tanyapmc

You know.......weirder than normal?

I will have 2 years clean and sober on Saturday. I am really grateful for that. My DOC was opiates and benzos. But I drank a lot of Nyquil too. I would have eaten green beans if they would have changed the way I felt.

My life is SO SO SO much better than when I was using. Hell, I didn't have a life. All I did was use and go to the doctor and get more pills. I was always in fear of running out. I would run out many times and had many seizures as the result of benzo withdrawal.

I ended up back in rehab Jan 2007. It was my 7th treatment center. I am not proud of that but such is life. I got there and started having seizures my 3rd day there. They could not control them in the rehab and I ended up in the hospital. They also could not control them so I ended up on a breathing machine in ICU for a week.

When they were intubating me (sticking the tube down my throat) they had given me the paralyzing medication but my mind was still awake. I remember every moment of being intubated. It was horrific. I think that is where I did my first step. I knew that I was powerless over chemicals and that obviously my life was unmanageable.

It was an awful experience and I am so very grateful for that experience because now when I think of using I go back to that thought and experience. I never want to go through that again. I never want my loved ones to have to watch me in ICU and not breathing on my own.

WELL, OK. I do not know why I put all that here. Hopefully it will help someone.

As I said, I am almost 2 years clean and sober. Totally by God's grace. I am in school and getting my bachelors in Social work. I am married to a wonderful man who put up with all of that shite for 15 years.

But I just feel a bit "off" A little depressed. Not crying depressed. Just not as happy as I "think" I should be.

Alot has happened this last year. My parents moved in. We had a huge hurricane. There was a lot of upheaval.

I think I miss the excitement. I don't know about all of you but I got really excited about scoring and using.

I no longer have real lows but I also do not have real highs.

I don't know what all of this means but I just needed to get it out.

I am grateful to be clean and sober. I think sobriety rocks and if this is as good as it gets then this is good enough.

Thanks for reading!

Aysha

You have definately had quite a year here.
I dont know much about getting weird around sobriety dates. Because I bever make it to one.
But I have heard people say the same thing before.
I dont know why it is.
Maybe it is because it reminds people of the awful place they use to be.
And maybe because they either may regret..or miss it a little. Might be alot of things all together.
But 2 years is really wonderful.
I cant even imagine myself with several months. Let alone years.
You have done some really selfless things this past year.
And you made it through all that craziness.
Keep doing your thing.

Dee74

I'm not that far behind you so I think I know a little bit of what you mean.

Could be anniversary blues, it seems to be pretty common...sometimes I get that when I look over the year...not even sobriety dates either - real bdays and New Years too...

I know us alkies tend to get PAWS hot spots around 3 months 6 months, one year, two years as well...I'm sure the healing process must be similar in many ways.

Knowing you a little, I think you might be bored tho.
You have a good mind and many talents - maybe you need more to do?.

As for missing excitement, I used to think that too. A lot of people think that way, and I think a lot of people are seduced by that in the end.

I think its a crock tho. LOL

Look back at your life and how small it was - no wonder scoring and using were so exciting - it was all you based your life on. Me too.

We have a chance now to build new lives and new pleasures, new joys - and lasting ones, not short term BS.

And that's the most exciting thing of all - we're only limited by our imagination

See you on the 17th Tan
D

CAPTAINZING2000

Trying to think back at my second year.

Hmm

I still am weird

You see your goal of picking up another year and you hope, not to get tripped up.
I'm going on ten years and getting closer to my birthday, I'll hit a meeting a night just to keep me grounded to what, I've went thru.

There is no other life for me then this one. I don't want to ever go back to the way it was right before I came into AA and got sober.


Big time grats on two years. Wishing you many more to come

Done_With_It

I don't with meth, but I quit cutting and purging (from a life long eating disorder) and I often think okay, well I have gone for 3 years now.......... Part of me feels like I am betraying a part of me,,,,, fckeed up but true......

Jules62

You've had a rough past year sweetie :hugs:

And-I also think-you sound a bit....bored?Maybe you need some things to look forward to?(I'm talking about myself here too)

I can't talk about sobriety dates because I've messed up so many of them-but I do know that if I don't have goals-something to work for, and look forward to?It's too easy to start thinking about the 'good old days'(that weren't actually good-I just glorify them) and wonder if life will ever be that interesting again.....

It will.You had a passion for things once and I believe it's still inside of you.We just have to work a little harder to rediscover it this time.I know-that's boring too eh? LOL

But you can-and you will.Cos you are a winner,

Love you,

Julesxox

Rowan

Great thread, Tan. One thing that stuck out for me was where you mentioned that you were just not as 'happy' as you ought to be. I remember saying the very same thing in my relapse prevention group early in the summer.

My addictions doc, who just celebrated 29 yrs clean and sober, reminded me that I was where I was supposed to be, and that just being clean and sober was a miracle and cause for celebration. I wish I could remember all of what he said. That it wasn't helpful to place expectations on myself - to try to accept where I was for that day, rather than to force a state of mind.

What I believe is that anniversaries are times for us to pause and reflect on how far we have come. It makes sense, then, that we might experience feelings of sadness or depression while remembering.

I hear a lot of gratitude in your post, Tanho. Thanks for sharing it here.

Hugs.

stone

I remember at 6 months sober thinking "this isn't as good as I expected, I don't feel as happy as I thought I would be, or as healthy"...of course I had lost perspective on how much better I was compared to when I was drinking....I just felt a bit let down and flat.

You haven't lost that perspective though, that's good!

You HAVE had a lot to deal with this year, maybe it has taken it's toll on you a bit.

Or it could be that you are ready for a challenge? Maybe like Dee and Jules say, there is some boredom creeping in?

Also there is something about anniversaries for some reaon.

You are doing great.

citychick

I'm 27 months now, and I've gotten weird around both my birthdays.

And, I have absolutely no idea why. I didn't want to use, but I did feel...anxious and unsettled for a couple of weeks leading up to the birthdays.

shaun00

I have had this.....not every years but some years.
Come to think of it maybe it was the first few..
I cant remember feelings of unsettlement and depression before my last anniversary..
But i did speak to my sponsor about it some years ago...and he replied.
"maybe its because you lose the keep it in the day element?"
Looking foward to a anniversary makes me drift off into the future i.e....im nearly....or im gonna be.....
Worth a thought and it helped me..
Sounds like you had a tuff year so your bound to be emotionaly tired.
I think there is a element of reflection on past horrors and where alcohol or drugs took you as well..........maybe a bit of all this....trucker

least

There's something about sober anniversaries... Maybe it's a sadness from looking back and trepidation from looking forward. I hope you feel a bit better real soon!:ghug3

parentrecovers

hugs to ya! you certainly have come a long way. and thanks for sharing your story.

:ghug3

k

Tazman53

Congrats on almost 2 years, I must be the odd sort, or it could be that being focused on taking a couple of sponsees through the steps then that where I came from and where I was at was kept fresh in my mind. In the BB it does say that when all else fails working with another alcoholic will keep one sober.

This coming year I plan on getting back into camping, fishing and hunting a lot more, those are things I have put on the back burner in my early sobriety. The longer I am sober the more things I am bringing back into my life that fell to the wayside due to my drinking taking over my life.

Perhaps it is time to start getting back into things you quit doing, or to start things you have wanted to do and have not.

Ananda

I actually believe that no matter where we are at at the moment..the best is yet to come.....maybe a few bumps along the way...but the best is ALWAYS yet to come..

you have a lot to look foward to Tano!!!! (hug)

Impurrfect

(((Tanya)))

I'm a couple months behind you, but Anvil sent me some info when I hit 18 months that said some of us do go through phases when we hit our anniversaries. Not a true depression, but for me it was like "so this is it, huh?" I'm very grateful, but also feel there's more I should be doing. Maybe we've put expectations on ourselves of where we SHOULD be instead of just appreciating where we ARE?

Heck, I don't even need an anniversary, lately, to get these feelings, just hormones However, all I need to do is what you've done...go back to the beginning of where I started. Where we were, and where we are...for most of us, we've come a long, long way.

When all else fails, a gratitude list and helping someone else always works for me

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Horselover

Thanks Tanya for sharing and 2 years is awesome!! You have been through a lot and no wonder you sometimes "think" longingly of the escape mechanism you "used" to have. You have faced life for 2 years and this past year was a whopper, but you did it!! You can face anything now. I don't have nearly 2 years, but I have the moments of wanting to pour that glass of wine. I think its normal to think back wistfully on those days, but then our rational voice takes over and tells us how it REALLY was. How we REALLY effected those we loved.

Love you and wish you only the best in the here and now and the future too. Thanks for sharing with us.

tanyapmc

Thank you all for your responses.

I have taken them all to heart and thought about them.

I do think boredom is one of my problems. I am going to look for a part time job. I have some leads already.

I am still concerned about the depression that I have been having. I am going to talk to the psych doc that was with me during detox. I am not consigned to taking pills for it, but I am not going to close my mind to that either.

Thanks again. I think you are all awesome!

Rowan

Wii love you, Tanho.

Dee74

D

gypsytears

I'm late to this so all the good stuff has been said. Just wanted to give you a hug .

Keep at it Tan. I'm glad you're talking to your doctor and maybe a part time job will help. Or volunteer work maybe?