Confussed,lost and weak (so they say)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Confussed,lost and weak (so they say)
Well where do I start? I stummbled on this site by researching stuff trying to get and help w/o spending a whole bunch of money! I'm a single mother of 2 and trying to be the mommy and the daddy at the same time, but that's not the problem I don't think. I think I have gathered this much of myself I have a over additive personality and ther is no between for me anything that I do I do it to the extream good or bad. I have always been like that the problem is I don't do that with the positive stuff in life. Now normally I would be ashamed to say the things I'm about to say, but I'm so tired I can't even begin to explain, and like the rest or most of us I to am saying Oh I'm not going to drink today and really think I mean and believe it but these Demons are under attack they won't leave me alone and I feel like I am really dissapointing myself and most of all my kids. I have been struggling with this problem no -stop for about 9 years now. The longest I have been sober is 10 days and that was recent other then that maybe a few days w/o and that's it. My life is based around it whatever I do. I feel I am supergirl the one that speaks my mind the one that doesn't care the one that is the life of the party but at the end of the day or night I find out that I said and did terrible things that I normally would have not done on a normal basis. I already have depression issues and this is by far making it more intense. I can't focus and when I get started drinking there is no stopping me I binge for days sometimes weeks, and when I finally gave up the race that I'm in by myself. I look and feel horrible my skin is dry eyes are yellow and puffy, I'm ashamed to go outside w/o glasses on. My normal mask won't even work. I want to stop but I feel like nobody understands me nobody feels my pain! The funny part is I don't even know what's wrong with me, I just have to be altered to accept life on it's terms. I can't even or don't remember having sexual relations being sober. My father was an abusive drinker and I swore not to become like him, but I am. The problem is that my kidneys are starting to show me sighns of failure and my life is unmanageable. I have a very bad temper and with drinking I am worse. So now I am taking it out on my kids and leaving them hurt. I have promised on several occasions to stop for years cried the blues but failed myself and them. I have only a high school degree and that can't get me the money that I need for the life that I live... I have a sugar daddy who takes care of me and he is only my enabler, he won't stop bring the drinks over and I won't stop anyways but he doesn't help the situation, he feels if I don't drink I won't want him which is a true statement. I don't want to be with him and don't want to do the things that I have to do with him, but the only way I know how is to cover that up by alchol and forget about it. H eis an easy way out and my bread and butter so untill I can take care of myself what do I do? I have so much anxiety built up and have problems sitting with myself I get so so depressed when I should be happy. I don't know but I'm so glad that there is people out here like me, I thought I was alone and it feels that way because nobody seems to understand everyone says just stop be strong moderation. Well I don't know what that means. This is the first time on here and reaching out, but I really need help I want to live a normal life with society and have a better relationship with my kids, I just don't even know where to begin.....Please help b4 I die....
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Welcome Charisma,
I am glad you found us.
You know you need to stop drinking and we do understand how hard that is, but please know that you can do it. You can live your life without alcohol and be the person that you want to be. It will take changes in your lifestyle, such as getting rid of your sugar daddy. I had to get some toxic people out of my life when I stopped drinking and I am glad that I did.
Be patient with yourself and focus on your recovery. You will find that your life will improve and the relationships with your children will improve. Keep reading and posting.
I am glad you found us.
You know you need to stop drinking and we do understand how hard that is, but please know that you can do it. You can live your life without alcohol and be the person that you want to be. It will take changes in your lifestyle, such as getting rid of your sugar daddy. I had to get some toxic people out of my life when I stopped drinking and I am glad that I did.
Be patient with yourself and focus on your recovery. You will find that your life will improve and the relationships with your children will improve. Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Charisma.
I feel a lot of empathy for you and your children. I have five of my own and I am a single dad. I know how difficult it can be to have to be both mom and dad. It's very hard at times. You are definately in a tough situation at this time. I think the best first step to take is to just do everything you can to stop drinking. This includes dealing with your sugar daddy however you must. Your children depend on you for so much more than food and shelter. Their safety and well-being in all regards should be tied with your first priority of getting sober for good.
One way to stay on track among many others is to keep coming back to SR. There are a lot of women on this site with experience similar to yours. The way to find these women is to keep coming back and reading and posting. In time hopefully you will find other women who will offer you friendship, guidance and advice.
Having said that, we are all here to help one another to find peace, understanding, support and comaraderie. Those are some of the things I've noticed in my short time on SR.
Good Luck,
Ken
I feel a lot of empathy for you and your children. I have five of my own and I am a single dad. I know how difficult it can be to have to be both mom and dad. It's very hard at times. You are definately in a tough situation at this time. I think the best first step to take is to just do everything you can to stop drinking. This includes dealing with your sugar daddy however you must. Your children depend on you for so much more than food and shelter. Their safety and well-being in all regards should be tied with your first priority of getting sober for good.
One way to stay on track among many others is to keep coming back to SR. There are a lot of women on this site with experience similar to yours. The way to find these women is to keep coming back and reading and posting. In time hopefully you will find other women who will offer you friendship, guidance and advice.
Having said that, we are all here to help one another to find peace, understanding, support and comaraderie. Those are some of the things I've noticed in my short time on SR.
Good Luck,
Ken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Thank you so much for any and all responses, I really appreciate it. It's hard to be honest with others and admitt to yourself that you are no longer in control...It just seems that as if though it will never get better and tomorrow will not come quick enough. As far as the sugar daddy thing I can't get rid of him unless I get a career that I can call my own. There are many more thought and problems that occour daily, but I'm glad I found you all!!!!
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
Charisma, You deserve to feel better. Have a good look around here. There is help here. Take what you like and leave the rest. I am sober through the 12 steps and A.A meetings. It works for me. There is a good life to be had after drink. You have made a start today keep moving forward. x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Thank you much for your understanding! The thing is that You know what I can't even fully blaim my sugar daddy because I drink when he isn't here and when he is, but a lot of it is because I feel like why stop when I know that I will be doing it again when he comes back around you know. I don't know why I'm so uneasy and eager to drink when it is destroying my life and personality/ I just thank God that he is forgiving. I'm so tired of my weakness and empty promises to my children, hopefully I will find someone to relate to because being sober one minute is hard to do and I don't quite know how to ever shake this off and laugh and love naturally.....What is wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
You are so right!!! The problem I'm trying to get down is why/ Why can't I be normal and live normally or just drink in moderation or not at all and why can't I just STOP...How do I ever begin?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi
It's great you have come here as you will get support and definitely some good advice. I'm a guy and I get the sugar daddy thing, i used to do things to get money, i always thought i needed a big income, and in my work i used to sell services that i could do and should do but never followed through on the works. It makes you feel like crap and ensures that you keep your own foot on your self esteem and self respect. I get what your saying with the sugar daddy thing about the things you don't like doing obviously and am not belittling that by my comment, it's different but the outcome is the same.
Anyways i went to an alcohol counselor last year, 4 months ago, have been going every week, got put on some meds anti depressants actually which a year ago i would not have taken but man i was on my knees begging for help and would have done anything to stop drinking! So now i am sober and happy and learning how to live! I had a 'crap' day today, was furious about as decision i had to make kind of like the cartoon characters who have steam coming out of their ears, went to work announced im doing nothing today as i am thinking?! Anyways the decision is to stay in Barcelona or rent a villa down south for summer and work remotely, this is from the guy 5 months ago that my company would not let out of their sight and did not trust that much too. Point is where did that option come from, it's being sober it changes everything i promise you but it takes time. I did the 10 days without booze thing many times but unless you tackle the reasons you drank in the first place it's no good you are basically a dry drunk!
I went to an AA meeting on Friday gone and am going to another one tomorrow night, again me at AA wtf, a year ago i would have said **** off im not sitting with a bunch of alchies, but cmon who's going to keep me sober...me? Yeah tried that for 20 years, am i gonna try it by myself for another 20 before i get it?!
Get yourself down to see someone, on the QT even, just keep it to yourself, no-one is going to demand anything of you but it might give you some more options?
Your kids are a great reason to get sober, i just had my little kitten staring at me through the patio doors wondering what the hell i was doing whilst i sank another glass of cava, good times...NOT!
Good luck and hope you find your way:-)
It's great you have come here as you will get support and definitely some good advice. I'm a guy and I get the sugar daddy thing, i used to do things to get money, i always thought i needed a big income, and in my work i used to sell services that i could do and should do but never followed through on the works. It makes you feel like crap and ensures that you keep your own foot on your self esteem and self respect. I get what your saying with the sugar daddy thing about the things you don't like doing obviously and am not belittling that by my comment, it's different but the outcome is the same.
Anyways i went to an alcohol counselor last year, 4 months ago, have been going every week, got put on some meds anti depressants actually which a year ago i would not have taken but man i was on my knees begging for help and would have done anything to stop drinking! So now i am sober and happy and learning how to live! I had a 'crap' day today, was furious about as decision i had to make kind of like the cartoon characters who have steam coming out of their ears, went to work announced im doing nothing today as i am thinking?! Anyways the decision is to stay in Barcelona or rent a villa down south for summer and work remotely, this is from the guy 5 months ago that my company would not let out of their sight and did not trust that much too. Point is where did that option come from, it's being sober it changes everything i promise you but it takes time. I did the 10 days without booze thing many times but unless you tackle the reasons you drank in the first place it's no good you are basically a dry drunk!
I went to an AA meeting on Friday gone and am going to another one tomorrow night, again me at AA wtf, a year ago i would have said **** off im not sitting with a bunch of alchies, but cmon who's going to keep me sober...me? Yeah tried that for 20 years, am i gonna try it by myself for another 20 before i get it?!
Get yourself down to see someone, on the QT even, just keep it to yourself, no-one is going to demand anything of you but it might give you some more options?
Your kids are a great reason to get sober, i just had my little kitten staring at me through the patio doors wondering what the hell i was doing whilst i sank another glass of cava, good times...NOT!
Good luck and hope you find your way:-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi charisma,
My younger sister did the sugar daddy thing for many years, quite a few years ago. The man was loaded, big time, owned a huge company, his own 17 passenger lear jet, gave her a Mercedes and Rolex during the first year of their relationship, bought her a $300K luxury condo, after which he gave her $125K to decorate it with. She would pick me up to go barhopping in a stretch limo, and we would get the driver drunk with us. That "gravy train" ended up being the ride from hell. The guy never abused her, thought she was just "to die for", yet her self-esteem sunk so low that eventually she took one of his shotguns, he was a big game hunter, stuck it in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Thank God, the gun wasn't loaded, but she didn't know that. We rushed her to a psych ward, where she stayed for several months. I recall, as we were moving her things out of the condo, that there were literally bags of clothing with the tags still on them, heaped in piles here and there in her bedroom. Some of the boots had tags of $400 and $500, but had never been worn.My older brother and I couldn't make any sense of it, so we just dutifully packed it all up and moved it to storage.
It took her a long time to finally let go of that golden rope and make the fall that eventually landed her on her feet. She went through a lengthy detox, got a part-time job and small apartment, and ended up giving alot of those clothes to goodwill. Man, someone had a Christmas from heaven, ( I guess all Christmases are from heaven, when ya think about it.) Well, I've written all of this to let you know that there are paths out of your current predicament, you just need to search for them. That search will be much easier with a clear head, and your children will motivate you when the going gets tuff. My sister, by the way, is still friends with her ex-sugardaddy, but he no longer enables her in any way.
Hope this helps a little.
My younger sister did the sugar daddy thing for many years, quite a few years ago. The man was loaded, big time, owned a huge company, his own 17 passenger lear jet, gave her a Mercedes and Rolex during the first year of their relationship, bought her a $300K luxury condo, after which he gave her $125K to decorate it with. She would pick me up to go barhopping in a stretch limo, and we would get the driver drunk with us. That "gravy train" ended up being the ride from hell. The guy never abused her, thought she was just "to die for", yet her self-esteem sunk so low that eventually she took one of his shotguns, he was a big game hunter, stuck it in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Thank God, the gun wasn't loaded, but she didn't know that. We rushed her to a psych ward, where she stayed for several months. I recall, as we were moving her things out of the condo, that there were literally bags of clothing with the tags still on them, heaped in piles here and there in her bedroom. Some of the boots had tags of $400 and $500, but had never been worn.My older brother and I couldn't make any sense of it, so we just dutifully packed it all up and moved it to storage.
It took her a long time to finally let go of that golden rope and make the fall that eventually landed her on her feet. She went through a lengthy detox, got a part-time job and small apartment, and ended up giving alot of those clothes to goodwill. Man, someone had a Christmas from heaven, ( I guess all Christmases are from heaven, when ya think about it.) Well, I've written all of this to let you know that there are paths out of your current predicament, you just need to search for them. That search will be much easier with a clear head, and your children will motivate you when the going gets tuff. My sister, by the way, is still friends with her ex-sugardaddy, but he no longer enables her in any way.
Hope this helps a little.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Wow, great story firestorm. Glad that your sister is doing well and man what courage it took for her to leave that life behind. You must be proud of her. Are you listening Charisma? Here is a great example of someone with great despair who had a situation somewhat similar to yours and turned it all around for the better. It may be hard and it may take a lot of time but you can do it too!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Yes and Yes I know but it will be hard work and the matter of performing w/o any substance is pretty scary becaus that's all I know, and when I try that iit just seems really awkard. It just seems as if I can't haved a normal relationship with him or anyone else in that matter w/o being fried. Yes I have all the $$$$ but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to my true happiness you know. I mean don't get me wrong I lovr this guy for he has taken care of me for over 9 years now, but I'm tired and worn down....u know he 2 says just don't get drunk maintain and everything will be ok, but everybody is not the same I try to explain to him, but when I do I seem really weak, so I leave it alone. I know that I don't know you guys but I ask that nobody makes a quick judgement on me and reads carefully ( I don't have the ability to stray yet) this man has mad sure that I live good w/o working and everything, ehat what does that matter if I'm not going to br here to enjoy it.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Welcome charisma :ghug2 you seem to really be struggling with the "why"part of it all (which I do as well).
The book of AA explains it very well, I will post a thread that is linked to all of that information for you. I found the audio clips to be very helpful.
I will post that information for you shortly.
Glad that you are here with us
Take Care :ghug
The book of AA explains it very well, I will post a thread that is linked to all of that information for you. I found the audio clips to be very helpful.
I will post that information for you shortly.
Glad that you are here with us
Take Care :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Again i am so glad that I have found people that can relate to me, I am so tired of being lonely,confussed and lost when is it going to end....I wish that you all could hold my hand and guide me through, but Not the case I am going to have to do it through here which is way better(I'm finding) THEN DOING IT QUOTE ON QUOTE ALONE...,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Why am I worshiping something so much that is only bring me pain and despair? Why is it that I now feel ashamed to have relations with it ? I thought it wad my b.f.f.seems as though time is lost memmories are shattered and RESPECT as not a given, but while in the movement I feal great and nothing really mattered at the time now I feel like crap and haven't been sober for more then 1 hr, it just seems as though why start if you aren't going to finish/ How did you all accomplish this? Thanks a whole bunch 4 listening!!!!!Trust me I need ya'll
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