Swings and Roundabouts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 263
Swings and Roundabouts
So, I joined SR last week and stuck my toe in the water. It has to be said I was lacking optimism from the off. At best I hoped that I'd catch myself out, maybe slipping through a side-door into sobriety without myself noticing. Didn't happen.
In fact, I crashed into a crazy binge. The binge had consequences way beyond a hangover. Things have been bad.
I haven't had a drink for the last three nights, but it's been... tough. There are three things that are nagging at my mind at the moment.
1) I'm pretty sure that it's common for alcoholics to have some sort of mental illness diagnosis - or vice versa. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and at the moment there are possible concerns with my medication because of blood test results I've had recently. (I have regular comprehensive blood tests due to my bipolar medication. At least because of this I know that alcoholism hasn't damaged my organs yet.) It worries me, and drinking helps me not to be worried.
2) I've had so many viruses recently it's just not funny. Stomach, head, cold, flu, man-flu... one thing after another. It's not just me, it's the whole family, and it's wearing us out. On top of that, virus attacks are for me and many others a major trigger for depression, and drinking helps me to forget about depression. (Historically, I drink more heavily when I am either depressed or high.)
3) The god damn endless, dark, dreary grey wet misery of the Yorkshire bleak midwinter! Argh!!! Sod Heathcliffe, sod romantic soul searching over the barren tundra, sod the hardy, stout character of those forged in the stark, wind-beaten wilderness of rock, moss and bleating beasts... the fact is IT'S TOO BLOODY COLD, DARK AND MISERABLE ROUND HERE!!!
Damn, I want to move south.
In fact, I crashed into a crazy binge. The binge had consequences way beyond a hangover. Things have been bad.
I haven't had a drink for the last three nights, but it's been... tough. There are three things that are nagging at my mind at the moment.
1) I'm pretty sure that it's common for alcoholics to have some sort of mental illness diagnosis - or vice versa. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and at the moment there are possible concerns with my medication because of blood test results I've had recently. (I have regular comprehensive blood tests due to my bipolar medication. At least because of this I know that alcoholism hasn't damaged my organs yet.) It worries me, and drinking helps me not to be worried.
2) I've had so many viruses recently it's just not funny. Stomach, head, cold, flu, man-flu... one thing after another. It's not just me, it's the whole family, and it's wearing us out. On top of that, virus attacks are for me and many others a major trigger for depression, and drinking helps me to forget about depression. (Historically, I drink more heavily when I am either depressed or high.)
3) The god damn endless, dark, dreary grey wet misery of the Yorkshire bleak midwinter! Argh!!! Sod Heathcliffe, sod romantic soul searching over the barren tundra, sod the hardy, stout character of those forged in the stark, wind-beaten wilderness of rock, moss and bleating beasts... the fact is IT'S TOO BLOODY COLD, DARK AND MISERABLE ROUND HERE!!!
Damn, I want to move south.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 353
Hello,
I started much the same way you are. I wanted to "Slip through the side door". I didn't exactly do that, before long i was telling everyone on here and all of my friends, and my family that I was getting sober. The consequences of these actions scared me at first, but i was pleasantly suprised by all of the support I am receiving.
Stick around here, It has worked wonders for me.
P.S. I'm super cold too, and I loved what you wrote in your third point.
Heavy
I started much the same way you are. I wanted to "Slip through the side door". I didn't exactly do that, before long i was telling everyone on here and all of my friends, and my family that I was getting sober. The consequences of these actions scared me at first, but i was pleasantly suprised by all of the support I am receiving.
Stick around here, It has worked wonders for me.
P.S. I'm super cold too, and I loved what you wrote in your third point.
Heavy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
glad you are here and posting bov (hug)
Well...i sorta hoped i would just "catch " sobriety....went to alot of meetings drunk....and yes it heped get me there, but bottom line...getting sober does require some sort of ???? not sure what...but there don't seem to be any side doors
As far as the meds go.....I find it very important to work with my doctor to be sure i have appropriete medication...without that it is much much much harder to be sober, although is technically possible...just pretty miserable.
However, when drinking the meds never worked right so really hard to get the stuff right if we are still drinking.
Remember that alchohol may releive symptoms, but does nothing to fix the root causes...the long term...and of course it only temporarily eases the symptoms (including worry) and then ulitimately makes those symptoms worse.
Example...I didn't worry about my house repair problems when i drank..big relief...so i didn't worry and drank and now the house has hugely worse problems...I drank to ease the misery of pancreatitis...felt better for a while then back to the pain worse than before.
Please keep posting and work with your doctor. Sobriety AND a good life are possible (hhug)
Well...i sorta hoped i would just "catch " sobriety....went to alot of meetings drunk....and yes it heped get me there, but bottom line...getting sober does require some sort of ???? not sure what...but there don't seem to be any side doors
As far as the meds go.....I find it very important to work with my doctor to be sure i have appropriete medication...without that it is much much much harder to be sober, although is technically possible...just pretty miserable.
However, when drinking the meds never worked right so really hard to get the stuff right if we are still drinking.
Remember that alchohol may releive symptoms, but does nothing to fix the root causes...the long term...and of course it only temporarily eases the symptoms (including worry) and then ulitimately makes those symptoms worse.
Example...I didn't worry about my house repair problems when i drank..big relief...so i didn't worry and drank and now the house has hugely worse problems...I drank to ease the misery of pancreatitis...felt better for a while then back to the pain worse than before.
Please keep posting and work with your doctor. Sobriety AND a good life are possible (hhug)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Sobriety is its own reward, for me. I no longer have to hide evidence of my drinking or worry about things not getting done due to my drinking. I don't have to worry about getting a DWI or killing someone with my car. I wake up without a hangover and the misery and shame I used to feel all the time.
I am on meds for bipolar, depression, and anxiety. THey work a lot better now that I'm not drinking.
Hang on Bovine - it does get better.:ghug3
I am on meds for bipolar, depression, and anxiety. THey work a lot better now that I'm not drinking.
Hang on Bovine - it does get better.:ghug3
Eternal optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Welcome to SR Bovine
Two things--First, I understand the cold issue, it's 9 degrees here today and seeing the sunshine is rare as of late, I'm pretty sure I have seasonal affected disorder on top of personality disorders, this is no good because I am an outdoorsy-type. Secondly, alcohol attacks the immune system big time, if for no other reason that getting healthy and staying healthy do not drink. You can do it. Glad you're here :ghug3
Two things--First, I understand the cold issue, it's 9 degrees here today and seeing the sunshine is rare as of late, I'm pretty sure I have seasonal affected disorder on top of personality disorders, this is no good because I am an outdoorsy-type. Secondly, alcohol attacks the immune system big time, if for no other reason that getting healthy and staying healthy do not drink. You can do it. Glad you're here :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 263
Thanks everyone. Amazingly after the other night I'm back at square one again. I didn't drink last night, but even so I'm going to count today as day one... and you know, it's weird, but I have a feeling that I might just do it this time.
Beware: dump alert - yawny regurgitations of brain-auto-cannibalism ahead!
It's really difficult to pin down exactly what it is, but I just feel somehow different. Like I'm not just waiting to fail this time. Like I'm not just seeing how far I'll get before I give in. It's kind of like I'm not expecting failure, but I'm not expecting success either - it's more like success and failure are irrelevant, but I still haven't figured out exactly how to get a handle on that.
It's not even that I feel more "determined" this time, like I've rolled up my sleeves and leaned my (not inconsiderable) weight to the plough, prepared to shift it come what may with muscle, sweat, blood and grit... No. I don't feel as though there's any "effort" that I have to apply at all - but I don't really understand what that means to me either, so I've no hope to explain it to anyone else!
I know I'm not making sense. I guess that I just feel, for want of a better word, ready. Seriously, I use that word only for want of a better one. I'm sure there is one. I just can't think of it. And only time will tell if this is some sort of baffled idiot's dawn, or whether I really have had a tiny but significant epiphany of the soul.
Beware: dump alert - yawny regurgitations of brain-auto-cannibalism ahead!
It's really difficult to pin down exactly what it is, but I just feel somehow different. Like I'm not just waiting to fail this time. Like I'm not just seeing how far I'll get before I give in. It's kind of like I'm not expecting failure, but I'm not expecting success either - it's more like success and failure are irrelevant, but I still haven't figured out exactly how to get a handle on that.
It's not even that I feel more "determined" this time, like I've rolled up my sleeves and leaned my (not inconsiderable) weight to the plough, prepared to shift it come what may with muscle, sweat, blood and grit... No. I don't feel as though there's any "effort" that I have to apply at all - but I don't really understand what that means to me either, so I've no hope to explain it to anyone else!
I know I'm not making sense. I guess that I just feel, for want of a better word, ready. Seriously, I use that word only for want of a better one. I'm sure there is one. I just can't think of it. And only time will tell if this is some sort of baffled idiot's dawn, or whether I really have had a tiny but significant epiphany of the soul.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
It was a big step tp come back and I can relate to being "ready". You may, and I may falter once again or twice again but that readiness will be turning point. Good luck. Come here more often. It really helps. Post to inspire others and in the process you will inspire yourself.
On the road of happy destiny
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: OHIO
Posts: 210
I can relate to that feeling of finally being ready. I have no clue whatsoever as to what finally made me put down the drink and walk into the doors of AA aside from I was finally like, "ok, it's time." It was very calm. And I have no clue how I've managed to make it over a month without drinking but I'm just done thinking about it. One day at a time, fake it till you make it, blah blah. I'll let others do my thinking for me because this time it's finally working.
I hope this is it for you too! :ghug3
I hope this is it for you too! :ghug3
live to ride ride to live
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 1,390
I'm bipolar too and none of the meds they gave me ever worked while I was drinking, now that I'm sober things are getting better.
I also had to learn the hard way that drinking and depression didn't mix. My world was so bad when I drank away my feelings.
give your meds a chance to work by getting sober. I know it's hard but with good support you can do this.
I also had to learn the hard way that drinking and depression didn't mix. My world was so bad when I drank away my feelings.
give your meds a chance to work by getting sober. I know it's hard but with good support you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 263
Well, day 4, and wow, I'm getting the kind "honeymoon period" that I really needed - like at least, y'know, give me somethin' to hold on to before I start having to fight for breath! And now I do, so, hey.
Yesterday I was unbelievably productive. I couldn't sit still, so I did a ton of work, even walked to the shop instead of driving - and trust me that's a big step for me.
On the downside I'm emotionally surfing, looking out through glass. It's fragile. I've found I can suddenly and unpredictably wipe out, and have to reign in anger, tears, even goofy laughter. It comes, then just as suddenly it goes.
Also sleep is difficult. I'm waking up as early as 3am, getting up around 5 or 6, and that's fine, but then I can't stay awake on a night past around 7pm! I try to keep my eyes open, but it just doesn't happen.
This from a guy who has fought sleeping 10 or 12 hours a day, maybe from 4am through to early afternoon, for pretty much all my adult life. When I was playing in bands, this was no problem at all - in fact it was perfect. Get up, go play the gig, get smashed, start again. For a "family guy," well, it's less than ideal.
My wife doesn't know what to make of it all yet. She's sick and tired of my miserably failed attempts and past promises to stop drinking, so she's finding it hard to give a damn about this one. It's got so she's sneered at me, even got angry and upset at me when I've tried to stop in the past, right from the start. We've talked a bit, and though I can't show her what's in my head she's at least not going to make it harder by showing that she absolutely does not think I'm going to make it.
Thanks to everyone who's posted their helpful replies. I really appreciate it, and your support really is helping me through. The advice has helped me to keep my thinking short term and simple, and the support and shared stories have helped me to cope with and understand my withdrawals, my emotions, and my fears. Thank you.
Yesterday I was unbelievably productive. I couldn't sit still, so I did a ton of work, even walked to the shop instead of driving - and trust me that's a big step for me.
On the downside I'm emotionally surfing, looking out through glass. It's fragile. I've found I can suddenly and unpredictably wipe out, and have to reign in anger, tears, even goofy laughter. It comes, then just as suddenly it goes.
Also sleep is difficult. I'm waking up as early as 3am, getting up around 5 or 6, and that's fine, but then I can't stay awake on a night past around 7pm! I try to keep my eyes open, but it just doesn't happen.
This from a guy who has fought sleeping 10 or 12 hours a day, maybe from 4am through to early afternoon, for pretty much all my adult life. When I was playing in bands, this was no problem at all - in fact it was perfect. Get up, go play the gig, get smashed, start again. For a "family guy," well, it's less than ideal.
My wife doesn't know what to make of it all yet. She's sick and tired of my miserably failed attempts and past promises to stop drinking, so she's finding it hard to give a damn about this one. It's got so she's sneered at me, even got angry and upset at me when I've tried to stop in the past, right from the start. We've talked a bit, and though I can't show her what's in my head she's at least not going to make it harder by showing that she absolutely does not think I'm going to make it.
Thanks to everyone who's posted their helpful replies. I really appreciate it, and your support really is helping me through. The advice has helped me to keep my thinking short term and simple, and the support and shared stories have helped me to cope with and understand my withdrawals, my emotions, and my fears. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Hi BPB!
It's great to see you here. I am at Day 14 (after MANY slips and falls) and my sleep schedule was horrible during the first week or so. Also, I've noticed my anxiety and worries have gone WAY down since my last drink and I hear that alot from others as well.
One suggestion I have, especially from someone who comes from the long dreary days of rain capitol of the US with the largest population of SAD sufferer's, is to consider getting a light box or some full-spectrum light bulbs to have in your home in place of sunlight, it will also help you get back on your regular circadian rhythms.
I hope those help! Looking forward to seeing you around on here, and post away!
-LD
It's great to see you here. I am at Day 14 (after MANY slips and falls) and my sleep schedule was horrible during the first week or so. Also, I've noticed my anxiety and worries have gone WAY down since my last drink and I hear that alot from others as well.
One suggestion I have, especially from someone who comes from the long dreary days of rain capitol of the US with the largest population of SAD sufferer's, is to consider getting a light box or some full-spectrum light bulbs to have in your home in place of sunlight, it will also help you get back on your regular circadian rhythms.
I hope those help! Looking forward to seeing you around on here, and post away!
-LD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 263
Thanks LaDita. Yeah, good idea - I've considered light boxes before, a good few years ago, but they were too expensive for me at the time. I'm not sure if they've come any cheaper recently, but I'll have another look into them.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Hang in BPB
After a while longer I am sure that your wife will come around and be more supportive. Perhaps you have hurt her too many times in the past and she just needs to trust you and the fact you are serious this time.
I an in the same boat on this front and if you are like me the pattern is say you will "cut down" Do it for a little while(few days) and after things get back to normal start drinking again.
Get off that treadmill. Like all treadmills it doesn't lead to anywhere.
After a while longer I am sure that your wife will come around and be more supportive. Perhaps you have hurt her too many times in the past and she just needs to trust you and the fact you are serious this time.
I an in the same boat on this front and if you are like me the pattern is say you will "cut down" Do it for a little while(few days) and after things get back to normal start drinking again.
Get off that treadmill. Like all treadmills it doesn't lead to anywhere.
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