? Maybe there is something that would help - for example, exercise of some kind, or therapy.

Believe that you can and will feel better and keep posting.

Amy08

Yes, I am in counseling. I started off in May in my 2nd (1st was a few years prior) OPT. My 1st grandson was born 5/1/08 and I vowed that he would not know an active alcoholic grandmother. I believe I was led there by my HP because 3 months later I lost my brother to murder. AND I was sober. He didn't die right away; he was severely beat. S sucker punched him and methodically stomped and kicked his head for several minutes. I was told that S didn't say one word and was seemingly in a trance during this attack. He stayed there until the police arrived and went up to them with his wrists extended...saying " I did it, you're looking for me". This happened at a VA living facility. I remember wiping my brothers nose in the hospital and asking what was wrong with him. He was leaking brain fluid. He was all but brain dead but died w/o me making the decision to remove life support. It was a media circus for a bit; papers, tv, being snuck in and out of court w/o being approached by the media. Then it stopped. I pray it will fly under the radar when the trial starts end of next month.

In the meantime, I am desperately trying to get all the tools I can to cope with upcoming events and rest of my life. I HAVE to be sober and strong. Been in AA since fall. Just got 2 sponsors 'officially' last week. (My homegroup recommends if one has a male sponsor, they have a female co-sponsor.) I just started a step group. Joined a gym. Therapy 2X a month. Medication for depression/anxiety. Volunteer at the VA. Babysit my grandson whenever I can. Keep a sober network of recovering addicts. And pretty much working on my badly neglected health by being honest with doctors and catching up on routine medical care. So I'm doing all the right things,

I apologize for the 'all about me attitude' but I really am trying. One of my homegroup guys I found out last nite lost his battle and ended his life last week. Seems like the whole group is going to the funeral this afternoon but I just don't think I can make it. Kinda through me into a spin here. Hence the post....Thank you.

Peace,
Amy

Anna

Amy, it really sounds like you're doing so much in terms of recovery, it's great.

No need to apologize at all, that's what we're here for and it sounds like you've been through a lot.

CAPTAINZING2000

Praying for you and your family

CarolD

Hello Amy....good to see you here with us again....
I too am an AA recovered Grandmother.

Congratulations on continuing to move forward.....
Prayers of comfort and peace coming your way.

Tazman53

Amy, you are doing what you need to do from what you have said.

Stay HONEST.
Stay Open Minded.
Stay Willing.

I know that feeling of impending doom, of hopelessness, alcohol beat me down to the point where I was at a turning point, I could get honest, open minded, & willing or I could die.

You have done as I did and got a sponsor, once I did that my sponsor and I took the steps, step one was key for me then and it is today as well, because I know that one single drink today may very well get me drunk, and one drunk may lead to my death. Step one is what gave me and continues to give me the ability to stay honest, open minded, & willing. Being honest, open minded, & willing is what got me through the steps.

Those promises do come true, there are many more then just the ones read in the meetings, and they all will come true if we work for them, some slowly and some quickly.

I am the father of 6, all of which knew me as a drunk, I am the grandfather of 8 and only one of those 8 have ever seen me drink and that was at a young age.

Keep doing the next right thing, keep seeing your therapist and being honest with your therapist, keep taking your meds as directed, keep working with your sponsors being honest & open with them.

I can tell you that for me I went from a hopeless slave to alcohol to a free man, free of alcohol & self, thanks to my HP, the fellowship of AA, and the program of AA.

This does not happen over night, I did not sink into the bowels of hell from my drinking overnight, it took time, I did not walk out of hell over night either, that took time and time takes time.

I am not big on journaliing, but I feel it is a great benefit for those in early sobriety, just start keeping a journal, and when you feel you are not getting better go back and read it, you will be amazed.

Amy08

Thank you for that, this gives me hope. I constantly read this site and latch on to the success stories. I've actually learned alot from here. My sponsor calls the 'cravings' euphoric recall. By recognizing them for what they are, playing the tape until the end result (the consequence) and realizing there is an end to them; the cravings have become far and few between.

I am struggling with the 4th step which I just finished. The resentment issue is HUGE. I know I have to get to the 5th step quickly and praying for that soon. My brothers trial begins in a month and I need all the strength I can get. There was a pre trial hearing a while ago and it was the first time I saw this monster. And his parents and family was there. I tell you, I felt such rage and hate I could barely contain myself. I didn't realize I had that much hate in me; it's frightening. But he's sitting there shackled, grinning like a fool to his parents, his parents smiling and waving at him (they're from out of town I guess) I was enraged!! Had they no respect for my brother?? Didn't his parents realize their son knowingly took another life??? At that very moment I realized I hated his parents as much as I hated him....for giving life and 'caring' for that killer. Don't be mistaken, this was not a mistake on his part, he wasn't under any influence, was not defending himself (he ambushed my brother from behind), he took several minutes of beating my brother while he was UNCONSCIOUS. The witness said the only thing he could hear was the impact of S's boot to my brothers skull. And yet they (the parents)were all 'smiling'. The DA said not to worry, that if that happens during the trial, the jurors will not be so amused.

Sorry for the graphic rant. I'm hoping this is not inappropriate; if it is I sincerely apologize. But it does help, perhaps I should start a journal.

Amy

Tazman53

Amy some resentments are damn tough to get through, some of them take years, work on being willing to give up the hate.

Let me put it this way, why let that SOB make a victim out of you as well, the legal system will exact what he deserves, the smile will be removed from his face.

Pray for his parents, they are going to be losing a son, they just do not know it in thier hearts yet. He has made his parents victims as well as your brother, let it go, do not let him make you another victim by having that resentment for what he did reside in your head forever. Your brother I am sure would not want him to have that power over you.