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Old 02-09-2009, 10:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I miss my dad

This morning I awakened early at 5:17, and set up straight up in bed, kind of in a panic. 17 years ago my father died at this exact same time, he was only 56 years old.

He lived quite an eventful life. Infact my childhood was like being brought up in a soap opera. Everything looked absolutely perfect on the outside, but I as well as the rest of my family (including dad) was hurting on the inside.

My dad owned a PVC plant, always had the best cars, looked like he walked straight out of GQ, yet I know he was never happy. He was very insecure, therefore he drank alot. He drank daily, he was out with the guys most nights, and when he did come home he and my mother had cocktail hour before dinner, he needed 3 Jack's and water befor he ate. He was also a heavy smoker.

I never viewed my dad as unhealthy, he always had a tan from golfing, fishing and boating and always kept his apperances up.

When he found that he had cancer in November of 1991, it came as a blindsided slap in the face for all of us. Not our dad - he's to strong. Three months later he died with us all by his side in Scottsdale Arizona. My dad who was 6'4" tall with a full head of perfect hair, within three months, was unrecognizable.

There was an unusual fog all around that day that suddenly lifted as my dad was taken out of the house and driven away by strangers. I can feel the pain as if it just happed this morning.

Just wanted to let these feelings out to my friends here who understand me, this will be a hard day for me, I miss my dad.
And suddenly you know... it is time to try something new and trust in new beginnings.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:45 AM   #2 (permalink)

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I understand that.

My Mom died at 69 years old from complications from smoking 4 years ago.

I still grieve her to this day.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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my father died in the morning, and i was alone with him the entire night before. man. that was a long night. i understand what you're feeling, toomutch.

i've actually been missing my dad a lot the past few days, because i went to see "gran torino" on sat and all i could think all the way through it was how much my dad would have loved that movie. oh, and my dad had a gran torino..

tough losses.

hugs, k
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand.. my father also passed away from cancer, surrounded by his family....21 years ago, but I miss him so and think of him often..
Because I was his caregiver, his wasting away wasn't the shock for me that it was for my family who didn't get to see him everyday. and He had just retired that year..


You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life that is
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I've been thinking of this more lately. Those pains of loss Toomutch...my feelings go out to you.

My dad, my hero, he was my best friend. He's been gone 13 years next month. He was a 'rock' man.... I loved him so much.

My heart is out for all you here.
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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My mom died in 1991, too. She was a month shy of her 51st birthday. The pain never completely goes away...we just have fewer bad days, and more good days when we can laugh and smile at the good memories.

I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers. We never, ever, stop missing them.
Be extra gentle with yourself, today, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

"You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. - Shania Twain

(Tinker, Elvis [RIP], Patches [RIP] and Mots - Mouth Of The South)
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

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Old 02-09-2009, 11:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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((((Suz)))) Thinking of you hun. :ghug3
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I miss my Dad too. He died of a heart attack at age 49. At the time I was 22 and I didn't realize how young 49 is. I also lived in a house that looked all pretty on the outside, but once you opened the door, it was like walking on eggshells. I know now that my Dad suffered from major depression, like myself. Back then, they just prescribed valium. He would have so much help today. His was sudden, the day after father's day, he was gone. There's a song by Mike and the Mechanics called The Living Years. I still look for it on youtube when I'm missing him. He was an avid fly fisherman, that was his escape. I have a big tattoo of a fly on my chest. I know, I'm extreme, but the art and the meaning of this keeps him close to my heart. I know he would love it.

I went to my first AA meeting alone. I thought of him alot that day, he's the only one I would have wanted there.
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I won't go all in to my thing, this is about you today, just know I understand how you feel. Loss is a very difficult thing......talk to him today....he will hear you.

The past is simply the future with the lights on...
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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During the last 3 months of dads life he asked 1 thing of me, and I let him down. He asked me to quit drinking, he thought I was far to self destructive while drinking, the situations I would end up in, my crazy personality changes and blackouts.

I quit for two years because when my dad died I was newly pregnant with Cam, and when he was 4 months old I became pregnant with Kaylee. After she was born I started drinking again, fairly responsibly, only while out of the house when the kids were with my mom. When Kaylee was 3 and went through a traumatic event, I started drinking heavily for a year and 1/2 until I ended up in the hospital. I stopped again for 7 years, until another crisis happend within our family and ended up drinking very heavily for 3 more years. On the 24th of this month I will have one year sober. Yes I've done it for myself, and my family as well.
So here's to you dad. I hope you would be proud of me...
And suddenly you know... it is time to try something new and trust in new beginnings.
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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He knows, Suzette, and he's proud of you, I'm sure of it.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I have a hard time believing you let him down, Too. My dad passed when I was quite young, and if I kept a list of things I have done/not done that would have let him down, I wouldn't have had the time to drink--I would have been inking that list.
I would bet you're a great mom, good friend, and a daughter that he would be extremely proud of today for your year of sobriety.
It's easy to think of how we would disappoint--but harder to think of how proud they would be of us--I'll bet if I asked my dad to check with yours quick--he'd say he was damn proud.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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:ghug3 I have no words, only hugs for you:ghug3
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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i miss my dad too. it's been maybe a year and a half? he was 67. i was 23.

he was a good man.

much love.
"To take for permanent
That which is only transitory
Is like the delusion of a madman."
-Kalu Rinpoche
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Old 02-09-2009, 01:25 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I sent my brother the same message I first posted here this morning and I am bawling like a baby at his responce. There hasn't been alot of talk over the details of dads life over the years. I havn't seen this brother since the day my dad died, not because I didn't want to, or he didn't want to. I have recently began talking with him again and I love him so much, he completely relates to me.

Response from brother:

I miss him OFTEN.

Every time I look at a lake or the gorgeous country around me, or my boys catching fish, I ask him if he can see this, and know that he'd love to be there. In my heart, he always is - acting like the expert on EVERYTHING, and me making fun of him when I can see he is as clueless as the rest of us

He had a lot of facades, but near the end, he occasionally let his guard down a little and I still remember how much he seemed like a scared little boy at that time, and I still get sad about seeing him like that - he would never have wanted anyone to know he wasn't perfect.

I had a lot of arguments with him those last couple of years - always about the same thing - he put money first, and I just could never get my head around that concept. To me, money is only good for what fun you can have with your family with it, but for him, it was an end in and of itself. Eventually, though, I think he realized we were just different, and he accepted my position without agreeing - but I sometimes felt like it embarrassed him that I didn't care about ever having a Mercedes or a Rolex, and probably never would.

The thing that made me the saddest about him in retrospect is that I don't know if he ever had a REAL relationship with anyone; a REAL friend; everything in his world was about appearances and money and connections, and the only people he knew (supposed friends) were people he either paid, owed money to, or they owed money to him. Thankfully, I don't have a single person on earth that I have a 'financial' relationship with - mine aren't perfect, but they're real.

For me, more died that day than Dad - Patty and Nana did too. I don't think I've ever hated anyone, but from that day on, how I felt about those two was pretty close. I will always blame Nana for making Dad be so lonely and sad - she was without a doubt the cause of it in my mind. Everything she did was fake and for show - more concerned with how it looked than what it was, and I despise that. How anyone could turn on their own child, NO MATTER why, is just shocking and appalling to me. Family meant NOTHING to those two unless there was benefit to them involved, and I never saw two bigger fakes and phonies in my life. Probably the only 2 people who NEITHER ONE ever worked a day in their life, never EARNED anything, trying to judge and dictate to those who did still makes me want to puke every time I think about it, which, thank God, is hardly ever any more.

I can walk into any bedroom in this house early in the morning and SEE and TOUCH my rewards for my efforts on this world. I can listen to them breathe, see their messsy hair and fat little hands and know that what I do MATTERS. They look like angels - and that's WAY more important than looking rich. My bank account may be empty, but my heart is always full, and I know I have so much more than I deserve, and it makes me so very happy. I really have no fear at all about death - it's been a grand life, and full of love.

Dad may have had his issues, but there was a direct cause beyond his control, and I tell myself he did the best he could with what he had, and that's all I expect of anyone.

"Don't try to tell me it ain't what it is
I'm good
At seeing signs
I'm good
At reading between the lines
There's no use in hangin on
Cuz you're good to go
And I'm good as gone"

We all end up in the same place; the road we walk to get there is what matters. I know at least one to avoid, and I thank Dad for that.
And suddenly you know... it is time to try something new and trust in new beginnings.
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Old 02-09-2009, 01:52 PM   #17 (permalink)

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Oh your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine your pain.
So glad you are able to share your feelings and know that you are cared about.
I bet your dad is very proud of you for living a sober life now!
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:17 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:19 PM   #19 (permalink)
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(((Suzette))) *sigh* I really appreciate the honesty and openness in your posts.

Dear old Mom passed away in 1998, her body riddled with cancer from a lifetime of smoking and drinking. I never wanted to admit that she was dying, hoping she'd hang in there forever. I'm thankful that God kept the life in her long enough for her to see her grandchildren born, especially her granddaughter. Mom gave birth to three boys so I know she was excited when another girl finally came into her world!

Dad's still around. He's an active alcoholic. Pessimistic, cranky as all hell, barely takes the time to get to know his grandchildren. Every weekend we get together for an hour, that's long enough for me. But.......I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with him for anything.......I never know how much longer he'll be in my life.

Treasured times and good memories, I look forward to building more of them with my children and grandchildren. Thank you for sharing.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!"
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:35 PM   #20 (permalink)
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((((Suze)))) Love ya, my friend. Jomey
Farther along, we'll know all about it,
Farther along, we'll understand why.
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