Why I drink - I have no hope (it feels like)
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Why I drink - I have no hope (it feels like)
Well, went out for cigarettes. Thought about today's inauguration. Thought about champagne and came very close to justifying stopping at the store for some at 9 a.m. After all, they are partying in Washington and today is a momentous occasion, right? Instead I drove by the store just crying, realizing I feel hopeless and the reason that I drink is that I don't believe not drinking is going to make things any better. But I know to drink will just ensure things never get better. What a place to be.
I know no one feels good at the beginning of something like this, but does it have to be quite so horrible that the only thoughts going through my head are that I'm a wash up, a failure, my life means nothing, it's too late. No job, no SO, no children, a couple of friends I am grateful for.
I've read some of the success stories on this forum and I believe these stories are true for others - just not me. Anyway, I hate to complain but it was hard driving by that store and it's hard sitting here crying because I didn't stop at that store. Any support would be greatly appreciated. I will now go get my cup of coffee.
I know no one feels good at the beginning of something like this, but does it have to be quite so horrible that the only thoughts going through my head are that I'm a wash up, a failure, my life means nothing, it's too late. No job, no SO, no children, a couple of friends I am grateful for.
I've read some of the success stories on this forum and I believe these stories are true for others - just not me. Anyway, I hate to complain but it was hard driving by that store and it's hard sitting here crying because I didn't stop at that store. Any support would be greatly appreciated. I will now go get my cup of coffee.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
Katie~ Don't ever think that your life means nothing! You mean something, you may not feel that way right now, but you do. You said that you don't believe not drinking is going to make things any better...but continuing to drink can sure make them a heck of a lot worse, right?
I can tell you that everyday that passes you will feel just a little better. Everyday without a drink, you will think more clearly. A lot of times those feelings are so overwhelming we want to drink to shut them up, but it's getting through those moments without a drink and working through the pain that help us heal. You are doing so well by coming here, by acknowledging how you are feeling, by trying to work through it. THAT is taking control of your life and THAT will get you sober.
I'm not sure if anyone asked this the other day, but have you thought of AA? I see you said you have a couple of friends to lean on, but from what I gather for people who don't have much of a support system AA has been a blessing.
If that is not something you want to do, just stay here. Read through posts and ask questions as much as you want. You are NOT complaining, we KNOW how you feel!!!! We also know you can get better. No Sweetie, it's not easy, but your LIFE is worth it~
I can tell you that everyday that passes you will feel just a little better. Everyday without a drink, you will think more clearly. A lot of times those feelings are so overwhelming we want to drink to shut them up, but it's getting through those moments without a drink and working through the pain that help us heal. You are doing so well by coming here, by acknowledging how you are feeling, by trying to work through it. THAT is taking control of your life and THAT will get you sober.
I'm not sure if anyone asked this the other day, but have you thought of AA? I see you said you have a couple of friends to lean on, but from what I gather for people who don't have much of a support system AA has been a blessing.
If that is not something you want to do, just stay here. Read through posts and ask questions as much as you want. You are NOT complaining, we KNOW how you feel!!!! We also know you can get better. No Sweetie, it's not easy, but your LIFE is worth it~
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
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Hi Katie, I think the way you feel is very normal. Drinking is a temporary fix and it does get worse over time, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly. It was a very strong thing you did by passing up the store and not buying any alcohol, it is something to be proud of so pat yourself on the back. 
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Originally Posted by Katie09 
the only thoughts going through my head are that I'm a wash up, a failure, my life means nothing, it's too late. No job, no SO, no children, a couple of friends I am grateful for.
I've read some of the success stories on this forum and I believe these stories are true for others - just not me.
I've read some of the success stories on this forum and I believe these stories are true for others - just not me.
No, a drink never improved any situation, and it is possible to party without alcohol. But in my experience I needed a plan for my sobriety, a program of recovery, anything other than white-knuckling it without some kind of help.
From the Big Book of AA.......
We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
Some of the success stories on SR come from AA members. Recovery doesn't exclude anyone, your story can be a successful one too. Ever tried an AA meeting? Keep reaching out for support, I hope you discover something that works for you.
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Katie,
Early sobriety was not a fun time for me either. I never had the 'pink cloud' think going for me.
What kept me going was that I was alive. Addiction could have easily killed me, but I was alive, and there was a reason for that. I had to look inward and find a reason to live and to embrace my life.
It will get better and you can do this!
Early sobriety was not a fun time for me either. I never had the 'pink cloud' think going for me.
What kept me going was that I was alive. Addiction could have easily killed me, but I was alive, and there was a reason for that. I had to look inward and find a reason to live and to embrace my life.
It will get better and you can do this!
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
Katie, I am on Day 2 of my recovery, AGAIN. I can tell you that I went through what you are feeling when I sat and only focused on the negatives. I believe our brain makes us focus on those things that we feel will go away with alcohol. The really sad part of it all, is that the second we sober up, all those negatives are still there, and possibly worse. The good news is, if you focus on the positives, and don't drink, they will always be there and maybe get even better.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Please have faith. It doesn't have to be in anything particular, just that it has to get better for you. You don't have to drink again. The miracle will happen, it will, I, for one, have faith that it will. For you, myself and all those hitting bottom and beginning their new way of life.
Keep reaching out.
Mark
Keep reaching out.
Mark
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Thank you all so much. I just cried through that whole inauguration. When I get stressed, I get this pain in my solar plexus that scares me. A drink would make it go away. I am feeling just overwhelmed right now, like I don't know how to make the pain go away. The voice is saying, go get some wine and get rid of the pain, but the pain is probably caused by drinking. I was fine (no pain) until I watched that inauguration. I will talk about this today on here and not go buy any wine.
I just need to settle down and stop thinking about bad stuff.
I have tried AA but it's really not for me, although I am not averse to going to a meeting. If I find I cannot get through the day without a drink, I will go.
Thanks for all of your encouragement. You guys are the best and I know I can make it through the next five minutes, but at this point I really need support.
I just need to settle down and stop thinking about bad stuff.
I have tried AA but it's really not for me, although I am not averse to going to a meeting. If I find I cannot get through the day without a drink, I will go.
Thanks for all of your encouragement. You guys are the best and I know I can make it through the next five minutes, but at this point I really need support.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by Katie09
I have tried AA but it's really not for me, although I am not averse to going to a meeting
Please tell me what you did to try AA? Many people go to 1-3 meetings, don't like it, and considered themselves to have "tried AA". I want to see if you are in this group.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
AA?
Tha's how I found recovery from alcoholism
and learned how to be the woman I wanted to be.
I see AA miracles in each meeting
ans in my mirror.
Hope you too can find the joy of sober living.
Tha's how I found recovery from alcoholism
and learned how to be the woman I wanted to be.
I see AA miracles in each meeting
ans in my mirror.
Hope you too can find the joy of sober living.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Hi Katie,
It's me Ken. You are in your place. Probably alone. You're about to explode. You want to replace that bottle of rhinocerus puss that you dumped out two nights ago. You think it's snake-like charms will ease your rattled mind. Deep inside yourself you know it won't. You lost your job. For obvious reasons you lament that. You talk about having no friends. You talk about not being able to have a conversation without drinking. Are you drinking any bottled walrus urine right now? No you're not. You are conversing with others who are not drinking, just like you did the other night. Do you really not have friends? What about us here on SR. Aren't we your friends?
The only thing you need to do now is go find that job. Come on Katie, this is the time when you need to really rely on yourself to believe in yourself. We will support you as much as we can. But darling, you gotta get out there and begin that new life you have been aching to start. Just do it. You know what you need to do!
It's time to count your blessings. Tear down the wall and explode out of there.
It's me Ken. You are in your place. Probably alone. You're about to explode. You want to replace that bottle of rhinocerus puss that you dumped out two nights ago. You think it's snake-like charms will ease your rattled mind. Deep inside yourself you know it won't. You lost your job. For obvious reasons you lament that. You talk about having no friends. You talk about not being able to have a conversation without drinking. Are you drinking any bottled walrus urine right now? No you're not. You are conversing with others who are not drinking, just like you did the other night. Do you really not have friends? What about us here on SR. Aren't we your friends?
The only thing you need to do now is go find that job. Come on Katie, this is the time when you need to really rely on yourself to believe in yourself. We will support you as much as we can. But darling, you gotta get out there and begin that new life you have been aching to start. Just do it. You know what you need to do!
It's time to count your blessings. Tear down the wall and explode out of there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by KenL
Hi Katie,
It's me Ken. You are in your place. Probably alone. You're about to explode. You want to replace that bottle of rhinocerus puss that you dumped out two nights ago. You think it's snake-like charms will ease your rattled mind. Deep inside yourself you know it won't. You lost your job. For obvious reasons you lament that. You talk about having no friends. You talk about not being able to have a conversation without drinking. Are you drinking any bottled walrus urine right now? No you're not. You are conversing with others who are not drinking, just like you did the other night. Do you really not have friends? What about us here on SR. Aren't we your friends?
The only thing you need to do now is go find that job. Come on Katie, this is the time when you need to really rely on yourself to believe in yourself. We will support you as much as we can. But darling, you gotta get out there and begin that new life you have been aching to start. Just do it. You know what you need to do!
It's time to count your blessings. Tear down the wall and explode out of there.
It's me Ken. You are in your place. Probably alone. You're about to explode. You want to replace that bottle of rhinocerus puss that you dumped out two nights ago. You think it's snake-like charms will ease your rattled mind. Deep inside yourself you know it won't. You lost your job. For obvious reasons you lament that. You talk about having no friends. You talk about not being able to have a conversation without drinking. Are you drinking any bottled walrus urine right now? No you're not. You are conversing with others who are not drinking, just like you did the other night. Do you really not have friends? What about us here on SR. Aren't we your friends?
The only thing you need to do now is go find that job. Come on Katie, this is the time when you need to really rely on yourself to believe in yourself. We will support you as much as we can. But darling, you gotta get out there and begin that new life you have been aching to start. Just do it. You know what you need to do!
It's time to count your blessings. Tear down the wall and explode out of there.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Hi Katie. I am feeling your pain and in that way taking some of it off your shoulders. The message of the inaugaration is hope and change. Embrace both of those and carry on. We are all pulling for you and sharing your burden. 
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Originally Posted by Fubarcdn
Hi Katie. I am feeling your pain and in that way taking some of it off your shoulders. The message of the inaugaration is hope and change. Embrace both of those and carry on. We are all pulling for you and sharing your burden.
I've really let things slide. My poor little dogs are needing baths, I haven't picked up after them, my insides are hurting. It is hard to breathe deeply but maybe it's just my body's wanting that fix. Honestly, I would like something to calm me down, but I will NOT drink today. And I will try to stop chain smoking, as that's not helping either. What to do, what to do. Maybe I'll go walk around the block. Get out of here. I am probably just going through withdrawal.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Oh Katie.... I wish I was right there next to you hugging and holding you close! These feelings are sooo overwhelming as we go through them... It seems there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel, that darkness is going to consume us. But it won't. The drink will!!! We don't know what waits for us yet, but something better does, I just know it, Katie! Let's give "time" - "time"! We will make new friends, we will find what interests us, we will experience miracles that are just for us!...
Don't lose hope, friend! We (I) am/are here for YOU! My heart aches because I know just where you're at! Let's get through this and see what's on the other side of the door, okay?
Love & Hugs! Nicki :praying:ghug3
Don't lose hope, friend! We (I) am/are here for YOU! My heart aches because I know just where you're at! Let's get through this and see what's on the other side of the door, okay?
Love & Hugs! Nicki :praying:ghug3
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Katie, I think most if not all of us could have written your post, so you are certainly not alone. I identified with all of it. The first days sober were really hard for me. I experienced a lot of fear.
I also used drink to relax me.
Not drinking will probably not remove problems from your life, you are correct there. But when I was drinking I didn't have the emotional stability to deal with my problems. Drinking just made me react to things and I was on an emotional seesaw 24/7. I was angry and/or depressed all the time and that did not help me solve anything.
Sober, I still have the same problems in my life but I am not reacting to them emotionally, I am approaching them with calm and logic now. So, in retrospect, it was a lot more frightening to try and manage problems drunk than it is now. Now I am looking at them from a different perspective. In addition to using AA for support, I am using other forms of support to deal with my life problems.
You know, the serenity prayer doesn't mention a single thing about alcohol addiction.
It is about approaching our problems in life, alcohol being one of them.
I am learning to accept problems I can't change. That is an enormous step for me. I was a real head banger when it came to problems: I had to solve them all!
It also goes on to encourage us to find courage/stength/resolve to solve the problems we CAN solve.
Lastly we strive for the wisdom to know the difference between problems we can solve and problems we cannot.
Welcome to SR!
I also used drink to relax me.
Not drinking will probably not remove problems from your life, you are correct there. But when I was drinking I didn't have the emotional stability to deal with my problems. Drinking just made me react to things and I was on an emotional seesaw 24/7. I was angry and/or depressed all the time and that did not help me solve anything.
Sober, I still have the same problems in my life but I am not reacting to them emotionally, I am approaching them with calm and logic now. So, in retrospect, it was a lot more frightening to try and manage problems drunk than it is now. Now I am looking at them from a different perspective. In addition to using AA for support, I am using other forms of support to deal with my life problems.
You know, the serenity prayer doesn't mention a single thing about alcohol addiction.
It is about approaching our problems in life, alcohol being one of them.
I am learning to accept problems I can't change. That is an enormous step for me. I was a real head banger when it came to problems: I had to solve them all!
It also goes on to encourage us to find courage/stength/resolve to solve the problems we CAN solve.
Lastly we strive for the wisdom to know the difference between problems we can solve and problems we cannot.
Welcome to SR!
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Your support of me is amazing. I would like to answer every post directly and personally, but right now I am feeling like I am bouncing off the walls.
I think I will go for a walk around the block and come back and pick up this pig sty I've let go. This is how things end up. Not to get graphic, but what the hey, there are dog droppings all over the place and I am feeling a bit better picking them up. I don't even know where to begin but a big trash can might be a good start. I can't believe I've let things get to this point. It's like...have I no shame? Who lives like this? I just want to make it though this, have this stomach thing clear up and move on with my life. I want to stop fooling myself that "one more bottle won't hurt." One bottle becomes several. I wish I had a friend who could come over and just sit with me while I try to pick this place up. Only another alcoholic would even understand this - certainly not a normal person. Tomorrow will be better but I have to stop messing around with this stuff. It really keeps me from drinking this posting. It's 12:22 and I just have to make it through today. I'd call the Dr. at this point, but I could never be up front about how much I've been drinking and I am too ashamed that I've had so little regard for my health. And I want to remember these feelings so I don't reach for another drink. I don't want to have to go to jail, ruin my health, lose more self-respect or even end up dying from this.
I think I will go for a walk around the block and come back and pick up this pig sty I've let go. This is how things end up. Not to get graphic, but what the hey, there are dog droppings all over the place and I am feeling a bit better picking them up. I don't even know where to begin but a big trash can might be a good start. I can't believe I've let things get to this point. It's like...have I no shame? Who lives like this? I just want to make it though this, have this stomach thing clear up and move on with my life. I want to stop fooling myself that "one more bottle won't hurt." One bottle becomes several. I wish I had a friend who could come over and just sit with me while I try to pick this place up. Only another alcoholic would even understand this - certainly not a normal person. Tomorrow will be better but I have to stop messing around with this stuff. It really keeps me from drinking this posting. It's 12:22 and I just have to make it through today. I'd call the Dr. at this point, but I could never be up front about how much I've been drinking and I am too ashamed that I've had so little regard for my health. And I want to remember these feelings so I don't reach for another drink. I don't want to have to go to jail, ruin my health, lose more self-respect or even end up dying from this.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Hi Katie...
Write down the feelings you are going through, journal them so you at least have a visual reminder of what you're going through now for the next time... (if there should be one).
I've let my home go for a month. Dog crap all over the backyard, frozen in the snow. Toilets that need to be cleaned out. This is all part of the "unmanageability" that our disease has led us to. Let's start cleaning-up, but don't overdo it, okay? Just put one foot in front of the other, then REST. Then repeat as necessary.
Write down the feelings you are going through, journal them so you at least have a visual reminder of what you're going through now for the next time... (if there should be one).
I've let my home go for a month. Dog crap all over the backyard, frozen in the snow. Toilets that need to be cleaned out. This is all part of the "unmanageability" that our disease has led us to. Let's start cleaning-up, but don't overdo it, okay? Just put one foot in front of the other, then REST. Then repeat as necessary.
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