TOPIC: PHILANDERER - Man or Woman Who Carrys On Affairs. Is That You?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
TOPIC: PHILANDERER - Man or Woman Who Carrys On Affairs. Is That You?
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Here's a topic to reflect on.
Philanderers or Philandering
To carry on a sexual affair, especially
an extramarital affair, with a woman/man
one cannot or does not intend to marry.
To engage in many love affairs, especially
with a frivolous or casual attitude.
I share my experience, strenghts and hopes
on this matter because Ive been there done
that.....of course i didnt realize till now its
called philandering.
During my before during and after career
of drinking and during my marriage, because
of my disease and unhappiness.....because
of the thick fog i was in, i reached out to
many unhealthy forms of habits in search
for the quick fix to make me happy.
I am one to say that i was far from
being perfect....but tried like heck to be.
All those unhealthy fixes only caused more
harm than good in the long run.
Sure the affairs were exciting. Sure the
secret was exciting at the time....but soon
after the remorse and guilt came into play.
The more guilt and shame and remorse i
had, the more i drank at the time to numb
those feelings.
Then the longer i kept those secrets locked
up inside me the more unhappier i became.
I really didnt want to behave like that and really
wanted my marriage to work.....however when
i was in the before and after recovery i began
to change where i left love ones behind fending
for themselves.
I changed alot in recovery for the good and not
bad....i continued to grow and thus learned
about good habits to practice in order to stay
sober one more day.
When i finally let go of the secrets i had locked
up inside and admitted what i was doing was
totally wrong then i was released and set free.
The key of that burden was turned and the door
to a new window of life opened for me.
I remember hearing once on Dr. Phil that if u
cant be honest in ur relationship or marriage
then get out. Why keep ur partner in the dark
not knowing what u r doing behind his/her back.
That to me stayed in my mind for a long time.
And since i didnt want to hurt my spouse with
the details then i needed to move on and set
him free.....he didnt deserve to be second best,
if the love we once had was gone.
I did set him free and hope he's found happiness
like i have. No one ever has to suffer because
of our defects of character.
AA has set me on the right path to live in an
honest relationship and thus the reward is
being happy joyous and free.
Thanks for letting me share.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Here's a topic to reflect on.
Philanderers or Philandering
To carry on a sexual affair, especially
an extramarital affair, with a woman/man
one cannot or does not intend to marry.
To engage in many love affairs, especially
with a frivolous or casual attitude.
I share my experience, strenghts and hopes
on this matter because Ive been there done
that.....of course i didnt realize till now its
called philandering.
During my before during and after career
of drinking and during my marriage, because
of my disease and unhappiness.....because
of the thick fog i was in, i reached out to
many unhealthy forms of habits in search
for the quick fix to make me happy.
I am one to say that i was far from
being perfect....but tried like heck to be.
All those unhealthy fixes only caused more
harm than good in the long run.
Sure the affairs were exciting. Sure the
secret was exciting at the time....but soon
after the remorse and guilt came into play.
The more guilt and shame and remorse i
had, the more i drank at the time to numb
those feelings.
Then the longer i kept those secrets locked
up inside me the more unhappier i became.
I really didnt want to behave like that and really
wanted my marriage to work.....however when
i was in the before and after recovery i began
to change where i left love ones behind fending
for themselves.
I changed alot in recovery for the good and not
bad....i continued to grow and thus learned
about good habits to practice in order to stay
sober one more day.
When i finally let go of the secrets i had locked
up inside and admitted what i was doing was
totally wrong then i was released and set free.
The key of that burden was turned and the door
to a new window of life opened for me.
I remember hearing once on Dr. Phil that if u
cant be honest in ur relationship or marriage
then get out. Why keep ur partner in the dark
not knowing what u r doing behind his/her back.
That to me stayed in my mind for a long time.
And since i didnt want to hurt my spouse with
the details then i needed to move on and set
him free.....he didnt deserve to be second best,
if the love we once had was gone.
I did set him free and hope he's found happiness
like i have. No one ever has to suffer because
of our defects of character.
AA has set me on the right path to live in an
honest relationship and thus the reward is
being happy joyous and free.
Thanks for letting me share.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by aasharon90 
if u cant be honest in ur relationship or marriage then get out. Why keep ur partner in the dark
not knowing what u r doing behind his/her back.
not knowing what u r doing behind his/her back.
Please don't be offended by this Sharon, and I know there are plenty of people in recovery who are philanderers, it goes hand-in-hand with our disease. I've engaged in emotional affairs myself. But I've shared on SR many times that I despise my kids step-dad. I don't have to like someone who commits adultery, and participates in the break-up of a marriage and a family. I don't have to be friends with that person, I only have to tolerate their presence in my children's life.
Sorry for being outspoken, but this topic really triggers some negative emotions with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
No intent to aggrivate anyone with this
topic. I guess for myself i just wanted
to share my own ESH about it.
Ur absolutely right about all the philandering
that goes on in recovery just there as it is
for those not in one.
Emotional and physical ones.
Im still in aw about what happened to me
that to share my own ESH can possibly shed
some light and hope for another that is in
the same situation.
For me, the seach for something or someone
to fill in the void i was having in my own
life. I knew all that i was doing was wrong
yet i continued to followthat same path
causing more distruction then necessary.
I cant say what if this happened or that
then i would have stayed faithful.......We
did try counciling together and i was
excluded in the sessions........I got sober
and my spouse went to several meetings
to only learn the word detachment.
Anyway....my marriage was formed for
a reason....maybe it was to bring 2
wonderful smart kids into the world....
be there for them and get them to the
point where they were strong enough
to be on their own.
In which i did....i did the best i could
given what i had and as far as the marriage....
maybe it wasnt suppose to stay together.
There was another plan for me and so things
happened as they will and here i am in a
better position to with stand whatever is
in store for me down the road.
Philandering, unfaithfulness is common and
I know that....but to keep the other person
in the dark about it is not right.....and i knew
that....i prayed about it and cried until the
opportunity came for me to get out of the
marriage and not have to live a lie any longer.
That was the key to be set free.
Thanks for letting me share.
topic. I guess for myself i just wanted
to share my own ESH about it.
Ur absolutely right about all the philandering
that goes on in recovery just there as it is
for those not in one.
Emotional and physical ones.
Im still in aw about what happened to me
that to share my own ESH can possibly shed
some light and hope for another that is in
the same situation.
For me, the seach for something or someone
to fill in the void i was having in my own
life. I knew all that i was doing was wrong
yet i continued to followthat same path
causing more distruction then necessary.
I cant say what if this happened or that
then i would have stayed faithful.......We
did try counciling together and i was
excluded in the sessions........I got sober
and my spouse went to several meetings
to only learn the word detachment.
Anyway....my marriage was formed for
a reason....maybe it was to bring 2
wonderful smart kids into the world....
be there for them and get them to the
point where they were strong enough
to be on their own.
In which i did....i did the best i could
given what i had and as far as the marriage....
maybe it wasnt suppose to stay together.
There was another plan for me and so things
happened as they will and here i am in a
better position to with stand whatever is
in store for me down the road.
Philandering, unfaithfulness is common and
I know that....but to keep the other person
in the dark about it is not right.....and i knew
that....i prayed about it and cried until the
opportunity came for me to get out of the
marriage and not have to live a lie any longer.
That was the key to be set free.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Your right....there's no excuse to have an affair
whether ur an alcoholic or addict or straight.
None what so ever. Is so easy to put the blame
on anything and everything but ones self.
For me I do take full responsiblity of my
conduct and because of that i couldnt
stay in a relationship that I tainted.
Issues that we dont want to face
but rather run from, or take the easy
way out of.....instead of working thru
them maybe because we never knew
how to or just scared to.....
Any excuse ......
I can imagine if my spouse cheated on
me how i would feel.....there were times
i wished he had just so we could be
even......sick thinking....right?
However i own what i did and thru recovery
not only do i know that taking a drink will
kill me but also being dishonest and unfaithful
will destroy me.
Some lessons are hard to learn but can be learned.
And in doing so makes me more of a trustworthy
person.
I remain teachable.
whether ur an alcoholic or addict or straight.
None what so ever. Is so easy to put the blame
on anything and everything but ones self.
For me I do take full responsiblity of my
conduct and because of that i couldnt
stay in a relationship that I tainted.
Issues that we dont want to face
but rather run from, or take the easy
way out of.....instead of working thru
them maybe because we never knew
how to or just scared to.....
Any excuse ......
I can imagine if my spouse cheated on
me how i would feel.....there were times
i wished he had just so we could be
even......sick thinking....right?
However i own what i did and thru recovery
not only do i know that taking a drink will
kill me but also being dishonest and unfaithful
will destroy me.
Some lessons are hard to learn but can be learned.
And in doing so makes me more of a trustworthy
person.
I remain teachable.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I have no one to be faithful to, and am celibate anyway, so have no worries in this department.
I must say, I don't understand the point of this thread, unless it is a confessional booth. And a confessional booth is meant to be private... is it not?
I must say, I don't understand the point of this thread, unless it is a confessional booth. And a confessional booth is meant to be private... is it not?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
This is not a confession. But a means to
allow others who maybe going thru problems
with infidelity to know that keeping it a secret
and numbing it with drugs or alcohol doesnt
clear up the problem.
But it's becoming honest as quickly as u
can without hurting the other person.
Its the dishonesty and and distrust u
keep from ur sugnifficant other that
is harmful.
Nothing to hide here and happy
to be an open book....
Happy to share what happened to me
about unfathfulness, recovery and
how to be happy joyous and free.
in all my affairs.
allow others who maybe going thru problems
with infidelity to know that keeping it a secret
and numbing it with drugs or alcohol doesnt
clear up the problem.
But it's becoming honest as quickly as u
can without hurting the other person.
Its the dishonesty and and distrust u
keep from ur sugnifficant other that
is harmful.
Nothing to hide here and happy
to be an open book....
Happy to share what happened to me
about unfathfulness, recovery and
how to be happy joyous and free.
in all my affairs.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
I'm not sure if this is on topic or not, so forgive me if it's not, but this reminds me of a question my husband recently asked.
He has been reading through the steps and wanted to know if, when an alcoholic/addict gets to step 9, making amends to a spouse would include confessing infidelity. He is a firm believer that lying is wrong, for any and all reasons, so if you're trying to make amends and you were unfaithful and you DON'T confess that, then you're not truly making amends because you're still lying to your spouse.
I told him that while I can't speak definitively on this because I'm not working the steps with a sponsor, everything I've read and heard suggests that when you're making amends, you're only supposed to do so when it's to benefit your relationship with that person... you should not use amends as a confessional, to relieve your own guilty conscience, or when the amends would cause more harm than good to the person. I told him that leads me to believe that confessing infidelity would not necessarily be a part of the amends process, and that I believe it would depend very heavily on the individuals involved and the overall strength of their relationship.
Opinions?
Just for the record, I've never been unfaithful.
He has been reading through the steps and wanted to know if, when an alcoholic/addict gets to step 9, making amends to a spouse would include confessing infidelity. He is a firm believer that lying is wrong, for any and all reasons, so if you're trying to make amends and you were unfaithful and you DON'T confess that, then you're not truly making amends because you're still lying to your spouse.
I told him that while I can't speak definitively on this because I'm not working the steps with a sponsor, everything I've read and heard suggests that when you're making amends, you're only supposed to do so when it's to benefit your relationship with that person... you should not use amends as a confessional, to relieve your own guilty conscience, or when the amends would cause more harm than good to the person. I told him that leads me to believe that confessing infidelity would not necessarily be a part of the amends process, and that I believe it would depend very heavily on the individuals involved and the overall strength of their relationship.
Opinions?
Just for the record, I've never been unfaithful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
That is exactly true about making amends
and in doing so would injure others.
All situations are different and should be
delt in whatever manner seems to fit.
If one was unfaithful while during their
drinking/drugging history and worked
the steps and his life changed because
of working those steps and so did the
behaviors, then if they saw fit to explain
or share with their spouse then i would see no
harm....but there's no guarantee
what the outcome would be.....would
the spouse be forgiving or not?
Most of the time when 2 people in the
family are working some sort of program
then both are aware of behaviors
good or bad where done under the
influence.
However its a chance one may take.
If u think that u can not stop say the
philandering even after u sober/clean
up, then be honest with urself and
get out of the marriage instead of
harboring that secret from ur spouse.
It's not fair nor is it their fault that you cant
stay faithful. Right?
and in doing so would injure others.
All situations are different and should be
delt in whatever manner seems to fit.
If one was unfaithful while during their
drinking/drugging history and worked
the steps and his life changed because
of working those steps and so did the
behaviors, then if they saw fit to explain
or share with their spouse then i would see no
harm....but there's no guarantee
what the outcome would be.....would
the spouse be forgiving or not?
Most of the time when 2 people in the
family are working some sort of program
then both are aware of behaviors
good or bad where done under the
influence.
However its a chance one may take.
If u think that u can not stop say the
philandering even after u sober/clean
up, then be honest with urself and
get out of the marriage instead of
harboring that secret from ur spouse.
It's not fair nor is it their fault that you cant
stay faithful. Right?
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
trying so hard
the confessing of infidelity I did in step 5.
I had harmed my wife by my conduct before I got sober.She knew what I had done,but she did not know who with or how many times.I did not tell her,and I do not do that stuff anymore,I have no desire too.Then came a day when we had a long series of talks after I was sober 10 years.We discussed it in a general way then.She and I both was able to handle it by that time.
the confessing of infidelity I did in step 5.
I had harmed my wife by my conduct before I got sober.She knew what I had done,but she did not know who with or how many times.I did not tell her,and I do not do that stuff anymore,I have no desire too.Then came a day when we had a long series of talks after I was sober 10 years.We discussed it in a general way then.She and I both was able to handle it by that time.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Sharon:
Thank you for your input. I agree, there would be no guarantees. I think, as far as my husband specifically goes, it would be a deal-breaker because he's told me on more than one occasion that the one thing he could never live with is infidelity. However, if I had that to confess to him, should that knowledge be a factor in my decision of whether or not to tell him? (I hope that question makes sense... would it be right for someone in recovery to WITHHOLD amends because they fear the consequences?)
You are also correct when you say it is not fair to that spouse, nor is it their fault, if the other spouse (the unfaithful one) can not stay faithful. I believe this is true regardless of whether someone is in recovery or not.
Bballdad:
Thank you as well. I appreciate any and all input. What if your wife had no prior knowledge of your actions? Do you think you would have still confessed to her? I agree that it's not necessary to share all the gory details... some things are better left unsaid and do NO ONE any good. Best wishes to you.
Thank you for your input. I agree, there would be no guarantees. I think, as far as my husband specifically goes, it would be a deal-breaker because he's told me on more than one occasion that the one thing he could never live with is infidelity. However, if I had that to confess to him, should that knowledge be a factor in my decision of whether or not to tell him? (I hope that question makes sense... would it be right for someone in recovery to WITHHOLD amends because they fear the consequences?)
You are also correct when you say it is not fair to that spouse, nor is it their fault, if the other spouse (the unfaithful one) can not stay faithful. I believe this is true regardless of whether someone is in recovery or not.
Bballdad:
Thank you as well. I appreciate any and all input. What if your wife had no prior knowledge of your actions? Do you think you would have still confessed to her? I agree that it's not necessary to share all the gory details... some things are better left unsaid and do NO ONE any good. Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
We do alot of off the wall things when we
are under the enfluence. Many things we
regret doing. There are things we dont want
to let go or change in our behavior either and
there r consequences we have to face for them.
There r people we hurt because of those
bad behaviors...family, friends.....love ones.
Whats good about being in recovery, we
learn we dont have to repeat those same
bad behaviors anymore.....maybe just
not today.....
Today for me im grateful that i dont
have to live in fear of being caught
making a mistake. Im grateful to have
been given a second change to have
a new relationship today based on
honesty and trust.
That its a gift in its self and as well
as my sobriety.
are under the enfluence. Many things we
regret doing. There are things we dont want
to let go or change in our behavior either and
there r consequences we have to face for them.
There r people we hurt because of those
bad behaviors...family, friends.....love ones.
Whats good about being in recovery, we
learn we dont have to repeat those same
bad behaviors anymore.....maybe just
not today.....
Today for me im grateful that i dont
have to live in fear of being caught
making a mistake. Im grateful to have
been given a second change to have
a new relationship today based on
honesty and trust.
That its a gift in its self and as well
as my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 63
Thank goodness I can post something I'm proud of. I've never had an affair/been unfaithful in my life!
I have to say, regarding confessing to your partner, in making "amends" in the step thingy... when it says not to make amends if it could cause damage... or whatever it exactly says (sorry I haven't done the steps or read them, only heard about them)... anyhow (yes I am going to get to a point eventually) I think you HAVE to confess infidelity to a partner. It's just too darn important.
I know I would want to know if someone had been unfaithful to me. I think it's my right. I expect faithfulness and if you've been unfaithful I expect to be told, no matter how hurt it makes me feel. Keeping someone in the dark because "what they don't know can't hurt them" and using the "clause" in the step about not hurting people as an excuse is not good enough.
Just my opinion though, I'm no expert. I just know I'd be horrified to find out my partner had been unfaithful and not told me.
I have to say, regarding confessing to your partner, in making "amends" in the step thingy... when it says not to make amends if it could cause damage... or whatever it exactly says (sorry I haven't done the steps or read them, only heard about them)... anyhow (yes I am going to get to a point eventually) I think you HAVE to confess infidelity to a partner. It's just too darn important.
I know I would want to know if someone had been unfaithful to me. I think it's my right. I expect faithfulness and if you've been unfaithful I expect to be told, no matter how hurt it makes me feel. Keeping someone in the dark because "what they don't know can't hurt them" and using the "clause" in the step about not hurting people as an excuse is not good enough.
Just my opinion though, I'm no expert. I just know I'd be horrified to find out my partner had been unfaithful and not told me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 63
Oh and another thing. I don't think anyone does something under the influence that they really don't want to do.
Drinking takes away inhibitions, sure, but it doesn't make you do things you don't want to do.
It doesn't matter how many drinks I've had, being unfaithful is not in my character.
Drinking takes away inhibitions, sure, but it doesn't make you do things you don't want to do.
It doesn't matter how many drinks I've had, being unfaithful is not in my character.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
If you have the disease of alcoholism or
an addict then many things we did do
under the influence was at many points
was uncontrolable. If u r in recovery
you know this....
When i got sober and the fog cleared
i was aware of all my actions, good
and bad.
I lost control and my life was unmanage-
able.....and it took recieving the tools
and knowledge of our program to help
me understand my actions while under
the enfluence.
I was raised with the knowledge of
right and wrong. I had the knowledge
of morals and values.
But due to the physical and verbal
abuse i sustained as a child all the
way till i was 18 i replaced everything
with fears and insecurities. Lack of
self-esteem.
All one can do is wish for someone to
love them and praise them for their
goods done......
Instead of getting what I needed
right there in the home place as
a child i learned it out on my own.
I searched for love in all the wrong
people, places and things.....
Sure my spouse knew what all i
had done as soon as i got sober
with the intention of not drinking
or repeating old habits again as
long as we lived together.
I guess i couldnt forgive myself
for all the things i did when i was
drinking.
It's taken time to heal, and with help
and guidance from above I can live
today without guilt or shame nor fear.
an addict then many things we did do
under the influence was at many points
was uncontrolable. If u r in recovery
you know this....
When i got sober and the fog cleared
i was aware of all my actions, good
and bad.
I lost control and my life was unmanage-
able.....and it took recieving the tools
and knowledge of our program to help
me understand my actions while under
the enfluence.
I was raised with the knowledge of
right and wrong. I had the knowledge
of morals and values.
But due to the physical and verbal
abuse i sustained as a child all the
way till i was 18 i replaced everything
with fears and insecurities. Lack of
self-esteem.
All one can do is wish for someone to
love them and praise them for their
goods done......
Instead of getting what I needed
right there in the home place as
a child i learned it out on my own.
I searched for love in all the wrong
people, places and things.....
Sure my spouse knew what all i
had done as soon as i got sober
with the intention of not drinking
or repeating old habits again as
long as we lived together.
I guess i couldnt forgive myself
for all the things i did when i was
drinking.
It's taken time to heal, and with help
and guidance from above I can live
today without guilt or shame nor fear.
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