Relapse, AA, Cravings, I'm going insane!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Relapse, AA, Cravings, I'm going insane!!!
Alcoholic? I think I have my answer. I'm having a rough time right now really. I'll recap and then go on with what's going on now except for the maddening cravings for alcohol.
Earlier this week I sat in my first AA meeting in years. I kept seeing differences, and rationalizing why I don't have a problem. So I never was arrested, or drank in the morning, or even every day. I said, "Oh I don't have a problem". But when I sat typing this a few days ago (drunk at the time) I realized I had consequences, just not so severe. I even quit my job so I wouldn't get caught drinking/using after a scare. So, I went home and relapsed. Decided to have a drink, I'd water it down, put ice in it. Only fill it to the one piece of ice, then it was two pieces of ice, and so forth and I kept drinking and couldn't stop. And what's ridiculous, I dislike and DESPISE the taste of alcohol, and I still DRANK and couldn't stop! Why do I do this to myself? So, the next meeting I picked up my 24 hour/desire to stop drinking chip. I couldn't do it at the first meeting, because I was planning to drink when I left.
I keep going back and forth on I have a problem, no I don't. Don't matter I missed days of school because I was too sick to go. I honestly don't want to live like this anymore. I nearly hung up on my family because I was in the middle of drinking when they called. I'm having trouble admitting it is a problem. That I have a disease. I would rather people think I was an attention seeking ****--not a drunk, not an addict. I didn't share at the meeting because if you had consumed in 24 hours at previous AA groups, they ask you to refrain from speaking, but not at this one.
Now, the update: I am stressed out, and I want to drink. I have phone numbers to call, but I don't want to call them. Some of the girls who wrote their numbers down are chronic relapsers who barely have 30 days. I went to another meeting where I was invited out to eat after, which is common. Only they like the party. I never did. We were seated next to the bar, and they all talked about alcohol, and almost glorify it, what great stupid things they did when drunk. To smoke, we had to sit at the bar. I couldn't eat, all I could think about was at 6 days sober, how badly I wanted to drink. I kept staring at the alcohol.
On TOP of ALL THIS SH--, I had my wallet stolen at the AA meeting. The girls were like oh someone will turn it in. I'm wanting to drink so badly right now, and it is in the house, and I can't call them. I don't trust them. I am not so naive to think that in a place full of addicts and alcoholics and people who are forced there by court order, that no one is incapable of stealing. I've had a lot of stuff stolen at rehab, to be that naive. This stress is making me want to drink. I'm afraid to call anyone right now.
The woman I wanted to ask to be my sponser is dating someone whose barely a month sober, so I can't ask her. I don't even know who to trust to ask. I want someone who is committed to sobriety and working the steps with me. Maybe I'm being judgemental.
But all I can say is thanks for reading, and I WANT TO DRINK SO BADLY RIGHT NOW. It's in my house.
Earlier this week I sat in my first AA meeting in years. I kept seeing differences, and rationalizing why I don't have a problem. So I never was arrested, or drank in the morning, or even every day. I said, "Oh I don't have a problem". But when I sat typing this a few days ago (drunk at the time) I realized I had consequences, just not so severe. I even quit my job so I wouldn't get caught drinking/using after a scare. So, I went home and relapsed. Decided to have a drink, I'd water it down, put ice in it. Only fill it to the one piece of ice, then it was two pieces of ice, and so forth and I kept drinking and couldn't stop. And what's ridiculous, I dislike and DESPISE the taste of alcohol, and I still DRANK and couldn't stop! Why do I do this to myself? So, the next meeting I picked up my 24 hour/desire to stop drinking chip. I couldn't do it at the first meeting, because I was planning to drink when I left.
I keep going back and forth on I have a problem, no I don't. Don't matter I missed days of school because I was too sick to go. I honestly don't want to live like this anymore. I nearly hung up on my family because I was in the middle of drinking when they called. I'm having trouble admitting it is a problem. That I have a disease. I would rather people think I was an attention seeking ****--not a drunk, not an addict. I didn't share at the meeting because if you had consumed in 24 hours at previous AA groups, they ask you to refrain from speaking, but not at this one.
Now, the update: I am stressed out, and I want to drink. I have phone numbers to call, but I don't want to call them. Some of the girls who wrote their numbers down are chronic relapsers who barely have 30 days. I went to another meeting where I was invited out to eat after, which is common. Only they like the party. I never did. We were seated next to the bar, and they all talked about alcohol, and almost glorify it, what great stupid things they did when drunk. To smoke, we had to sit at the bar. I couldn't eat, all I could think about was at 6 days sober, how badly I wanted to drink. I kept staring at the alcohol.
On TOP of ALL THIS SH--, I had my wallet stolen at the AA meeting. The girls were like oh someone will turn it in. I'm wanting to drink so badly right now, and it is in the house, and I can't call them. I don't trust them. I am not so naive to think that in a place full of addicts and alcoholics and people who are forced there by court order, that no one is incapable of stealing. I've had a lot of stuff stolen at rehab, to be that naive. This stress is making me want to drink. I'm afraid to call anyone right now.
The woman I wanted to ask to be my sponser is dating someone whose barely a month sober, so I can't ask her. I don't even know who to trust to ask. I want someone who is committed to sobriety and working the steps with me. Maybe I'm being judgemental.
But all I can say is thanks for reading, and I WANT TO DRINK SO BADLY RIGHT NOW. It's in my house.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Well I'm just PO'd at how this meeting went down... all the way around for you!!! This is not AA in it's truest form and what a bad taste to leave in your mouth altogether!
They say you can take away the alcohol from the alcoholic.... but you're still left with the "alcoholic"... We are all just a bunch of sick people trying to get well, but COME ON... this experience is a little over the top for sure.
Are there any other mtgs you can go to? The "meeting" after the "meeting" - the party -sounds like it's not in the "right" place to me. Gee Wiz, I don't really know how to respond to this as I'm just a lil taken aback right now and feel ashamed at how AA has presented itself to you after all this time!
Please, please please... see if there's other mtgs you can go to. Other people who have some "time" and have what "you want" in recovery! Don't give up! Don't drink over it! Don't turn your power over to this situation!
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful to you. I am tired and was getting off of here for the night and then saw this thread. I had to respond, although maybe not the best person to post right now!
Please hang in there! YOUR life is more important than anything else!
:ghug3
They say you can take away the alcohol from the alcoholic.... but you're still left with the "alcoholic"... We are all just a bunch of sick people trying to get well, but COME ON... this experience is a little over the top for sure.
Are there any other mtgs you can go to? The "meeting" after the "meeting" - the party -sounds like it's not in the "right" place to me. Gee Wiz, I don't really know how to respond to this as I'm just a lil taken aback right now and feel ashamed at how AA has presented itself to you after all this time!
Please, please please... see if there's other mtgs you can go to. Other people who have some "time" and have what "you want" in recovery! Don't give up! Don't drink over it! Don't turn your power over to this situation!
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful to you. I am tired and was getting off of here for the night and then saw this thread. I had to respond, although maybe not the best person to post right now!
Please hang in there! YOUR life is more important than anything else!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by tortiose 
Alcoholic? I think I have my answer. I'm having a rough time right now really. I'll recap and then go on with what's going on now except for the maddening cravings for alcohol.
Earlier this week I sat in my first AA meeting in years. I kept seeing differences, and rationalizing why I don't have a problem. So I never was arrested, or drank in the morning, or even every day. I said, "Oh I don't have a problem". But when I sat typing this a few days ago (drunk at the time) I realized I had consequences, just not so severe. I even quit my job so I wouldn't get caught drinking/using after a scare. So, I went home and relapsed. Decided to have a drink, I'd water it down, put ice in it. Only fill it to the one piece of ice, then it was two pieces of ice, and so forth and I kept drinking and couldn't stop. And what's ridiculous, I dislike and DESPISE the taste of alcohol, and I still DRANK and couldn't stop! Why do I do this to myself? So, the next meeting I picked up my 24 hour/desire to stop drinking chip. I couldn't do it at the first meeting, because I was planning to drink when I left.
I keep going back and forth on I have a problem, no I don't. Don't matter I missed days of school because I was too sick to go. I honestly don't want to live like this anymore. I nearly hung up on my family because I was in the middle of drinking when they called. I'm having trouble admitting it is a problem. That I have a disease. I would rather people think I was an attention seeking ****--not a drunk, not an addict. I didn't share at the meeting because if you had consumed in 24 hours at previous AA groups, they ask you to refrain from speaking, but not at this one.
Now, the update: I am stressed out, and I want to drink. I have phone numbers to call, but I don't want to call them. Some of the girls who wrote their numbers down are chronic relapsers who barely have 30 days. I went to another meeting where I was invited out to eat after, which is common. Only they like the party. I never did. We were seated next to the bar, and they all talked about alcohol, and almost glorify it, what great stupid things they did when drunk. To smoke, we had to sit at the bar. I couldn't eat, all I could think about was at 6 days sober, how badly I wanted to drink. I kept staring at the alcohol.
On TOP of ALL THIS SH--, I had my wallet stolen at the AA meeting. The girls were like oh someone will turn it in. I'm wanting to drink so badly right now, and it is in the house, and I can't call them. I don't trust them. I am not so naive to think that in a place full of addicts and alcoholics and people who are forced there by court order, that no one is incapable of stealing. I've had a lot of stuff stolen at rehab, to be that naive. This stress is making me want to drink. I'm afraid to call anyone right now.
The woman I wanted to ask to be my sponser is dating someone whose barely a month sober, so I can't ask her. I don't even know who to trust to ask. I want someone who is committed to sobriety and working the steps with me. Maybe I'm being judgemental.
But all I can say is thanks for reading, and I WANT TO DRINK SO BADLY RIGHT NOW. It's in my house.
Earlier this week I sat in my first AA meeting in years. I kept seeing differences, and rationalizing why I don't have a problem. So I never was arrested, or drank in the morning, or even every day. I said, "Oh I don't have a problem". But when I sat typing this a few days ago (drunk at the time) I realized I had consequences, just not so severe. I even quit my job so I wouldn't get caught drinking/using after a scare. So, I went home and relapsed. Decided to have a drink, I'd water it down, put ice in it. Only fill it to the one piece of ice, then it was two pieces of ice, and so forth and I kept drinking and couldn't stop. And what's ridiculous, I dislike and DESPISE the taste of alcohol, and I still DRANK and couldn't stop! Why do I do this to myself? So, the next meeting I picked up my 24 hour/desire to stop drinking chip. I couldn't do it at the first meeting, because I was planning to drink when I left.
I keep going back and forth on I have a problem, no I don't. Don't matter I missed days of school because I was too sick to go. I honestly don't want to live like this anymore. I nearly hung up on my family because I was in the middle of drinking when they called. I'm having trouble admitting it is a problem. That I have a disease. I would rather people think I was an attention seeking ****--not a drunk, not an addict. I didn't share at the meeting because if you had consumed in 24 hours at previous AA groups, they ask you to refrain from speaking, but not at this one.
Now, the update: I am stressed out, and I want to drink. I have phone numbers to call, but I don't want to call them. Some of the girls who wrote their numbers down are chronic relapsers who barely have 30 days. I went to another meeting where I was invited out to eat after, which is common. Only they like the party. I never did. We were seated next to the bar, and they all talked about alcohol, and almost glorify it, what great stupid things they did when drunk. To smoke, we had to sit at the bar. I couldn't eat, all I could think about was at 6 days sober, how badly I wanted to drink. I kept staring at the alcohol.
On TOP of ALL THIS SH--, I had my wallet stolen at the AA meeting. The girls were like oh someone will turn it in. I'm wanting to drink so badly right now, and it is in the house, and I can't call them. I don't trust them. I am not so naive to think that in a place full of addicts and alcoholics and people who are forced there by court order, that no one is incapable of stealing. I've had a lot of stuff stolen at rehab, to be that naive. This stress is making me want to drink. I'm afraid to call anyone right now.
The woman I wanted to ask to be my sponser is dating someone whose barely a month sober, so I can't ask her. I don't even know who to trust to ask. I want someone who is committed to sobriety and working the steps with me. Maybe I'm being judgemental.
But all I can say is thanks for reading, and I WANT TO DRINK SO BADLY RIGHT NOW. It's in my house.
There will be healthy and unhealty people everywhere, so please don't try to judge AA too harshly. Please try to remember that your life comes first. Your decision to drink or not should not be contingent on people in AA who may well not be healthy. There are plenty of people not in AA who are not healthy.
Gosh, I can't offer more than this, other than I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Do not tie your drinking to a bad experience at aa, plus dont compare your terrible experience to aa.
These things happen, take some time to get over it and try again.
I dont like aa but it is really not normally full of thieves, it is normally full of good people.
These things happen, take some time to get over it and try again.
I dont like aa but it is really not normally full of thieves, it is normally full of good people.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I am not so naive to think that in a place full of addicts and alcoholics and people who are forced there by court order, that no one is incapable of stealing.
I'm disappointed that the AA organization in the US allows the justice system to use it this way. It is against the spirit of AA and well, tortoise's post shows why.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Same here in Sweden, there is no fooling around with DUI. If your blood alcohol level is over the legal limit, you go to jail and lose your license for a period of time. You don't get to appear in court!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome tortoise.
Like the others have said if you don't like the AA meeting you are going to find another group.
It is possible to get sober without AA. I use this forum as my support structure and read a lot of books about different methods of recovery in my quest for sobriety.
There is plenty of support here and on line 12 step meetings if you are interested.
Good luck on your journey.
Like the others have said if you don't like the AA meeting you are going to find another group.
It is possible to get sober without AA. I use this forum as my support structure and read a lot of books about different methods of recovery in my quest for sobriety.
There is plenty of support here and on line 12 step meetings if you are interested.
Good luck on your journey.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I agree, try other meetings. And if you have alcohol in the house, dump it down the sink. Get rid of the temptation. You can stay sober, one day at a time. Don't give in to the urge to drink, you will just set yourself back to square one and have to start all over. Stay strong!
:ghug3
:ghug3
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Tortoise,
Wow, thanks for letting us know how you are doing. Come back to SR whenever you feel like this.
I have been around the program for a little while, long nough to know certain "dos" and "don'ts". This is just my take on things.
It seems you have pretty good intuition and know how to recognize certain red flags already. Good idea not pursuing a sponsor who is dating someone only a month sober. That's clearly a red flag, imo.
Try different meetings, and take time paying attention to who has been sober for awhile. This is not a race. You will be able to differentiate who is talking about working the program and who is working the program through their actions. You will be able to tell who is trying to become a better person, and who is just going through the motions.
And you don't have to put yourself in uncomfotable situations, like sitting at a bar. (Why would they do that anyway?) If they are chronic relapsers, their actions can tell you why.
Peace to you and congratulations on your great decision.
Wow, thanks for letting us know how you are doing. Come back to SR whenever you feel like this.
I have been around the program for a little while, long nough to know certain "dos" and "don'ts". This is just my take on things.
It seems you have pretty good intuition and know how to recognize certain red flags already. Good idea not pursuing a sponsor who is dating someone only a month sober. That's clearly a red flag, imo.
Try different meetings, and take time paying attention to who has been sober for awhile. This is not a race. You will be able to differentiate who is talking about working the program and who is working the program through their actions. You will be able to tell who is trying to become a better person, and who is just going through the motions.
And you don't have to put yourself in uncomfotable situations, like sitting at a bar. (Why would they do that anyway?) If they are chronic relapsers, their actions can tell you why.
Peace to you and congratulations on your great decision.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Good morning, Tort
First, just wanna say sorry if I added "fuel to the flames" last night by my post! I should know better than to post when tired and having defensive buttons pushed! I can react quickly and unthinkingly when I want to come to anothers defense.... I can blow it and am sorry if I was part of the problem instead of the solution last night!
What James 13 said, I'm in agreement wholeheartedly! You have a good head sense about you and are noticing things that many don't walking in fresh. They say in AA "Stick with the Winners".... There are a lot in those rooms, and many who have what I want.... and many others, who DON'T! Give time - "time" with checking it out and listening and watching others. Hopefully your next experience will be awesome for you -- I pray so! AA can be an awesome deal for us who choose to participate in that mode of recovery!
All my best to you today! Keep posting so we know how it's goin' for ya, K?
:ghug3
First, just wanna say sorry if I added "fuel to the flames" last night by my post! I should know better than to post when tired and having defensive buttons pushed! I can react quickly and unthinkingly when I want to come to anothers defense.... I can blow it and am sorry if I was part of the problem instead of the solution last night!
What James 13 said, I'm in agreement wholeheartedly! You have a good head sense about you and are noticing things that many don't walking in fresh. They say in AA "Stick with the Winners".... There are a lot in those rooms, and many who have what I want.... and many others, who DON'T! Give time - "time" with checking it out and listening and watching others. Hopefully your next experience will be awesome for you -- I pray so! AA can be an awesome deal for us who choose to participate in that mode of recovery!
All my best to you today! Keep posting so we know how it's goin' for ya, K?
:ghug3
Eclectics Anonymous
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 286
I am so sorry all of that happened to you. That is the last thing you need in early recovery. I couldn't even go to a restaurant that served alcohol for at least a month after I quit drinking. It is seriously unconscionable that anyone would take you there.
I definitely think checking out other AA Meetings is a good idea. From what I hear pretty much every meeting can be different. I really hope you find a meeting and people that you can trust and rely on as you start this great but hard journey.
I definitely think checking out other AA Meetings is a good idea. From what I hear pretty much every meeting can be different. I really hope you find a meeting and people that you can trust and rely on as you start this great but hard journey.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
Tortoise,
I am sorry that you have been having a tough time. I agree with Nickishine, it's great that you are aware of what is going on around you, and that you are able to make decisions based on good sense. I have to admit, in my early days of recovery, I was pretty much in a fog.
All I can say to you is to keep trying to stop drinking and live a sober life. Keep reading and posting here and know that we do care and we do understand.
I am sorry that you have been having a tough time. I agree with Nickishine, it's great that you are aware of what is going on around you, and that you are able to make decisions based on good sense. I have to admit, in my early days of recovery, I was pretty much in a fog.
All I can say to you is to keep trying to stop drinking and live a sober life. Keep reading and posting here and know that we do care and we do understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
This is what i did
Got hold of a counseller who dealt with alcohol issues, went for initial meeting and then referred to psychiatrist to prescribe antabuse which makes you sick if you drink alcohol. Went for 2 sessions a week with counseller. Did this in October 2008 and still going now. Came off antabuse mid Feb 09.
Got hold of a counseller who dealt with alcohol issues, went for initial meeting and then referred to psychiatrist to prescribe antabuse which makes you sick if you drink alcohol. Went for 2 sessions a week with counseller. Did this in October 2008 and still going now. Came off antabuse mid Feb 09.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
I did like the meetings at first, and I think I still do. I'm getting a therapist soon. I find I have problems saying no to "nice" people.
I think I will definitely have to check out some different meetings. There is another that isn't too far away, but where I live far away gets pretty far away, like 20-30 miles. I'm on a student's budget lol, and gas adds up.
I'm not saying everyone in AA is a thief, I think most people are really honest, however I'm being judgemental. But when you're new you've never really can know for sure!
Plus, I am extrondinarly impatient with wanting to get started on the steps with a sponsor. I am tired of living the way I am and am definitely ready for a change this time.
Thank you guys for listening. And yes, my appointment with my doc is coming up and I'll discuss what my options are. Right now, the cravings are minimal, and the alcohol will be out of the house tomorrow morning. I'm giving it to my non-drinking-problem friend.
I think I will definitely have to check out some different meetings. There is another that isn't too far away, but where I live far away gets pretty far away, like 20-30 miles. I'm on a student's budget lol, and gas adds up.
I'm not saying everyone in AA is a thief, I think most people are really honest, however I'm being judgemental. But when you're new you've never really can know for sure!
Plus, I am extrondinarly impatient with wanting to get started on the steps with a sponsor. I am tired of living the way I am and am definitely ready for a change this time.
Thank you guys for listening. And yes, my appointment with my doc is coming up and I'll discuss what my options are. Right now, the cravings are minimal, and the alcohol will be out of the house tomorrow morning. I'm giving it to my non-drinking-problem friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Is there any way to start on maybe the first one or two steps yourself? I mean at least do a few worksheets and contemplate it? Until I get a sponsor and really work through them.
Last edited by tortiose; 02-28-2009 at 02:33 PM. Reason: n/m
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
You are certainly free to do whatever you need to do to stay clean & sober.
i empathize with your desire to begin stepwork. i strongly encourage you to find a sponsor to help you with this though. The benefits from sponsorship are limitless and will help you in ways that you cannot help yourself. Being selective about who is living a strong program is admirable and i am glad to hear that your taking the time to consider who you can begin to trust. Be patient and allow things to happen in God's time. He's very aware of what you need and will always take care of you no matter what you go through.
i empathize with your desire to begin stepwork. i strongly encourage you to find a sponsor to help you with this though. The benefits from sponsorship are limitless and will help you in ways that you cannot help yourself. Being selective about who is living a strong program is admirable and i am glad to hear that your taking the time to consider who you can begin to trust. Be patient and allow things to happen in God's time. He's very aware of what you need and will always take care of you no matter what you go through.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
