fugfuggy

and with HUGE financial obligations?

I stopped working in my last position in June of 07. I took some time off to catch up on my drinking and then I went through a medical detox in mid August. Came out feeling anxious about work but physically great. Immediately I received an offer, not one that I would take under normal circumstances, but a job nonetheless as the economy was imploding. Then, I got the opportunity to interview for a prime position, actually 9 interviews! I have told this story before, I was offered the position, accepted, given a start date of Nov. 17th, and I even reviewed the benefits package. I was thinking to myself at the time that this is way too easy, to find a job like this given the current economic conditions, god must be smiling on me and giving me a new shot at sober life, hitting the ground running!

The the job was put on hold, temporarily according to the company. One week passed, then two, then a month, then two months. And here is the latest from today:

"....a request to Mr. D has been sent asking if we can go ahead and bring you on based on the M&E budget that he had already approved – we’re still waiting for word back"

Needless to say, I started drinking heavily again pretty much for the whole month of December and the first two weeks of January. I have stopped for 2-3 days a few times since. Again, today is day 2.

My logic keeps telling me to get cleaned up and attack the job market. So I do, for a couple of days, and then get so depressed and anxious going through the process that I just need to numb the pain so I drink again. So, there is this constant black cloud over my head, the wishful thinking that this job will finally come through, and the depressive thoughts of trying to find a job in the current market.

The job circumstances afford me all of the free time and boredom to dwell on all of the above. Now add in the money. I keep doing the math in my head of how much longer I can live my current lifestyle before I literally begin to run out of money. I look around my house and think to myself that I will not be able to afford this soon. I take my daughter to private school and think of how disappointed she will be when I can no longer afford it. I take her to gymnastics (she is a junior Olympian which is about 25K per year) and stress out about killing her dreams cause her daddy can't find a job; I get in my overpriced Mercedes and feel like a fake.

I know I am ranting but can anybody relate? I am not an AAer and I really do not want to hear get to a meeting, that is not going to help. I would much rather type it all out here.

Anyhow, I am struggling right now. The only thing that is holding me back, barely, is that my daughter has a friend over for a sleep over and I want to be responsible, even though I know that I could pull it off and they will be none the wiser. I really like an article that I read in one of the other threads today about falling off of the wagon. The SOBER method:

Stop
Observe
Breathe
I forgot
I forgot

Thanks for letting me vent.

prettypoison

Hi fugfuggy,

Congrats on 2 days. I only work prn but I have an adult daughter looking for work, I understand it is a very dismal looking job market... That is terrible what happend with your "almost" job, rats. Just don't give up, getting back out there beats drinking over it.

I was struggling with wanting to drink all weekend long but I didn't, I just kept coming here. I have to keep reminding myself drinking won't make ANYTHING better, only worse. I was a sneaky drinker too, I avoided talking to my husband or kissing him after sneaking some wine... I feel bad about that now. The problem with slipping up and taking that first drink is 1) you probably wouldn't stop there and 2) you would know. And you would feel terrible about it. Please rethink that and hang on. I hope things turn around for you. :ghug3

tommyk

I am not an AAer and I really do not want to hear get to a meeting, that is not going to help.

AA will be there though if you find that 'your way' isn't successful.

A lot of people have to lose it all before they surrender.

Keep coming back.

Anna

Hi Fug,

I'm sorry that you're a victim of the current economy.

Of course, staying sober is the best thing you can do to help yourself find a job. I wish you well with your job-search.

There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.

coffeenut

I don't attend AA either. I also don't drink anymore. Drinking isn't going to do one thing for you except cost you $$ you don't have.

You have about 14,000 things on your plate right now. The most important one is sobriety. With sobriety, everything does fall into place.....maybe not the way you wish or think it should, but it does fall into place....beautifully.

If you're having trouble quitting, AA could be an option....either that or glue yourself to SR....there is a lot of help here.

Hope you are doing well. Please stick around and keep reading!

Latte

I'm a SAHM (stay at home Mom) and I owe a lot of money. They are all on hold right now. I'm clean and sober and being a Mom to my kids right now. It means that I rely totally on my husband as far as income/spending money etc. I am humbled every day and really, it's good for me.

As long as I stay clean and sober, the rest will come along slowly. My credit is in the tank but I would seriously be nowhere without my sobriety.

LaDita

I've been unemployed for three years and I've had crappy credit as far as back as when I was a teenager and signed up for that stupid 'Bill Me Later' book-of-the-month club or whatever that was that was so popular among teenage girls back then.

Unemployment does suck and gives you plenty of time and space to get into trouble, but I realized after coming on this board, it also gives you plenty of time and space to better yourself and become the person you ultimately want employer's to see.
Take it slow. Breathe deep. Post Often.

Hope that helps!

-LD

CarolD

I did find a much needed job via an AA contact
I met at my daily meetings.
I kept it for 6 years before I relocated.

A few years later...and I could no longer work.
My incurable progressive retina disease has made
reading and driving impossible. Some other things difficult.

....Yes! this required a big time lifestyle change.
And has nothing to do with my sucessful recovery from alcoholism.

I have no answers...but I can share that I've found
a way to enjoy my interesting fantastic life...

All my best to those in need.

shaun00

hi fug and welcome.......

I dont envy your position...its tuff but cant last forever.

I wondered why you didnt think that AA would work?...bad experience?

I am a member of AA but not arrogant enough to think this is the only way.

This is my take.........there is a confusion of issues here...one is working and one is drinking..

The problem is unless you tackle the drinking first........which takes some doing....everything else will be lost..

Alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse..........taking away any job you do get.

Once its taken all that is dear to you it will continue until it completes its ultimate goal......which is death.

Your gonna need alot of support.....imo AA will help and coming here is also a very good idea

While your not working you could use all that time in obtaining some stable recovery setting a strong foundation to continue onto work in a much better healthier position.

This is hard but im gonna say it.............what would your daughter RATHER have...

A change of schools....less money.....a smaller property......an old car..etc

or a dad that at best... cant function or at worse is dead?

I and you know the answer..........all this is only MY opinon and im sorry if i offend you..........but it my take........keep posting ..

and god be with you.......trucker

doorknob

I'm on mental health disability right now. It's not much, but it allows me to contribute some towards monthly expenses. My gf is paying the rent and I'm pretty much the homemaker now, or alteast I try. I also do a little bit of selling on eBay. I've always worked low paying jobs, drove old beater cars, and am used to scraping by. Up until now, I've always managed. My struggle with mental health and substance abuse issues kept me from finishing college and starting anything I could call a 'career'. This is the first time I've ever been on disability, and I'm trying to use the time to get stable in sobriety, work on my OCD problems, and maybe learn to live a little better. I am a gymnast, btw, and have done some instructing over the years. I'd really like to return to that. It's my passion, or atleast the closest thing I have to one.

P.S. I go to AA meetings from time to time, but it's really not my cup of tea. I need a secular support system. There's no way I'm going to surrender to spiritual/religious dogma that I don't believe in. It amazes me how some will continue to push AA, even when asked not to. It smacks of brainwashing to me, and can be very disturbing...

fugfuggy

i have done the AA route in the past for a year. I was all in! Made coffee, served as secretary, set up chairs, etc. etc. etc....

I don't believe in the primary tenet of AA that we are "powerless" and that it is a "disease." Cancer is a disease, alcoholism is an addiction that can take on a physical dependency that can be quite dangerous and deadly, I know, I have been there. Once we are cured of the physical dependency then it is a choice, period. I am not an atheist. I believe that God gave us free will and the power of choice. Each of us has our own resolve to deal with the stresses in our lives and sometimes our resolve is not enough. If it is emotional stress from earlier tragedies then therapy is in order to address the underlying issues. My stress is temporary, i know, and I make bad choices because my resolve is not enough to deal with it at the moment. I think a lot of that is because I am not used to it. For the most part, i am blessed and my life has been pretty good. Not always though and I did go through years of intensive therapy to deal with my underlying issues.

A lot of drinking has to do with hope. If you have it then the need to drink is not as strong. If you don't then the desire to escape can be overwhelming. Right now it seems to me that my financial world is coming to an end and that to me is very stressful. All of the economic doom and gloom is just a lot to take and I feel as though there is no hope for a short term solution. That near miss but not dead job opportunity that I had keeps me filled with a little hope but that is not enough sometimes.

When I reflect back on my 10 years of sobriety, a time where the thought of drinking never even entered my mind, i compare and contrast them with today. The difference was that I was working continually on the big picture, toward bigger and bigger goals. When I stopped drinking I was a high school drop out. I got my GED, went to Jr. College, transferred to a top tier university, got into grad school, and entered the professional world with big goals. This process in and of itself took 10 years and I enjoyed every single day of it, SOBER!

Now? Everyday is lonely, hopeless, and filled with anxiety and boredom. What can I ever do to re capture that blissful hope? I wish I could use this bad economy to return to school but that is not possible for financial reasons.

Please God, let that job come through and relieve me of all of this!

So here we are again on Day 1 with hope to get to Day 2.

tommyk

Thanks for sharing.

I see a great deal of myself in your posts.

If I may suggest - do it for your daughter until you get back into the professional world.

(And do it for her when you get back into the professional world too. )

Keep coming back.

DharmaQueen

Getting a job is a job in itself, usually taking several hours a day, making calls, going places in person, getting leads from people you know (even casually), following up on postings,etc. Takes a lot of daily persistence. Sending out resumes is only a small piece of a job search. If you are sending out resumes, you should follow up on each one with a phone or personal contact. Check out job clubs or placement assistance through the employment service, or get info. about where to find one. Best to you!

eeerooo

Hi,

I had to quit my job last december because I knew that if I didn't quit I would get fired for absenteeism. Now I'm going on day 2 of not drinking and I worry about what's going to happen when I run out of the money I have saved up.

Ideally, I would like to get better first because if I start working again, the stress will make me stop at the gas station to pick up a couple of beers for the road. I used to do this very frequently while working.

I also find that since I'm so early in my recovery, I can't organize my brain enough to update my resume and go to interviews. Also, what is my ex-boss going to say about me when a prospective employer calls him??????

But the mortgage company doesn't care...they want their money.

The best I can do is take each day as it comes and hope things get better.

The serenity prayer helps alot since there are many things going on that I cannot control.

I wish you luck in your job search and even though it is hard....don't drink. I once had to go to an interview hungover and my hands shook so much I could barely fill out the application. The funny thing was that the employer wanted someone with nice handwriting. HA!!

Katie09

Hi Fugfuggy,

I do hope to hear back from you soon! Thank you for starting this thread. Like you eeerooo (sorry if I misspelled), I quit my job in advance of getting fired, but this was because the company had insane policies and I don't like working in a quota setting. BUT The BIGGEST reason I quit was I knew I wouldn't stop drinking while in that job due to the stress. However, if I'm honest, I don't know how to work at all without drinking. I quit my last decent job five years ago as I was drinking round the clock on the weekends and I KNEW that was killing me. I thought I'd move to a new place and get fixed. Wrong. I took my addiction right with me and proceeded to drink for another five years.

I am making sobriety the priority now. I know I'll be dead in a few years if I don't, and then a job won't matter at all.

fugfuggy

Well, the status has not changed, only my drinking has.

I am holding out 100% for the job that was offered and then taken back. They went through the process of checking my references again and they went as far as to tell one of them that they were in the process of preparing an offer. I confirmed with my future boss what was in process and it looks like it may happen soon. Now, if I was smart, I would not hold out hope. I would stop drinking and get after finding another job, regardless of the status of this one. That would put me in the best position. However, I have chose to stick my head in the sand and curl up with a bottle every night, telling myself that I know how to stop and that I will when the job comes through.

Not very smart, I know, but that is where I am at.

fugfuggy

Yeah, I am pretty disappointed with myself for ending up right back where I started. The stress, boredom and loneliness got the better of me. I tell myself every morning that today is a new day and I will not drink. By mid afternoon the mental warfare starts and I always seem to lose the battle. I don't have the physical issues that I did before I went to treatment but I can feel them all coming back slowly. Well it is noon here and I am telling myself that I will not drink tonight. Wish me luck!