The Same.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
The Same.
I've been drinking all throughout my short adulthood--it's all I've known to use in order to deal with the emotions and the B.S. The way I am...I'm not "normal" and I don't think that I ever have been. The reason why I have relapsed so much is because a much more significant problem lies below the addiction. That is why I drink. That is why I’d love to drink now. So I’ll spend yet another night white-knuckling it….and for what? Nothing changes because I don‘t change because I cannot change who I am. No one or no thing can change me. I'm always on the outside of things catching a glimpse through the window at others--the people I'd rather be like.
I’ll probably “make it” tonight by feeding my food addiction to live another day to do this again. Is this supposed to pass for living? Even if I don't take another drink, does it really matter if I'm eating myself to death?
Thanks for letting me rant.
I’ll probably “make it” tonight by feeding my food addiction to live another day to do this again. Is this supposed to pass for living? Even if I don't take another drink, does it really matter if I'm eating myself to death?
Thanks for letting me rant.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It took me going to an alcohol counseller to make sense of why i was drinking and she used the term self medicating which suddenly made it all make sense. Four months sober and i went to my first AA meeting tonight and am going to one tomorrow, it was a great experience, i don't understand all what was said tonight but there were people there who have years of sobriety who live happy and changed lives and i would like to do that with my life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Bam - everyone is open to change. Everyone has that capacity.
I came here hoping simply to stop drinking. I did that, but I found so much in me besides.
I see now it's really about growth and about being the best you that you can be.
Yeah - drinking for me was just the symptom too, the medication - you have to work on the underlying issues, but it's not a hopeless task.
Little by little bit by bit, I find change comes - as long as I stick to my commitment to deal with stuff - really deal with it - and not scurry back to the bottle when things get tough. No growth there.
Some pf it I could do on my own - other bits I need other people - SR, gf, friends, counsellors...but it can be done Bam.
I've changed - but I'm not different, just better
D
I came here hoping simply to stop drinking. I did that, but I found so much in me besides.
I see now it's really about growth and about being the best you that you can be.
Yeah - drinking for me was just the symptom too, the medication - you have to work on the underlying issues, but it's not a hopeless task.
Little by little bit by bit, I find change comes - as long as I stick to my commitment to deal with stuff - really deal with it - and not scurry back to the bottle when things get tough. No growth there.
Some pf it I could do on my own - other bits I need other people - SR, gf, friends, counsellors...but it can be done Bam.
I've changed - but I'm not different, just better
D
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Bamboozle 
Nothing changes because I don‘t change because I cannot change who I am. No one or no thing can change me. I'm always on the outside of things catching a glimpse through the window at others--the people I'd rather be like.
I'm not sure what things about yourself you don't like and feel you can't change, but I'm fully confident that if you had the proper support you could do it. There is hope, sweetie.
I am hopeful for you, and I am on your side.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont think its so much changing the root of who you are.
I know I am going to be this way for the rest of my life.
I am always goin to have an issue with drugs. I will never be able to do some of the things I did when I was using.
And all that what you do now that your clean. Well thats where the magic happens IMO.
Kinda like make the best out of what your working with.
You can stop using and just not do anything else. That isnt much of a life. Your right.
White knuckling anything is no way to live.
Nor is over indulging in another obsession.
All those things can be changed. But you have to do something about it. You have to find other things that will fill those voids.
Dont settle for what you use to be minus the using/drinking..whatever. We dont have to live that way.
My friend has this as their headline "Settle for nothing now..Settle for nothing later."
Putting the drink down is the easy part.
What you do after that is where it will amke all the difference.
I hope you feel better soon.
(((BAM)))
I know I am going to be this way for the rest of my life.
I am always goin to have an issue with drugs. I will never be able to do some of the things I did when I was using.
And all that what you do now that your clean. Well thats where the magic happens IMO.
Kinda like make the best out of what your working with.
You can stop using and just not do anything else. That isnt much of a life. Your right.
White knuckling anything is no way to live.
Nor is over indulging in another obsession.
All those things can be changed. But you have to do something about it. You have to find other things that will fill those voids.
Dont settle for what you use to be minus the using/drinking..whatever. We dont have to live that way.
My friend has this as their headline "Settle for nothing now..Settle for nothing later."
Putting the drink down is the easy part.
What you do after that is where it will amke all the difference.
I hope you feel better soon.
(((BAM)))
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Bam, of course you are different. We are ALL different and unique, and there is no such thing as "normal". I think that rocks, by the way You have many qualities that make you special, do not put yourself down, make your value COUNT.
You might have a significant problem laying beneath your drinking. Or not. But, truth is, sobriety comes first, and it takes a while to consolidate - maybe you should stop thinking so much, and focus on the now: the ongoing sobriety you are now achieving. Introspection, awareness and understanding can only help you if you're in a position to act upon that knowledge.
As an aside, I also think that a lot of people have the tendency to use the terms "normal" and "average" as though they were interchangeable. They are not.
You have many qualities that make you special, do not put yourself down, make your value COUNT.You might have a significant problem laying beneath your drinking. Or not. But, truth is, sobriety comes first, and it takes a while to consolidate - maybe you should stop thinking so much, and focus on the now: the ongoing sobriety you are now achieving. Introspection, awareness and understanding can only help you if you're in a position to act upon that knowledge.
As an aside, I also think that a lot of people have the tendency to use the terms "normal" and "average" as though they were interchangeable. They are not.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Sometimes the change that is required is different than we think it is. Sometimes, the biggest changes we can make come in the form of how we choose to view ourselves. Who we see in the reflection when we look at ourselves in the mirror. How we choose to understand parts of ourselves that we've struggled with.
Sometimes, we don't need to actually change ourselves. What we need to change is how we live with ourselves. How we treat ourselves. How we accept ourselves.
You sound like you are being very hard on yourself, Bamboozle. You kind of sound like you are punishing yourself for something. And like you're hopeless.
It would be very hard for me if I took away my alcohol and didn't replace it with self-respect and appreciation. If I were still walking through my life filled with all the misery and self-hatred that I'd had while I was an active drunk. I think that's what I've heard called a dry drunk. Not drinking but not making changes to your life that help you live in a world where you don't turn to alcohol for support.
I wonder what it is about yourself that you think is so awful that you can't accept it and it's too permanent so you can't change it. My bet is you are being really hard on yourself about something.
There are a lot of people here who care. I wish I coudl reach through and hug you.
Sometimes, we don't need to actually change ourselves. What we need to change is how we live with ourselves. How we treat ourselves. How we accept ourselves.
You sound like you are being very hard on yourself, Bamboozle. You kind of sound like you are punishing yourself for something. And like you're hopeless.
It would be very hard for me if I took away my alcohol and didn't replace it with self-respect and appreciation. If I were still walking through my life filled with all the misery and self-hatred that I'd had while I was an active drunk. I think that's what I've heard called a dry drunk. Not drinking but not making changes to your life that help you live in a world where you don't turn to alcohol for support.
I wonder what it is about yourself that you think is so awful that you can't accept it and it's too permanent so you can't change it. My bet is you are being really hard on yourself about something.
There are a lot of people here who care. I wish I coudl reach through and hug you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi bamboozle............change........my favourite subject..
Like you........i couldnt live with ME.
By that i mean me without booze.......but i did change
And i did find contented sobriety..........and have posted at length about it.
you can find it in.."to me and anyone else listening"...read my last post and id be real interested on your thoughts.
Do not be discouraged.........i relate totally......there was deep problems with ME.....without booze.
And you can change them......and i believe its where contented sobriety lies.
It will require......gut level honesty......willingness and an open mind.
On the outside looking in...............that is exactly how i felt.
Good luck and god be with you.................trucker
Like you........i couldnt live with ME.
By that i mean me without booze.......but i did change
And i did find contented sobriety..........and have posted at length about it.
you can find it in.."to me and anyone else listening"...read my last post and id be real interested on your thoughts.
Do not be discouraged.........i relate totally......there was deep problems with ME.....without booze.
And you can change them......and i believe its where contented sobriety lies.
It will require......gut level honesty......willingness and an open mind.
On the outside looking in...............that is exactly how i felt.
Good luck and god be with you.................trucker
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
When I look in the mirror, I see what's wrong. I see the acne and the scars that won't go away. Most teenagers outgrow this crap....I'm almost 30. It's ugly...and nothing works. Ha ha...if I hadn't spent so much time abusing my liver maybe I could have tried Accutane. Dangerous stuff, but it works for some people.
No matter how I try I cannot accept what I see and I cannot change it. I don't know how to twist that around in my mind to make it okay. I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I see people with beautiful skin everywhere...and I'm bitter about it.
Looking good or at least acceptable is so important in social interactions.
Anyone out there with this problem and how have you dealt with it when nothing works? How do you feel good inside when the exterior is less than appealing and unchanging?
No matter how I try I cannot accept what I see and I cannot change it. I don't know how to twist that around in my mind to make it okay. I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I see people with beautiful skin everywhere...and I'm bitter about it.
Looking good or at least acceptable is so important in social interactions.
Anyone out there with this problem and how have you dealt with it when nothing works? How do you feel good inside when the exterior is less than appealing and unchanging?
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Bam, you are a beautiful person on the inside where it counts.
It is unforyunate that this society is wrapped up in outward appearances but people love you for what you are and that is far more important. :ghug3
It is unforyunate that this society is wrapped up in outward appearances but people love you for what you are and that is far more important. :ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Bam,
Change will come, but it's a slow process.
I hated the person that I was and that was how I could poison myself with alcohol for three years. I was depressed long before I began drinking and I needed to get treated for that before I cared enough to stop drinking. Have you talked to your about depression? It could be a possibility.
Change will come, but it's a slow process.
I hated the person that I was and that was how I could poison myself with alcohol for three years. I was depressed long before I began drinking and I needed to get treated for that before I cared enough to stop drinking. Have you talked to your about depression? It could be a possibility.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
When I look in the mirror, I see what's wrong. I see the acne and the scars that won't go away. Most teenagers outgrow this crap....I'm almost 30. It's ugly...and nothing works. Ha ha...if I hadn't spent so much time abusing my liver maybe I could have tried Accutane. Dangerous stuff, but it works for some people.
No matter how I try I cannot accept what I see and I cannot change it. I don't know how to twist that around in my mind to make it okay. I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I see people with beautiful skin everywhere...and I'm bitter about it.
Looking good or at least acceptable is so important in social interactions.
Anyone out there with this problem and how have you dealt with it when nothing works? How do you feel good inside when the exterior is less than appealing and unchanging?
No matter how I try I cannot accept what I see and I cannot change it. I don't know how to twist that around in my mind to make it okay. I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I see people with beautiful skin everywhere...and I'm bitter about it.
Looking good or at least acceptable is so important in social interactions.
Anyone out there with this problem and how have you dealt with it when nothing works? How do you feel good inside when the exterior is less than appealing and unchanging?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi Bam,
I'm new to this group, so I am hesitant about replying. I can totally relate to your belief that change is sometimes not possible, however I do feel there are always some aspects of our lives that we can change, or at least improve to some degree. It's not easy. I am a bald, fifty year old man, who has drank for over 30 yrs., yet I joined this group because I know that I cannot change by myself. I've tried so many times. I mentioned that I am bald because that is something I cannot change, unless I have transplants or some other procedure that will put hair on my head again. I have had to accept that my hair stopped growing on my head and began growing out of my ears and nose, lol. I bought a nice trimmer, one that I can use to keep the hair in my ears and nostrils from closing the holes they are growing in, lol. My point is, I do what I can with what I have and so can you. You are a gift. I know this is true, for I'm alive today because other people felt that way towards me and I feel that way towards you. It's a matter of finding our true spirit, and accepting that we can do the best we can with what we have. So, hang in there, and keep working on finding ways to improve your complextion, just don't give up. I'm off to the bath for a little trim.
I'm new to this group, so I am hesitant about replying. I can totally relate to your belief that change is sometimes not possible, however I do feel there are always some aspects of our lives that we can change, or at least improve to some degree. It's not easy. I am a bald, fifty year old man, who has drank for over 30 yrs., yet I joined this group because I know that I cannot change by myself. I've tried so many times. I mentioned that I am bald because that is something I cannot change, unless I have transplants or some other procedure that will put hair on my head again. I have had to accept that my hair stopped growing on my head and began growing out of my ears and nose, lol. I bought a nice trimmer, one that I can use to keep the hair in my ears and nostrils from closing the holes they are growing in, lol. My point is, I do what I can with what I have and so can you. You are a gift. I know this is true, for I'm alive today because other people felt that way towards me and I feel that way towards you. It's a matter of finding our true spirit, and accepting that we can do the best we can with what we have. So, hang in there, and keep working on finding ways to improve your complextion, just don't give up. I'm off to the bath for a little trim.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 396
Bamboozle,
I'm 44 and still waiting for my face to clear up. I'm on day 17 and it seems to be worse but I'm hoping that it's just my body adjusting. The difference with women is that if you're good with makeup, it helps (and I'm not). I'm going somewhere special today and I'm pissed about my face. You're not the only one, with any of these problems. I know that doesn't make it any easier and we all take things differently. Change isn't easy but it CAN happen.
I'm 44 and still waiting for my face to clear up. I'm on day 17 and it seems to be worse but I'm hoping that it's just my body adjusting. The difference with women is that if you're good with makeup, it helps (and I'm not). I'm going somewhere special today and I'm pissed about my face. You're not the only one, with any of these problems. I know that doesn't make it any easier and we all take things differently. Change isn't easy but it CAN happen.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by C23
Bam, One of the main reasons I thought about slowing down and or stopping drinking was what it was doing to my skin. I was constantly breaking out on my face. It was even hard to shave and painful due to the amount of pimples, rash, whatever it was. Once I laid off the booze, started to take a list of vitamins and minerals, drank a ton of water, and got a good daily face wash, this all went away. Hopefully if you do the same, it will do the same.
It's genetic...it was a problem way before booze was in the picture. Oh, well...nothing anyone or anything can do about it.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by mamabin
Bamboozle,
I'm 44 and still waiting for my face to clear up. I'm on day 17 and it seems to be worse but I'm hoping that it's just my body adjusting. The difference with women is that if you're good with makeup, it helps (and I'm not). I'm going somewhere special today and I'm pissed about my face. You're not the only one, with any of these problems. I know that doesn't make it any easier and we all take things differently. Change isn't easy but it CAN happen.
I'm 44 and still waiting for my face to clear up. I'm on day 17 and it seems to be worse but I'm hoping that it's just my body adjusting. The difference with women is that if you're good with makeup, it helps (and I'm not). I'm going somewhere special today and I'm pissed about my face. You're not the only one, with any of these problems. I know that doesn't make it any easier and we all take things differently. Change isn't easy but it CAN happen.
I don't wear makeup...
. I'm not exactly feminine...but anyways, when I tried wearing foundation a long time ago to cover-up...it made the acne worse. I need to stop complaining about this...I just wish I was okay with it since it's obviously not going away (until I hit Menopause--ha...I should hope to live that long.).
I know I'm whining. I just don't know how to deal with this...fifteen years of this crap. I'd like to be a beautiful person, but I'm not. The reality is that people care about appearances a great deal. It's just the way people are programmed. There are a few who can see beyond it, but there aren't many, especially when it comes to romance. Telling jokes and being nice doesn't help. Just call me Miss Personality.
Thank you for letting me whine and complain and moan and groan and wallow and...
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by firestorm090
Hi Bam,
I'm new to this group, so I am hesitant about replying.
I'm new to this group, so I am hesitant about replying.
Hello, firestorm. Welcome to SR.
Feel free to post as you like. Thanks for kind words.
Thank you to everyone who replied.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I cant say I know too much about acne Bam. I break out really bad on my back and shoulders though. But when I was using my skin and face were a mess.
It does suck how society has us so focused on the outer appearances.
Thats why I really like meeting people online. Because you get to know people for who they are. Not what they look like and stuff like that.
I liked you from day one. Any chick that laugh at farts and be ok with that. Is my kind of person. LOL.
You are so funny and a really sincere person. Laid back and down to earth. Those are qualities I really like in people. I think you are an awesome person.
But I know what you mean. I get that way with my weight all the time.
It does suck how society has us so focused on the outer appearances.
Thats why I really like meeting people online. Because you get to know people for who they are. Not what they look like and stuff like that.
I liked you from day one. Any chick that laugh at farts and be ok with that. Is my kind of person. LOL.
You are so funny and a really sincere person. Laid back and down to earth. Those are qualities I really like in people. I think you are an awesome person.
But I know what you mean. I get that way with my weight all the time.
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