How did I end up here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
How did I end up here
Hi, my name is UncleC for now. I can't believe I am here, at this point in my life. A successful career, family etc. Yet here I am 3 days off Oxy. Started out simple enough, I only took pain meds when I could get them. Then I found I could get the relatively easy. Started eating 10mg lortabs on weekends only, then it was 10 10mg lortabs. I started to worry about my liver since aceto is so bad. The 10 10mgs became an every other day thing, occasionally at work, then it was an every day thing. I didnt want to do CWE cause I thought I was always wasting. I turned to percocet and then 15mg perc, then 30mg roxy's, which turned into chewing 80 oxys. That wsnt enough after a while, I'd chew an 80 and take 2 roxies, then a friend (at the time) introduced me to his new product, oxyfast liquid.
By now it was 240mg a day, valium to kill the nods so I could sleep, and a little coke to stay awake at work. I dont miss the coke at all, fortunately. Miss the pills tho, I keep trying to justify that it wasnt the pain meds that made me who I turned into. I know better. I though quitting smoking was hard. 3 days now, I have finally gone to the bathroom for more than once a few days, to several times today. yeah, alot of info. MY body hurts now. I am ansy and real bored, but so lethargic I dont want to move. I am getting through with sleep, valium, ibuprofin, tylnol and valium. Man I am so depressed. I hope this ends soon, a friend who has been through heroin says 8 days, but he is on methadone. I dont want to go that route, just swapping addictions. I have taken a few wafers and they sent me into orbit.
Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate the support. I read other stories and it helps too.
By now it was 240mg a day, valium to kill the nods so I could sleep, and a little coke to stay awake at work. I dont miss the coke at all, fortunately. Miss the pills tho, I keep trying to justify that it wasnt the pain meds that made me who I turned into. I know better. I though quitting smoking was hard. 3 days now, I have finally gone to the bathroom for more than once a few days, to several times today. yeah, alot of info. MY body hurts now. I am ansy and real bored, but so lethargic I dont want to move. I am getting through with sleep, valium, ibuprofin, tylnol and valium. Man I am so depressed. I hope this ends soon, a friend who has been through heroin says 8 days, but he is on methadone. I dont want to go that route, just swapping addictions. I have taken a few wafers and they sent me into orbit.
Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate the support. I read other stories and it helps too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
Welcome. It's my observation and experience that drug addition may be the most sinister, cunning, sly, and elusive condition on earth. It sneaks up on you, right in front of your eyes, and you never see it coming. We rationalize our use away under a host of excuses and denials. And then suddenly, usually after something tragic or undeniably difficult happens, we open our eyes and wonder, "how did I get here?"
A lot of us have been there. I've been there. A 15 year marriage, a homestead 1/2 paid for after working hard for it for 15 years, a business I pored myself into for 14 years, it was my life, and it was all threatened upon realization that the addiction HAD to stop, and everything was going to change as a result, or I'd lose it all anyway.
It took rehab and 18 months of "trying" before I finally stopped using.
The marriage failed, but I still have my house and business. And I got another chance at building the life I wanted.
I'm still struggling to find my way but on a much clearer path now, released from the mind-numbing, life-escaping haze of perennial drug abuse.
It all depends on what you want in life. It sounds like you want your life back. It truly is within your power to do so you know. It definitely IS work, but very rewarding work it is.
A lot of us have been there. I've been there. A 15 year marriage, a homestead 1/2 paid for after working hard for it for 15 years, a business I pored myself into for 14 years, it was my life, and it was all threatened upon realization that the addiction HAD to stop, and everything was going to change as a result, or I'd lose it all anyway.
It took rehab and 18 months of "trying" before I finally stopped using.
The marriage failed, but I still have my house and business. And I got another chance at building the life I wanted.
I'm still struggling to find my way but on a much clearer path now, released from the mind-numbing, life-escaping haze of perennial drug abuse.
It all depends on what you want in life. It sounds like you want your life back. It truly is within your power to do so you know. It definitely IS work, but very rewarding work it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
thanks for the kind words and inspiration. I have never felt so alone in my adult life. I cant take this to my wife, I cant imagine her response. I've hidden this well. I have no friends would understand. I really had nothing drastic that prompted me to quit, I had a moment when i looked at myself and said, what the &^% have I become? If I dont stop now I will be in so deep I will never get out, what comes after oxy? I guess it scared me enough to quit. Now I have too see how long I can go, forever I hope.
I look forward to this forum as my outlet now.
I look forward to this forum as my outlet now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
So, I told my wife today. understandably she is upset, especially since I had told her I quit before. however she promised to stand by my side and help me get through this. I just hate feeling so alone and no one can understand.
Never again, I am done for good with this garbage. drinking drugs etc.. It has never done me any favors except create chaos in my life.
Never again, I am done for good with this garbage. drinking drugs etc.. It has never done me any favors except create chaos in my life.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I am glad that your wife is supporting you as I am glad mine is. It will take her time to trust you again so don't get discouraged if it isn't what you hope for.
To a varying degree everyone here understands what you are going through and someone is always here to support you and make you feel part of the community.
you can do it if you really want to.
Good luck.
To a varying degree everyone here understands what you are going through and someone is always here to support you and make you feel part of the community.
you can do it if you really want to.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
I am glad a place like this exists. I dont have anyone outside of here who does understand. I dont know what I would do with out like minded people who have been there and give encouraging words of encouragement.
BTW my name is Anthony
BTW my name is Anthony
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
Hi Anthony,
Hiding your use is hiding your addiction. It's been my experience (as a master hider) that we keep things from those close to us not only for fear of their reaction, but perhaps more so, so we won't be watched, suspected, so we can return to use if we decide we "want to." Hiding keeps one foot in that door.
Very good you told your wife. Surely she will support your sobriety! Surely she will also worry about you. But use that care to your advantage, knowing she cares about you and wants the best for you. That might give you strength.
You're not alone, you need not be, that is. Find support. It's hard to do this alone. This site is a fantastic resource for ideas and strength. Explore, you might find strong support right here, to start...
Hiding your use is hiding your addiction. It's been my experience (as a master hider) that we keep things from those close to us not only for fear of their reaction, but perhaps more so, so we won't be watched, suspected, so we can return to use if we decide we "want to." Hiding keeps one foot in that door.
Very good you told your wife. Surely she will support your sobriety! Surely she will also worry about you. But use that care to your advantage, knowing she cares about you and wants the best for you. That might give you strength.
You're not alone, you need not be, that is. Find support. It's hard to do this alone. This site is a fantastic resource for ideas and strength. Explore, you might find strong support right here, to start...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Wow! I understand what you're going through ALL to well...I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict. I was addicted to the pills for more than 10 years...coke...on and off since my teens. Before going to rehab, I was taking 30 10mg hydro-or-oxycodones per day, plus snorting or smoking an 8-ball of coke. Yep, I'm lucky to be alive! When I arrived @ rehab, my liver was enlarged. I'm now 149 days clean. I'm on suboxone and I highly recommend it for anyone with an opiate addiction. It takes away the with drawl and stops the cravings.
Most M.D.'s can prescribe it. For me, suboxone has really saved my life, but it's not a 'magic pill'...in other words, YOU have to want to be clean. I still struggle with the urge to use sometimes, but I want to live, so I resist. The more I resist the stronger I get! Good luck to you...If I can do it, so can you! Please continue to post and know that you're not alone. You will find strength and support right here.
Most M.D.'s can prescribe it. For me, suboxone has really saved my life, but it's not a 'magic pill'...in other words, YOU have to want to be clean. I still struggle with the urge to use sometimes, but I want to live, so I resist. The more I resist the stronger I get! Good luck to you...If I can do it, so can you! Please continue to post and know that you're not alone. You will find strength and support right here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Fubarcdn 
I am glad that your wife is supporting you as I am glad mine is. It will take her time to trust you again so don't get discouraged if it isn't what you hope for.
To a varying degree everyone here understands what you are going through and someone is always here to support you and make you feel part of the community.
you can do it if you really want to.
Good luck.
To a varying degree everyone here understands what you are going through and someone is always here to support you and make you feel part of the community.
you can do it if you really want to.
Good luck.
How long do you need to take suboxone? Is it easy to come off of? I will ask him tomorrow. I actually got a long nap in today and feel alot better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 34
Just an update. I started another thread in the substance abuse area. However, when talking with my counselor, I am an addict. Irregardless of what substance. Alcohol always seems to be my fall back drug. Since I have quit other things, I think my alcoholism is where the focus is needed and that will lead me to the understanding of my addictions. Interesting to reflect back.
from my other thread:
Day 3
I have spent the better part of the day crying, hurting, reading. I've never been in this spot before. You can see my original post in the new comers area, I think it belongs here in substance abuse as the other area seems to be geared toward alcoholism. Sure I quit smoking, a pain but that seems easy now compared to what I am going through. I am a good person, a good career, a wonderful family. I have alot to be greatful for.
As I read these posts, all age groups, are getting affected by substance abuse. Sure I read the papers and hear the reports of growing drug dependence. I merely shifted from alcohol to pills. easier to hide.
The stories I read are pretty much the same. I feel for each and every one of you. I have alot of tears and hurt left too. We are all good people who made a wrong turn. Some are victims of pain management, who overused the pain meds. Some switched vices. Others are just genetically wired for depedency. There are many reasons.
I hope we see under the new direction of our government, more emphasis put on helping substance abuse than putting people in jail. Offering free help to those who cant afford it. Obviously trying to keep drugs out of our hands is not working at all. I can get oxy 80 for $5 ea And dont ask where cause I wont tell you. So I hope they see the solution as fixing the people and not the sources, altough the sources need to be fixed we know they wont go away. They havent in over 40 years.
I am not going to 12 step yet. Monday I am going to my doctor, who knows, my file was flagged for drug seeking. I don't think he knows to what extent. I am going to get some ambien to sleep cause I hear that gets read hard, and maybe some xanax and 800mg ibuprofin. My next move will be to call a addiction councelor. I dont need a drug councelor, I have addiction problems. I need to figure out where they are coming from and how to successfully deal with those issues. I've also got to dump every private board I was a member on, sever all ties. Kill the hushmail accounts.
We are all good people and I know we can make it.
There is a good book by a rockstar called The Heroin Diaries, we are not alone and many people from all walks of life have battled and beaten this disease.
Day 5:
Well its nearing the end of day 5.
I can't believe how much better I feel physically. Mentally, its still a rollercoaster. I made an appt with an addiction specialist for wed (tomorrow) and saw my doc today. I asked him if I could tell him something without it going into my medical record, he said yes. We had a very good talk, he told me the truth and changed my medicine (diabetes, etc..) he gave me some ambien for sleep and a note to give to my boss.
I am looking forward to my meeting with the counselor tomorrow. She and I have our work cut out for us. I am determined I will work as hard as I can to get to the core of my personality disorder.
I still share tears everyday with my family and on my own, the hurt is going away slowly. It feels good to let the hurt out.
On the plus side, I can go to the bathroom normally again (TMI?) my appetite is coming back too. I plan on changing eating habits to a healthier regime as well as some excesize even if it is just a short walk.
I never believed in god, something yes, but not god. I cannot help tho that feeling I have an angel over my shoulder guiding me through this all.
I appreciate a site like this, I still feel very much alone, but as my doc mentioned, I am seeing things through a strange set of eyes that are focused on one issue and still cant see the world around me, but he says that comes in time. He said in about a month that things will begin to seem brighter and more fulfilling.
I also read a short book today called 'Who moved my cheese?' If you get a chance, give it a read. Its an easy 80 page book, I am going to re-read it and let the message sink in a little more since I feel some things are still not sticking.
We are good people who made a left turn, if we try and want to change, we can find our way back to the path that we were once on.
god (something) bless
Day 7:
Wow! It is day 7. Just a few days ago this point seemed like it would never come!! Actually the longest days of my life looking back now have seemed to fly by.....strange. This makes me much less afraid of tomorrow.
I saw my new counselor yesterday and I think that if I honestly work together with her that I can get to the source of my addictive personality.
ALso back to work full time, it was wierd at first, but now feels good to be back into a familiar routine. I had a moment where I got a little ansy so I went for a short 15 minute walk and felt the anxiety float away.
Thanks to my angel for getting me this far, and this is by all accounts supposed to be the worst part. I hear I have 3 more weeks of ups and downs, but compared to that first week, this should be fairly easy, I just make sure that I have my support group at the ready if I need them.
from my other thread:
Day 3
I have spent the better part of the day crying, hurting, reading. I've never been in this spot before. You can see my original post in the new comers area, I think it belongs here in substance abuse as the other area seems to be geared toward alcoholism. Sure I quit smoking, a pain but that seems easy now compared to what I am going through. I am a good person, a good career, a wonderful family. I have alot to be greatful for.
As I read these posts, all age groups, are getting affected by substance abuse. Sure I read the papers and hear the reports of growing drug dependence. I merely shifted from alcohol to pills. easier to hide.
The stories I read are pretty much the same. I feel for each and every one of you. I have alot of tears and hurt left too. We are all good people who made a wrong turn. Some are victims of pain management, who overused the pain meds. Some switched vices. Others are just genetically wired for depedency. There are many reasons.
I hope we see under the new direction of our government, more emphasis put on helping substance abuse than putting people in jail. Offering free help to those who cant afford it. Obviously trying to keep drugs out of our hands is not working at all. I can get oxy 80 for $5 ea And dont ask where cause I wont tell you. So I hope they see the solution as fixing the people and not the sources, altough the sources need to be fixed we know they wont go away. They havent in over 40 years.
I am not going to 12 step yet. Monday I am going to my doctor, who knows, my file was flagged for drug seeking. I don't think he knows to what extent. I am going to get some ambien to sleep cause I hear that gets read hard, and maybe some xanax and 800mg ibuprofin. My next move will be to call a addiction councelor. I dont need a drug councelor, I have addiction problems. I need to figure out where they are coming from and how to successfully deal with those issues. I've also got to dump every private board I was a member on, sever all ties. Kill the hushmail accounts.
We are all good people and I know we can make it.
There is a good book by a rockstar called The Heroin Diaries, we are not alone and many people from all walks of life have battled and beaten this disease.
Day 5:
Well its nearing the end of day 5.
I can't believe how much better I feel physically. Mentally, its still a rollercoaster. I made an appt with an addiction specialist for wed (tomorrow) and saw my doc today. I asked him if I could tell him something without it going into my medical record, he said yes. We had a very good talk, he told me the truth and changed my medicine (diabetes, etc..) he gave me some ambien for sleep and a note to give to my boss.
I am looking forward to my meeting with the counselor tomorrow. She and I have our work cut out for us. I am determined I will work as hard as I can to get to the core of my personality disorder.
I still share tears everyday with my family and on my own, the hurt is going away slowly. It feels good to let the hurt out.
On the plus side, I can go to the bathroom normally again (TMI?) my appetite is coming back too. I plan on changing eating habits to a healthier regime as well as some excesize even if it is just a short walk.
I never believed in god, something yes, but not god. I cannot help tho that feeling I have an angel over my shoulder guiding me through this all.
I appreciate a site like this, I still feel very much alone, but as my doc mentioned, I am seeing things through a strange set of eyes that are focused on one issue and still cant see the world around me, but he says that comes in time. He said in about a month that things will begin to seem brighter and more fulfilling.
I also read a short book today called 'Who moved my cheese?' If you get a chance, give it a read. Its an easy 80 page book, I am going to re-read it and let the message sink in a little more since I feel some things are still not sticking.
We are good people who made a left turn, if we try and want to change, we can find our way back to the path that we were once on.
god (something) bless
Day 7:
Wow! It is day 7. Just a few days ago this point seemed like it would never come!! Actually the longest days of my life looking back now have seemed to fly by.....strange. This makes me much less afraid of tomorrow.
I saw my new counselor yesterday and I think that if I honestly work together with her that I can get to the source of my addictive personality.
ALso back to work full time, it was wierd at first, but now feels good to be back into a familiar routine. I had a moment where I got a little ansy so I went for a short 15 minute walk and felt the anxiety float away.
Thanks to my angel for getting me this far, and this is by all accounts supposed to be the worst part. I hear I have 3 more weeks of ups and downs, but compared to that first week, this should be fairly easy, I just make sure that I have my support group at the ready if I need them.
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