Eclipse

One of my 14 year old twin daughters is in an honors english class at school. The semester has ended so they need to clean up their papers, get new binders, etc. I was leafing through her papers and came upon something that must have been journaling for the class. There wasn't a grade on it so I don't know if it is something the teacher read. But it appears they had to write about three subjects: Funny, Unforgettable and Serious. This is what the serious part said:

My mom always seemed like the kind of person that had everything under control. I always looked up to her and respected her. One night she got drunk because she had a little too much wine. We all thought it was funny because we had never seen her like that. But she started to get drunk alot. Soon it turned into every night. My mom had developed a drinking problem. My dad talked to her and she started to cry. She called us all into her room and promised to us that she would stop. It got better until one day when my older sister went out to the car to get the groceries. In the back of the car there was two empty bottles of wine. It hadn't gotten better, she had just not gotten as drunk and had been hiding it from all of us.

I am crying so hard I can't even think. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to her again? I am devastated. But the progression is so true, they see it, they know what is going on, even though we think we are so smart. How sad that my sweet daughter has to write about her mother in a paper like that.

I made a copy of it and will carry it with me for the rest of my life and read it everytime I think I need a drink.

grateful2b

(((Eclipse)))

Mariposa18

Eclipse~ I'm sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I can only imagine how it felt to read that.As far as talking to her it depends. Did she know you were looking at the papers? She might take it as an invasion of her privacy if she didn't know, kwim? It's hard to say because teenagers are so sensitive, she will probably be very worried that she hurt your feelings.

I wish I had better advice for you Hon, but this is a tough call.

Good Luck Sweetie~

Freedom1990

I am so sorry for your pain.

As far as talking to her about it, that may have been something she needed to write but never intended for you to see. Personally I would let it be.

I had to be really careful at times what I said to my daughter after I got sober because many times it was for the wrong reason of trying to soothe my own guilt.

:ghug :ghug

Hevyn

Eclipse, would she be upset if she knew you saw the paper? If not, I think you should talk to her about it when you're not as upset & emotional (so you can expess yourself better.) This was probably meant to happen. Isn't it better that she got it out that way, instead of burying it deep inside or being in denial? She must love you so much, to be noticing what's going on with you and being concerned for you. Many teenagers are oblivious to everything around them, especially their parents. She sounds like a lovely person, and that's no coincidence.

It's a gift she's given you in a way - words that will always stay with you and help you stay away from the poison. Just keep walking forward with your head high, let them all see the real you, the one emerging from the ashes. One day the bad times will be nothing but a distant memory.

Gypsy Feet

I agree with Hevyn, she sounds like you raised a beautiful person. If she recognized you were in trouble and it bothered her then, she will recognize and appreciate your sobriety as well.

michigangirl

I am so sorry your hurting. I do not have childern, but agree with what Ueyes said. Sometimes actions are stronger than words.

Anna

Hi Eclipse,

I would not say anything to her, even though you are in so much pain.

Show her by your actions that you are getting better. She is watching you and you know that, so stay sober and she will see it.

colagirl

Oh wow, I'm sorry about that... I can't imagine how sad that must make you feel. My mom started drinking when I was in college and I too remember finding her empty wine bottles after thinking she had stopped. It was a horrible, sinking, sad feeling. Of course, I didn't let it stop me from developing the same problem! I hope this is a turning point for you, something you can hold onto to get a good footing in sobriety.

Eclipse

It was just gut wrenching to see it on paper from her and I did talk to each of them individually and told them about my drinking and promised to stop. I did for a bit, but then I really had to hide it because they were watching. I don't know how I got to this place. In the past it never really affected anyone but me...I thought...but boy can you see the progression of this even over the last 3 months.

CAPTAINZING2000

When, we start hiding our drinking, deep down most of us knew we had a problem with our drinking. Most of us never get to hear or read the thoughts of those we hurt.

Question is, what are you going to do now?

Make a change or continue trying to sneak around with your drinking.

I always tried to hide how much I was drinking from my loved ones. They knew even when, I was trying to hide it. The smell, the way we talk, glassy eyes gives us away.

CAPTAINZING2000

At least, you're admitting it's getting worse!!

Julesy

Hey Eclipse,

Wow talk about divine order. Isn't it amazing how some things just "occur" ?? Seeing that letter will give you so much more resolve to stop. If it were me I would be inclined to wait until a later time when I could honestly say "Honey, I haven't had a drink for .....days/weeks and tell her it was her letter that helped you so much.

TryingSoHard

I thought the same thing. I'm currently in the middle of finding out just how untrue that thought was. It sucks.

Big hugs for you, sweetie. We'll chat more privately.

nickishine

My friend...
I started to cry when I read your thread! I felt your heart hurting and broken! I know it may be hard right now to see ... but this could be that turning point you've been needing and wanting for you and your families life!

Eclipse... you know I care, I pray you do!!! Stay in sobriety GF..., and all this will change to right side up! You'll see amazing transformations within yourself and your family through time... each day that passes brings new hope for all of you even though you may not always see it at the time! I encourage you to seek support where you are at so you can pick up that phone or go see a friend whenever you need to... to have that lifeline that we all so desperately need! Online is good, but when you are raising children, working and being a wife... it can be taxing time-wise, I'm assuming. Please trust someone to let them in on your drinking! I'm so praying for you, C!

Give "time", "time" before talking to your daughter just yet. Let the emotions cool and settle, and wait until there's a little more peace within yourself before deciding on that route. It may be one to not pursue altogether! You'll know in time!

In the meantime, please do not drink to ease your heartache!! I care deeply about you and am extremely grateful that you trusted us here to share your pain!

Love to you! Nicki :ghug3:ghug:ghug3

Coolmummy

That's made me cry too, cos I know what i am doing to my kids, I know I've hurt my eldest and hurt her for most of her life. I don't want the little ones growing up hating me too.

Horselover

So sorry Eclipse, but here's one thing you and everyone here knows. We are alcoholics and because of the alcoholism we are drawn to the poison and will do anything to get it at times. Okay that being said does not mean we don't have control through a higher power to stop the insanity, but we are ALL capable of secret drinking. You are not a lesser human being and you are not a lesser parent because in all other ways I bet you outshine a lot of other parents. So first off don't let all your self esteem be flushed down the toilet.

Your sweet daughter handled it the way we wish every child would handle the situation and eventually I bet she would have come to you IF it had continued, which I am sure and would bet my life on that it won't. There are no coincidences and you were meant to find that letter and what a tool you have for recovery in that letter. Don't use it to beat yourself up because when we destroy ourselves with guilt it can lead only one place. We are not worthy for sobriety the voice tells us and then we believe it. You are worthy and your daughter thinks you are also.

I bet journaling might even help you with this situation too. Your daughter will one day come to you when she feels comfortable and you WILL have the talk you are seeking, but as the others have said, action is worth a 1000 words.

Again, I am so sorry for the pain you feel now, but don't let it be self defeating.

masseyman

This shows me how much we affect others with our problem. I have kidded myself for a long time that my kids were not being affected by my drinking. They don't notice I have always thought....even though my kids have never said anything to me about it, I know that they know...and that hurts.

I agree with 51anna, what we do speaks much more loudly than what we say. "Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks."

I'm trying to let my walk talk.

Hang in there eclipse, your daughter loves you.

least

I'm sorry you're in such pain. But, as someone's signature says: Right actions in the future are the best apology for wrong actions in the past. Your daughter will notice your sobriety.

:ghug3

Mariposa18

How are you doing today Eclipse? Thinking of you~