AlkalikeH

Ok, i will try to be brief as i want to hear from you girls and boys.

So far today i had 4 of them in the last 12 hours.

1. Last night i could not sleep, at all. Tried ****** movies, tried reading. Even took a benzo to help me out, but did absolutely ****. So what i did, is i started to write a letter to the girl i currently have a crush on. Just for the **** of it, just pretty much giving her some talk and how i felt about our relationship overall. It was just going to be a small one but as i wanted to finish i felt like having a beer due to some thoughts i had about her and it all, so i kept writing. That pretty much did it.

2. She lives like 20 minutes away from me, so i took the car and went to drop it at her house. As i drove, every building and every tree seemed grey, i don´t know why, when i strolled around the city by foot and saw the same scenery (while drunk) i was highly in love, but now, sober and behind the wheel it was all bleak. Reminded me of that last scene on "Days of Wine and Roses"...

(SPOILER AHEAD) when Lee Remick says "you see... the world looks so dirty to me when I'm not drinking.." (END SPOILER?)

And i said to myself "yes indeed" and i was to go drop the letter and go back to my place and go to a bar. No ****! But then i kept driving.. and a few beautiful ships appeared from far away and the water got brighter and the whole scenery opened up and i kept driving... until the willing to live reappeared... dropped the letter and came home.

3. I was checking my stuff here and i got a message from the girl saying that she would be out for the weekend at her mom´s place that is like 5 hours away from here so she won´t be back until who knows when, and that kind of stuff leave me with a lot of anxiety and of course, some room for jealousy and whatnot. I feel like we are growing apart each passing day and she needs to come back to the letter and to talk to me..so the feeling of drinking became extremely physical. I battled it for around a couple of minutes... then i saw my desk a bit filthy and reminded myself of cleaning and how i love the smell of clean furniture. Worked most of the tables and whatnot. Felt great.

4. A girl (an ex fling) calls me and she tells me how much fun was last night while drinking with her friends. I could almost taste the beer in my mouth. But that one was easy, i just skipped the subject and worked.

Well, sorry for the long ass post. What did you do?



PS: I also sorta said: "**** THIS GIRL I AM NOT DRINKING OVER HER!". Sorry!

nickishine

I prayed and called my sponsor. I took another way home to my house so I wouldn't pass by the liquor store. Before I called my sponsor, I started playing the scenario through my head long enough to get me home and pick up the phone.

123bubblegum123

exercised and called a friend to chill at starbucks and people watch

vegibean

Did a lot of talking to myself. Is it worth it? Want to go back to rehab? Want to take the chance you won't be able to quit again? Want to feel sick? Have to tell everyone about it? NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

AlkalikeH

nice one vegibean! love that you can manage the lone ranger attitude!

i have been considering my options (as in AA, etc) but so far so good on my own and with friends

The minute the **** hits the fan, i will not choose the bottle and do something else.

Emily2002

Hmmmm. Been thinking about giving in all day. So... I'm here.

Thanks for asking and for sharing, Alkali!

AlkalikeH

Thank YOU NewLeaf! and go ahead and start a new thread so we can hear about it if you can! SR and i would love you to do so!

Stay strong, it´s a cool day to stay sober!

Fubarcdn

Good job resisting.
Is really has become quite easy for me.
When my alcoholic voice comes a calling I just tell it to take a hike. It may not work for everyone but my AV is a bit of a wuss.

AlkalikeH

Thanks Fub! Great job bullying around your AV!

:ghug3

geoff

Was taking the route I would normally take to the liquor store; that voice started talking, but I reminded myself that I had to study, one drink's never enough, and that I'd end up failing my test the next day.

Hevyn

Alk, I love that you quoted from Days of Wine & Roses.....last time I watched it I was drunk & crying in my beer. Need to watch it again. Anyways, I just told myself how hellish my last binge was and that worked for me, since I thought I was going to die. I reminded myself the days of being able to control my drinking were over, and the "just a few" would turn into a 30-pack, then 24/7 drinking of 100 proof vodka to get even a slight buzz. That's how I ended up. The world looking dirty stuff doesn't last forever, I promise. You just have to get past those feelings and the world can be beautiful again, in a different way. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you.

Theresa

AlkalikeH: I really enjoyed your post: You made clear the way waves of thoughts and cravings appear and how one feels when he experiences them. It helps to see these thoughts in others.

I just realized that I didn't have a craving today, though I had several episodes of really dark, ugly thoughts: they come on quickly, but I am getting better at just observing them and letting them evaporate.

I usually do have a craving in the evening at the end of work, as I walk to my car.

Last night, I stood by my car door, had that craving, and just looked up at the sky, and said,no let's not do this.

dave47

I made sure I was busy as much as possible.
I put in overtime at work and helped the kids with homework and school projects, and
once it hit early evening when I used to want to drink, I read or came on SR.
I found it doesn't take long to get over the cravings, just watch for complacency.

Pyrrhus

I got pissed drunk.

Mariposa18

I made a fresh pot of coffee. I took my time doing it all very slowly and by the time the coffee began to brew the lovely smell made me think of nothing else =) Hey it worked! lol

Eidetic

Well, I'm only a week sober (this time) and this week I have been using food to deal with cravings. Which isn't the best of solutions, but it got me through an unsupervised Friday afternoon at work when all I wanted to do was run out for an "errand" to the liquor store. Sour cream and onion potato chips and a coke. By the time I drove home, I wasn't even thinking about stopping.

So while I don't recommend food as a long term solution, it's a way to get through the first few days. When one voice nags that I'm just going to get fat, I tell myself "Hey, at least I'm not drinking!"

californiapoppy

a great big cup of hot chocolat and a big piece of cake...Please tell me chubby women are beautiful

mamabin

I cried and came here, and you all talked me out of it.

AlkalikeH

Hi Hevyn, thank you for sharing!

Indeed, things can have too many shadows and too many greys, but it can always come back to be a wonderful place. When i watched movies like Days of Wine and Roses and heard things like that, and i was drinking, i was buying into that, being a pessimistic myself, and that brought even more reasons... but it was all bulls**t... i was constantly taking the worst not only from movies, music.. but also from my family and friends to enable myself on drinking heavier and heavier..

And i also feel i am past the "just a few"... that won´t work at sometimes it is hard to admit due to the affair we all had with the bottle.. hard to let go of someone that does so much hard.

Hope you are doing great with your sober self, loved your post!

AlkalikeH

Absolutely lovely post, no words to describe how touching it was for me Theresa.

Is just that, look up in the sky. Search for some beauty and stick to that.

Much love to you and thanks!