LouLou629

Hi everyone, and thanks to anyone reading this. I have been dealing with this sense of just pure sadness lately- I look back on my past and my drunken debacles, and all of the precious moments I was wasting being a drunk, and all of the times I acted to horribly out of character...I just feel so sad. Sad for myself, but not sorry for myself if that makes sense. I just feel like I am mourning the death of that person and although I am so glad to be on the right path and wouldnt for the world want to be back there living "her " way again..I just feel this very weird sense of sadness. I know I have heard a million times " you know, when a person drinks and says or does things it their subconscious- its the truth, and its only under those circumstances that that repressed "real" you can come out ". Can I say that I think thats ********! I hate to think that all of those moments I spent in a wasted haze acting like some rediculous far fetched version of myself in soap opera instead of real life , was truly the real me just trying to be set free? I cant explain the things I did and said, OVER AND OVER ...I cant take back the hurt I caused others and myself...I have to truly belive however that it was the alchohol making me crazy . I know I am not supposed to blame the booze but why? Its true...today I am sober and I am a kind, loving, considerate, funny somewhat shy and reserved person...WAY different than the drunk Kristen. So who is the real Kristen? And how can the sober me turn into that other yucky person? ALCHOHOL! So...IS this normal for me to be mourning tha loss of this alter ego I really hate and truly belive that I am once and for all with sobriety going to be able to live my life as the way I truly am meant to be and act and feel?

TryingSoHard

Hi LouLou,

I'm not sure I have the answer for you, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I have been feeling some very similar things lately. I do NOT believe that I was the "real me" when I was mean and drunk. And I've been told - repeatedly - that the only person I was ever mean to was my husband, of all people. To everyone else I was GUSHING love and sweetness and affection. To him, I was yelling and calling him names and spewing every kind of vileness that I could think up. That thought horrifies me. Why would I do that to him? And why him and no one else?

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I know what you mean and I feel the same way. I wasn't that way before my drinking problem developed and I'm not that way now that the poison is out of my system. I never plan on being that way again, yet I still carry around a great deal of sadness in my heart because of the time I behaved that way (and most of the time I didn't even remember doing it... ugh).

CarolD

I agree that is total B.S.
The drinking me was not the true me.

The true me lived before I became an alcoholic
and she is back ..even stronger and wiser in AA recovery.

I learned how to forgive myself when I did Steps 4 & 5.
prayers also help me immensley.

Congratulations on your sober time...

Anna

Hi,

I agree with you. I chose to drink and the alcohol made me crazy. When I look back at my thinking, during my drinking days, it was crazy. There was no logic, no reasoning, no perspective. All I could focus on was some aspect of drinking. I also regret giving over several years of my life. When I think about that, I am shocked. But, I firmly believe it all happened for a reason. I had to go through that, in order to be where I am today. I look at it from a spiritual point of view. This is the journey I was meant to be on. There is a reason for that.

bugsworth

LouLou...alcohol especially drunk in copious amounts would turn the most gentle person into something they could not even recognize. Alcohol like you said was making you crazy...you are not your behavior while under the influence. Please be kind to yourself...put away the bat and focus on being the best person you can be today!

KenL

Yea. You nailed it square. It's a fact. Studies have proven it to be so.

You said it yourself......

And now........

Truly awesome Kristin. Way to go dear. Don't mourn for too long.