rubygurl292

I think my alcohol problem is or will ruin my life. I've known I have an alcohol problem for some time now. The only thing is that I am a binge drinker so its been confusing for me because I don't drink or crave/need alcohol every day. I had a few embarrassing episodes between october-december this part year and finally felt I needed to stop. I've started seeing a counselor and went to a treatment center for help but they wanted me to go to inpatient rehab for 3 weeks and I didnt feel I was at that stage nor did it feel like a possibility because spring semester classes were about to start. I was doing so well....controlling the amounts I consumed and no black outs. My couselor said it was just a matter of time and I need to quit completely. He was right. 2 nights ago my husband and I partied with some friends for a farewell party to one of the guys getting out of the military. I made the responsible decision not to drive drunk which in turn made me believe that it would be ok then to drink to my hearts desire. My husband got drunk and passed out. I stayed up partying and eventually blacked out. The next day we went to breakfast with a few friends and then I spent the remainder of the day recovering in bed. At baout 4pm that afternoon, after a nap, I woke with the feeling that maybe something happened. Like maybe me and one of our friends kissed. I can't pinpoint if it was just a dream during the nap or if I'm actually remembering something. And I really dont remember anything its just a gut feeling I suddenly have. So much so that I was physically ill last night. The thought of it makes me so sick to stomach. That I may have cheated on my husband, that it may have happened with a good friend of ours, that there's a possibility someone else saw if it did happen. I don't want to ask this friend and I don't want to tell my husband unless I'm sure. I love him more than life itself and I could not imagine the hurt it would cause him. I feel like if it did happen I should suffer with the secret and my conscious. I can not believe there is a possiblity I have ruined my marriage and therefore my life. I need help and I really hope it isnt too late. I want to wake up everyday knowing I've done everything in my power to be a good person, wife, friend, etc. I feel like a horrible person....not just for what may have happened but also because I can't control my drinking. I'M RUINING MY LIFE. Or I may have already ruined it. Now I'm just waiting for the day that this nightmare is confirmed and my whole life falls apart. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight at six. I wish I lived in a big city where there was one I could go to now. I honestly feel a little crazy right now alone with my thoughts.

Anna

Oh yes, trying to control my drinking, wasted so much time for me - time when I could have been recovering. But, I was quite determined. Of course, it always failed before very long, and all I could think about was drinking.

It's horrible to not remember what you did, just horrible. The only way to change that is to stop drinking completely, and then it won't happen again. We are here to offer support. I am glad that you are seeking help.

KenL

Just sit tight Ruby. You're not going crazy. You're here and you're sharing with us your concerns. That in itself is a good thing to be doing. This stuff will pass, give it time and some sobriety. Take it a day at a time.

Iriss

Hey Rubygirl, so glad you have found SR, I cannot give you any answers for your dilemma other that to say we all have done thing we care to forget whilst under the influence, and this too will pass... If your are looking for sobriety, you will find so much support here, so stick around and good luck with your meeting. X Take care

ToABetterMe

Oh I can relate to so much of this. When we used to have parties regularly & have people over drinking, I used to hang on people, Ive kissed my cousins husband so many times and another friend! It used to send my husband over the edge! I would never remeber it until pictures would surface. I apparently kissed my cousin (Girl) several times the last time we all partied/danced at a bar & those pictures surfaced on the bands website! I was horrified!! And I looked so hammered!

rubygurl292

Thank you for the encouragement. "breathe in and breathe out"

It's comforting to be able to share the feelings that have been making me nuts for about 24 hours now. I really appreciate it and def needed it today.

Day 2 and counting.

nelco

Rubygurl, I hope you find you find some peace soon and I will say a prayer for you but I just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me today. When I was drinking I often could not remember if things were a dream or real. It drove me crazy. I forgot all about that and when I read your post my heart missed a beat. I am so grateful I am not drinking today and thankful for people like you for sharing. There is a piece in the bb that says we will not regret out past nor wish to shut the door on it. I understand that now because if I ever forget what it was like I might pick up a drink...I never want to forget how bad it can get, thank you for reminding me about something I forgot about and I know I can have it all back if I lift a drink....
I hope you find peace.