Need some opinions.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Need some opinions.
Ok maybe I bring too much here to you guys. But I just wrote an email to my dad. At first it was just to tell him I was goin gto pay him the rest of his money when I get right. And that I was goin to treatment and all that. But then my fingers just sorta took over and before I knew it. I had this long ass letter. I was crying through the whole thing and didnt even relize it until I was done. There is alot of things I never really say to my dad. Anyway...I am not goin to send it un til I get some input. I am scared to send it. Me and my dad arent close like that. He intimidates me like noone ever has. And I am not trying to push him further away. SO please tell me what you think...THX
Hey..Thx for writing back. That really meant a lot to me. I know you understand dad. Even tho it seems like you dont care. I know you do and have to step back and let me fall. I scared the **** out of Patty and am sure it will take a lot for me to gain her trust back. I really ****** things up this run. I am goin to treatment Monday and then to sober living. Your right. I need to get away from my enabler. As much as I love her. And she does it because she loves me too. She doesn't understand how much more it is hurting me by doing what she does. But at the same time if it wasn't for her being by my side unconditionally. I probably would be long gone. So it is a double standard. I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to get out on my own and make a place in this world all my own. Independantly. I gotta stop leaning and depending on gram and do for myself. Now before its too late.
The alternator went on the van the other day. My friend paid for and fixed it tho. He said it cost $300 for the part and labor. I dont know how true that is. But it is running again. I do intend on paying you the $400 I owe you. I hope you can be patient with me and allow me to get my life together at least a little bit first tho.
I sent a letter to that address a few weeks ago and nothing has come back. I hate that. Not knowing. I sent pics with it too. I even wrote that if it wasn't who I was sending it to that I would appreciate a resoponse of some kind anyway so I know if it is a correct address or not.
I am just sitting home taking it easy getting things in order for my stay away. Doing a lot of thinking. I get lonely here alot. Especially when everyone is gone like they are now. Noone is talking to me. And I dont blame them. I just know I need to stop this ******** now. Its been too long now. I have been this way for almost 14 years now. I am lucky I am not dead, doing some serious jail time and that I still have a family that loves me and hasnt walked away from me.
I really dont know what to say dad. There are times I wish I could talk to you about all this. Because you have been there. You will never know how much I admire you. For where you were and how far you have come. And what you deal with still to this day. I have always wanted to just be close to you. I always think back on one time when we were in Fleischmanns and we were at that park in the middle of town. I dont remember much except walking there. I remember when you lived over here in those apartments and I would stay with you and we would eat cottage cheese. LOL Your a good dad. And it sucks I couldn't have been in your life more. But I guess we have to work with what we are dealt.
I want to make you proud of me. As I do grams. I dont want her dieing never seeing me be more than what I am now. Or have anything happen to you and not being a part of your life. I am willing to put all BS aside with Teresa so that can happen. Its old dumb **** that I need to let go. I dont really hate her. She was always pretty good to me. And made me feel welcome and loved. I just let old things that happened with my mom and what she said and did infect me now. But all that happened so long ago. And maybe I am a little jealous that she has had you all these years and I havent. You were always MY daddy. And I just feel like I lost you is all. And goin through all this rehab **** and them making me dig up old bones doesn't help any. I dont hold too many grudges. But I get tired of them telling me there has to be something wrong with me for me to turn to drugs. But there isnt. I just do it for fun. Out of boredom. There isnt anything in my life that I am running from. And they pick and pick and make me talk about stuff I let go a long time ago.
Anyway. I am goin to shut up now.
I just want you to know that I love you more than anything dad. I am sorry I am like this. But I am ready to do whatever it takes to get better. Not just for all of you. But for myself. Well..Talk to you later.
The alternator went on the van the other day. My friend paid for and fixed it tho. He said it cost $300 for the part and labor. I dont know how true that is. But it is running again. I do intend on paying you the $400 I owe you. I hope you can be patient with me and allow me to get my life together at least a little bit first tho.
I sent a letter to that address a few weeks ago and nothing has come back. I hate that. Not knowing. I sent pics with it too. I even wrote that if it wasn't who I was sending it to that I would appreciate a resoponse of some kind anyway so I know if it is a correct address or not.
I am just sitting home taking it easy getting things in order for my stay away. Doing a lot of thinking. I get lonely here alot. Especially when everyone is gone like they are now. Noone is talking to me. And I dont blame them. I just know I need to stop this ******** now. Its been too long now. I have been this way for almost 14 years now. I am lucky I am not dead, doing some serious jail time and that I still have a family that loves me and hasnt walked away from me.
I really dont know what to say dad. There are times I wish I could talk to you about all this. Because you have been there. You will never know how much I admire you. For where you were and how far you have come. And what you deal with still to this day. I have always wanted to just be close to you. I always think back on one time when we were in Fleischmanns and we were at that park in the middle of town. I dont remember much except walking there. I remember when you lived over here in those apartments and I would stay with you and we would eat cottage cheese. LOL Your a good dad. And it sucks I couldn't have been in your life more. But I guess we have to work with what we are dealt.
I want to make you proud of me. As I do grams. I dont want her dieing never seeing me be more than what I am now. Or have anything happen to you and not being a part of your life. I am willing to put all BS aside with Teresa so that can happen. Its old dumb **** that I need to let go. I dont really hate her. She was always pretty good to me. And made me feel welcome and loved. I just let old things that happened with my mom and what she said and did infect me now. But all that happened so long ago. And maybe I am a little jealous that she has had you all these years and I havent. You were always MY daddy. And I just feel like I lost you is all. And goin through all this rehab **** and them making me dig up old bones doesn't help any. I dont hold too many grudges. But I get tired of them telling me there has to be something wrong with me for me to turn to drugs. But there isnt. I just do it for fun. Out of boredom. There isnt anything in my life that I am running from. And they pick and pick and make me talk about stuff I let go a long time ago.
Anyway. I am goin to shut up now.
I just want you to know that I love you more than anything dad. I am sorry I am like this. But I am ready to do whatever it takes to get better. Not just for all of you. But for myself. Well..Talk to you later.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,344
I was gonna say send it anyway LOL...you obviously feel it, and you want him to hear it 
I wouldn't mind getting a straight to the heart email like this from my daughter - if I had one....
Good job
D
I wouldn't mind getting a straight to the heart email like this from my daughter - if I had one....
Good job
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Chiy,
I think it was good letter. Honest and to the point. I'm glad you sent it, I don't think you'll have any regrets from the sending.
Sometimes we have to dig up the old bones so we can heal them and move on. It's not fun but for me, it was healing. Rehab was hard but so worth it. I was able to make sense of a lot of things so I could put them in a proper place in my mind. For me, those bones are at peace now and don't fester inside me.
Chiy, I'm at peace now. I still have good days and bad days. The bad days don't chew me up like they once did. The good days are more the norm for me. I want you to have that sense of peace too. I know it's possible. You have a clarity of mind right now. Hold onto it.
Thank you for posting. I'm sure you help so many people here.
Much love,
Lenina
I think it was good letter. Honest and to the point. I'm glad you sent it, I don't think you'll have any regrets from the sending.
Sometimes we have to dig up the old bones so we can heal them and move on. It's not fun but for me, it was healing. Rehab was hard but so worth it. I was able to make sense of a lot of things so I could put them in a proper place in my mind. For me, those bones are at peace now and don't fester inside me.
Chiy, I'm at peace now. I still have good days and bad days. The bad days don't chew me up like they once did. The good days are more the norm for me. I want you to have that sense of peace too. I know it's possible. You have a clarity of mind right now. Hold onto it.
Thank you for posting. I'm sure you help so many people here.
Much love,
Lenina
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
