SavageHurricane

I am struggling with this aspect of your post. I do not believe your actions under the influence are uncontrollable. Perhaps with the exception of arguing and being emotional... but those aren't "actions" as such... Oh, and falling over, that's pretty unavoidable.

I have taken all kinds of drugs, including acid and magic mushrooms and at ALL times knew exactly what I was doing. Hallucinations were out of my control, but not my actions.

Same goes with drinking. You can do and say things you regret. But to go through all the physical steps required to have an affair?

I just can't accept drinking as a "cause" or "excuse" for having an affair. You said it's not an excuse, but to say you were not able to control it because of the drinking is the same thing.

We can always agree to disagree, of course.

SummerSkye

Hi, sorry to disagree but alcohol can make you do things that you don't want to do. I have done many things while drunk that I would have never done sober and I know that I did not want to do them, it is unfortunately sometimes part of being an alcoholic, the nasty consequences of being under the influence and becoming and entirely different person than your true self. I personally haven't been unfaithful though.

SavageHurricane

SummerSkye, you don't have to be sorry for disagreeing. Opinions are like butts, we've all got one.

I would love to hear what other people think on this topic... maybe I should start a new thread instead of hijacking this one.

SummerSkye

Yep that's a great idea for a thread. Its funny one of my friends and I were chatting last night and he said that when people are drunk thay can talk about things that they can't talk about while sober, I do agree with that but I also know that a lot of what I talked about while drunk was complete rubbish!

mle-sober

When you write a thread like this, you are putting yourself out there as a representative of adulterous partners.

I think it's just really hard for me to relate. I don't understand. It sounds like you are feeling joyful and free. And I know that's a good thing. And to attach your joy to your recovery from addiction makes sense to me. But to attach it to your finally understanding how you've hurt your spouse and how you subsequently freed yourself from your dishonest relationship with him - it just seems selfish. And it makes me mad.

I'm glad you're sober and clean. And I celebrate that with you. And part of recovery is sometimes learning how to be honest and how to look deeply at your own history. And I think that's what you're trying to do here. I can appreciate that.

But I think you are running the risk of angering many people because you seem so happy to have - I don't know - "weathered?" - the storm of your own infidelity. There's no pride to be taken in that, in my opinion.

SavageHurricane

lol!

The only thing worse than talking rubbish while drinking is listening to someone else talk rubbish while drinking... oh how much rubbish we ramble on about.

Hang on, I talk rubbish when sober too! *sigh*

aasharon90

My intentions were not to offend anyone.

It ok too look at ur faults with a fine tooth
comb or thru a magafying glass.

Recognizing faults with clearer vision
is great. Allows one to see them and
hopefully not repeat them again.


For me this is another hard lesson
I had to learn in life and finally
i understand my actions as a
result of my drinking.

I am grateful and I am joyful because
if i had not worked my program to
the best of my ability id still be
making those same mistakes as
before.

It's hard to share how i feel when
I say it was my HP doing for me
what I couldnt do for myself.

And for that i am happy joyous and
free.....

Freedom meaning im carrying no
baggage from the past.

Thanks for letting me share and
and thanks for all those who
shared. As i mentioned above,
no intention to upset anyone.

gerryP

Your posting sounds to me like you are answering someone else's question yet you posted the thread. Who are you trying to convince, us or yourself?

gerryP

Oh...and just because you had numerous extra marital affairs and others also have, EVERYBODY doesn't, drunk, sober or otherwise.

gerryP

One other thing...I think when they say "sharing your experience, strength and hope, they mean when asked for it. MO

mle-sober

gerryP - I think your being a little harsh here. She has every right to initiate a thread sharing her experience, strength, and hope. I don't think she has ulterior motives. I think she truly feels she has something to share that some might find helpful. And I bet she's right.

The problem is, those of us who have NOT cheated on our partners and have, in fact, been cheated on don't find this sharing of her story very inspiring. To find that your spouse cheated on you is horrifying. Then to stumble across someone else who cheated on their spouse and is now talking happily about how much joy and strength she has in her life due to discovering the power of honesty and to freeing herself from her former relationship. I just can't help wondering if her prior spouse has half the joy that she now has.

It's just a super touchy subject. I guess I just think that the joy and happiness part could be better related to sobriety. And then the learning and regret could be related to making changes in her relationship. There's so much pain there - long lasting, deep, sad, lingering, scraping, bleeding pain. It hurts so much. And then someone comes along and sings, "This was good for me!! I learned so much!! I left him because he shut me out in therapy! And now I'm healed!"

But you know, I can't help thinking, well, gosh. Has he healed? And then I get led down the path to, "And have I healed?" And I haven't. So I can't understand this post. How can there be so much joy when you caused so much suffering?

gerryP

mle,

..."But I think you are running the risk of angering many people because you seem so happy to have - I don't know "weathered" the storm of your own infidelity, there's no pride in that to be taken in that, in my opinion"

You posted your opinion and I posted mine. My post was directed to Sharon. Further, if you are suggesting that Sharon's post has triggered pain as a result of an affair by an ex spouse of mine, or the other way around, you are incorrect. I am not married yet. I say this respectfully, I'm not needing your interpretation of what Sharon was getting at in her thread and subsequent posts, but thanks anyway.

Tommyh

trying so hard,if my wife did not know,I would not have told her,but she caught me years earlier.

aasharon90

This is a touchy subject and do understand.

Please dont read it if it will upset u.



Let me see if i can explain this without upsetting
anyone because thats not the intent. I see this
what im trying to say as a lesson learned but
want to share my ESH about it so maybe someone
possibly going thru the same similar situation will
know they are not alone and that it can be resolved.

First....it takes someone whose been there done that
to understand where im coming from. If uve not
experienced affairs then u wont understand.....
To have an affair there's got to be a reason
behind it, right? If u r happy in ur marriage and
ur recieving emotional, physical, spiritual, finacial
support then there's no need to look outside
of it. Right?

If you have one spouse drinking/using and the
other not, then the marriage is unbalanced.

The one drinking finds outlets, like bars and
friends to relate to. Right?

The other spouse feels left out im sure. But they
are the normal party in this relationship.

Rehab comes into play and the sick person
gets help and is now in recovery. Changes
accure in that person for the better because
of following a recovery program. However
the normal spouse if doesnt have a program
doesnt understand these changes and thus
the marriage is unbalanced.

The one in recovery feels alone still and
reaches out to others in recovery and
finds someone whose understanding,
support, etc.

The affair accurs to fill in the void they
are lacking in the marriage.

Long after the marriage is over the
affair lingers yet the person in recovery
has learned so much in recovery and yet
has a hard time letting go of the crutch
they have with the affair.

The other person involved in the affair
wants to continue on with the affair
while the other one in recovery needs
to end it because by now they know
its wrong and unhealthy.

Havin tried countless times to end it with
no luck for fear of making that other party
mad, prayers and program come into play
for strength to end this situation.

For what this person could not do by
themselves it was the Power greater
than themself that intervened and
did what was necessary. Doing for
them what they couldnt do by themselves.

It was like a huge burden lifted off that
person shoulders. The weight of the
world lifted.

It was then that this person felt free
to move on with their life because
there was no secrets to hide.

Sure the other person involved
didnt understand what happened
However they should because they
are in recovery too.

With wanting to end this relationship
and had tried many times to only
fail and then with help from Above
the relationship was severed.

Until the baggage was lifted there would
be no way to move on to a healthier
relationship.

Hope that makes sense.


He who is without sin cast the
first stone.

SavageHurricane

I hope you don't take offence, but you sound like you're making excuses still. You don't have an affair if you're not getting support from your husband. You either work on it or you leave. You don't drink and have affairs. You should simply say "I had an affair and I was deadly wrong to do so and it was totally my fault."

As for getting help from "Above" to end the relationship, I'm not sure who your "Above" is but I know God would never assist in ending a marriage. That goes against all biblical teaching. "What God has joined together let no man tear assunder."

Astro

I'd like to point out something here.

Sharon M. has been a well-respected member of SR since 2005. Every single post of Sharon's that I've read has been interpreted as something to inspire thought, it's always given me reason to pause and contemplate some aspect of my life in recovery.

This post is no different. Once again it's provided me with something to consider about my former relationships, and the trusting and loving relationship I have with my fiance.

How about chilling out and being gentle with each other?

SavageHurricane

I know, I know, I'm just stubborn at making a point.

I should learn when enough is enough.

aasharon90

2005....is that all..! Thought I was
here longer than that.

Taking the good in with the bad.

Boy, if only i had all this knowledge
and wisdom way back when. Well
its still never to learn.

With all the newcomers coming
into recovery and as they look
to us old-timers for experience,
strength and hope we'd hope
to have some to give them
in all aspects of life.

Im just one of those slow learner,
but hey i still remain teachable.

And anyway.....i really dont want
to know it all....because if i did
i may get the big head and think
its ok to go back out and drink.

And Lord have mercy if i do.

Maybe i can learn a few things from
the new generation of newcomers.

Thanks for letting me share.