Notices

Newcomer searching for answers....

Old 02-18-2009, 08:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3
Newcomer searching for answers....

I don't really know where to start, so I'll share my story. I have been in a long term relationship with a wonderful man. I am 35 he is 41. We are both divorced and have been exclusive for over a year. About 2 weeks ago, my SO was involved with an intervention at his office and was asked to put himself into a detox facility. Let me state that I had no idea that he was using everyday. He was taking Vicodin and anxiety prescription meds. He is in the medical field, had surgery in July, came back too soon after his surgery in order to get back to work and developed a dependency on vicodin to help the pain. His partner realized he was still using and asked him to get into a program. He was using 4-5 times a week taking 2-3 dosages per day. He admitted all of this to me, granted after the fact, but he did admit he had a problem. While he was in the 5 day inpatient detox, I went daily to bring him clothing, magazines, met with his therapist and was his rock.

Let me now state that all of his family is out of state. So, 2 weeks ago, everything came crashing down. Because I am the only one here, I was the point person. Everything from his house to his office to his personal matters that needed to be tended to, taking care of the dog and being the family contact to keep his immediate family informed of exactly what was going on, got all the meds and alcohol out of the house, etc. It was overwhelming, but it had to be done. We do not live together and I have a daughter, home of my own and full time job (I am self employed) so my time is very hectic. I love this man and prior to this, we had talked about progressing our relationship, moving in together and even discussed marriage. It made me realize just how much I do love him and wanted to be compassionate, caring and help in any capacity to assist with his recovery. I started reading everything I could to learn about this disease and began to attend al-anon meetings at the advice of his therapist.

After his stay at the detox center, we had a heart to heart and he thanked me for being there for him, etc. He decided on a 6 week, very intensive night program M-TH and AA meetings F, S and SU. He started the program last week and Tuesday and Thurs are family nights. So, he asked me to attend, because I am the co-dependent, from 6-10pm those days. There wasn't a hesitation. I would get a sitter, change my schedule and make it happen.

Then the second bomb dropped. The third day he was in the program, I was at his house (we spend a lot of time together, we each have keys to our homes, merging our lives, etc) and was on the computer. I've used the computer a hundred times before this. Well, his email was left open. As you all know, the trust has been shattered with the drug use and I had a feeling in my heart that other things may have been going on as well. I looked in his email. I am not proud of this, as I have NEVER snooped or looked at his phone, etc but I knew I had to. I found several emails with two women. One he works with and they were very flirtatious. Commenting on how "hot" of a couple they were together (they had a photo taken), comments about other inapropriate things as well. Shamless flirting. This went on for 2 months. The second woman he had dated at one time, and I found out that they went to dinner one night. He commented in this email how much he was looking forward to seeing her. We were so happy, he was attentive so was I. We met each others children, etc. My heart was broken. I asked him about this when he got home. He said that while he was on the meds he didn't know 100% of what he was doing and he was so sorry that he was emotionally unfaithful. Literally he was on one knee apologizing, saying he would do anything not to lose me. He also said nothing physically ever happened with either of these women. I don't know what to believe anymore. How can I vow myself to a man who obviously hurt me deeply? He called the women that he works with and told her that I read the emails. He said that the flirting has to stop and they can only have a professional relationship. I was not present for this conversation. He has said now that he is clear headed, he would NEVER entertain being flirtatious with anyone and understands how badly I am hurting.

I need guidance. Has anyone been through anything similar? What worked for you? I feel stuck. I can't turn my back on him right now, but I am so confused and feel so betrayed. I cry myself to sleep yet have to put up a supportive front for him. I am lost, sad, empty and confused.
erin3232 is offline  
Old 02-18-2009, 09:07 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
let it grow!
 
parentrecovers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, erin. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict, and i sure can understand the heartbreak over the lies and manipulation. have you thought about going to alanon meetings? do you have insurance for private counseling?

please be patient with and caring to yourself through this difficult time.

one thing i learned in alanon is i have no control over my daughter's choices/actions but i do have choices how i let them affect my life.

support out to you and your boyfriend in this time of recovery.

keep posting! there's a friends and family section here that's helpful too!

hugs, k
parentrecovers is offline  
Old 02-18-2009, 09:56 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi Erin,

At the risk of arousing disagreement, I have to differ with one of your comments. You do have a choice as to whether or not you want to remain involved in this relationship. You can walk away. The real question is how much deception can you handle? Alcohol and drugs are notorious for warping the user's mind, which makes lying to ourselves and our loved ones just a daily exercise, used to further our own agendas. I can't even begin to count all the different forms of lies I've used to cover money spent at the bars. Lying just seems to go with the territory of being a drunk or drug addict. Furthermore, sometimes we will say anything to lessen the amount of hurt we cause, even if what we say is untrue. That's the real nature of this beast we are fighting with. If an active alcoholic tells you that he/she doesn't lie, beware. I could write a book of the ones I've used over thirty years. Now, that I think about it, it would be a comedy, because the only one I was really fooling was myself. As far as the infidelity is concerned, that's a tough one and I'm not really sure what path is best to take. Only you can determine how much of what he says is believable.

I wish you well in trying to sort out this most difficult dilemma. keep coming here for support and you will find your way.
firestorm090 is offline  
Old 02-18-2009, 10:19 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
PinkClouded's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 51
Wow. I have no idea what you should do. Now having said that, when I don't know what to do, I do nothing. The answer comes to me when I have enough evidence and can make the right choices. Then I know what to do and I do it.
My sympathies to you during this time. It can't be easy.
PinkClouded is offline  
Old 02-18-2009, 10:31 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Attitude of Gratitude
 
serenityqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305


Welcome to SR, Erin, you have found a place where you can find a huge amt of understanding, support and friendship.

I'm a Recovering Addict & Alcoholic and I have to say that it sounds like you have went above and beyond what most would do when someone goes into detox and treatment. Whatever you do, please don't ever doubt that you haven't done enough or that any of this is your fault. It's not.

You stated that you have to put on a supportive front for him . . . ignoring your feelings is not supportive for him at all. You have to take care of you, first and foremost, no matter what. You cannot be expected to instantly forgive him for the, what did he call it, emotional unfaithfullness.

Before you invest any more of your time and heart in this relationship, I feel you really need to address with him just how much this has devestated you. You do not have to tip toe around the addict out of fear of him picking up. If he does, it's his choice. I'm not saying he is going to relapse, but if he would, that was his choice. No one can make another person relapse. . . unless you physically throw the pills down his throat and force him to swallow them which I don't think you are going to do.

Have you discussed this yet with the people at Alanon? I imagine there are more than a few people in the Rooms who have had a very similar problem.

I highly encourage you to take care of you right now. Let him take it from here regarding taking care of his things that to be done. There is a huge difference in being supportive and enabling. You sound like a lovely lady who has bent over backwards for the man she loves. Just make sure not to let him try to blame any of this on you.

I hope you will continue to share and read, read, read. Addiction is a disease that effects nearly everyone in the addicts life so you too, also need help in dealing with what his disease has caused you to feel.

Hugs & Prayers,
Judy
serenityqueen is offline  
Old 02-18-2009, 10:32 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Erin,

You might try posting on the relationship forum. I think you would find others that don't have problems themselves but with SO/children etc. Good luck and I hope you find your answers.
Philly is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:55 AM.