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Need to dump this...

Old 01-24-2009, 10:40 AM
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Need to dump this...

Please allow me to dump cuz I'm pretty p o'd right now... Pissed at being told what to do over something I feel is lame and wrong all the way around! Here goes...

I have a new sponsor and last night at her homegroup mtg (I just returned to mtgs after 4 yrs and this is my 3rd w/ her), when the mtg ended and I got up to mingle and meet some of the women there, she almost literally pushed me back in my seat to sit down and wait for her... actually my friend who'd be giving me a ride home! Understand, this is a small group, Tahoe is a small community and I know some people in these rooms who I want to chit chat with, and others to meet and wasn't "allowed" to! I was livid! It's like "I'm not 5 years old here"!!! Don't tell me to sit and wait while you talk with your friends and I'm a puppet on a string sitting there quitely--waiting ALONE for the most part! I am a very social person who has deep-seated feeling about going back to these rooms because of my own shame and insecurities, big time. I just wanted to get passed my fear and be socialble. Anyways, it pissed me off, but I sat and waited until my ride was ready! I e-mailed her last night and said we've got to talk before I bail. I just don't think this was cool, at all! It's hard enough going back into mtgs as it is and then to not be able to reach out in my fear, but just sit there with the "hurry up and wait" thing going on.... No! I'm sorry! So she already called and left a msg this a.m. and don't want to talk to her when I'm this upset -- still! Any thoughts out there for me?? This is pretty much a repeat of a reply I sent someone else this morning and felt that it warrants feedback!

Thank you!
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:52 AM
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The good thing is that you did as requested and didn't punch her in the head. That is a good step. I would wait and see why shw asked you to not socialize and if you are not happy with the answer figure out what to do from there. She may have a good reason for doing what she did.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:01 AM
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Thanks Fubarcdn...

Yeah, I know I need to find out the "whys" behind it. When she first got sober years ago she was a guy magnet and gravitated that way! I'm not bad looking and she may fear that my MO is similar to how her's was in the beginning! Not the case! Anyways, I'm speculating and just need to get to the bottom of this and make a decision to stay or bail.... Also, I ended up getting "disciplined" for sharing in a mtg (she wasn't there) the other day when she said no sharing for 30 days. It was a "slip" and I came clean with it but have reprecussions of having the 30 day silence start on the day I blew it.... This is hard!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:10 AM
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I have been trying to come up with a valid reason why she would want you isolated while she socialised with her friends and i can't.

If as you suggest she is worried about you flirting then she has serious issues.

After reading your last post (disciplined wtf) i am thinking it may be some kind of power trip for.

Obviously I dont know the woman involved but that is what comes across to me from your posts.

Just because someone has been sober a long time it doesnt make them a great person, is there any one else there you relate too more, maybe you should ask for advice from them.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:16 AM
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Well, I am sorry that happened to you. I agree you should try to get to the bottom of things before reacting too rashly.

Now, with regards to being disclipined - wow. Reminds me of the old saying I've heard in AA - take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. I am sorry but that leaves me just - well, I cannot comment further.

I just hope this turns out well for you.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:18 AM
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Allport, thanks! I do have a good friend that I talk to regularly that has major time (15 yrs) but.... HE'S A GUY!!! He has basically said to talk to her about this and see where she's coming from. I did notice at this mtg with her - her need to be noticed! When we first got there, a guy I've known for years said "Hi, beautiful" to me. She immediately said, "You didn't say I was beautiful when I walked in..." He said, "Do you have any idea how long I've known Nicki"? She said, "How long do I have to know you before you say that to me"?
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by nickishine View Post
...I am a very social person who has deep-seated feeling about going back to these rooms because of my own shame and insecurities, big time. I just wanted to get passed my fear and be socialble. Anyways, it pissed me off, but I sat and waited until my ride was ready!
Okay, so can you say the time you have had to reflect since then [sitting through those minutes and hating it], has the reflection about since helped your sobriety or harmed your sobriety? I understand the personal slant here, just saying, i see it helping more then harming.

its all about the sobriety at this stage... and since you have [had] shaming issues sometimes the best path to face those fears is face them in ourselves, in our own hearts, and not *always* socialize them away with laughter and whatever no matter the need to be part of the crowd...

in any case, you and your sponsor are a team. And teams work and stick together or they simply don't work out. Its not about wrong or right, if you and your sponsor don't have an "understanding of sobriety" then absolutely look for another. Otherwise....

For what's it worth, i might have told you the same thing and i respect you for seeing it through to the end. Now you have been there and done that. Congrats! You have learned a deep memorable lesson in humilty, imo.

RR
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:21 AM
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Katie,
I don't have a problem NOT sharing.... I have a problem with being "disciplined". I know... there's a lot to break here!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:23 AM
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I want to quote certain portions of your comments with highlights. How do I do that without the whole entire msg getting quoted?
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:24 AM
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I hope she can explain herself better. I am too new into this to understand her rationalization. You handled yourself well. Pray this works out good for you both.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:26 AM
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Why did you choose this woman Nicki?

And Robby why might you have told Nicki to sit alone while you socialised, im not being bitchy i just really cant understand what value that would have.

At the very least wouldnt you have introduced her to your friends?
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:35 AM
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If that happened to me I would not be happy. And being disciplined?

She sounds like a control freak...to me a sponsor helps you with the program and advice, they make suggestions...they don't tell you what to do.

I must admit I am kinda curious as to why she made you sit there, lol.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:38 AM
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Not good.........imo..Why the need to belittle you?...

And another question.......why did you comply?...without a reason and for me it would have to be a good one...

If there was some sort of risk in the room for you.......why not suggest rather than bully?

BUT......sponsors are not saints......and are not there to be put on a pedestals by you or by themselves..

They will also make mistakes just like any other alkie..

Does your sponsor have a sponsor.........very important that she does..

Learn from her mistake and file it for when you are a sponsor......trucker
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:38 AM
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I would suggest you talk with her...and then tell us later.

There is another saying.."Contempt prior to investigation"...I love that one!

We can surmise all day what her motives were, but the fact is..we don't know.

We do know..you are trying very hard, Nicki.

And honestly? I would be upset too..but I don't know your sponsor's motives.

If she didn't care...she wouldn't bother.

Keep posting...

Hugs, and more

Sher
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by nickishine View Post
I want to quote certain portions of your comments with highlights. How do I do that without the whole entire msg getting quoted?
How do I do this guys! I feel lame but haven't learned how to do this yet!!!

PLEASE HELP!
And thanks for all the feed-back!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by nickishine View Post
How do I do this guys! I feel lame but haven't learned how to do this yet!!!

PLEASE HELP!
And thanks for all the feed-back!

Hi,

just do a quote like regular, and highlight the text by dragging the mouse that you dont want, delete or cut that. Just don't delete anything at the brackets from the start and at the end.

cheers!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by IO Storm View Post
If she didn't care...she wouldn't bother.
With all due respect, I have had sponsors (yes, that is plural) who were control freaks.

I once had a sponsor who shamed me because I refused to walk up in front of 100 people and read something. She told me I had no excuse for that considering another woman had walked across the room to ask me to do this.

I told her that I have panic disorder and quite frankly that was between me and my psychiatrist. I cannot read in front of people without having a panic attack and it's not something I feel the need to do. I fired her shortly thereafter.

I think people need to think for themselves and do whatever is in the interest of their sobriety.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by allport View Post
And Robby why might you have told Nicki to sit alone while you socialised, im not being bitchy i just really cant understand what value that would have.

At the very least wouldnt you have introduced her to your friends?
Hi allport,

np. i'm not sure i would *socialize* while my sponsee just sat there. no need to humiliate her.

i do see some merit in allowing her to sit one out though... it helps with humilty and understanding shame... how its done is another thing of course. i was not there exactly so....

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Old 01-24-2009, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
Hi,

just do a quote like regular, and highlight the text by dragging the mouse that you dont want, delete or cut that.
cheers!
Thanks, I just practised and it worked!! Gotta go for a walk then come back and get busy with you all on this sh-- before I call my sponsor. I am feeling a little calmer, and have gotten some good feed-back all the way around from all you all here! I really am appreciative! I feel like such a baby and/or a hot-head, but that's just where I'm at and what I'm dealing with today in sobriety! Just gotta make sobriety 1st and not let things like this take me out. I may not make it back the way I drink & binge.

Thanks, again!
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:59 AM
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I know this is off topic but thanks Rob for the lesson in posting. I am computer illiterate to a large degree.

Nicki we are all dying to see what the sponsor woman says so don't forget to let us know.

You better make it back. Don't let this get to you that much. You have come too far for that.

Last edited by Fubarcdn; 01-24-2009 at 12:01 PM. Reason: add
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