Quitting drinking later in life is depressing
 

I don't know where to start with this. I did nothing yesterday but flop on the sofa watching LifeTime movies. I had been glued here for six days and just needed to do something different. So, not being able to do anything productive, I just watched TV, which I rarely do. Anyway, those movies really got me thinking and not in the best way.

I am 49 now. 32 years ago I went to my first rehab. Somehow or another I managed to put together two plus years of sobriety from ages 19 to 22 (I know, the math is fuzzy as is my memory). Back then, I had my whole life in front of me. My life had not been torn to shreads as a result of my drinking. I COULD be optimistic. I COULD be positive. The only thing I had to get past was six or so years of drinking and drugging. I worked FT at the same company for 3/5 years and got my college degree. At 22 I decided to pick up a drink. I cannot remember if my first clinical depression preceded that drink or followed it.

Fast forward 32 years later. So much has happened. So much bad has happened. But what really hit me yesterday was the thought...is my thinking now based in reality and is that why I see no future? Or is this because I deal with bipolar depression and this is only my sixth day without a drink? Is it a question of abstinence or not being of the right meds or both?

As a result of my drinking, I have no children, no spouse, no job, no career (even though I am well-educated and SHOULD). I will never have children. That door has closed. I was thinking yesterday why couldn't I have been born a guy with this issue? At least then I'd have children. And when one is watching LifeTime movies it's rather difficult to NOT notice that children do play an important role in one's life.

Anyhow, I really wish I would have stayed stopped back then. This is more than just "cleaning up the wreckage of my past." This is about life choices I've made that may well justify the hopelessness I feel and maybe this really is as good as it gets - which doesn't mean I should keep drinking, quite the contrary. I may as well just put a nail in the coffin if I keep drinking.

Would love to hear thoughts on the topic of stopping drinking later in life and lost opportunities. And if anyone is reading this who is young or younger, please stay stopped.

BTW, I do plan to run this by both my shrink and therapist today. I want to know if my thoughts are based in reality. They might tell me the truth - or not.

P.S. Sorry for the length, but drinking for 35 years leads to lots of questions and thoughts.

thanks for your honesty, katie09. i'm sure your post will help others.

be kind to yourself today, k

I'm 51

My downward spiral didn't start until my 40's - although always heavy drinker...

I had a big setback in my life - rehab, stormy career and relationship issues. Occasionally I wonder if all the work of recovery will be worth the agony. Well, it will be. It will be for you too. Please have faith that it will get better... we just can't imagine it now. You will never know if you don't start and continue your journey of recovery.

Length of your post was fine, I've been drinking for 39 years.

Mark

I have similarities in my life.

My depression began at age 19 and stayed with me all my life. Drs kept telling me I looked fine, therefore could not be depressed and I concluded that I just wasn't trying hard enough. I got married, had children and the depression worsened. I began drinking in my mid-forties to self-medicate and finally stopped a few years later. I had to get my depression properly diagnosed and treated before I could stop drinking.

So, I made some poor life-choices because of depression. I gave up many job-opportunities because I wasn't able to deal with them. I gave up many friends because I couldn't explain why I felt too blah to see them. I spent many years just trying to keep my head above water, not accomplishing anything more.

Yes, I wish I knew then, what I know now. But I didn't. Neither did you. “You did then what you knew how to do, And when you knew better, You did better.” One of my favorites quotes from one of my favorite people, Maya Angelou. You are where you should be. I am where I should be. You have a chance to do many things now, maybe now what you had expected, but you have an opportunity to do things with your life that will make a difference. Why not think about volunteering with children or giving something back to your community? It might open up a new world to you.

Thanks, I do hope this helps someone out there who may have their whole life in front of him/her.

The past cannot be changed, only dealt with as best you can.

The future (your future) on the other hand can be changed and being sober will give you your best chance to someday look back and be proud rather than the way you feel right now when you look back. This is one of the reasons I decided to quit drinking, because I can deal with 20 years of regret, but 40? 60? No way...

Thanks, Anna. I just quit a job where I was a case manager for troubled youths. I got on fine with the kids, it was all the other crap I had to deal with that led to my leaving - that and popping open a bottle of wine first thing in the door every night. I knew there was no way I'd stop drinking in that job, so I quit. I have volunteered in a homeless shelter and at a food and clothing bank and think it's a great idea. Thanks for sharing a bit about you :)

If you are fearing your life is past you and see no future, then no, this is not looking at it through reality, imo. This is looking at life through fear and regrets, and they will eat you up. And I can relate.

We forget how to cope with life on it's terms when we are using. Then, when the fog of using is lifted, it seems everything is raw, sometimes bleak. I don't think your reaction right now while sober is abnormal at all amongst newly sober people. But the great thing is, you are changing in a hugely positive way! If certain things didn't happen in life, it wouldn't biring us to where we are. And you are sober! Congratulations! This change can make the rest of your life so much better, but most importantly, you are sober today!

Have you looked into support groups at all?

It does help.

I have many regrets from 27 years of booze. I started when I was 14. I had children in my early 20's who are now nearly grown. Somehow my life was kept together enough all those years to raise kids hold a job and live a "life". Looking back I know all of it could have been, should have been, richer, clearer, more meaningful. The sober times were good but usually were spent trying to get thru to the next drink. And I have no excuses. I have no abusive past, no physiological reasons, no phsyciatric reasons, I had good parents, good friends and syblings. I feel like I caused all the trouble I've because of choices I made.

It's good for me to hear others who struggle and care enough to make something better of their lives. I'm only 41, and I feel like I have a whole other life to live. It helps to hear others that have struggled for so long.

God bless.

Thanks. The one thing I've always believed in is to never give up. I remember one day at my shrink's office when he said he gave me credit for continuing to fight - that many alcoholics just give up. That hit me (especially that word alcoholic). Nice to know I keep trying, but bad to know I'm in the category where many give up.

At any rate, I'm kind of a mess this morning. Keep crying. Have to get it together enough to change clothes and drive to my Dr. appt. Keep shaking - and it's not because of any withdrawals.

If it wasn't for this forum and all of you kind people out there who take the time to respond to me, I think I'd be losing it completely.

There is a reason. We travel a path specific to us as individuals. Each step brings us closer to some end. In many cases the path prepares us in unique ways to help others. I can directly relate to your story. I am 52 yrs old and have been sober for 2 yrs, 1 month, and 29 days. This is the longest I have been sober since I was 8 yrs old. I found out very early in life that I could escape feelings by putting something into my body. Throughout my life there have been only brief periods of dry time, not sober time. I have have been married twice. I have two degrees and almost had a masters before my using caught up with me. I have had good jobs, friends, and no children. For me, the prospect of having children was a non-issue. I was keenly aware of what my childhood was like and was not going to subject a child to me. I knew what I was capable of and was unwilling to be responsible enough to change, simply wasn't ready to do it. There were a lot of people who suffered as a result of my behaviors, not to mention myself. I would not let go of the idea "I" could handle it on my own. Yes, I have been in four rehabs and a psychiatric unit. I have attempted suicide five times, the last being a 7" kitchen knife in my abdomen (missed my aorta by a millimeter). There was so much self-hatred and rage directed towards myself, I thought it was all there was. I thought I would be condemned to repeat the cycle over and over again, always with the same result.....trying to kill myself. I finally found myself in a place where "it" happened. I had returned to a treatment center where I had been two months before, I wouldn't try the last time because I had to get into a relationship. It nearly happened again, only this time she was not allowed to stay. At that moment I surrendered, I let go of everything because up to that point in my life nothing had worked. My whole life has changed....I do see that my past has made me uniquely qualified to help others. Take for example, you. There are not many of us trying to get, and stay, sober at our age(s). Maybe you are supposed to help others like you, let them know life is, in fact, worth living, that it can be a blast. I work for the treatment center where I got sober, have been for two years. So many wonderful things have taken place, all as a result of letting go and trying to do the next right thing....There is a tremendous amount of fulfillment in doing it, life has taken on dimensions I could not have dreamed of. Sure there are days which suck, they are painful, but, you know what? To feel and not use, to know it is not an option and you are living life on life's terms is terrific. Try to get past the self-pity, move into the world of sober living and attempt to give back without expectation of anything in return......There is so much freedom in it.....Yes, I understand how old I am, and there is probably not a great deal of time left, and it's okay. All we have is today. The past is just that, the past. We can either use it to good end or as an excuse to give up and not try. I had enough of not trying, of using whatever excuse I could to justify/rationalize getting loaded. To use whatever time is left to good purpose is my way of somehow restoring that set of scales in the direction of giving and not taking, just changing it in some positive direction is enough for today.....maybe by the end it will be in balance..................All I have is today, and so do you...........We are all here for you, you will be in our prayers and good wishes...............:ghug

I got serious about cleaning up my act this year and I am 56. The alternative just did not appeal to me! Not looking for the perfect life, just making the one I have the best I can make it.

Go for it Katie!

I was 30 when i hit a concrete culvert sitting
on top of the ground. Then tried to end my
miserable life. Intervention took place Aug.90
setting me on the path of sober living.

When i began going to meetings, i thought
30 was very young because all the older
generation caught my eyes.

Then as yrs pass i have noticed all generation
of people in the program.

Your as young as u feel. For me at 50 i look and
feel like im in my early 40's.....Still kid like and
love it.

Age is just a number. It's how u feel inside.

At 50, i got my first of 5 tattoes, got my
hair highlighted, took a motorcycle riding
class, and got divorced at 25 yrs. New and
rewarding events headed my way still.

Thanks for letting me share.

You are the same as me Kind 56 and just starting out.

Katie. We are all new at this and don't know what the future holds for us. It may not be anything spectacular or it may be more wonderful than we can imagine right now. Give it a chance to unfokd and you may be surprised.

I used to say Hope for the best and expect the worse and you will never be disappointed but now I just say hope for the best.

Be optomistic.

Hi Katie,

My circumstances aren't much different than yours. And I can tell you, it's a HUGE relief to know that I'm finally breaking free of this hell-hole of an addiction. What I've realized is that I/you/everyone still have so much to give and experience.

Now, I'm looking forward to what I can do and become right now and in the future.

I hope we all can achieve that.

I have spent the last 3 weeks crying at everything.....don't let that happen to you. Lifetime can be very depressing.....perfect romance, perfect ending.....it always works out. Not in real life.
Do you remember my first post? I lost everything.......I am 47 and trying to sober up after 30 years. I am single and must do it all myself, that makes it harder. Remember that there are millions with the same issues. Try to take the focus off yourself. Force yourself to do something, take a baby step. Mine today (by the way I have bedhead still and it is 1pm!) is to go get some copies for my Superbowl pool and a sympathy card for a friend.....just do something small...........it may go a long way. Get yourself out of solitary confinement my friend.

:jail

I was 25 when I started drinking, 40 when I was done.

I wasted a lot of years. There's no denying that - but there's no getting them back either....and while it's understandable, there's no point in wishing it had been different IMO.

It is what it is, or was.

I figure, along with all the destruction, I've learned a lot...and who I've turned out to be
is not too bad.

And... I'm not dead yet :)

I could have been.
D

Thanks every one for this post and the replies.
Im trying to remember acceptance atm.
There were some good times and great memories. Sure it sucks that I dont have what others have at my age but that is what it is... They havent done and experienced some of the things I have either.

I like being sober, but the fact that it is a family disease really gets to me.
My family is toxic to me.

I guess I will keep coming.
It is helpful to know that its not just me.

ftstmn - it is OK to stay away from your family for a while or forever. I know I needed way back when - just could not get perspective within the family dynamics.

Good that you are here.

duplicate