four812

I've just played with something i wrote early last year and made it presentable and I want to share it:

What will it take to believe?

By Ksplash5 (early 2008)

I'm at a fork in the road.

I've been hanging here from this gutter for a few years now. Hanging on to my outside life, while living with my inner secret(s). I've tried countless new ideas after each step backwards with no lasting results. And again I'm here perched on the edge of the roof.

What will it take for me to walk through this madness and receive whatever gifts come from it and move to a new life? Do I have to go further down, or can I focus on that tiny spark of belief that I know is there, inside of me, and help it grow.

I have focused on that light before, and then drifted back to the edge until I'm hanging on again with the last knuckle of my last finger. I know how to change…a little.

I've had some moments of clarity in the past; filled with my 8 year old wonder child that have etched a knowing of a wordless wonder at my small glimpse of life. And yet I have not opened these wonderful gifts beyond removing the ribbon from the wrapping.

Now, somehow, I must search to find the way to open my little gifts of eternity. This can only begin at the very first step of simple sobriety. A new sobriety without all my know-it-all-ness. A new sobriety without all my toxic vengeance towards society. A new sobriety that is bounded by the mantras of “keep it simple”, and “stay in today”.

God, whatever you are (or aren't), please help me to do what I can do. If you are out there and can hear my keystroke prayer then please help me find that answer. I need it soon; I'm tired of using again. It seems us human beings usually have to wait for an 'answer', but I think I might be ready. I think I'm beginning to believe. I come to you with all that I am, with all the goodness in my Heart and with all the shame carried by my wake of chaos and I simply say “please help me”. And honestly it is kind've for my own self and my own selfish reasons, but there's also a giving and loving part of me that is asking for this on behalf of the universe. I've been a taker all the way to the center of my bones during nearly every heart beat of my life, but You know there is another part of me. If you were watching you may have seen it yesterday when I stopped my self absorbed rush to do things, and I offered unconditional help to a stranded motorist. I've noticed myself passing up this person so many times during these last 7 years.

I'm tired and am going to rest now, You can talk to me in my sleep. You can talk to me in an e-mail. You can whisper it in my ear. Either way I will try to pay attention and believe.

Iriss

I wish you the peace you are searching x

jsml1234

Well done Ksplash, truely loved that.
Continue to seek Him with all your heart and to give praise for all He's done in your recovery.

coffeenut

This post has hit me right between the eyes. It says absolutley everything....I seriously think it needs to be published somewhere.

Thank you.

Samsonsworld

Psalm 9
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.