TheWonkydonkey

Well I tried it one last time.

Convinced myself that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic. Maybe I was being too hard on myself.

So I let the beast out of its nice little cage one last time.

The ferocity of it actually surprised me. Away from home, with no control mechanisms around me it completely surprised me.

Every second of the day that I wasn't drunk I thought about being drunk. Horrific hang overs were followed by 11am drinks. The drinking continued unabated save for a few meetings where I sat half listening, half considering exactly where the next drink was coming from.

I actually think I needed to do it. I needed to finally rid myself of that final excuse. That final whining self pitying voice telling me that I don't have a problem.

I've returned focused and with a little smattering of relief. It could have been so much worse.

So its Day 1, 22 days into the year and this is my 3rd day 1...says it all really.

This isn't going to be pretty...

Ananda

I'm glad you made it back...some don't.

I do know that for me I truley had to see that I could not control or win against the bottle....it can be a tough pill to swallow....

(hug) late to work perhaps more later:ghug

Anna

I'm glad you're back!

What will you do differently this time?

RK2007

I tried that method too Wonkeydonkey. Not for me either I'm afraid, far too much of an alkie to be reasonable with drink - the laws of mathematics break down and one plus one equals 20 and beyond, reasonable becomes a distant memory - I wake up on the floor or somebody else's floor, or outside, covered in pen marks, toothpaste or whatever else, etc .

I'll stick to quitting, lol.

Stay strong bro, at least you know now that 'reasonable' isn't an option.

least

Glad you're back starting over again. Keep moving forward one day at a time.

Fubarcdn

I like your math RK. That pretty much sums me up. I always think that 1+1=2 but 1+1=20 always so I am trying to stick with the new math 0+0=0 because the old math never works for me.

Start again Wonky and use the new math. Good luck.

TheWonkydonkey

Good question Anna

This time I have no excuses...I've always had them before. tons of them, reasons I can drink and it not be a problem. They've gone now. I looked my alcoholism straight in the eye and it scared the sh*t out of me.

So what else will I do differently, well i've tried meetings, tried SR, tried doing it alone and nothing worked. The difference has to be within me, everything else will help. But I have to want to stop.

TryingSoHard

Hi Wonky,

I want to thank you for sharing this with us. You have no idea how many times I have considered trying exactly the same thing for exactly the same reasons. And it's odd, because even as I imagined doing it, I also imagined the aftermath. And I imagined it being exactly as you described. But my imagination alone is not enough to keep me strong. I can rationalize just about anything, especially when the only person I'm arguing with is myself.

So, while I am not at all taking joy in your experience, I am going to learn from it and use it as a reality check. You have no idea how much you have just helped me.

I sincerely hope that this is the last time you ever have to go through that.

shanman422

Glad to see you back! You can do this... You can do this... You can do this...

Ananda

I guess for me it was wanting to, believing it was possible for me, and then...ugggghhhh......facing up to things and making the changes that were necessary to create a sobriety that was better than the numbness of the alchoholic haze.

What will you change besides not drinking????

thats what i have to ask myself every day. the days i decide to grow are usually better days and take me further from the seductive decieptful voice of alchohol and addiction.

TheWonkydonkey

King of the donkeys!!! I like that!

TSH I'm so pleased it helped. I didn't know if I was being self indulgent to post all this but I feel like its the only way I could get it off my chest.

I just feel you have to rid yourself of doubt. Because the doubts the thing that destroys your resolve.

Why should you endure so much heart ache of quitting drinking if "you aren't really an alcoholic"... it means when the cravings come you have that nagging doubt. Of course we choose to ignore the fact that non-alcoholics don't have cravings!!!!!!!!

I love garlic chicken but I don't crave it!!!!!!

I almost feel quite lucky, it could have been much much worse...

TheWonkydonkey

What will I change Nands?

The lies to myself...

Everything else will fall into place

parentrecovers

good to stay you back on track, wonkey. yes, it could have been worse. don't take any chances though, this disease would love to kill you.

hugs, k

TheWonkydonkey

Yeah it could have been a lot worse. It was bad enough for me to know for certain though.

Not going to indulge in any self pity though, I've had enough of that to last me a life time

Hevyn

Rid ourselves of doubt that we can drink again - yes, that's the ticket Wonky. Why did it take me over 20 years to finally get it, though? You've come to the conclusion that could've saved me so much heartache and hell, if only I'd had the sense to see the truth. Thank you for telling us about your latest adventure. It helps so much.

hardcor

Hi new to the forum...
Really liked your title "Wonkydonkeys guide to social drinking"
Who wants to be a social drinker anyway...what's the point?
When I'm enjoying drinking...there is no control;
and when I try to control it, there is no enjoyment.
"I'll only have four, that's my limit"
...then all I do is focus on the fact that I only get four drinks;
when I reach the four, I'm freakin miserable.

Its such a weird thing, alcoholism.
Its a good news, bad news thing.

Bad news is if we really have this thing, its irreversable and fatal
and complete abstinence is necassary.
Good news is, there is a way out if we can really get that 1st step.
Concede to our inner most selves...

Wishing you well Donkey.
Sounds like you have the principle of the 1st step going for you: honesty.
The rest, as you said, will fall into place.

allport

Welcome back Wonky, you dont give up without giving it a good old try do you? lol

Been there myself, over and over and i too am trying to work out what to do differently this time, (im on day 7 at the moment).

Let me know if you find out will you?

Katie09

Hi wonkey and glad you are here. You make a very good point. Good luck on day one!

TheWonkydonkey

Social drinking is so much fun.

Sat looking at the glass,not really paying attention to the conversation, trying to work out if you are drinking faster or slower than others... need to pace yourself so you don't seem to be drinking fast (OMG you want to just nail that drink though....why do people drink so slow?).

Someone has finished...finally you can finish your drink.

So much fun....

These are the moments we push away when we start the thoughts of social drinking. We choose to forget these.

This is all about choices, some of them are pretty stupid!

The thoughts we have on a Friday night about just being normal and having a drink, a bottle of wine maybe with dinner. Just being normal, just social drinking. The thing is.... people who aren't alcoholics don't think about drinking all day long....

The lies i've told myself...

How the fook can you lie to yourself....

Thanks for all the words of encouragement, means a lot

TryingSoHard

That is most excellent.

I love your last post, too, btw. It does certainly sound like something "clicked" this time. Please keep coming back here and letting us know how we can support you. We want you to be successful.