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Well I finally told my husband, guess the reaction?!

Old 01-24-2009, 10:44 PM
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Well I finally told my husband, guess the reaction?!

K, I posted the other day I wasn't ready to tell anyone, cus I was afraid of the pressure I would feel & I was really doing this for myself!

So Hubby walks by & says who you writing to?
I just flat out said - I'm on a sober site. No since hiding it, need to admit to someone, right?! Step 1!

He BURST out laughing. I said no really I want to be done drinking.
He again started laughing, and pretty such said he doesn't believe me at all.
When I tried to say why can't you just believe me, I would really like your support. I haven't told anyone else yet! He just said cuz I dont.

Then he throws in the whole "well actions speak louder than words"
I said I am on day 4 as of now. He laughed & said how do you figure?
So I counted the days of the week I didn't drink this week. He then had the balls to say "Yeah right". Then he left & went & wacthed TV

My heart feels so heavy right now. I'm not sure if its because he's been drinking since 6pm? Do I try to bring it up again tomorrow when he is sober? And flat ask him to support me? or do I just use this as my "I told you so thing" to prove him different. Either way I never thought after 15 yrs of marraige he would be like this to me.

Anyone else get a response like this from a loved one?
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:49 PM
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That's pretty cold. If I were you I'd just do it for myself since he obviously doesn't see a problem or the need to support you. Maybe talk to him again when he's sober, but in the end, your sobriety is for YOU.

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Old 01-24-2009, 10:50 PM
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It does sound harsh. Is this the first time you have tried to quit and told him?
If it is I think maybe you should try again tomorrow but if this is a pattern you may have to take some time to prove it to him and to yourself.

My wife is becoming more confident in me as time passes but ay first it was I hope you can but I have heard this tune before.
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:51 PM
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:ghug3

I was terrified to tell my husband and I can't imagine how I would have felt if he responded that way. So, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

To answer your question, I do think you should try to talk to him about it tomorrow (or another day) when he is SOBER. I bet his reaction will be at least a little different (let's hope A LOT different). Perhaps you could ask him if he remembers tonight's conversation, and if he says yes then tell him that you're serious and you didn't get the impression that he was taking you seriously and you'd like to talk about it a little more with him. Try to get him to really hear you and not blow you off so quickly (I think that is because he's been drinking so much today).

Don't be surprised if he tries to talk you out of it, or acts angry, because it's very possible that he will feel threatened. Even if he doesn't come right out and say it, I bet he will very quickly think to himself, "If SHE'S quitting drinking she's going to want ME to quit drinking!" and he's going to get defensive very quickly. In an ideal world he'd quit drinking with you - at least at home and in front of you - but it's ok if he doesn't. In an ideal world he'd also support you and be happy for you and proud of you. But it's ok if he's not.

Let's just take one step at a time. Don't put too much significance on tonight's conversation just yet. Wait and talk to him about it when he hasn't had anything to drink (and he's in a pretty good mood) and then let's see where you stand.
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:55 PM
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Ok my friend........yeah it was a bad reaction from him........now you get to see the drinking side of people from a fresh perspective........let it go and remain sooooo proud of yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone BUT yourself. Let it go..........keep doing good and watch his jaw drop in another week as you continue to excel! Don't let him weigh you down girl!
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:59 PM
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He will just bring you down. Quit drinking for yourself, because you want to live. If he is going to be an ass about it then whatever. You deserve to live sober no matter what anyone around you is doing. :ghug3:ghug3:ghug3
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:03 PM
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Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! what ViciousCycle said!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:03 PM
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Felly brought up a good point: you are quitting for YOU, not for him or anyone else. That's what I was getting at when I said it would be IDEAL if he would support you, but it's not NECESSARY. Take care of you.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:05 PM
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Thank you. I was just shaking & wanted to start a fight over it, or start crying, but just let it go, thought I would come here.

Maybe I will talk to my daughter tomrrow since I will be getting up & going to urgent care with her cuz she's got strep i think, & for sure tonsilitis.
This is my almost 15 yr old that said she would give anything to have a mom that didn't have to drink everywhere & hates to be around me when I do.
Shes adult enough to have talked to me in private several times & shed many tears saying why are you drinking so much tonight? Maybe I can tell her this is my plan, and if for any reason you see me with a drink, or my kind of alcohol in the house you call me out on it, you remember our promise.

I KNOW she wants this, and like Tryingsohard said, I think you might be right because If I don't drink at home with him he will have no one that will.

Thank you all! I am so glad I found you guys!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:20 PM
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I just have to comment on one thing you said:

Originally Posted by ToABetterMe View Post
Maybe I can tell her this is my plan, and if for any reason you see me with a drink, or my kind of alcohol in the house you call me out on it, you remember our promise.
That's an AWFUL lot of responsibility to put on a 15-year old. Talk to her if you want; tell her your plans, tell her you want to be a better mom - a SOBER mom. But don't make her hold you accountable. Because then what happens if you slip and drink again? She's going to think it's her fault that she couldn't stop you. She won't understand.

No, please. Use us if you want accountability. Let your daughter be part of your plan, but please don't make her be your parole officer, so to speak.

I hope that didn't sound harsh - I didn't mean it to.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
I just have to comment on one thing you said:



That's an AWFUL lot of responsibility to put on a 15-year old. Talk to her if you want; tell her your plans, tell her you want to be a better mom - a SOBER mom. But don't make her hold you accountable. Because then what happens if you slip and drink again? She's going to think it's her fault that she couldn't stop you. She won't understand.

No, please. Use us if you want accountability. Let your daughter be part of your plan, but please don't make her be your parole officer, so to speak.

I hope that didn't sound harsh - I didn't mean it to.
OH Thats very true! Thank you.

Maybe I will just tell her like you said I want to be a great mom & please come to me if there is something bothering you, or things we can ever do different.

THANK YOU, I really hadn't thought of putting pressure on her.
So glad you have your Smart hat on tonight!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:27 PM
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I get the same thing. No support or help, lust put downs.

Keep fighting...you can do it, You came here, this is a step and use it as such. Now take another...without him!!! In spite of him !!!

You can do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:47 PM
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That is so wrong of your husband. I am sry you didnt get the support you want from him.
I agree. Alot of times when others witht the same habits as us hear soemthing like that. Its out of insecurity. IMO.
Do what you have to for you. I know it hurts not getting the support from someone you care about. But you know what? You can do it. Lead by example. And yes. I told you so. No need to argue. Just show what your made of. And I am sure you can do it.
You know you have your daughters support and all of us here. Good luck.
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Old 01-25-2009, 12:29 AM
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TSH, you are on fire tonight! You go girl! Ditto.
ToABetterMe, You have gotten some wonderful advice here!
Focus on you and your sobriety. He is going to react however he is going to react. You have no control over that. But you do have control over you and your reaction. Be proud! It is a big flippin deal not drink one day at a time. I do not get a lot of talk of my recovery out of my husband. He is a normie. We talk about other things and I have a very strong support system for my recovery. I have a sponsor and I have a few very good girl friends with strong sobriety that are always there for me. I thank God for them (as does my husband). But I am very blessed that my husband rarely drinks and I don't think I have ever seen him drunk. I wish you the very best. Keep coming back!
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Old 01-25-2009, 05:24 AM
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I was like your husband when my partner wanted to stop drinking. I wasn't harsh or rude, but I didn't want my drinking buddy to go away. So I would ask permission to drink in front of him. If he wanted to drink, it was ok by me. Of course his drinking would eventually resume after a few days of my selfishness. Now we are doing this together. I hope you can convince your hubby to join you, it will be easier. Of course he has to want to give it up also...
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Old 01-25-2009, 05:40 AM
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Hi,

Just remember that you're doing this for yourself, not your husband.

If he supports you, fine, but if he doesn't that's okay too. You can still live a sober and peaceful life.
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Old 01-25-2009, 05:53 AM
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Toabetterme:

I understand your husbands response. If this is the first time you've told him anything about wanting to quit....and it was in passing....and he was drinking.....I get it. Think about if your best friend, drinking partner, told you in this situation. You don't want them to quit because "good friends drink alike" and you would miss that. And if you were already drinking? My husband just thinks I'm trying to see how long I can go. He keeps asking, " For how long?" I'm planning to sit down with him, eye to eye, serious conversation, that I'm quitting for good. I'm going to plead for help, support and tell him that I am sick.
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:36 AM
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I am sorry that is the reaction you got. I have gotton similiar reactions from my hubby the last couple years. He wanted me to stop drinking so much and getting drunk, but did not want me to stop completely. He still wanted me to be able to go to parties with him, have BBQ;s here, etc. Which I then would end up drinking. Last month, I think he finally realized, I just cant drink, I can not just have one. Keep showing him you are serious about this. Keep coming here and posting, we are here for you.
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:53 AM
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First and foremost, I want to say how proud I am of you. That was huge. Not the best reaction, and that part sucks.

I've been there, let me tell you a bit about myself if you don't mind..I do have to say that as many times as I've said I wanted to 'cut down', 'only drink on weekends', 'take a break', my hubby was pretty 'yah ok, whatever' about it, 'we'll see'. I always failed, and always caved.. we're drinking buddies after all! (sarcasm). At first he even said "I WANT to be able to go out and party with my sig other.. ", he didn't get it.. YET.

Then I hit a few bottoms, or whatever you want to call it, said that I wasn't going to drink again. Then, as manipulative as my addiction mind works, I slowly warmed him up to the idea that it was ok for me to drink again, I 'proved' I didn't have to drink all crazy with a month of sobriety. HA. Then I started hiding it again, drinking more etc etc.

Here we are today, THIS final go 'round. I had to flat out tell him, "I am not drinking ever again, I can't anymore." Of course by now I got the "yeah right.. we'll see", and I DONT BLAME HIM. I had been deceitful not only with my drinking, but also about the severity of the problem I was having. A week went by... still sober, still got the "eh.. good job.. we'll see". I entered counseling, promised myself and him that I was doing everything I could to make this stick. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to lose my marriage.

I think part of your hubby's reaction has to do with not believing you YET. Also, I'm sure it's putting a lil spotlight on his drinking.. as we all know, if everyone around us is drinking, we can't be THAT bad right? lol..

I think tomorrow will be 40 days for me. It has taken this long (within the past week or 2) for him to be so very proud of me, to believe in me, and finally do whatever it takes to support me. This is damn serious business, and he's starting to get it, a little bit at a time.

Now.. as for the daughter thing. I agree w/ what TSH said. That is not a responsibility that a child should EVER have. Quit for you, quit for your family, but can you imagine her devastation if you started drinking again? May as well put all that money you're saving on not drinking into a therapy fund for her. I grew up in an alcoholic house. I took on that responsibility, I lost a lot of my childhood, and had some pretty severe resentment issues for a very long time. If anything, just tell her that you're making healthy changes in your life, and that she should see some great things happen with you. Period. I think teenagers more than adults respond best with the "actions speak louder than words" thing. How great would it be a month or 2 down the road for her to say.. "did you quit drinking?? I haven't noticed you drinking at ALL anymore", and just nod, "yep.. part of me being healthy, so that I can be a better person for me, for you, and our family".

Ok I rambled, but this really hit home for me. I am SO proud of you. Do this for you, we'll be here along the way. :ghug3
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by ToABetterMe View Post
He then had the balls to say "Yeah right". Then he left & went & wacthed TV

I'm not sure if its because he's been drinking since 6pm?
Yep, that was his booze voice. It may still be around today.

Hi!

I'm married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I have been sober 5 months, and he still drinks. I live with alcohol in my home. There are others of us on SR that are married/living with drinkers while in recovery.

The best has already been said. You are doing this for yourself. You will be a better wife, mother, and friend sober than you were when you were drinking! "It's all about me!"

I have tried to quit drinking in the past with hubby's help, and always failed. He can not give me the support I need to quit. I have to do this for myself and on my own. I am very proud of my 5 months sober!

I told my children (teens) when I was on my 4th day sober about my sobriety. They are now my biggest cheerleaders! Talk about accountability. I see the look of joy on their faces, I see them joining me in the kitchen and while watching tv again because they like spending time with sober mom!

Hubby had all kinds of reactions about my getting sober. And they are knee jerk reactions.

Some days his picture should be in the dictionary next to the word anus! I realize that reaction is coming from loosing his drinking buddy.

Now he is trying to respond with support.

You can do this for yourself. You will be proud of yourself for what you can do and others around you will reap the benefits.

Keep on keeping on!
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