StrongBird

I brought this up in the Class of December post but I want to open it up to everyone and see what you guys think.

This was a pretty remarkable week -- I told my parents, my brother, some friends, and my ex-husband (who I'm still good friends with) that I'm quitting drinking/in AA. And each time, I felt like qualifying it: "I'm an alcoholic BUT BUT BUT... it's not like what you think. I'm not one of them. I never drove drunk or got arrested or had to have a drink in the morning to stop my hands from shaking." But the thing is, I did drink an embarrassing amount of alcohol A LOT. I passed out, I said things I shouldn't have, I did things I shouldn't have, I blacked out, etc. I woke up and felt like dying from the shame of it all more than once. The fact that there are no DUI's on my record doesn't absolve me of anything.

I think it's a few things:
- I feel like people make assumptions about what an alcoholic is and it often involves a very unsavory character. I did horrible things but they were mostly to myself. I feel like admitting I'm an alcoholic is almost like asking me to carry the burden of ALL the sins of ALL alcoholics. Can anyone relate? That ties into...
- I still feel ashamed just to be an alcoholic... like if I'd just been a little more careful or a little stronger, I could have avoided it. It's not even shame for what I did -- it's shame about who I am. I am ashamed to have this disease. I find it hard to imagine ever feeling comfortable with this piece of me and I hate that too. I felt ashamed after drinking too many times... now I have to feel shame for my past too? No fair!

Those two points are closely tied together. I feel like I should be able to proclaim how I didn't drive drunk as if it took some great strength of character or moral fiber. Here I sit with all sorts of horror stories and I'm STILL judging people for being "worse" alcoholics than me.

And there's more...
- I feel defensive because there is a nugget of truth to all these unspoken biases about what an alcoholic does. For example, I may say "but I never drank when my daughter was in my care!" but I did think about it. I did make excuses for why I couldn't have her. I wasn't fully present with her all the times and I hate that. There is no excuse and I can't go back, you know?

Can anyone relate? And does it get any easier?

CAPTAINZING2000

If, you had cancer, would you be embarrassed as well?

You're allergic to alcohol. Some people can't eat peanuts or strawberries etc.

All the characteristics you described are those of an alcoholic.

Be thankful you haven't experienced the yets.

btw, it's up to you if, it gets better or not

Mariposa18

StrongBird~ I can relate to what you are saying. I've told a few people about my drinking and like you I felt like I had to explain myself. The thoughts of "Wow, but I didn't do THAT!" creep into my mind as well and I think that may be why we feel others think it, because WE do and WE are alcoholics, so what must other people who aren't think?

I don't know if it gets easier, I'm hoping it does. I feel a lot of shame over being an addict, shame that seems to linger in the back of my mind no matter what I say to myself. We can't turn back time and we can't punish ourselves for the rest of our lives for mistakes we made. But many times that's easier said than done.

Isaiah

Telling the people I love about it was a little odd at first.

I often mistook the uncertainty of my friends and family negatively. I mean it's taking me months to come to terms with who *I* am as an alcoholic. I am coming around to the fact that my loved ones might be just as unsure of themselves as I am. If the people you tell love you and you love them, then your recovery is a team effort. I find it's taking a bit of work to bring my kin into understanding; there are moments when they "don't get it," and that can be frustrating. But to think of not having their support, I know that would be much worse than the occasional misunderstanding.

As for being a "better" alcoholic than some. I think (we alcoholics) do that because we are not yet comfortable with forgiving ourselves for the faults that did come out of our drinking. I have had a lot of moments where I've thought "I wasn't nearly as screwed up as that guy," but it's empty relief for me. The guilt on my chest doesn't get lighter when others' seems heavier.

We can't go back but we can forgive ourselves. Having our old ghosts haunting us takes the life out of us. It's crippling. Makes us forget that we can be good from now on (as best we can be.)

TryingSoHard

Can I relate? I could have WRITTEN that post, word for word. Every single bit of it is true for me. Except for one main thing: I haven't started admitting to people that I have a problem. I've only told 3 people - my husband, my best friend, and one other really good friend. And I haven't used "the a word" with any of them. I can't bring myself to do it. I did tell my one friend that I quit because I'm addicted to it - that's as close as I could get.

Tonight I told some people in my neighborhood bunco group that I don't drink anymore. That was a HUGE step for me. I'm a known drinker so when I turned down alcohol tonight of course the immediate response was, "Uh... why?!?" I didn't go into specifics or stories, I just said that I quit drinking... the hostess then asked, "Like - for GOOD??" and I said yep and she said, "Well wow! That's great! I'm so proud of you! WHY???"

I just kind of blew it off and when she asked if it was a new year's resolution I said kind of... but I'm just glad that they know. Maybe now they'll quit offering me alcohol!!

But to answer your original question - YES, I TOTALLY relate. I relate so much that I can't admit it to anyone yet. So you're doing better than me.

Aysha

The good thing about the the past is that it is in the past.
And the good thing about recovery is you dont have to live like an alcoholic anymore.
Just hang in there. Do the right thing. And there shouldnt be any reason for you to have to get defensive. Or be ashamed.

nocoincidence56

In the face of it all, my addiction(s) and their consequences, I am grateful for what I am. Had I not followed the course I did, I would not have found a level of being, which, I could never have imagined. The quality of life I have now is beyond anything I could have dreamed. It took what it took to get me here, and I am not ashamed of what I was or what I have become.......Sometimes the road to finding who we are is nightmarish and convoluted, seemingly infinite and impossible to escape. Yet when we arrive on the other side of it and look back, the sense of discovering who we are dwarfs any sense of defensiveness or need to justify ourselves to others.........

Spiritual Seeker

What other people think of you is not your business.
What is your business is to change the things you can...and that is to be a better mother, a better person. Way to go.

Keep focused on all the positive actions you take ea. day. That is all that matters.
Your drinking brought you to this day...to learn the lessons you are ready to learn.

Sugah

From what I've seen, it doesn't take one being an alcoholic for over-indulgence to bring out the unsavory aspects/distortions of someone's character. There's a lot of "socializing" in my profession/program of study, and after a few experiences seeing some of these otherwise intelligent, articulate people become slobbering bores, promiscuous and/or angry, I have confined my participation in social events to the afternoon and early evening when it's less likely that they'll be three sheets in the wind. To my knowledge, none have an admitted problem with alcohol, and they seem responsible and able to stay sober at other times.

My point is--the state of being drunk is likely to be offensive to a lot of folks. Live on or near a college campus for awhile. No way that all those folks are alcoholic!

The best way I know of influencing what others think about alcoholism is to be an example of a sober alcoholic.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Mark75

Hi SB

Excellent post - very eloquent - I know exactly what you mean.

People who are not alcoholic, in fact, DO have assumptions about what an alcoholic is, and they DO assume that they are of unsavory character. I told my dentist yesterday about my alcoholism/addiction (I had to tell him, too long to go into here...). He knows me and my family for years. While working he began to tell me about his brother, drinking too much, how he quit, but he didn't go to AA. He didn't need their help and he didn't need to be with a bunch of losers, "you know what I mean, right Mark?"... I am wondering if his comment isn't why I woke up in a funk this AM... He knows nothing about it, he doesn't need to know, but I was disappointed with him. But he is otherwise a nice, decent, caring guy, so... whatever.

Reality is that I am an alcoholic, I tended to go to the shame corner on this alot when I first got clean and sober. I guess I am tired now of being ashamed about it, I don't think it was my fault, and if it was, I didn't know it before it was too late. I didn't start out in life to be an alcoholic, just like I didn't mean to back my car into the telephone pole... So now, acceptance, and the realization that I won't feel more and worse shame if I stay clean and sober.

Nuggets of truth?? Large boulders of truth for me. Seeing those nuggets or boulders of truth, and never losing sight of them, help me with acceptance. If I become defensive, acceptance doesn't happen, which brings discontent, restlessness...

You asked if it gets any easier. At four months clean and sober, yes it gets easier, but the task is still difficult, we just get better at it.

Hang in there SB - excellent points with which we all can relate....

Mark

Rusty Zipper

birdy happy you see the truth about alcoholism...

thats huge...

it will all fall in place in time...

and the yets!

the was, was bad enough...

good wishes...

TryingSoHard

It's funny you say this, Mark. So I mentioned that last night at bunco I let it be known that I have quit drinking. Well, over the course of the night, I actually managed to be quite witty (which is TOTALLY unlike me - LOL!!!). After a particularly quick-witted one-liner, I even said, "And I didn't even need booze to come up with that!"

I told that to my husband and he said, "Wow, you've really come a long way. I think it's great that you could joke about it like that."

I didn't really think about it as me coming a long way... I tend to view it more that *I* don't want to make a big deal out of me quitting so that *they* don't make a big deal out of me quitting, ya know? I certainly don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me because I don't drink anymore. And, like I said, it's not like me to come up with the funny, quick zingers. Seemed like a pretty natural and appropriate follow-up line.

But I dunno, maybe it IS showing a bit of progress on my part. Not sure. I kinda feel like I'm "cheating" counting that as progress since I didn't tell anyone last night that I quit drinking because I HAD to. But hey, at least I told them.

Lenina

Alcoholism isn't a moral issue. It's a disease, which is, unfortunately not well understood by many people. There is no reason to feel shame because you have a treatable disease! The shame would be in not getting help for it!

You are not alone. Many of us can and do recover to go on to live good lives. In fact, many of us have much better lives because we have accepted a recovery program that addresses life.

Good luck to you and please stay around SR. It's a great resource.

Love,

Lenina

bodychek

My alcoholic brain still tells me that I am not an alcoholic, which reaffirms the fact that I am an alcoholic. I am the same kind of drunk as you, relatively high bottom materially but just as dark and low as any alcoholic mentally & emotionally. I was at the point many times where I had to struggle to muster up the courage to try to take my own life. Luckily I never succeeded. I can sit here and make up a million reasons why I am not an alcoholic but for me it gets down to personal acceptance.

How I accept this is that I constantly remind myself that (1) I have an obsession of my mind where I think about alcohol, drinking, and everything connected even remotely to drinking, and (2) when I drink I cannot stop. These simple 2 criteria keep me in acceptance that I am am alcoholic. I have shared my disease with a few non-alcoholics but for the most part it is a personal choice. My recovery is "my recovery", I am recovering for me. Those around me benefit from the person I have become and genuinely like to be with me today. Recovery has allowed me to truly be able to set aside those thoughts of "what will they think about me" because when I drink, there is noone in the world who can think as badly of me as I can think of myself.

bodychek

That has been my experience as well TryingSoHard. When I drank, it was in part to become the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be liked, funny, and the life of the party. Since I have been in recovery, I have actually become the guy I wanted to be and falsely became when I drank. Without booze, my mind is more clear and I am witty, funny, and am able to talk honestly and candidly with other human beings without feeling uncomfortable or worrying whether they like me or not.

Just another of the many gifts of recovery. Keep up the good work and you will continue to be amazed.

sugErspun

I think you answered your own question. If there were no truth to the reasons I felt ashamed/defensive, then it wouldn't really matter much. A thorough 4th step (after a thorough 1st, 2nd and 3rd) will clear this up and you can move past it. (I only mention a 4th step because the reference to AA in the intial post).

I felt ashamed - because there was a lot to feel ashamed about, I didn't know how to look at it 'from another angle'. I felt irratable and depressed - because that's what the truth of my life warranted at that point. Comparing the 'bad' things that I did to others (I never got a DUI, so I shouldn't feel as bad as those who did?) really isn't of much help - it only serves to keep me different. AA is a common solution for a common problem - alcoholism. The unique experiences as the result of alcoholism aren't what defines it.

I don't think by making a decision to attempt sobriety gives anyone a get out of jail free card from the feelings that come along with it. The truth is, most of us have been living lifes that we should feel ashamed of - regardless of high/low bottoms, disease beyond our control...Just as the promise of a life that makes sense, where we can be free of this stuff - comes through some work - our reality is defined by the truth of our existence and the life we live.

Start living a life you can be happy with and these feelings you have now will vanish.

How's that for a promise?

Emimily

What Suger said.

p.s. - my dad used to say that all I had to do was the next right thing, and everything would work out. He has been right so far. Allen H., a well-known oldtimer here, says to build self-esteem, start doing esteemable things. He is also right. My mom told me that no matter what happens, everything is always okay. She is right, too. Words of the way-wiser-than-me.

Anna

I agree with you that there are assumptions made about people who are alcoholics. Many people do not understand the disease at all and think it's just a character defect. I am very, very careful who I share my story with. I never tell anyone that I work with because it could not possibly do me any good and has potential to cause harm.

However, I am not ashamed or embarassed about it anymore. It is a part of who I am, It is not me. It is what I have to deal with in my life, as most people have some issues that they have to deal with. It has made me a better person.

Eclipse

Wow, I have never thought about it like that. But it sure makes sense.

TSH, you and I have always had similar views about this. I cannot say the "A" word either and I have only talked about it with my husband and my mom and my best friend...I told her I think I have a drinking problem and she said, "I don't think so, you just might want to have a glass of water between drinks, etc.." yea right.

Philly

Good Thread-

I can relate to everything you said. I do feel it is alot harder also if we have alot of not yets because we think we were not that bad. I do think some of us do something about it faster than others which is good but we could have also done something sooner.

I do not openly call myself an alcoholic because of the views people have of what an alcoholic is. The labeling is horrible. I know it is part of us but it is not all of us. Just about all my close friends know I stopped drinking. I drank way too much in front of way too many. Anyway as long as Iam convinced that I am an alcoholic - I'll be ok. If an alcoholic beverage is offered to me I just say no. I have a health issue where alcohol increases higher risk of reoccurance or worsening and many people also know about that. I do use that sometimes as an excuse ( which partly helps me not drink also) so I will not get questioned. Someone gave me a comeback to say "No thanks I had enough" which is pretty much how I hope to feel someday.