drinking "friends"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: michigan
Posts: 109
drinking "friends"
What do you do when your "friends" call? I've been sober only a few days now (again) pretty rough experience and today I finally feel pretty good, just tired, but now I have all my drinking buddies calling and stopping by to try to get me to go out and the temptation is kind of overwhelming. I keep thinking could I just go out and have a couple? (Yeah right). Just wondering how other people handle it other than crawling under a rock and turning into a hermit. I keep hearing, Oh you can just have a couple.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Honestly...I did crawl under a rock...I needed to...I was killing myself. My friends never tell me I can have a few...I told them the truth...alcohol will kill me. Lay it all out on the table if they are your friends they will not encourage you to drink.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I take it your drinking buddies know you are trying to quit when you stated they say oh you can have a couple. It is sad that they can't be more supportive .
Try to think of different things you can do with them that don't involve drinking and initiate the action instead. Something like snowmobiling, skiing, movies, or whatever else you are interested in. Nobody wants to lose their friends.
Try to think of different things you can do with them that don't involve drinking and initiate the action instead. Something like snowmobiling, skiing, movies, or whatever else you are interested in. Nobody wants to lose their friends.
A new dawn and new chapter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Posts: 298
Well you know better then the rest of us that there is no such thing as the "oh just a couple and that's all" Even if you can fool your self into drinking just a couple and go home afterwards, you're still setting your self up for a fall.
Myself I did the live under a rock approach till I had some solid sober time before talking to anyone about me not drinking. And honestly no one really seem to care but me. It's not like they're going to show up with a mob armed with rope, pitchforks and torches saying "GET THE NON DRINKER!!" And if they do, well, board up the windows and load the riffles and find some new friends!
But if you don't feel like telling them just say you're going to be busy or you have to be up early in the morning the next day until you feel comfortable telling them that. Most shouldn't care and if they try to undermine and tempt you to drink then they're probably not really friends.
Myself I did the live under a rock approach till I had some solid sober time before talking to anyone about me not drinking. And honestly no one really seem to care but me. It's not like they're going to show up with a mob armed with rope, pitchforks and torches saying "GET THE NON DRINKER!!" And if they do, well, board up the windows and load the riffles and find some new friends!
But if you don't feel like telling them just say you're going to be busy or you have to be up early in the morning the next day until you feel comfortable telling them that. Most shouldn't care and if they try to undermine and tempt you to drink then they're probably not really friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Yeah, I think early recovery involves a lot of changes - in friends, in lifestyle. I had to stay away from alcohol and people who drank for a long time. I knew I had to. Recovery involves so much more than not drinking.
Keep open-minded and try to find new or different things to occupy your time.
Keep open-minded and try to find new or different things to occupy your time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by jch116 
What do you do when your "friends" call? I've been sober only a few days now (again) pretty rough experience and today I finally feel pretty good, just tired, but now I have all my drinking buddies calling and stopping by to try to get me to go out and the temptation is kind of overwhelming. I keep thinking could I just go out and have a couple? (Yeah right). Just wondering how other people handle it other than crawling under a rock and turning into a hermit. I keep hearing, Oh you can just have a couple.
They find new friends. If the "friends" you have now don't support your sobriety, they probably aren't your friends. To borrow from another 12 step group-Alanon? regarding your alcoholism, the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. Yeah, I discovered that quite a few of my friends have the same problem I do but had zero interest in doing anything about it, and indeed, my status as a non-drinker made them uncomfortable, for obvious reasons. Hang in there, it does get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 645
I told them that drinking was affecting my life in an adverse way.
They understood and don't tempt me, if they did I wouldn't with hang them-period.
Tough to do...maybe, but this is now a lifestyle change. Support me and we're still friends, don't and you're someone I once knew. True friends will understand. Friends may come and go, my sobriety will not!
They understood and don't tempt me, if they did I wouldn't with hang them-period.
Tough to do...maybe, but this is now a lifestyle change. Support me and we're still friends, don't and you're someone I once knew. True friends will understand. Friends may come and go, my sobriety will not!
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
It does feel anti-social, but I kind of layed low for awhile....I needed to gain strength and that comes with time.
I still have not been out with my best friend and it has been a month. All she wants to do is drink...I keep suggesting museums, movies, etc.......but that kind of free time never seems to come to her......yet I find out later she is at the bar.......(time for that I see)......it hurts, it sucks really.....but I am worth more. My body is starting to like me again. I feel good, I feel hopeful every morning......I think back to how I hated when the sun came up, I feared everything, I felt lousy phyiscally, I was in a dark place......comparing the two life styles? I choose todayand I hope you will too!
I still have not been out with my best friend and it has been a month. All she wants to do is drink...I keep suggesting museums, movies, etc.......but that kind of free time never seems to come to her......yet I find out later she is at the bar.......(time for that I see)......it hurts, it sucks really.....but I am worth more. My body is starting to like me again. I feel good, I feel hopeful every morning......I think back to how I hated when the sun came up, I feared everything, I felt lousy phyiscally, I was in a dark place......comparing the two life styles? I choose todayand I hope you will too!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi jch,
After struggling with the same issue, i had to really think about who were my real friends and who were my "drinking buddies." There are clear distinctions. My real friends never borrowed money from me for a drink, nor do they spend their time in the bars. Most of my real friends don't drink, thus it is easy to distinquish between the two. I just thought those people in the bars were my friends, but the truth is, if I'm not there, they probably won't miss me, cause someone else will sit in the same stools I've sat in for years.
After struggling with the same issue, i had to really think about who were my real friends and who were my "drinking buddies." There are clear distinctions. My real friends never borrowed money from me for a drink, nor do they spend their time in the bars. Most of my real friends don't drink, thus it is easy to distinquish between the two. I just thought those people in the bars were my friends, but the truth is, if I'm not there, they probably won't miss me, cause someone else will sit in the same stools I've sat in for years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It took moving 1500 kms away, dumping all my friends and telling my family i would be having little contact with them for a while to set myself up to achieve sobriety. Actually these things kind of happened all over last year naturallyish so i can't take credit for it all! It's got to be all about you, be a hermit if you have to, but don't drink.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
JCH this is a tough one. For me, I didn't want to have to give up that part of my life that involved going out, but I did for awhile. I slowly tested myself by going back to my favorite places & while I wasn't tempted to lunge over the bar and pour myself a beer, I was uncomfortable and resentful that I couldn't have anything. If I hadn't been convinced that it was going to kill me, I might have caved. I just told friends and family I had become too dependent on alcohol and wanted to experience life without it, and no one tried to force anything on me - except for one person. That person has a huge drinking problem and doesn't want to own up to it. I'm sure I make her uncomfortable.
Best of luck with all of this - it's progress when we see possible temptations/triggers and plan what to do in advance.
Best of luck with all of this - it's progress when we see possible temptations/triggers and plan what to do in advance.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm...
When I told my friends that I was headed
into sobriety and going to AA....
when I said my apartment was now a no drinking zone
most drifted away....alcohol was our bond.
To enjoy my healthy lifestyle...I found an AA group of
mostly singles. We did all sorts of activities...had a blast!
Hope you too will move forward into a sober future.
When I told my friends that I was headed
into sobriety and going to AA....
when I said my apartment was now a no drinking zone
most drifted away....alcohol was our bond.
To enjoy my healthy lifestyle...I found an AA group of
mostly singles. We did all sorts of activities...had a blast!
Hope you too will move forward into a sober future.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
like Carol says for me most of my 'buddies' drifted away because, whatever we told ourselves, our bond was alcohol.
The real friends are the ones who stayed and who supported me in not drinking - they understood that I was killing myself.
D
The real friends are the ones who stayed and who supported me in not drinking - they understood that I was killing myself.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
My primary relationships involved alcohol, so I am having to learn how to keep these relationships going w/o the use of alcohol. I can really appreciate how hard this must be for people who are married to someone who continues to drink when they quit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
I am responding on the assumption that your friends don't know that you made the decision to live sober. You didn't really indicate either, but that's how it was for me- none of my friends knew, and like someone else mentioned on here I "hid under a rock".
I think it's ok to do that, but eventually they are going to figure it out and/or you will have to tell them. Are all of you on Myspace, Facebook?
Maybe you could 'announce' it to them by posting it in your blog?
I almost do not recommend telling them right away face-to-face or over the phone when one of them calls you because, at this very early stage, it's very easy to be 'talked out of' staying sober and or someone saying "Oh come on...just have one drink with us".
That has happened to me more times than I can count when I told my friends I was trying to quit and nine times out of ten I gave in and of course, it was never just one.
If you announce it in such a manner, you are telling them all at the same time and it allows you to find out who your true friends are and which ones aren't. Those who'll reply in a supportive way are the ones you'll are your true friends, the ones who will disappear are well...no further explanation necessary.
That's just my two cents.
I think it's ok to do that, but eventually they are going to figure it out and/or you will have to tell them. Are all of you on Myspace, Facebook?
Maybe you could 'announce' it to them by posting it in your blog?
I almost do not recommend telling them right away face-to-face or over the phone when one of them calls you because, at this very early stage, it's very easy to be 'talked out of' staying sober and or someone saying "Oh come on...just have one drink with us".
That has happened to me more times than I can count when I told my friends I was trying to quit and nine times out of ten I gave in and of course, it was never just one.
If you announce it in such a manner, you are telling them all at the same time and it allows you to find out who your true friends are and which ones aren't. Those who'll reply in a supportive way are the ones you'll are your true friends, the ones who will disappear are well...no further explanation necessary.
That's just my two cents.
Last edited by LaDita; 02-23-2009 at 12:07 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: michigan
Posts: 109
Thank you, I think that's good advice, I haven't really said anything because I am afraid of that happening (it's also happened to me before with certain people). You're right it is really hard at this stage and after talking to one person yesterday who tried to get me out for "just a few" I stopped answering the phone. It was the only way I knew how to deal with it at the moment. I know I will have to tell everyone eventually... again thanks for the suggestion.
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
This whole "what to do about my friends" debate was pretty simple for me.
By that I mean to say that me & my sobriety come first, and everything and everybody else can just wait, or go on with their lives without me. Fortunately for me, my best friend decided to join me on the road to sobriety when he heard I quit drinking and we now have that in common (quitting drinking) and our friendship has been strengthened by our respective decisions. But of course, he's not the only person in my life I call a friend. Everyone else is either with me or against me for now. Kinda black & white but that's the kind of thinking I believe it's going to take to get me where I want to go.
By that I mean to say that me & my sobriety come first, and everything and everybody else can just wait, or go on with their lives without me. Fortunately for me, my best friend decided to join me on the road to sobriety when he heard I quit drinking and we now have that in common (quitting drinking) and our friendship has been strengthened by our respective decisions. But of course, he's not the only person in my life I call a friend. Everyone else is either with me or against me for now. Kinda black & white but that's the kind of thinking I believe it's going to take to get me where I want to go.
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