RayRayRay

The sun is shining. It's my day off work. I had a good night's sleep. But I am not having a good day. I'm feeling like I really screwed up this time. I'm now on day 4 since my relapse and am feeling pretty hopeless about where I am now. I decided to post in Newcomers to Recovery as I am realizing that I am a newcomer to recovery...Even though I thought I had all the answers.

I am trying to cheer myself up with little things - Things that I enjoy. I tell myself that its okay to fall as long as I learnt something from it. So what have I learned? Not to trust myself....I've pretty much turned off since I re-recovered. I'm on autopilot. I don't say much to anyone anymore. How could I? I don't have anything worthwhile to say. Everything I said before has been a lie anyway.

I don't have much faith in myself nowadays.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I've posted a few things today that all say the same thing - I'm down. I think maybe I just want to have someone take away the significance of my slip-up....

nickishine

YOU are significant!

You did not lie!

You're an alcoholic!

You can't "un-learn" what you've already learned!

You do have something to share by this experience.... It just may save another person's life one day!

DAY 4.... WAY TO GO!!!!

Bamboozle

Just stick around for as long as you need to and read and post. When you're feeling low...this is when you need to be at SR the most. Continue to reach out.

yeahgr8

Hi there

Well isn't it a good thing that you feel like this? You obviously are very serious about your recovery and fully intend to keep working on it! I think you should be applauded for your tenacity to have fallen over and now are getting back up. In time and if you are learning from this relapse then it will become as much a part of history as all the other days you spent drunk in the past.

I think your post is very unselfish too as it serves as a good reminder for everyone existing and new on this site who are working on their own sobriety to not treat their recovery lightly and to be vigilant about the cunning enemy we are all guarding against.

AlkalikeH

Great that you are back here, man! The biggest lie would be to continue drinking after the relapse. Instead you came back to gain even more strength than before, more power to you!

You might be down, but you are still on your feet - welcome back!

CONGRATS ON YOUR 4th DAY!!

least

AFter struggling and relapsing too many times I finally was able to stay sober for six months. Then in one night, I threw it all away. I'm trying to use my regret as one more reason not to drink. If I beat myself up so badly any more I'll hurt myself too much and just give up.

It isn't easy to stay sober and deal with life without our 'blankie', but it's really worth it.

:ghug3

mamabin

Thank you for posting this. I hate Sundays, especially this time right now.

I needed to read this, so by doing so, you're helping some of us for sure.

sailorjohn

It's done, beyond looking at it and trying to figure out what lead you to the conclusion that it would be a good idea, dwelling on it is pointless.

You are sober today. One of the things that helps me tremendously, when I'm feeling down, maybe even feeling a little sorry for myself, is that I am sober today. A priceless gift.

Jules62

Just wanted to say-you may be on your 4th day today, but don't negate the time you had before this relapse either.We learn things as we go along and I am sure that during the sobertime you had prior to this you gained some knowlege you didn't have before.None of it is wasted.I understand feeling low, but we have to keep moving forward and looking forward-because thats where hope is. Congrats on being sober today!Some days can be really rough I know, but you're doing it and that's something to be proud of too!

Jules

mle-sober

I think you deserve a lot of credit for today, like SailerJohn said.

I have a friend who had a year clean and sober. He went and used and drank and fell down stairs and broke his wrist. He came back to our f2f support group with less than 24 hours clean. The counselor was trying to help him, reminding him about the futility of thinking that he can control things - of the necessity to surrender to recovery. And my friend, the SOB, argued with him. Instead of listening and learning and moving forward, he stayed firmly rooted in his relapse by trying to tell someone else about how much he knew better, about his own unique situation, blah blah blah....

I felt so angry and disappointed in him. I want him to stay clean and sober. I don't want him to die.

You sound just the opposite. You sound desperate. Desperation is an enormous gift because it will take you where you need to go if you let it.

I believe you are going to be okay. This is a horribly difficult time - I don't want to negate that. The early days are hard. But you will take the next right step, and then the next right step, and then the next.... and you will slowly find yourself living day by day into the future and into serenity. Right now, just do the next right thing.

James13

Thanks for letting us know how you feel. You said something very profound here- that you thought you had all the answers before. I think this has something to do with why slip ups happen.

The answers lie in our mistakes, which we will continue to make the rest of our lives. We are human beings- trial and error is what makes us human. This is why we will never have all the answers, because they are to be discovered throughout life, imo.

Live day by day, and be sober day by day. And today you are alive and sober.

Peace to you.

Wolfchild

If your relapse helped you to learn something that could help you, then so be it. Was it necessary for you to receive such a harsh awakening, apparently. What you do with it is up to you.

There are many people who have been trying to live a "bungee jump" recovery in our local fellowship. i struggle with giving them the love and acceptance they deserve as people with a desire to stay clean & sober. i appreciate your sharing what happened to you. It helps me to learn how to be understanding, patient, and kind with someone who needs it the most.

Thank you and God bless your willingness to stay committed to your recovery.

Anna

RayRay,

Remember that our recovery is a journey, and that it's all about learning.

We try to move forward, but it's not always in a straight line. We struggle, but we try to focus on our recovery.

Mariposa18

Ray~ None of us have all the answers, that's why we are here =) You say you don't have much faith in yourself these days, well let us have that faith for you while you get it for yourself.

Stay strong and ask for help. Take any and all steps necessary to continue on your journey~

mamabin

I've been thinking about how we count our days in sobriety. It does help me and keep me from drinking, but I think it makes some feel like more of a failure when they have to start back at day 1. One day of drinking shouldn't override all the time you spent sober. I'm not saying we should take it lightly, but like James said, we're only human, and we make mistakes. Just my opinion.

sfgirl

I think that is one of the most important things. Just because you relapsed doesn't mean one year of recovery is poof, gone. And it seemed like you had something you needed to try for yourself. I understand feeling down and low but you are getting back on the train and that is the important thing and maybe this time with even more resolve. I would just try to remember that even though it might feel new, your relapse did not erase the emotional work of your sober time.

Eidetic

I definitely can relate to being conflicted at how we count our sober days. It's hard to start back at Day 1, and can make you just say 'screw it' and drink again, because you can just start Day 1 tomorrow.

Ray (or anyone else): another way you might want to count sober days; around New Years, I was lamenting to a friend that I just couldn't string together more than a few weeks of continuous sobriety, and he said "count up how many days you've been sober in 2008. isn't that more than how many days you were sober in all of the last few years combined?"

He was right. Slip-ups and relapses do not negate the days that you were sober.

I don't know if that helps anyone, but it has definitely kept me from beating myself up or feeling inferior for having such a low number of days.

RayRayRay

I like that idea. I've been sober for over 2 years with a mistake that lasted a month.

But part of me wants to say that I shouldn't be let off so easy. What I did was screw up and I should be hard on myself so that I don't do it again.

Anna

RayRay,

Recovery is a journey. We move forward, we make mistakes, we fall, but most importantly, we learn. That's why we're here. I think you can find a balance between being too hard on yourself, and letting yourself off too easy. You don't have to go through that again. You have the choice!