least

I'm having a hard time lately. Too much stress to handle and feel like I'm coming unglued. Though I know in my head that beating myself up is not good for me, I still feel consumed with regret and shame for my past actions and inactions and bad choices.

I was so happy I had over six months sober, only to throw it away for one night of being numb and waking up the next morning feeling like sh!t. I can't get past my feelings of regret, and my small number of sober days now feels like a slap in my face each morning, compared with how well I was doing.

I'm seeing a counselor once a week and will be starting biofeedback today to help me learn to 'destress'. But even with counting my blessings each day I STILL feel ashamed and full of regret.

I don't expect any solutions to my feelings or my self sabotage, but just had to vent this morning. Thanks for hearing me.:ghug

mac911

You are right, don't beat yourself up.

Fix what you can, forget what you can't.

AlkalikeH

Hi Least,

Just posting to send you some strength.

You should not be so hard on yourself. There are days that counting the blessings just won´t work, you might need to work through the pain and the stress and you know that the bottle just adds weight to all that.

I am not really familiar with the "counting system" i mean, if you were sober six month and you had one hard drinking night, i guess what counts is that you immediately went back on being sober, otherwise you wouldn´t be here posting.

I know is hard, i am having a hard morning myself, not feeling like doing anything else than trying to work through my feelings and see a little light on all of this. What has been killing me is that i cannot concentrate well - to tell you the truth, when i was drunk i could read any Doestoevsky overnight - so that is a bitch to me and i aint going back to the drink for that and all the amount of stuff going on right now on my life....

Thanks for sharing and all the best!

Fubarcdn

Try to take your mind off of these negative feelings.
It is your addictive coice talking to you.
Do something else but think. Exercise, go for a walk, clean the place, read a good book, anything.
Personally, I don't think the # of days things is anything to obsess over. Use it in a positive way only.

coffeenut

Regret is a hard one, Least. I struggle with it sometimes, too. The only thing that makes me get through it is to say that I'm doing better now....I'm moving in a positive direction, rather than a self destructive one.

Please know, your relapse, while horrific for you, has helped many, many people.....myself included. All is NOT lost. Sometimes a kick in the butt, really IS a step forward.

You are STILL an inspiration, Least. Maybe more so, now.

parentrecovers

flutter

Hey hun.. the way I see it, it's not about numbers, or days added up sober.. granted, living a life of sobriety will achieve high 'number of days' naturally, but it's really about moving forward, living for THIS moment. Most of us here regret a LOT of things that happened in our past, I being one of them. It can consume me if I let it, but really, tomorrow's all we have, and that's not even guaranteed. Now.. live for now.

Anna

Least,

Try to find some peace knowing that you are doing the best you can do and you are recovering.

Impurrfect

(((Least)))

I know how easy it is to beat ourselves up. Heck, I've got almost 2 years clean, and I can STILL beat myself up, because I'm still dealing with the consequences of my using...and I'm going to be dealing with them for a while.

I've had to tell myself that, though I screwed up (I had about a year clean, when I relapsed), I'm doing the best I can, and that has to be okay. I also put a time limit on my "pity party"..I'll give myself 30 minutes to beat myself up, feel sorry for myself..then, I distract myself, however I can.

I'm glad you're going for the biofeedback. Hang in there, sweetie. You are important to a lot of us, here, and we care.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Iriss

Hi Least,

So you had a slip, but had six month sobriety prior to this... This is still fantastic, you have achieved so much.. You may feel back to square one in your mind, but your body wont, and the all the physical benefits through not drinking for all that time are all still in place and untouched.. Dont be so hard on your self, you have done so well ....x

Eidetic

Regret is the hardest right after it happens. I am very familiar with the feeling of despair that comes when you screw up and you just feel like its never going to get any better. Try to remember that while you may rationally regret what happened, the pain and ickiness you feel about it is going to dissipate. You will feel better! It might not be today or tomorrow, but one day this will not be such an all-comsuming feeling.

What always helps me get through any feeling is stopping myself and asking "Is this really going to matter in 6 months?" Most of the time, it makes me realize that I'm not obsessings/worrying about things that happened 6 months ago, so 6 months from now I'm not going to feel horrible about the things that are bothering me now.

CAPTAINZING2000

Rom. 3:23

Life is an experience to be learned by trials and errors. The older I get, the smarter my grand parents and mother became.


The lessson to belearned is, not be repeating the same thing over again and expecting different results. An electric fence touched once by a farm animal usually stops them from wanting to touch it again.

nickishine

Hello Least!

I really get your post! I, too, suffer from "regrets" in many forms. I do know for me, however, that the more days I put in where I'm not making a drunkin' mess out of my life and hurting another person and/or myself, is the best I can do for today!!!

Today I'm down in the dumps! But I'm aware that drinking will make it a million times worse and I can kiss goodbye the things that life has in store for me today...

Hang in there, Least! You're such a intregal part of our lil community here and we're pulling for you! I like this saying, "SUCCESS IS FAILURE TURNED INSIDE OUT"!

Hugs! :ghug3

AlkalikeH

I wish we all had the ability of learning and not forgetting.

But i guess we, humans, are the dumbest cow of the farm.

Thanks for posting this, it´s a reminder to myself to try to remember, all the time, all the bad.

(aside: strength to everyone here to keep up the good fight)

DeepBlue

Hi Least - sorry that you are being "ghosted" by your temporary relapse. Having read a number of your posts, you always strike me as a very positive and intelligent person. And a strong one two. Don't let the ghost of one mistake haunt what is already becoming a better future. You have had great success in your past sobriety, and I am sure you will have a lot more to come.

If you can, try to live in the moment - not in the past or the future. Step away from those negative thoughts and just view them as separate from yourself and your life as it is now. They will soon fade away, and you will feel less stressed.

db

Mariposa18

Least~ Ever since I joined SR you are one of the people I've looked up to. Now, more than ever, I admire and draw inspiration from you. I understand regret. I did many stupid things while drinking or while trying to quit drinking that haunt me to this day. But we have to learn to forgive ourselves and move forward. If we don't do that, we can't heal, kwim? You know how your Dogs love you no matter what? You can mess up over and over again and they still love you? Try to show yourself that same kind of unconditional love =)

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and I hope you begin to feel better soon~

Lots of Love to you:ghug3

CoF1984

Least, I'm sorry to hear about how upset you are. I hope you can get to feeling better soon. We all care about you and want you to feel good. A song lyric that helps me to get through the times of regret and beating myself up is "No more apologies it's all I can take. No more regret for the choices that I make." And it seems to help me a lot. Remember...the past is done and over with. We all make good choices and bad choices...the best thing we can try our hardest to do is not regret anything, not even the bad choices. The bad is there for a reason...to learn from, to figure out what went wrong and what we did wrong so that we don't do it again. I'll keep you in thought and prayer and hope you can feel better soon. Lots of <3 going out to ya.
Wes

EvanW

Hello least when I logged online and saw your thread I felt I just had to chime in. I've been a long time lurker of SA and started about July/August of 2008. The reason I mention this is because at the time you were one of the posters I came to know about and admire, I think at the time you had a few months of sobriety and I remember thinking that I would follow in your footsteps. I can't recall exact times, but I do remember a lot of your posts were very honest and encouraging to me as a newly sobered individual. However, after a month of holding out (not drugging, drinking) I went back to college and fell back into active using. After about 3 months I had blown my GPA, my finances, and generally progressed back into the hole that I had tried hard over the summer to get out of.

Flash forward to recently. When I learned that you had fallen back into alcohol I was incredibly suprised, a part of me thought that because of the level of confidence and self knowledge about your affliction, that you wouldn't relapse. You seemed genuinely happy to report your sober time and all the improvements your 6 months of sobriety had brought you. So basically I'm here to tell you that I am a week sober and unlike before, attending meetings, and planning to work the steps, get a home group, pray regularly. Least we can do this and kick this horrible affliction, you have a lot of people who are rooting for you to find sobriety again and I think we all have regrets on this board to some extent. YOU CAN DO IT!! You achieved a long time of sobriety and if anything, you helped your health, spirit, and mind with that clean time so it WAS WORTH IT! GL, keep posting friend!

Toomutch

Least, I am sorry that you are hurting so badly and having regrets... I also have regrets at times like the meaningful things I missed out on because drinking was more important at the time. If I let my mind go back, things can get really bad and put me in an awful funk.
Attempt to think about today and only today. Yes you messed up and drank, but you have stopped again and are serious about staying sober. Pat yourself on the back!
Today you are doing a fabulous job staying sober. I remember you stressing this same point so many times for others Least. Remember... “Take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time” if that’s what you need.
Looking back with regret could be a trigger for you. Stay in today to the best of your ability.

gypsytears

Part of recovering is learning from our mistakes and learning to let go. Once you can let go, you'll be making a giant leap forward .