Toomutch

I wish I was stronger, after all I am the parent. My 15 year old daughter is breaking my heart. She is constantly disrespectful to me and act's so aloof.
She has become very popular in school, plays on the basketball team, gets good grades. For these things I should be thankful and I am, I just wish she was nicer to me.
She stayed out last night 1 hour after curfew and told me that she thought I didn't care. Telling me if I really wanted her home I should have called her and reminded her.
Today she came down and told me she was going to a friends house until 4:00 and then to another friends until the superbowl is over. I said no and to be home at 4:00. Thats when the fit throwing started. Saying to me why would she want to be here in this boring house with me just sitting around when she could be some place fun. Telling me that I am always sick and that we never do anything exciting and that all her friends parents are having parties etc...
We have always been so close and now I am being punished for my attitude as a teenager. All I know is it hurts. All my sons spend all their free time here and this is where they like to be. I should be greatful for that. She is my youngest and a free-spirit.
I am actully crying right know, I feel like I am a failure somehow. If I ever wanted to take a drink it would be now. **** I think she liked me better that way. Besides it would numb the way I feel inside. I am just weak. What the he!! is the matter with me?
I wont drink but I am wanting to take an extra pain pill - I have never abused them before. Just 1 to take the edge off.

TryingSoHard

*HUGS*

NOTHING is the matter with you. My best friend has a 16-year old daughter and she does exactly the same kinds of things - and she is a GREAT girl. It's a combination of being a teenager, having raging female hormones, and testing boundaries. She's at that awkward age where she doesn't FEEL like a child anymore, and therefore wants more independence, but is NOT an adult and can't just be let loose to do as she pleases.

YOU are not doing ANYTHING wrong, honey!! Being a parent is absolutely the hardest job in the world. My teenage son definitely gives me fits with his attitude. But just when I feel lost and hopeless and incredibly heartbroken, his bright, kind side shows and my faith is renewed. Just hang in there.

(And for the record, it is not YOUR responsibility to make sure she comes home on time! It's HER responsibility to follow the rules that you as her parent set! Don't let her make you doubt yourself, and don't waiver in your beliefs just because she hurt your feelings. You are doing the right thing! If my teenager broke curfew and then blamed it on me, he wouldn't be setting foot out of the house AT ALL today!)

Sara9009

:ghug

Hang in there. My Nieces are all pulling the same kind of crap right now. I agree that is doesn't have anything to do with you as a parent. It's just teenagers doing what they are supposed to do. Drive everyone around them crazy.

Anna

(((Suzette)))

vegibean

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I don't know how you were when you were her age but I really didn't want to hang out with my family and do "nothing" if I knew my friends parents were having a party. That far back it wouldn't have been for alcohol either just the fact that there would be and event going on and I wouldn't want to miss it.

I don't think you should be hard on yourself or her. I think you both are feeling "normal"

Rowan

You have my sympathies. I know what it feels like to be rejected by your own daughter. I haven't seen my eldest in over 4 years even though she live in the same city - with her father. She doesn't want me in her life. I'm hoping that changes, but for now, some days it hurts. If anything, though, it keeps me working a solid recovery program. As long as I stay sober, I've got a chance at getting her back.

My 13 year old daughter lives with me and we are very close. I understand this may change as she gets older, and that's okay. Today, it's good.

Jomey

Ahhh, Suze...you know you aren't doing anything wrong....it's the age...my 13 year old neice lives with us and she just hit puberty and I swear my sweet shy little girl was replaced by a gum snapping, attitude-popping, eye rolling pain in the rearend overnight!

It's an impossible age....they want to be a little girl and a woman at the same time...my motto with all my kids when they "rage against the machine" is "Hate me now, love me later".

Hang in there. You are a good mom.

Love
Jomey

wanttolive

TooMutch,

I have a 23 yr and a 16yr old daughter and you have my sympathy! I also have a 19 yr old son and what a difference between girls and boys in my opinion. My 16 yr old likes to 'tell' me what she is going to do as well and if I object INSTANT SASSY ATTITUDE! You just have to realize it's normal teenage behavior and NOT your fault. Hang in there and don't let the stress of it all make you slip. My 23 yr. old even likes me now! She will grow out of it but be firm and stick to your guns. It doesn't sound like you are unreasonable and forcing her to stay at home 24/7 so don't feel guilty. That is the emotion they love in us because we tend to give in then! Good luck!

grateful2b

Suzette
It is so hard when they push us away at that age, especially if we have been close..
remember, you are a good mom

Katie09

(((TooMutch))) This too shall pass. I remember what a nightmare I was when I was that age. My GF said she'd never seen anyone treat their mother as I did. Try not to take this personally. It is a phase that will pass.

Impurrfect

(((Suzette)))

My niece, Brit, is 15, and we are raising her (her mom was killed in a wreck when Brit was one, dad is an active A).

She acts the same, way, but actually worse. It's the age, sweetie, and nothing that you have done wrong. She's trying to spread her wings, and find her independence. She thinks she knows everything, doesn't need her family and is pushing your boundaries and limits.

Brit has told us she hates us, that none of us love her, how boring it is here, and how she can't WAIT until she's old enough to move out. Other days, she's just fine and happy to be home. It is NOT your job to call and find out why she's late, although I'm sure if you had been really worried and she was more than an hour late you would have, because you're a good mom. However, it is your job to give her consequences of breaking curfew...that's when they really get mad.

My stepmom is a huge codie and does not give Brit ANY consequences for horrible behavior. My dad and I do. Since I am not, techinically, raising her, MY consequences generally just mean I don't talk to Brit for a while..don't bring her milkshakes from work when she asks, don't pick up her cigarettes (yes, she smokes...stepmom let her start 2 years ago and pays for them). My silence has a big impact on Brit, even though I didn't think it would. Dad has more impact, as he controls the money

As angry as Brit gets, at dad and I, she RESPECTS us more, because, I guess, a part of her knows we care enough to set limits. I've always told her, "you can get mad at me, all you want...just realize, that what I do, I do because I love you. When you're older, you'll look back, and you will understand what I did."

It's very hard, raising teenagers's in this age. Brit is gorgeous, popular, hard-headed, and has a smart-mouth. I go from loving her so much, I can't believe how blessed I am to have her in my live, to wanting to put duct tape on her mouth and strangling her...all in 5 minutes. I still wish there was a deserted island you could send teenage girls to, with NO cell phones, NO boys, NO computers, and NO TV...until they were old enough to make their own decisions...haven't found it yet

Hang in there sweetie. You're a good mom, she's just got raging hormones and she thinks she's grown. She doesn't realize that this is the time she needs her mom the most...we know better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

angie9

guggs toomuch we are goingt hrough the same with our 15 except its my husband and her that are at each others throat which is getting me very very down and if wasnt for antibuse I would be getting wasted but I cant!! They are hard things to raise and love at this stage teens so all I can say is I can relate to you
xx Ang

least

Yelling at you for always being sick?? Now that's cold - but it IS the age. It's like a contest to see who can be meaner and ruder to their parents.

As to your having to 'remind' her of the time - BS! That's her job and she knows it. Just trying to blame you for her shortcomings.

Hang in there sweetie! You're a good mom, she's just going thru a terrible phase. I should know, my youngest is almost 17 and treats me and her dad like sh!t. I no longer give in to her whiny demands... and now she asks a lot less.

You'll get thru this. Remind yourself that you are, and have been, a good mom and that this crap is on HER.

:ghug3

Aysha

I am sorry you feel like that Suzette.
I dont know how it feels because I dont have kids. But I was one. And still act like one now and then.
All I can say is thats the age when kids get like that. I know I did around 13. I didnt want to be home ever. Not because I didnt like it there or my grandparents. But because I was becoming more independant and getting friends and invites. What kid wants tro be home when they have such a busy social life goin on?
I dontn think it really has too much to do with you really. Even tho she said those hurtful things. Its typical teenage stuff I think.
There is no excuse for the disrespect. And I cant say how to handle that.
If it were me tho. I would be having quite a talking to with my kid if they did that to me.
Hang in there. Theres nothing wrong with you.
((((HUGS)))))

colagirl

Hey TM,
Sorry you're going through this

I agree that it's the age at work here... I was terrible as a teenager too. I also have an alcoholic mom and I can tell you first hand that she does NOT feel better about you when you are drinking. Take care of yourself and be careful with the pills... but you already know that .

lovinmenow

Hey Too Much,
I was a real pain in the ass when I was that age. I remember being 14 and I was fine. Then one day my older sister called my mom a bitch. I said "carol, how can you talk to mom like that?" She said, "because she lets me." Wow, after that? I treated my mom like crap. I do regret it now. SHe was a single mother with 3 teenage girls, but to me at the time I never did anything with her. We had nothing in common. I was not quite sure how to relate to her. WE were not close.

Now as an adult, I have a son. He is 21 now and I am glad I never had problems with him. Maybe it is because I changed a few things from my childhood. You know as parents we now have a choice to use some of the things our parents did well, and change some things we were not happy about. I spent a lot of time with my son from an early age. Mostly being in the same sport together and traveling together so much (once a month). Lots of time in the car to talk on trips, hotel nights gabbing, and doing our sport together, lots of practice together and we really support eachother. He also likes to cook so we cook together when he is home.

What I am really trying to get at is, maybe you can find some things you have in common and do them together. Taking a long trip alone with her may loosen her up a little and you guys can become closer. Maybe going to the gym, doing crafts, play some tennis, shoot some hoops. Take her to Victoria Secret and have a girl shopping trip. Who knows, she may realize how cool you are after all!

Sometimes you can even ask HER advice on things. My son was shocked one day when I asked his advice on how my hair should look. He says "get rid of the bangs mom." Other stuff? "What do you think of these jeans?" You are a boy you should know cause I want to look good for dad. "What should I make for dinner tonight." Here is a big one for a 15 year old. How about going to a big parking lot and teaching her some driving skills! There is so much you guys can do together.

At this age she is switching between being and adult and being a child. Sometimes you have to give her a little "line" and sometimes ya got to "real it in" a little bit.

Good luck, sorry for the rambling! I really hope it all works out.

Gold

You are not doing anything wrong. She is expressing herself and acting like a normal teenager....testing the boundaries. I have 3 teens..well the olders are now 20 and 22 and this sort of stuff is NORMAL.
It is your role to provide and enforce consistent safe respectful boundaries. That safe consistency is what gives them a strong safe sense of security. They test us and our rules to test our love. .Your daugthers behaviour is a perfect opportunity to reinforce to her your love and expectations. Take a deep breath , stay calm strong and consistent. You are doing a wonderful job.

marle

It sounds like a normal stage of development, although I know how much it hurts. My daughter is an addict in recovery, and although she is 22, she very much acts like someone much younger. She never separated from me when she was younger and we were very enmeshed which has caused a lot of problems over the years. I have read that they want that separation but are not mature enough to handle it. It is kind of like the two year old who wants to wander but keep her mother in her sights. Your daughter wants to be her own person but I would bet that she still counts on you to be there when she needs it. Once the process is done and they enter their twenties, girls usually will become close to their moms again. So hang in there. It is just your daughter wants to grow up. Nothing wrong with you for feeling a bit sad about it. Hugs, Marle

CarolD

Your the parent...not her "fun" buddy.

She broke curfew...she was wrong.
And she knows it...ergo...she is trying to blame you.

Don't give in to teenage crap.

Toomutch

Thank you for all the responses. I am feeling a bit foolish for ever posting that in the first place. I think it makes my heart break, wondering if she really does mean the cruel things she says to me.
On the other hand she can be sweet, but typically when she is getting her way.

I need to take charge and set some limits, number one on the list will be in regards to disrespect.