Funeral on Friday will be a huge challenge
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 212
Funeral on Friday will be a huge challenge
I was already in a tailspin last week when a friend passed away- my drinking was out of control and I reached a new bottom, leading me to being on my first day 3 again since December when I made my first 5 days in over a year.
I so clearly can't control my drinking and it continues to escalate. This is not the life I want to live. I want to experience sobriety. I want to live up to my potential.
My friend's funeral is this Friday and there will be many of my old drinking buddies there, not to mention the very sad nature of our gathering. It is going to be so hard not to drink. (ha! what am I saying, last night, today, everyday is so hard not to drink!)
I need to start all my 'self-talk' now so that I am strong in my commitment not to drink Friday. I find it very uncomfortable saying no to a drink with folks that are used to seeing me drink heavily. Even when I have said no, I have had drinks bought for me and placed in front of me, very awkward.
I do not feel ready to proclaim I am an alcoholic and can't drink anymore especially since most of these folks work in my same field.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this week. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
I so clearly can't control my drinking and it continues to escalate. This is not the life I want to live. I want to experience sobriety. I want to live up to my potential.
My friend's funeral is this Friday and there will be many of my old drinking buddies there, not to mention the very sad nature of our gathering. It is going to be so hard not to drink. (ha! what am I saying, last night, today, everyday is so hard not to drink!)
I need to start all my 'self-talk' now so that I am strong in my commitment not to drink Friday. I find it very uncomfortable saying no to a drink with folks that are used to seeing me drink heavily. Even when I have said no, I have had drinks bought for me and placed in front of me, very awkward.
I do not feel ready to proclaim I am an alcoholic and can't drink anymore especially since most of these folks work in my same field.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this week. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,506
All I can tell you from my experience, is that I had to stay away from alcohol, completely, for quite awhile when I stopped drinking. I tried being around places where alcohol was being served and I could not manage to not drink.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
God is leading the way!!!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245
Snowdog,
Just dont do it...challenge yourself not to and you will feel much better when you do. Drinking is not going to take away the pain and the sadness of your friend passing it will only prolong the grief...If you cant do for you,:praying say your do it for your friend just to get by for that moment....
Just dont do it...challenge yourself not to and you will feel much better when you do. Drinking is not going to take away the pain and the sadness of your friend passing it will only prolong the grief...If you cant do for you,:praying say your do it for your friend just to get by for that moment....
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Have anyone you're close to that doesn't drink to go with you for the funeral and wake ??
I can't recall too many funeral homes and funerals where alcohol is served .
Keep a distance before and after attending the services etc.
Sorry for you loss
I can't recall too many funeral homes and funerals where alcohol is served .
Keep a distance before and after attending the services etc.
Sorry for you loss
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I'm so sorry to hear about you friend, snowdog. The first several days not drinking are hard enough without grieving the loss of a friend.
Is there someone you can take with you to the services/funeral that doesn't drink or fall into the group of people you used to drink with? A person that you are close enough to that you can let them know what's going on, that you don't want to drink and no matter what you say or do, not to let you? The ideal person would be someone who could drive and you could ride with.
If not, can you drive yourself, pay your respects and then leave? It's not a good idea to hang around there putting yourself at risk of drinking. You mentioned situations where you said that you didn't want to drink and then drinks were bought for you and put in front of you so you felt obligated. That part is quite simple, don't go anywhere where alcohol is served. When I finally surrendered to this disease and realized that I can never drink again, I bet it was a year or so before I put myself into a situation where alcohol was available. I valued my Sobriety too much to risk it.I understand this is a different situation entirely, hard to avoid a friend's funeral, not like you can go to the next one they have. (not meaning to sound sarcastic there, just no better words to say it.)
You don't need to explain to anyone why you aren't drinking unless you want to. If you go to the services and someone pulls out a flask for example and passes it to you, you just have to say no thanks. That's all.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about this on an individual basis. I'm here for you and again, my condolences.
God Bless,
Judy
Is there someone you can take with you to the services/funeral that doesn't drink or fall into the group of people you used to drink with? A person that you are close enough to that you can let them know what's going on, that you don't want to drink and no matter what you say or do, not to let you? The ideal person would be someone who could drive and you could ride with.
If not, can you drive yourself, pay your respects and then leave? It's not a good idea to hang around there putting yourself at risk of drinking. You mentioned situations where you said that you didn't want to drink and then drinks were bought for you and put in front of you so you felt obligated. That part is quite simple, don't go anywhere where alcohol is served. When I finally surrendered to this disease and realized that I can never drink again, I bet it was a year or so before I put myself into a situation where alcohol was available. I valued my Sobriety too much to risk it.I understand this is a different situation entirely, hard to avoid a friend's funeral, not like you can go to the next one they have. (not meaning to sound sarcastic there, just no better words to say it.)
You don't need to explain to anyone why you aren't drinking unless you want to. If you go to the services and someone pulls out a flask for example and passes it to you, you just have to say no thanks. That's all.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about this on an individual basis. I'm here for you and again, my condolences.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
snowdog,
I will pray for your strength!
There will never be a good time, there is always the "well I have somethings coming up, I will quit after then" moments.
Please come here for support! You can do this!
I will pray for your strength!
There will never be a good time, there is always the "well I have somethings coming up, I will quit after then" moments.
Please come here for support! You can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 212
Thanks for all the comments and good suggestions.
One item I neglected to mention is the 'service' is not at a church or funeral home but the family has rented a banquet facility at a local pub. perfect, huh?
There is one woman I think I will confide in and ask her to help hold me accountable. Although as Classical points out, at the end of the day it is only up to me NOT TO DRINK!!
Last night a mutual friend of the friend who passed away called and invited me over to her house. She and I had drifted apart following a bit of a riff a few years ago but we reconnected over this sad news. Unfortunately she was my biggest drinking buddy and I can't tell you how many nights we spent drinking wine at her house. I KNEW if I went over there I would drink and so as painful as it was I had to say no. I felt bad because I knew she was reaching out to mend the friendship and seek support in her grief. Perhaps I will confide in her as well so she will know it isn't personal. It is a bit embarrassing though because she has witnessed my prior attempts to quit drinking. But hey, one of these times it will 'stick' and I want this to be that time.
One item I neglected to mention is the 'service' is not at a church or funeral home but the family has rented a banquet facility at a local pub. perfect, huh?
There is one woman I think I will confide in and ask her to help hold me accountable. Although as Classical points out, at the end of the day it is only up to me NOT TO DRINK!!
Last night a mutual friend of the friend who passed away called and invited me over to her house. She and I had drifted apart following a bit of a riff a few years ago but we reconnected over this sad news. Unfortunately she was my biggest drinking buddy and I can't tell you how many nights we spent drinking wine at her house. I KNEW if I went over there I would drink and so as painful as it was I had to say no. I felt bad because I knew she was reaching out to mend the friendship and seek support in her grief. Perhaps I will confide in her as well so she will know it isn't personal. It is a bit embarrassing though because she has witnessed my prior attempts to quit drinking. But hey, one of these times it will 'stick' and I want this to be that time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
It should not be an embarrassment! You are bettering your life! You are doing what is right for you. Please don't feel anything except strength!
Good for you, for turning down the invite that would be far too tempting!
Good for you, for turning down the invite that would be far too tempting!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
In my previous failed attempts to quit drinking I used this little trick to get people off my back and buy some time. I used to tell them that I was on antibiotics and that the doctor said that if I drink on these antibiotics that I would have to start treatment again so I have to take a pass. All this will do is buy you a bit of time.
This time around I have just been honest and told my drinking buddies that I have chosen to quit drinking because when I do drink I cannot stop at one or two and end up messed up.
Good luck and my condolences on your loss.
This time around I have just been honest and told my drinking buddies that I have chosen to quit drinking because when I do drink I cannot stop at one or two and end up messed up.
Good luck and my condolences on your loss.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I would definately be honest with the friend and explain to her why you turned down the invitation. What if she had quit drinking too? Is she someone who would not drink around you if she knew that you are trying to quit? For me, if someone doesn't care enough about what's best for me and they drink, then they aren't truly my friend anyway. Maybe they need to look into why it's so important that they drink.
Considering where the services are at, do you really feel like you need to go? Is is worth the risk, bottom line.
Judy
Considering where the services are at, do you really feel like you need to go? Is is worth the risk, bottom line.
Judy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Attica, MI
Posts: 465
Toabetterme said something very common and true to me, "There will never be a good time, there is always the "well I have somethings coming up, I will quit after then" moments."
snowdog, if you can quit now you can stay quit. Pain from a loss is hard but also cleansing too, if you don't have the pain now, sober, your grief will last much longer. I speak from experience.
Grief is a built in method that is given to us to start the healing process.
Tell those that offer you simply, "I can't do that right now, this is hard enough sober."
So sorry for the loss of your friend.
snowdog, if you can quit now you can stay quit. Pain from a loss is hard but also cleansing too, if you don't have the pain now, sober, your grief will last much longer. I speak from experience.
Grief is a built in method that is given to us to start the healing process.
Tell those that offer you simply, "I can't do that right now, this is hard enough sober."
So sorry for the loss of your friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 162
Snowdog, sorry to hear about your loss. I too have a hard time telling people that I quit drinking. Ive used the medication excuse before and sometimes I just say I have been over doing it so I am taking a break. I do agree to not keep yourself in that situation any longer than necessary.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Hi Snowdog,
I tell people I am on a strict diet and cannot drink right now. When I am stronger down the road, maybe I will confide. That way I am not standing there (like at bowling the other night when they were lining up shots) trying to explain to everyone why I was not drinking. I hope you can stand firm my friend!:ghug3
I tell people I am on a strict diet and cannot drink right now. When I am stronger down the road, maybe I will confide. That way I am not standing there (like at bowling the other night when they were lining up shots) trying to explain to everyone why I was not drinking. I hope you can stand firm my friend!:ghug3
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Originally Posted by masseyman 
"There will never be a good time, there is always the "well I have somethings coming up, I will quit after then" moments."
...if you don't have the pain now, sober, your grief will last much longer. I speak from experience.
...if you don't have the pain now, sober, your grief will last much longer. I speak from experience.
I'm so very sorry about your friend, sincerely! There's no "good" and/or "ideal" time to quit drinking/using when we look at the things outside of us that are going on. You're in a very tough spot, but there is hope in all this. There has been so many good suggestions here and I truly believe going with someone who is totally supporting you with sobriety is essential. Praying to your HP (God) to help give you the strength to go through this without picking up is something I would do and hope you reach out that way because He will help you. Early sobriety is an a** kicker when we are faced with losses like this, but you can grow so incredibly strong within yourself if you go through it and come out sober! I'm cheering you on all the way and.... am praying for you, my dear!!!
xoxoxox, Hugs, prayers, tears, hope, faith, strength... :praying:ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
I'll join this group who will be supporting you tomorrow. I just got through a few tough nights with the support of SR help and keeping a non-alcoholic drink in my hands at all times. Do whatever you have to do to not drink; tell your friends whatever you are comfortable telling them (I found that people cared less than I thought they would that I was drinking soda water or juice).
And I am very sorry for your loss - your heart must be tender and that alone takes a lot of tending.
We will all be thinking of you tomorrow!
And I am very sorry for your loss - your heart must be tender and that alone takes a lot of tending.
We will all be thinking of you tomorrow!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 212
Thanks everyone for your support- I look forward to posting tomorrow night that I was successful in my commitment not to drink!
I have to say I am on day 4 and while tired and a bit foggy mentally, I feel pretty good. The urges seemed less last night. I know eventually they will diminish.
In thinking about my friend and the funeral tomorrow I was looking through some old photo albums... gosh... where did the me that was all smiles and full of hope and potential go?? They don't call it getting 'wasted' for nothing. It saddens me how much time and resources I have wasted with my drinking.
(and I am putting the photo album away until I am much stronger in my sobriety- yikes!)
I have to say I am on day 4 and while tired and a bit foggy mentally, I feel pretty good. The urges seemed less last night. I know eventually they will diminish.
In thinking about my friend and the funeral tomorrow I was looking through some old photo albums... gosh... where did the me that was all smiles and full of hope and potential go?? They don't call it getting 'wasted' for nothing. It saddens me how much time and resources I have wasted with my drinking.
(and I am putting the photo album away until I am much stronger in my sobriety- yikes!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by nickishine
There's just so much said on this thread that I could quote and resonate with. But Jon's message here is so true to me! I lost my boy, Noah a few years back. I doped up on drugs and drinking whiskey around the clock, especially before his funeral. The day of the funeral, I just cried and grieved to where all who attended were so affected by my pain. I accellerated in both using and drinking after that, and drinking now for these past years to "numb the pain", etc. which has only postponed true grieving due to the chronic binges.
I'm so very sorry about your friend, sincerely! There's no "good" and/or "ideal" time to quit drinking/using when we look at the things outside of us that are going on. You're in a very tough spot, but there is hope in all this. There has been so many good suggestions here and I truly believe going with someone who is totally supporting you with sobriety is essential. Praying to your HP (God) to help give you the strength to go through this without picking up is something I would do and hope you reach out that way because He will help you. Early sobriety is an a** kicker when we are faced with losses like this, but you can grow so incredibly strong within yourself if you go through it and come out sober! I'm cheering you on all the way and.... am praying for you, my dear!!!
xoxoxox, Hugs, prayers, tears, hope, faith, strength... :praying:ghug
I'm so very sorry about your friend, sincerely! There's no "good" and/or "ideal" time to quit drinking/using when we look at the things outside of us that are going on. You're in a very tough spot, but there is hope in all this. There has been so many good suggestions here and I truly believe going with someone who is totally supporting you with sobriety is essential. Praying to your HP (God) to help give you the strength to go through this without picking up is something I would do and hope you reach out that way because He will help you. Early sobriety is an a** kicker when we are faced with losses like this, but you can grow so incredibly strong within yourself if you go through it and come out sober! I'm cheering you on all the way and.... am praying for you, my dear!!!
xoxoxox, Hugs, prayers, tears, hope, faith, strength... :praying:ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 212
Okay, the ladies out here will relate, just trying to find something to wear to this service is making me want to drink in a HUGE way!!! Arghh! But I won't. And I will be back tonight to post my success in staying strong. Fingers crossed!
On a serious note, Nickishine- I am so sorry for your loss! I truly can't imagine the hurt you must have, and still do, feel!
On a serious note, Nickishine- I am so sorry for your loss! I truly can't imagine the hurt you must have, and still do, feel!
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