I really need advice or wisdom on this please!
letting God take the wheel...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
I really need advice or wisdom on this please!
Hi, its been a while since I have posted anything on here- Today is my five month sobriety mark and I feel really good right now in regards to staying strong in my sobriety..However, one aspect of my life is starting to get me thinking hard...that is my personal intimate relationship with my boyfriend. Together for five years from age twenty to now almost tweny six, we spent alot of our relationship doing the drinking and partying and just acting our age for the most part- my issues with drinking however were always a big problem in our relationship- now this being said, I will tell you that my boyfriend "self medicates" or whatever you want to call it, EVERY DAY...with pot. He usually wakes up and gets stoned and continues throughout the day until nighttime when he is usually stoned when he passes out for bed. Well I never found it appropriate to point fingers since I was a lush- but now that I am working hard to stay sober and dealing with my **** his stupid pot addiction is really starting to **** me off. He is a total jerk when he doesnt have it, and I know even though he says" he could quit anytime, he just doesnt want to...is a total lie- he is addicted and its like this huge red flag is waving in front of me. Some people ask me why do I care and let it bother me? He is not hurting anyone right? He is a really easygoing jovial guy to be around so its not like when I was drinking and would turn into a completely different horrbile person right? Well regardless of those facts its still really diffucult for me to be accepting of this. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation? I wonder how often a relationship survives when one half is living clean and sober and the other is existing is a lackadaisical fog puttering through each day ...I have invested alot of hard work into my sobriety and to be honest I was soooo sick of the finger being pointed at me in my relationship it was a HUGE motivater to finally get sober, so our relationship wouldnt suffer anymore..Well its been a huge weight off of it sure, but now I am kind of seeing all these other things I missed before when I was busy being the wasted idiot. He has some major issues. And if I may go slightly off track for a moment- I am thinking alot more about my future and the things I want out of life..My boyfriend works as a cook in a restraunt, he is almost 26 and shows no intrest in really stepping it up " career wise"...He has such horrible credit and he acts like it aint no thang...I dont feel very secure as far as him fulfilling certain things I want from a future mate- I have been told by people " he will grow up it just takes some people longer" ...Well how long am I supposed to wait? I sure as hell am not going to be like one of those women I have heard of who brings home the bacon and has all of the assets and financial obligations for "two" in her name while some guy is riding on my coat tail trying to figure his passions out- The way I see it is nothing will change as long as he continues to be a stupid ass stoner. I love him tons, but I just feel really stuck- then add all of the other rides Im taking on my emotional rollercoaster through sobriety I just need a little non biast input PLEASE! I am sorry to ramble on and on but I really apprecaite any advice. Thnaks, Kristen
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi Kristen,
When I read your posts, it sounded to me like you already know what is the best thing to do. It's very hard when people don't grow in the same direction, but it happens. It sounds like this is something that you don't want to live with, and that you know you are ready to move your life to a diffrerent level than your boyfriend.
When I read your posts, it sounded to me like you already know what is the best thing to do. It's very hard when people don't grow in the same direction, but it happens. It sounds like this is something that you don't want to live with, and that you know you are ready to move your life to a diffrerent level than your boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 76
Sounds like you're outgrowing him. I know it can be confusing and challenging. The person who motivates us initially can begin to hold us back... Stay true to yourself. It takes so much courage to be honest with ourselves and you are doing great. Congratulations on 5 months and on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
lou lou.....wow 5 months....way to go..that truly is an achievement.
Im sorry to hear of your problems and to be honest im not great with romantic advice..lol...
But maybe its worth saying..."look hun i love you dearly and i want to put our relationship on a stable and heathly footing..and for this to happen the cannabis needs to go or i will..
I guess that sounds harsh but you are soooooooo young and have the rest of your life ahead of you...(im starting to sound like a dad)
Hopefully he will see what he could lose and stop or get help to stop..
The wonderful part is you got sober.........well done...............trucker
Im sorry to hear of your problems and to be honest im not great with romantic advice..lol...
But maybe its worth saying..."look hun i love you dearly and i want to put our relationship on a stable and heathly footing..and for this to happen the cannabis needs to go or i will..
I guess that sounds harsh but you are soooooooo young and have the rest of your life ahead of you...(im starting to sound like a dad)
Hopefully he will see what he could lose and stop or get help to stop..
The wonderful part is you got sober.........well done...............trucker
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
Way to go with 5 months.
It makes sense that things would be changing in your relationship - you sure have made a big change!
I remember years ago (like 30) a psych teacher giving this analogy about close relationships that I think about sometime. She said that close units (like families) act kind of like a mobile - and when one member of the unit makes a change, the rest adjust in reaction to that change. I find this image comes to me a lot around change - how the dynamic affects others we are close to, and if adjustment does not happen then things get out of whack. I think life works that way a lot (not all the time).
Though I am not in AA, I have been to meetings over the years and have heard some great stories there about changing relationships after sobriety. I am sure you will find lots of stories here too - maybe under the thread about sobriety stories (members with > one year) or in AA or Smart Recovery or Life Ring or Women for Sobriety meetings there would be more stories.
You are sure doing great with both sobriety and looking at this thing with your BF. Thanks for your post. Keep posting!
It makes sense that things would be changing in your relationship - you sure have made a big change!
I remember years ago (like 30) a psych teacher giving this analogy about close relationships that I think about sometime. She said that close units (like families) act kind of like a mobile - and when one member of the unit makes a change, the rest adjust in reaction to that change. I find this image comes to me a lot around change - how the dynamic affects others we are close to, and if adjustment does not happen then things get out of whack. I think life works that way a lot (not all the time).
Though I am not in AA, I have been to meetings over the years and have heard some great stories there about changing relationships after sobriety. I am sure you will find lots of stories here too - maybe under the thread about sobriety stories (members with > one year) or in AA or Smart Recovery or Life Ring or Women for Sobriety meetings there would be more stories.
You are sure doing great with both sobriety and looking at this thing with your BF. Thanks for your post. Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
i was/still am/fighting hard not be anymore a stoner like ur boyfriend..
Now i can say it messed up my relationship of 5,5 years. three months or so single now. It caused me to go to deep into myself, not being able to get out anymore.
(it's not all my fault, but hey smoking that **** sure helped)
take care, hope u 2 will find a way..
Now i can say it messed up my relationship of 5,5 years. three months or so single now. It caused me to go to deep into myself, not being able to get out anymore.
(it's not all my fault, but hey smoking that **** sure helped)
take care, hope u 2 will find a way..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NE
Posts: 11
Right on with five months, that's a truly great achievement that you gotta be proud as HELL about!
Anyways, everyone's advice is so true. One said you were outgrowing him.... it sounds like you are. You've matured. You're blossoming in your own sober life, and he doesn't know what life not stoned is. Though substance abuse is substance abuse, I've always tried to logically (in the beginning, not now ha) explain my use of marijuana as a "reward". I would go to school, study, lift weights, get EVERYTHING I had to do DONE with NO looking forward to smoking pot, and then smoke a little later at night. It was great. However, it did not last.
If your boyfriend feels the need to be high all the time, which is truly despicable with whatever substance (as we all probably know), then he may not be worth your time. In fact, if, as another said, you're upset about it and it does need to be addressed, then he ISN'T worth your time. Consider yourself in a new relationship, a five month one. You've met a stoner, and you don't drink/smoke anymore. Oh, and it's 2009, a new year. Start it off fresh if your boyfriend's reliance on pot (which seems to be one that will not diminish simply by you asking him to stop) is that hard and upsetting to you. It's not worth it, as you're SO much more beautiful with your new found sobriety. There's a world out there that doesn't include unmotivated potheads that we have to contend with
. Babe, the sky is your limit.
Anyways, everyone's advice is so true. One said you were outgrowing him.... it sounds like you are. You've matured. You're blossoming in your own sober life, and he doesn't know what life not stoned is. Though substance abuse is substance abuse, I've always tried to logically (in the beginning, not now ha) explain my use of marijuana as a "reward". I would go to school, study, lift weights, get EVERYTHING I had to do DONE with NO looking forward to smoking pot, and then smoke a little later at night. It was great. However, it did not last.
If your boyfriend feels the need to be high all the time, which is truly despicable with whatever substance (as we all probably know), then he may not be worth your time. In fact, if, as another said, you're upset about it and it does need to be addressed, then he ISN'T worth your time. Consider yourself in a new relationship, a five month one. You've met a stoner, and you don't drink/smoke anymore. Oh, and it's 2009, a new year. Start it off fresh if your boyfriend's reliance on pot (which seems to be one that will not diminish simply by you asking him to stop) is that hard and upsetting to you. It's not worth it, as you're SO much more beautiful with your new found sobriety. There's a world out there that doesn't include unmotivated potheads that we have to contend with
. Babe, the sky is your limit.
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Kristen,
Your experience here is almost a carbon copy of my girlfriend's. It was quite eerie reading your post.
My girlfriend and I began dating over 2 years ago. We were both active drinkers and pot smokers. Pot was my drug of choice, and her's was both alcohol AND pot.
One evening, we were talking on the phone, and she asked me, "Whenever I feel emotion, my first instinct is to drink. Do you think something is wrong?" I asked her if it was every time she felt some kind of emotion that was troubling. She said yes. And I said, "If your first instinct is to drink, then I think you may have a drinking problem."
But she already knew what she had to do. So she got sober, early on in our relationship. Her emotional and spiritual progress has been huge. But there was another problem: my every day pot smoking.
See, pot was my drug of choice. I was addicted and smoking it every day. When I wasn't high, I was obsessing about when I could smoke more pot. When I was out of pot, or just getting close to the end of the bag, I was NOT fun to be around.
I was lying about how much I was smoking. She tolerated it, but she couldn't be around it. I respected her sobriety, but was lost in my own addiction. Pot was more important to me than anything.
So I was spending more and more time apart from her- and it got to the point where I wouldn't see her for days because I just wanted to get high all the time. I wanted to live in my own defined world.
She broke up with me this past December, because she didn't feel like she was even in a relationship anymore. I had been so selfish. She was sober, I wasn't. 2 different lifestyles. The breakup rattled me to the core. I squandered alot of great times with her to smoke pot.
I got sober 2 days later. I had realized I was letting things crumble around me. But I had to get sober for ME, not anyone else. And even though the breakup was horrifying, I think it needed to happen. She wasn't getting anything from the relationship, and I needed something in my life to happen to make me realize what an A-hole I was being because of my addiction.
I have been sober for 36 days, and my girlfriend and I have reconciled. We are working things out. But I MUST say this again: if your boyfriend ever gets sober, he should get sober for himself. Sure, being sober either way is better, but it is a much healthier approach in bettering yourself for you.
I do recommend Al-Anon meetings, as they are helpful for alot of people whose spouses, SO's or family members use.
I wish you the best, and without fear clouding judgment, trust your intuition on what you need to do to protect your OWN sobriety and well being.
Much love
Your experience here is almost a carbon copy of my girlfriend's. It was quite eerie reading your post.
My girlfriend and I began dating over 2 years ago. We were both active drinkers and pot smokers. Pot was my drug of choice, and her's was both alcohol AND pot.
One evening, we were talking on the phone, and she asked me, "Whenever I feel emotion, my first instinct is to drink. Do you think something is wrong?" I asked her if it was every time she felt some kind of emotion that was troubling. She said yes. And I said, "If your first instinct is to drink, then I think you may have a drinking problem."
But she already knew what she had to do. So she got sober, early on in our relationship. Her emotional and spiritual progress has been huge. But there was another problem: my every day pot smoking.
See, pot was my drug of choice. I was addicted and smoking it every day. When I wasn't high, I was obsessing about when I could smoke more pot. When I was out of pot, or just getting close to the end of the bag, I was NOT fun to be around.
I was lying about how much I was smoking. She tolerated it, but she couldn't be around it. I respected her sobriety, but was lost in my own addiction. Pot was more important to me than anything.
So I was spending more and more time apart from her- and it got to the point where I wouldn't see her for days because I just wanted to get high all the time. I wanted to live in my own defined world.
She broke up with me this past December, because she didn't feel like she was even in a relationship anymore. I had been so selfish. She was sober, I wasn't. 2 different lifestyles. The breakup rattled me to the core. I squandered alot of great times with her to smoke pot.
I got sober 2 days later. I had realized I was letting things crumble around me. But I had to get sober for ME, not anyone else. And even though the breakup was horrifying, I think it needed to happen. She wasn't getting anything from the relationship, and I needed something in my life to happen to make me realize what an A-hole I was being because of my addiction.
I have been sober for 36 days, and my girlfriend and I have reconciled. We are working things out. But I MUST say this again: if your boyfriend ever gets sober, he should get sober for himself. Sure, being sober either way is better, but it is a much healthier approach in bettering yourself for you.
I do recommend Al-Anon meetings, as they are helpful for alot of people whose spouses, SO's or family members use.
I wish you the best, and without fear clouding judgment, trust your intuition on what you need to do to protect your OWN sobriety and well being.
Much love
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Good to see you again Lou Lou.
I think theres a lot of good advice here.
talk to your bf tho - if he is an addictive user, and he sounds like he might be, he deserves all the help and support that we all do...but ultimately it's his choice to do something about it, not yours. That never works.
It's your choice then to decide whatever it is you decide to do
D
I think theres a lot of good advice here.
talk to your bf tho - if he is an addictive user, and he sounds like he might be, he deserves all the help and support that we all do...but ultimately it's his choice to do something about it, not yours. That never works.
It's your choice then to decide whatever it is you decide to do
D
letting God take the wheel...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
WOW! I love you all and truly greatly appreciate you taking the time to read and write responses..each and everyone has helped me alot, I really felt like I needed some justification in feeling the way I do. I have what I think will be a very difficult decision to make here soon...I just dont know how to say the things I am feeling to him..I tried to talk to him yesterday when we had a date and went to lunch. I tried nicely to ease into .." so , I am just curious...what are your thoughts on the future as far as us growing up" bla bla bla...I always end up feeling like a nag or "motherly". He is like a big baby...but i cant just be bop around anymore pretending like it will all just work out, I really need to be proactive in my life! When I tell him I dont like certain things or am unhappy he says" well maybe you should just break up with me then if your so unhappy"! Then I wonder how someone who has spent five years going through so much with you that claims to love you can just so easily disregard your feelings with the worlds laziest scape goat line! It hurts ya know? Its a hard pill to swallow.....Is it so worng that I want to be with somone motivated and that can be a provider? I dont expect rose petals and diamonds! NEVER HAVE! I just want to security for my future and I want to have a family and get married and the man I once saw as my perfect mtach seems slightly less perfect! THIS SUCKS! Am I asking for something rediculous? I want total honesty please!!! I know money and things dont buy happiness but I have to say that it sure helps to alleviate some of that stress and being with somone who is content with just the bare minumum as far as responsibility and life in general..well its kinda freaks me out!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
honesty?
You don't need this man in your new life.
I left my still drinking lover of 5 years because we no longer
shared the same goals and lifestyles.
He survived...I've thrived....
Congratulations on your 5 months
You don't need this man in your new life.
I left my still drinking lover of 5 years because we no longer
shared the same goals and lifestyles.
He survived...I've thrived....
Congratulations on your 5 months
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
CONGRATULATIONS ON 5 MONTHS!!
Recovery really does change everything!
Some of the things that we once thought were so important in our lives now seem trivial and things that we thought weren't relevent suddenly become a priority. I like to think of it as the fog being lifted and reality setting in.
I'm 46 years old and it took me until I was 42 to get Clean & Sober . . . and to grow up. It's kind of ironic that in Recovery, we're to take things One Day at A Time, don't worry about tomorrow. But at the same time, we do have to do things to assure that our futures are secure as far as financial situations. It took me all of these years to realize that life isn't one big party. I had no plans for anything, except where to get the next high or drunk from. I do struggle from day to day at times with finances as a result.
I highly encourage you to do what you know, in your heart, that you need to do. If you aren't happy anymore with this man, then it might be time to move on. It sounds like to me that you feel somewhat obligated to stay with him since he "stood by you" when you were drinking. Recovery is a selfish process. You have to do what you have to do FOR YOU! I haven't been in a relationship since I have been in Recovery for several reasons. Mainly that I know I have alot of work to do on myself, I'm finally discovering who Judy is. I know for me, I can't think about being in a relationship and loving someone else until I know who I am, and can say that I love myself. I'm still finding me.
Again, Congratulations on five months! That is quite an accomplishment. Hold your head up, love yourself and know that you will make the right decision for you.
Hugs & Prayers,
Judy
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Originally Posted by LouLou629 
...Then I wonder how someone who has spent five years going through so much with you that claims to love you can just so easily disregard your feelings with the worlds laziest scape goat line! It hurts ya know? Its a hard pill to swallow.....Is it so worng that I want to be with somone motivated and that can be a provider? I dont expect rose petals and diamonds! NEVER HAVE! I just want to security for my future and I want to have a family and get married and the man I once saw as my perfect mtach seems slightly less perfect! THIS SUCKS! Am I asking for something rediculous? I want total honesty please!!! I know money and things dont buy happiness but I have to say that it sure helps to alleviate some of that stress and being with somone who is content with just the bare minumum as far as responsibility and life in general..well its kinda freaks me out!
A few things stand out here in this post, and first off, I can only speak for myself. A few realizations I have had along this journey in life have come awhile back and even recently. And I will continue to discover more.
To put it bluntly: we shouldn't need anyone. We should be with someone because we enjoy them, not because we need them.
When I have latched onto a relationship and measured my self worth with a relationship, I realize now that this is not healthy behavior. A relationship can be treated the same way as alcohol or drugs: it makes us feel better. I have been seriously codependent in the past: i.e. a "security" reltionship, a comfortable relationship. But I realized I didn't love this person.
Another thing I have found: there is no "perfect" match. Part of my growth has been a realization that nothing or nobody is perfect. Part of recovery is accepting that perfection doesn't exist. Never has, and never will. As a recovering addict, I always expected perfection.
If you aren't happy in the relationship and have let him know, and he behaves like he doesn't really care, then yes, it seems you have a decision to make. I'm not saying what you should do, but I think you may know anyway.
Staying sober opens the door for personal growth, but it is a choice to walk through that open doorway.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
I think you got some great responses. One of my favorite sayings in regards to being around others that are still using........"If you hang around in a barber shop, eventually you're going to get a hair cut."
To me that's just way too much temptation. Good luck with the whole thing. I think you sound great but I believe you already know what you need for yourself.
To me that's just way too much temptation. Good luck with the whole thing. I think you sound great but I believe you already know what you need for yourself.
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