notproud24

Well, if anyone remembers anything i posted, i've had a serious problem with marijuana that contributed to my anxiety disorder, and now its depression.

I've quit using, and i dont see myself doing it anymore, its been about four/five months. I quit drinking, its been about a month and a half maybe. I did end up having one drink at a bar like a month ago that i did regret so i just dont do it anymore. And im done with cigarettes.

My drug abuse has caused serious problems with everything. And i know this is nothing new to hear, but i am an addict, and i'de like to post my recovery.

With my anxiety that i experience now, the overwealming feeling i've felt, marijuana only made worse. Drugs make all mental illnesses worse.

I never paniced before, and i never had anxiety until after i began smoking marijuana regularly. And now that ive quit, all the experiences that ive been through with marijuana just depresses me.

I'm just completely depressed right now.

I still go to therapy. The CBT part is kindof ******** to me, because i know what is wrong and right and i know what to think. When i experience anxiety is when i start thinking wrong. I know it all stems from marijuana.

I would smoke marijuana on a ****** day, and be happy, and thats not reality. Now when i have a ****** day i have a ****** day, and i go to sleep and wake up.

Its much easier to do things now. When i go out i dont experience panic anymore, i make eye contact again, and i work.

I want to believe that all this self pity and doubt will go away because of the small steps ive take'n to do normal things again, but im not convinsed because i havent seen it. I'm the type of person who has to see it to believe it.

I really do though, I blame alot of my problems on the fact that ive smoked marijuana for five years of my life. Its made me doubt myself.

It may seem better on paper because now i work out daily, I run, I play basketball and do push ups and everything. I'm very doubtful about the future because of the broke'n home i live in.

Ever sense i began to smoke my dad has done nothing but try to bring me down. Every time i try to let him back into my life he always tries to bring me down, and i really do not like him at all. I know this contributes to my depression because i come home and dont talk to anyone. I'm done bringing him back in and him contridicting himself and trying to make me feel worse.

My therapy sessions dont go well because of my anxiety. Its like im facing all my worse fears when talking to her, and i dont see myself getting better until those appointments go well.

I find it very hard to look into the mirror. I do it alot because of that reason. I fear the mirror.

And thats about it. Thanks for reading, good luck everyone.

ToABetterMe

I am glad to hear that you are in therapy. But sorry you are not getting out of it what you should! Have you considered looking for another therapist? I feel bad for all you are going through with your dad.

I hope you can find others that are going through, or have been through the same things & can help you through this!

Your in my prayers!

Anna

Hi,

I wonder if you have talked to your dr about the depression? It could be that the depression will lift as your recovery continues, but it could be that medication would help you.

I think a big part of my recovery was removing toxic people from my life and that included certain family members. If your dad is a negative in your life, maybe it would be a good idea to stay away from him, at least for awhile. I'm not clear if you live with your parents or on your own. Obviously if you live at home, it will be harder to detach with your Dad, but since you're working, maybe think about getting a place of your own.

serenityqueen

I'm glad to hear that you aren't smoking or drinking anymore. That doesn't help anyone.

I agree with what Anna said, sometimes detachment is necessary.

Keep going to therapy. With my Recovery, there are some things that don't seem to make sense to me. . . I just take what I feel is of value to me and let the rest fly out the window.

Keep working on yourself and be proud of how far you've come.

God Bless,
Judy

grateful2b

Welcome back, Notproud..
and congratulations on your sober time.

My DOC was weed and in the early months of recovery I ,too, struggled with anxiety and depression; and that was complicated by the fact that I am BiPolar2.

Once I starting working on my recovery, it took a while for my brain chemistry to heal and a couple of years of a lot of hard work to rebuild my Self....

I hope you are able to get the help and support you need through therapy.
I think your instinct to stay away from your dad is a good one.

I think you are doing great..keep coming back and keep posting...hugs

Fubarcdn

Thanks for sharing Notproud. Sometimes just talking and/or posting helps release anxiety. You know you can always come here and people will listen without judging. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

siamcat

One of the most difficult things to deal with when we quit is all that time we wasted isn't it? It's not likely something you're going to 'snap out of' notproud. I think anna was on to something about finding your own place. I don't know how plausible that is for you right now, but a big part of a successful recovery is changing your immediate environment to a more positive one. If not moving out, perhaps finding some kind of social group that will take you away from the environment for a respite? NA? SMART? RR? (does RR have meetings anymore?) Dealing with anxiety can keep you from doing these things I understand, but if you can't bring yourself to go out then what can you change at home? What's in your control? Maybe it would help to make a list of things that are in your immediate control so that they are in the forefront of your consciousness and then you can use that as a foundation to build out from. In any case, you've taken many brave steps in the past few months and sometimes it's truly enough just to trudge through another day. It may not feel like there will be an end when you're in the dark throes of depression, but, coming from someone who's been very close to the edge of fatal depression, believe me, things get better. Keep the hope, keep posting, ask us for help when you need it.

notproud24

Thank you for the support everyone.

Its just really hard. I find it real hard to talk about my insecurities and thats why I think I have to keep going to this same therapist. Because no matter how bad it goes, its not her with the problem.

I kindof think of therapy as a joke sometimes, because i have to pay to talk to another human being, and im just very embarassed with myself. But im done being the person who always opens up to other people while they just listen and not talk about whats on their mind.

I just feel very ashamed of myself for letting myself spiral so far down. I've always been the 'funny' one, and i just miss being myself. I used to always smile and i just dont anymore. I hate my job, just everything.

I've thought about moving out, I'de have to save money first. I also want to go back to college to play basketball and get a degree. It may sound stupid but my dream is basketball and i have decent talent, I just have no confidence.

I still feel like i need my parents, my mom, because my car is in her name and so is the insurance, and i do live at home. All my money goes towards the car and gas, and i dont make much to begin with.

I just doubt myself so much.

And sense i do feel a little better despite my depression, the moments when my anxiety hits me i can actually feel the difference and notice the change in my thought patterns, instead of it being all day long, day in day out.

I do 'go out' again, sometimes. I also do know a few people, and i play basketball each monday and it goes fairly well. I just hate knowing that everything takes time, im sick of my family.

Its like everyone in this family is an alcoholic, or on something. My dad doesnt do ****. He messed his arm up and wont get a job because he cant talk to people, he's not friendly at all, and i know why, but he wont admit it. My moms different, but she still deals and has delt with anxiety. My grandpa was an alcoholic, my grandma was on valium, my brothers an alcoholic. Its not like eveyrone is, but it runs in the family. And im just not going out like that.

A few of the people i hang around with smoke and drink, I just dont. They never try to bring it to me. Once someone asked because i looked at it and said 'is that gonna get you all high?' It didnt look good, and he asked 'Do you want to hit it?' I just said no, and that was the last time anyone said anything. Its like the first time you do something is always the hardest.

I still want to though, I just dont.

The depression and self doubt, and regrets. I feel like im too young for this bull ****. My struggle is so real. I dont even understand why people want to talk to me sometimes.

Thanks for the support again though, bye.