Aristo

Hi All,

Haven't posted here for a while - Am doing do now as I am my wits end.

I'm 2 years sober next month. I have been in a beautiful relationship with girl I met in the program (AA). We have been together for 5 months and 1 week. I knew her as a friend before this (since she came in) - She has 18 months up.

She has 2 kids from a previous relationship (a 14 year bad one). They split up over a year ago but she was living with him up until July last year when she moved out - finally.... I have no kids - but have always wanted them (My biggest fear in rehab, when asked in group, was to die and not have had the blessing of loving & bringing up my own children)

Late December last year we went on a family holiday to her parents place which is in another state to the one we live in. On the first day of our holiday, we found out she was pregnant. At the beginning of our relationship, we had talked about marriage and having more children and we both agreed that these things are something that we both wanted.

The news of the pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise to me - as I had kinda had a plan in mind, for the not too distant future (to pop the question) - And I had had the talk with her a few months back that what I wanted was for us to be more committed to each other (ie either engaged or married before we had more kids). I brought 'protection' for us - but I never used it because she didn't want to - I asked about the pil for her - but she didn't want to go on that as she didn't want to wait for the effects to wear off when we decided to fall pregnant. I take responsibility for not insisting I use protection as it was my wish to get serious about kids after engagement/marriage.

Needless to say - the holiday was very strained - I went into my cave - became quite isolated - Then the program kicked in and I realised that I needed to be honest open and willing - So I shared with her - the feelings I was having - I was scared, surprised - There was so much going on in my head I became overwhelmed. Her response was 'well we don't have to have the baby' - To which I replied - 'That's not what I want or you want - I just wanted to share how I was feeling about it' - I was deeply hurt by her comments - And I shared that with her too a few days later. I was with her for 2 weeks and we didn't talk about the pregnancy again. I tried brining it up - but she really shut me out. I felt really alone, afraid, less then, un appreciated - I think you can imagine. I knew she was going thru stuff too - but she wouldn't share with me - Apart from one time - when she said that she didn't want to have the baby if I was going to resent her later for it - I assured her that would not be the case - Not sure that she believed me though.

Whilst I was in my cave - I shared the news with my sponsor. After the initial shock - I was totally Ok with the idea of becoming a Dad - albeit having only been in the relationship a short while - and with the added whammy of being still relatively new to recovery - and her kids from the previous guy - and him being an ******** (excuse me - but he is - puts his work before his kids and shirks many responsibilities of being a father)

I asked myself - Do I love her ? Yes. Do I want kids of my own - Yes. Is this the right time - No - not my time - But guess what - I believe strongly that this was meant to happen - despite my selfishness - in MY GOD'S time.

Having children is a gift - and my higher power has something to do with this miracle - I liken it to my Sobriety - It's a miracle that I am 2 years sober and I didn't have much to do with that.

I left my G/F with her family interstate (who still don't know the news) and came back to work as my vacation leave was up - She doesn't work and stayed for another 2 weeks - She is still there actually.

In the 2 weeks I have been back - I have been trying desperatley to connect with my GF - She has been really cold - not answering my phone calls or text messages often - But when she does - is short, mostly one word answers to my questions. I ask her how she is doing and she only says 'sick' - Which I understand - I ask " what about emotionally and mentally ?" and she says she is fine. (Which I don't believe). She makes up excuses that she can't talk as the kids are nearby or her parents are near - These excuses are rubbish in my opinion as she gets to meetings and she could make herself available to talk - if she wanted to - So I assume she doesnt want to. I have no power over her - So I have to let that go - But it does my head in - really it does - I have said the Serenity Prayer 1000 times a day for the last 2 weeks.

I suffer from anxiety too - so not knowing what she is going thru - what she is thinking is driving me mental - I have spent many late nights talking to my sponsor and a few other trusted members about my situation.

Today was particularly bad for me - I received a text msg from her - telling me that she was going to see her counsellor on Saturday. Previous to this she told me she had booked an appt at her Dr's on Friday - I asked if I could come - as I was keen to know the low down. She didn't want me to come - I was pretty hurt by this.

It got too much for me today - I rang her - and after trying to connect with no success I asked her if she loved me - Yes - I asked her if she still wanted the baby - She wouldn't answer. The best I got was - "Well this is something we need to talk about"

She doesn't' want to talk to me until she 'works stuff out' and talks to her counsellor.

I am a complete mess and have come to the conclusion (guessed, imagined) that she doesn't want the baby now. But I do - and I keep telling her that.

I just don't know what to do .... I'm really struggling with all of this.

The 'if/then' scenarios are coming into my mind thick and fast.

I don't know if I can be with someone who aborts our baby (A gift from god).

I don't know if I can be with someone who is not honest open and willing to share.

I feel like I have been lied too - I feel angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, numb - all at the same time.

I haven't picked up a drink - but talked myself out of that pretty quickly.

I have been praying - going to meetings - practising the program - to the best of my ability - I have been journalling my thoughts and feelings - I am doing all the things that AA and rehab (2 years ago) has taught me.

The feelings I have now are excruciating ! I cannot describe them.

I am an alcoholic and I want answers right now.

Ahhhh ! What do I do ?

Any help & support is appreciated.

-Aristo

Emimily

I wish I could give you hug right now, or take you out for a piece of pie...

I guess the only thing I can say that works for me is to trust God, clean house, and help others wherever and whenever I am able to.

I'm sorry you're in distress. I hope you find peace a.s.a.p.

TryingSoHard

Aristo,

First let me say that I too wish I could reach over and give you a big hug right now. :ghug3 You're certainly caught in the middle of a less-than-ideal situation and it seems that, while you've tried to be open and communicative, your girlfriend has shut down (for whatever reason, but I'm guessing she misinterpreted your initial response). Being apart from her for 2 weeks also has certainly not helped the situation as it's made it easier for her to avoid you rather than discussing things and working through it together.

That being said, you truly sound like you are in a good place: "good" meaning healthy, rational, and sober! You have made some very valid points, you have obviously thought things through, you're trying very hard to be objective and not ONLY consider your feelings... these are all VERY positive things and speak volumes about your strength, and the strength of your program.

I completely understand why you're having all the feelings that you're having, and I think every single one of them is justified. At this point, the only way for things to get resolved - or closer to being resolved - is for you and she to sit down and DISCUSS it all. When is she coming back?

Women in general can be very emotional and moody. Throw an unexpected pregnancy into the mix and you never know what you might get! It sounds to me like your INITIAL reaction to the news of the pregnancy caught her off guard and sent HER mind reeling with all the "if/then" scenarios. She probably is trying to decide whether she wants to try to be a single mother to her present children AND an infant, thinking that will be the case if you don't want the baby. I know you said you tried to reassure her that you DO in fact want the baby, but sometimes women need reassurance more than once or in more than one form.

I do hope the two of you can get together and openly and honestly discuss everything very soon. Please tell her what you've told us, even if you've done it before.

I wish you the best, and please let us know how you're doing. EXCELLENT job on the two years!

Pelican

Welcome back Aristo!

You came back with your plate full. It's hard to respond to the situation without both sides of the story. So maybe I can ask a few questions about your gf?

Do you and she share the same belief in a HP?

Does your sponsor know your gf? What does your sponsor think about your gf's lack of communication?

I'm sure your gf is scared. I would be. She is raising two children and working recovery. She is involved with a loving, caring man who is also recovering. Life is moving forward in a positive way. She gets pregnant and her world goes upside down.

If she suffered any post partum depression after the first two children, she may be afraid of going there again. If she self medicated with alcohol for depression, stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc in the past; she may be afraid of the cycle repeating itself.

If sobriety means a life worth living, as it does for most of us, she is holding onto it with both hands held tightly. This was my signature line until a few days ago:

"now nothing is as important to me as my sobriety. Not my children, my husband or my career. Because if I lose my sobriety, I will lose them all."

She may be afraid of losing it all when the reality of being Hungry, Tired, Lonely and Angry happen after childbirth. Even if you are the most supportive, loving man alive, you can not prevent those feelings from happening in her. Only she can, and maybe she is afraid she may not have the strength.

Aristo

Thanks for the support people.

To answer your questions Pelican:

Yes, she has a strong belief in her HP. We both do - And both consider ourselves 'strong' in recovery - in fact I recall a convo with her a few months ago when she described us as 'Mr & Mrs AA'

We are both on Step 9 (co-incidence) - But at the risk of sounding like I am taking her inventory (which I probably am) - I feel that she tries 12 stepping people with too much gusto - Me myself - I do service in other ways - I will help another alkie - but not to the extent she goes to - I feel I will be better and the 12th step after I do 9. 10 & 11.

Yes my sponsor does know my GF - His opinion is that she is has a different coping mechanism to me - We both imagine she is scared - But that is a guess (I think a good one) But we don't know for sure because she is not sharing with me.

I recall one conversation with her - I said 'I can't imagine what you are going thru right now - I am freaking out myself - because you are there and I am here - and we are not talking'. Her reply was that she has her kids running riot around her - and that she is blocking out out until she gets back.

I'm unsure if she suffered from PP depression - I do know that she was generally depressed before her recovery - and she is still taking Anti-Deps - Celepram or something.

Having talked about having kids at the beginning of our relationship and agreeing with each other - in general - I imagine she thought her recovery was strong enough to cope with a pregnancy -

I really have no idea what she is thinking - I have to keep reminding myself that i have no clear cut evidence of anything - Only the behavior that I am experiencing. It's very hard not to draw some conclusions by that.

Pelican

Okay, I thought about it from another angle:

"The news of the pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise to me - as I had kinda had a plan in mind, for the not too distant future (to pop the question) - And I had had the talk with her a few months back that what I wanted was for us to be more committed to each other (ie either engaged or married before we had more kids). I brought 'protection' for us - but I never used it because she didn't want to - I asked about the pil for her - but she didn't want to go on that as she didn't want to wait for the effects to wear off when we decided to fall pregnant. I take responsibility for not insisting I use protection as it was my wish to get serious about kids after engagement/marriage."

Now that your plan got turned around, i.e, pregnant before engagement/marriage - have you followed through with your plan to get engaged and married?


Show her your committment to the relationship is serious and get on your white horse ( car of any color ) show up at her castle ( parents house ) and put that jewelry in her hand.

Three steps in recovery"
Awareness
Acceptance
ACTION

TryingSoHard

I think this is your key stumbling block right now. She's shutting down and shutting you out. When does she come back?

TryingSoHard

Pelican is on the ball today!

Aristo

Thanks Pelican - I sort of did that.

During the talk I had with her - when I shared that I yes I was surprised and scared and the timing wasn't what I had in mind - But - having thought about it - I am totally Ok with having a baby - I also said told her that I had a plan in mind - And that plan was to ask her to marry me on the date of our 6 months anniversary.

Then I asked her if she loved me enough to marry me - she said yes - and I said - Good - we are as good as engaged.

She said she didn't have a ring - I told her that I had one at home for her. Which is true.

About a 6 weeks ago - I bought her a ring - but was waiting for my planned date before I Gave it to her. It's not a big or expansive ring as I can't afford that - But it is a diamond - 0.25ct.

We have not talked about engagement since then.

In hindsight - my half arsed marriage proposal may have backfired on me - I said it at the time and meant it - Still do.

And although I still love her to bits - and I said what I said about getting engaged and giving her the ring on her return - I don't think that is a good idea right now. The feeling I get is that she needs to work out what ever she needs to work out.

She is coming home in 2 days time and it takes nearly a day to drive to where she is.

Pelican

Thanks for the replies and answering my questions.

She appears to be taking positive steps for herself in scheduling appointments with her doctor and counselor upon her return. She will need to talk to the doc about her depression meds during pregnancy.

Hopefully you will be able to sit down and discuss your concerns together in a few days!

Mariposa18

I don't really know what to say but wanted to wish you luck and let you know you are in my prayers~

CarolD

Well done on your recovery...awesome!

Please try and relax
You are a man who likes sructure.
Admirable trait ...
I do too...but sometimes HP has other plans.

Of course you are both nervous and scared.
Praying for peace in your lives.

Anna

Hi Aristo,

I truly hope things work out the best way for everyone involved.

But, Carol is right, maybe you're trying too hard to control things in this situation.

Wait and see - hard to do, but it's your best bet at this point.

Aristo

I know your advice comes from a place of empathy & compassion - but I struggle when people tell me to try and relax - You try being me right now.

And I really don't think I am trying to control anything - I am just trying to open dialog and talk. Is that control ?

I think she is doing a great job of controlling things - by not communicating.

I have not slept one wink and am getting angrier and more hurt by the minute. Luckily I have my own Counsellor appt in a couple of hours.

DoubleV

I can completely understand your situation. I'm in a very similar spot, except without the 2 years sober and in the g/f's spot.

I'm not saying that any of this is what she is feeling, it's how I am. But she might be thinking and feeling the same things. I know for me it's been so hard to speak to the father. I talk to him for 2 seconds on the phone and I end up crying for an hour. I'm scared that I might be doing this on my own if he can't get things together. I'm scared that I can't do this, I'm scared I'll slip up and give the baby brain damage. I know the fear is paralyzing me right now and it gets worse when I talk to him. So I'm keeping him at a distance. If my guy came to me and said "I understand you're scared just tell me what you need from me" Then honestly listened to it. I know I'd say that he needs to give me some time to sort my own head out, then we could take the time to work through everything together.

I don't know if that helped at all. But congrats on the baby and I'm sure once the shock wears off the two of you will be able to work everything through.

Aristo

Good luck with your situation DoubleV - May God bless you and your baby.

Jomey

Aristo - I can't imagine being in your shoes, so I won't give you a lot of advice except to keep working your program.

I think what Anna and Carol were trying to point out about relaxing and not trying to take control is this: you are up in the air about so many things, and you are not going to get the answers to all of them today. By rushing and trying to tie everything up into a neat package of marriage, baby, recovery, etc., you might make mistakes just for rushing. I do this so often myself, and struggle so much with not trying to find an answer immediately when a crisis pops up that I recognized immediately myself in your post and the wisdom in Carol and Anna's advice. I believe they just want you to take it slowly, and I agree with them. I completely understand how hard that is, but it's probably best.

Good luck with everything!
Jomey

Aristo

Just came back from my Psych - Talked to my Grand Sponsor and my Sponsor.

What i've identified now is - The issue with the baby is secondary to how my relationship with my GF is right now -

Perhaps - there has been bad behavior on both sides, yes. The bottom line is that we are not communicating on an intimate level about important issues (the baby being just one of these)

There is nothing I can do right now as she is traveling back (Accept the things I can not change - also Page 441 (i think) of the BB - Acceptance is the answer to all our problems - and right now I need to accept that she needs her own space and time to work out what is going on for her.

At some stage shortly after that - we as a couple need to talk about our relationship with each other - WE may well work out that we are not compatible - or that we are.

If we have cleaned house around the relationship - whatever happens with the baby will be the right thing to do

So right now - I need to sit with my feelings and feel them - And I do need to be patient - I know - not one of my best qualities.

Amends to Anna and Carol for my prior spray.

It's still damn hard you know ! yuk !

Aristo

BTW - Can someone tell me what happens when you go for your first Drs visit after you find out you are pregnant ? Cause my GF is going tomorrow - I asked if I could come along - She doesn't want me to - Reason from her is that it is a bit messy with an internal examination etc -

From what I understand I don't think this is entirely true - I think there is tummy poking and urine tests - blood pressure etc - and general talk about how far along etc

I find it a bit strange that she doesn't want me to go along - and my mental head is making up all sorts of reasons why not....

TryingSoHard

They DO generally do a pelvic exam. Sometimes, not every doc or with every pregnant woman, they will do a vaginal ultrasound, too. And yes, the urine and blood tests and counseling.

It's the later visits that are pretty standard - listening to the baby's heartbeat, measuring, asking questions. There aren't very many pelvic exams again until about the last month of pregnancy, unless it's a high risk pregnancy. At least that's how it is here in the U.S.