So the AA guy brings me wine
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To any of y'all who might be thinking I AM NUTS, the guy admitted to me tonight he is an active crack smoker. Then he had the nerve to send an email to me saying "DRUNK" Aye, aye, aye. All SR people I love ya, but I can't take this. I shall reconvene after I get it together and move past this. :ghug
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I don't mean to rub anything in here katie but you met someone who sounds like a weirdo...nothing to do with AA or what town you live in.
For Gods sake cut all contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
For Gods sake cut all contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
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Originally Posted by stone 
I don't mean to rub anything in here katie but you met someone who sounds like a weirdo...nothing to do with AA or what town you live in.
For Gods sake cut all contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
For Gods sake cut all contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
I am going to my Dr. today (again!) and I am going to be honest (again!). The antidepressants just don't work for me. If I have to hang out in bed I will, but I'd really prefer to get past it.
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Originally Posted by nelco
Can we please stop discussing this as if its anything to do with AA its very damaging for new members.I have learned to own my own bwhavoiur and sometimes that means saying no .....in every area of my life, AA is not a dating agency
I have heard over and over again from my sponser and others that relationships in early recovery can be very dangerous. We need to have a relationship with ourselves before we can have one with another and that takes work...
I have heard over and over again from my sponser and others that relationships in early recovery can be very dangerous. We need to have a relationship with ourselves before we can have one with another and that takes work...
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Originally Posted by TheWonkydonkey
I keep looking at this thread and it makes less and less sense
How is this guy anything to do with AA?
"This guy from the AA brings me wine"
but then you say he didn't go to AA?
Eh?
How is this guy anything to do with AA?
"This guy from the AA brings me wine"
but then you say he didn't go to AA?
Eh?
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Katie.... 
I'm glad you are going to your doctor today.
Okay, so the guy is in AA. I am sorry you had such a bad experience, but in no way does one person or even a handful represent the organization as a whole. AA (or any organization) cannot control people...they merely set up guidelines for people to follow and sometimes a few bad folks do go to these meetings. There are bad people EVERYWHERE and they come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
You don't have to go to AA if you don't want to...but I hope you understand that trusting that guy for a second time was a potentially dangerous thing to do. Frankly, I'm worried about you.
I'm glad you are going to your doctor today.
Okay, so the guy is in AA. I am sorry you had such a bad experience, but in no way does one person or even a handful represent the organization as a whole. AA (or any organization) cannot control people...they merely set up guidelines for people to follow and sometimes a few bad folks do go to these meetings. There are bad people EVERYWHERE and they come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
You don't have to go to AA if you don't want to...but I hope you understand that trusting that guy for a second time was a potentially dangerous thing to do. Frankly, I'm worried about you.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Katie, how did you meet this guy? How do you know he really does go to AA? And if he does...
just because a person goes to AA meetings, doesn't really mean they are part of AA. I go to AA meetings on occasion and don't consider myself in the program. Of course, I'm not drinking or taking any other drugs. This person sounds like someone who is actively drinking and smoking crack, and maybe when things are really bad or they are feeling remorseful, they go to an AA meeting. Of course, I could be wrong.
just because a person goes to AA meetings, doesn't really mean they are part of AA. I go to AA meetings on occasion and don't consider myself in the program. Of course, I'm not drinking or taking any other drugs. This person sounds like someone who is actively drinking and smoking crack, and maybe when things are really bad or they are feeling remorseful, they go to an AA meeting. Of course, I could be wrong.
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Amazing thread really.
I don't know the in's and out's of your experience with AA memebers, meetings - or even that with drugs and alcohol. If I might relate a bit of my own experience - you can take it or leave it, or spit it back at me.
No one else is to blame for the mistakes I have made, or will continue to make. To get well, if I am indeed "well" - it had to be about me.
What I notice in this thread is the blame on this guy - the active AA who takes you out and drinks, smokes crack, buys you wine. I might say that it all seems a bit, contrived.
I think there are some much bigger issues at this point than "13th stepping"....
(Let me add - I do not condone predatory acts by men or women in AA. When I say that there are bigger issues at hand - I am speaking only of active alcoholism and the absolute horror of it.)
I don't know the in's and out's of your experience with AA memebers, meetings - or even that with drugs and alcohol. If I might relate a bit of my own experience - you can take it or leave it, or spit it back at me.
No one else is to blame for the mistakes I have made, or will continue to make. To get well, if I am indeed "well" - it had to be about me.
What I notice in this thread is the blame on this guy - the active AA who takes you out and drinks, smokes crack, buys you wine. I might say that it all seems a bit, contrived.
I think there are some much bigger issues at this point than "13th stepping"....
(Let me add - I do not condone predatory acts by men or women in AA. When I say that there are bigger issues at hand - I am speaking only of active alcoholism and the absolute horror of it.)
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I am sorry that this happened to you...
I tried AA and was swarmed by 13 steppers and felt violated. I was already so nervous about going and I haven't been back since. I have been contemplating a womens group now for some time.
I tried AA and was swarmed by 13 steppers and felt violated. I was already so nervous about going and I haven't been back since. I have been contemplating a womens group now for some time.
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Originally Posted by sugErspun
Amazing thread really.
I don't know the in's and out's of your experience with AA memebers, meetings - or even that with drugs and alcohol. If I might relate a bit of my own experience - you can take it or leave it, or spit it back at me.
No one else is to blame for the mistakes I have made, or will continue to make. To get well, if I am indeed "well" - it had to be about me.
What I notice in this thread is the blame on this guy - the active AA who takes you out and drinks, smokes crack, buys you wine. I might say that it all seems a bit, contrived.
I think there are some much bigger issues at this point than "13th stepping"....
(Let me add - I do not condone predatory acts by men or women in AA. When I say that there are bigger issues at hand - I am speaking only of active alcoholism and the absolute horror of it.)
I don't know the in's and out's of your experience with AA memebers, meetings - or even that with drugs and alcohol. If I might relate a bit of my own experience - you can take it or leave it, or spit it back at me.
No one else is to blame for the mistakes I have made, or will continue to make. To get well, if I am indeed "well" - it had to be about me.
What I notice in this thread is the blame on this guy - the active AA who takes you out and drinks, smokes crack, buys you wine. I might say that it all seems a bit, contrived.
I think there are some much bigger issues at this point than "13th stepping"....
(Let me add - I do not condone predatory acts by men or women in AA. When I say that there are bigger issues at hand - I am speaking only of active alcoholism and the absolute horror of it.)
There are so many AA zealots in this thread, I don't know what to say. Try going to your first meeting 32 years ago and come back and talk to me.
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Originally Posted by Toomutch
I am sorry that this happened to you...
I tried AA and was swarmed by 13 steppers and felt violated. I was already so nervous about going and I haven't been back since. I have been contemplating a womens group now for some time.
I tried AA and was swarmed by 13 steppers and felt violated. I was already so nervous about going and I haven't been back since. I have been contemplating a womens group now for some time.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Katie, I think you should just close the door on AA. It upsets you too much. Seriously, it doesn't have to have anything to do with your sobriety. Just walk away...
I hope things go well with your psychiatrist.
I hope things go well with your psychiatrist.
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I like to read threads like this, although at times it disheartens me to hear the message of recovery, especially in AA, so misconstrued and twisted. I have to agree that some of the opinions sound very zealous and normally I wouldn't even respond or offer my experience, but I'm hoping we can all take a step back and help someone who's seeking recovery feel comfortable no matter what she chooses.
First of all, someone who's active in AA does not show up bearing gifts of wine, and certainly doesn't take a newcomer to a bar and drink beer. My understanding of the word "active" in recovery means staying clean and sober, and "practicing the principles in all our affairs". But from what I've read in this thread "active" meant preying on and 13th Stepping a member of the opposite sex. It's disgusting, it's despicable, it's sickening, and it tarnishes the image of what the majority of AA'ers try to uphold.
For cryin' out loud, it's difficult enough to stay sober in early recovery without the pressures of dealing with someone trying to hit on you, whether they're male or female. I heard a woman at a CoDA meeting share a perfect suggestion: "If I want a hug, I'll ask you for it. Otherwise, stay away from me while I work on my recovery." I can respect wishes like that.
Recovery can be a high school locker room, or it can be a place for all of us to recover from our diseases and addictions. Katie, I hope you continue on your journey in recovery and discover a place where you can feel safe while you work on yourself. Please find a female sponsor and stay away from the men for awhile. This ain't exactly a hotbed of health.
First of all, someone who's active in AA does not show up bearing gifts of wine, and certainly doesn't take a newcomer to a bar and drink beer. My understanding of the word "active" in recovery means staying clean and sober, and "practicing the principles in all our affairs". But from what I've read in this thread "active" meant preying on and 13th Stepping a member of the opposite sex. It's disgusting, it's despicable, it's sickening, and it tarnishes the image of what the majority of AA'ers try to uphold.
For cryin' out loud, it's difficult enough to stay sober in early recovery without the pressures of dealing with someone trying to hit on you, whether they're male or female. I heard a woman at a CoDA meeting share a perfect suggestion: "If I want a hug, I'll ask you for it. Otherwise, stay away from me while I work on my recovery." I can respect wishes like that.
Recovery can be a high school locker room, or it can be a place for all of us to recover from our diseases and addictions. Katie, I hope you continue on your journey in recovery and discover a place where you can feel safe while you work on yourself. Please find a female sponsor and stay away from the men for awhile. This ain't exactly a hotbed of health.
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I don't think the posts have been too hostile really, people read the thread and see Katie trying to blame AA and even the town she lives in for her bad choice in associating with this guy and can't help but point this out to her...maybe some people have pointed it out a little too harshly, that is true.
The guy didn't 13 step her, they met outside of AA.
Anyway, Katie, I am sorry some people, I hope not me, have been too harsh. You made a bad choice with some guy, we ALL make bad choices, you shouldn't be castigated for that.
Like I said, I hope you cut contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
The guy didn't 13 step her, they met outside of AA.
Anyway, Katie, I am sorry some people, I hope not me, have been too harsh. You made a bad choice with some guy, we ALL make bad choices, you shouldn't be castigated for that.
Like I said, I hope you cut contact with him and concentrate on your recovery.
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I agree with FUBAR completely. We come here for support and to vent. Katie, we all screwed up, and I for one, have done dumber things when trying to get sober. So don't beat yourself up over it, we all screw up.
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Join Date: May 2004
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I quit going to meetings because people were doing dope and selling dope after meetings. I don't need to be around feral people. I've been on my own for about 4 years now. Well, I come here to SR daily.
Here's a quote for ya....
"The roads to recovery are many" - Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous
Keep coming back, or whatever.
Here's a quote for ya....
"The roads to recovery are many" - Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous
Keep coming back, or whatever.
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Katie—
Whoa, this is quite the thread. I actually really disagree with saying that there is a zealous AA tone in some of the posters here. I don't read that at all. I don't go to AA, never have, but I just think that people are expressing their concern of taking one person's actions to represent a whole which is dangerous to do no matter what group or entity is concerned. I mean all of us here are in recovery but look at our different paths and different voices. However, if you feel that for some reason there are a higher number of creeps in AA than the general population then stay away. More importantly if you feel that AA is more of a hindrance in your recovery than help then definitely stay away and find something else.
However, I feel that all the drama around AA talked about on this thread is so not the issue. You can sit here and blame external things, like AA, 13-steppers, whatever they are called, creepy dudes (god knows I have issues with predatory men), or what I think would be more beneficial to your recovery is you can ask yourself honestly and frankly "what happened here?" I see it as an issue of boundaries and this is something that you have control over although you might not realize it fully yet. I know right now in my recovery, boundaries are a major issue and being able to set them.
So you can sit here and focusing your energies outwards place a whole lot of blame and resentment on the guy and AA and the zealots that you are seeing in this forum or you can ask yourself what can I do next time to protect myself and take care of myself in this type of situation. What happens when a guy that is not in AA shows up for a date after you told him you are in recovery with wine? How about telling him you think that it is not going to work and closing the door on him? Choosing to be sober is not only choosing not to use your substance but it is also choosing to figure out ways to take care of yourself. Unfortunately it seems that you may have lapsed into your old patterns here. But that is okay because you can learn from it— that is what recovery is all about!
Whoa, this is quite the thread. I actually really disagree with saying that there is a zealous AA tone in some of the posters here. I don't read that at all. I don't go to AA, never have, but I just think that people are expressing their concern of taking one person's actions to represent a whole which is dangerous to do no matter what group or entity is concerned. I mean all of us here are in recovery but look at our different paths and different voices. However, if you feel that for some reason there are a higher number of creeps in AA than the general population then stay away. More importantly if you feel that AA is more of a hindrance in your recovery than help then definitely stay away and find something else.
However, I feel that all the drama around AA talked about on this thread is so not the issue. You can sit here and blame external things, like AA, 13-steppers, whatever they are called, creepy dudes (god knows I have issues with predatory men), or what I think would be more beneficial to your recovery is you can ask yourself honestly and frankly "what happened here?" I see it as an issue of boundaries and this is something that you have control over although you might not realize it fully yet. I know right now in my recovery, boundaries are a major issue and being able to set them.
So you can sit here and focusing your energies outwards place a whole lot of blame and resentment on the guy and AA and the zealots that you are seeing in this forum or you can ask yourself what can I do next time to protect myself and take care of myself in this type of situation. What happens when a guy that is not in AA shows up for a date after you told him you are in recovery with wine? How about telling him you think that it is not going to work and closing the door on him? Choosing to be sober is not only choosing not to use your substance but it is also choosing to figure out ways to take care of yourself. Unfortunately it seems that you may have lapsed into your old patterns here. But that is okay because you can learn from it— that is what recovery is all about!
Om, Aum, Ohm...
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My first meeting was 21 years ago. Over the years, I was in and out several times. Not 32, I know, but it's been awhile. My first meeting of my current (and hopefully last) period of sobriety was November 2, 2002 when I had a few days sober.
I've read down through this thread, and I can see some defensiveness, both on your part, Katie, and on the part of folks who are trying to emphasize one fact you mentioned, but don't seem willing again to acknowledge: that you didn't meet him in AA and you didn't know he was in AA until he told you he was on the telephone.
I understand the urge to point out that this guy wasn't someone you met in the rooms and that you only have his word to go on. If he does go to meetings, well, I've known quite a few people who've been 'in' AA for years but have not gotten sober for any considerable length of time (we refer to it as being 'around'). Hopefully, someday, they'll drop the rock and decide to get sober. Until then, at least in my home group, we women discourage newcomer women from being drawn in by these guys (there are women who fit the profile, too--and the men take care of that) and the other ones, too--the ones who've put together some abstinent days but still haven't got their morality caps on straight when it comes to the tenuousness of a early sobriety. We look out for our own, in other words, though there's no way we can force a woman to take the suggestions we have to offer. That's ultimately up to her.
The question you seem to be evading, no matter how many times it's been asked, is where you met this guy if not in the rooms. Because you haven't answered it, I can only guess that it's some place (maybe online?) that embarrasses you or that you think we'd judge as risky. That's okay, too--you're a big girl.
Regardless of where you met the guy, the concern in this thread seems to be that you're blaming all of AA for this one guy who says he's a member. I don't mean to belabor the point, but even if he does go to meetings, the one requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, and this guy's desires seem more directed towards getting you drunk.
If this date was the result of a risky hook-up, perhaps you might be wise to take the many suggestions in these three pages to stick with the support and company of women and focus on your sobriety for awhile.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I've read down through this thread, and I can see some defensiveness, both on your part, Katie, and on the part of folks who are trying to emphasize one fact you mentioned, but don't seem willing again to acknowledge: that you didn't meet him in AA and you didn't know he was in AA until he told you he was on the telephone.
I understand the urge to point out that this guy wasn't someone you met in the rooms and that you only have his word to go on. If he does go to meetings, well, I've known quite a few people who've been 'in' AA for years but have not gotten sober for any considerable length of time (we refer to it as being 'around'). Hopefully, someday, they'll drop the rock and decide to get sober. Until then, at least in my home group, we women discourage newcomer women from being drawn in by these guys (there are women who fit the profile, too--and the men take care of that) and the other ones, too--the ones who've put together some abstinent days but still haven't got their morality caps on straight when it comes to the tenuousness of a early sobriety. We look out for our own, in other words, though there's no way we can force a woman to take the suggestions we have to offer. That's ultimately up to her.
The question you seem to be evading, no matter how many times it's been asked, is where you met this guy if not in the rooms. Because you haven't answered it, I can only guess that it's some place (maybe online?) that embarrasses you or that you think we'd judge as risky. That's okay, too--you're a big girl.
Regardless of where you met the guy, the concern in this thread seems to be that you're blaming all of AA for this one guy who says he's a member. I don't mean to belabor the point, but even if he does go to meetings, the one requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, and this guy's desires seem more directed towards getting you drunk.
If this date was the result of a risky hook-up, perhaps you might be wise to take the many suggestions in these three pages to stick with the support and company of women and focus on your sobriety for awhile.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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