frame31

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. It was dysfunctional not because of alcoholism but rather schizophrenia. Because my parents had to deal with my brother and his mental illness, my needs were basically ignored. I was the family hero--caretaking my brother and my parents, always responsible, never a person that had to worried about, etc. As a result of this, in adult relationships, I have played the role of rescuer, responsible caretaker and I have generally ingore my own needs. I am told this is like the adult child of an alcoholic parent. Anyway I have tried to assert myself more lately when it comes to my current relationships, particularly those with women. I have a female friend who is a recovering alcoholic (sober about 8 months and working on her 4th step) and she is always saying how selfish men are and how selfish those in AA are and that she is told this in AA. She has, herself, a bad habit of not calling me back or saying she will call back and not doing so for weeks. So, in my new mode of assertiveness, I mentioned to her that she did not call me back when she said she would and that I would appreciate more respectful communication than that in the future. She then blew a gasket. "You are not my parole officer!" Then she accused me of being self centered and egotistical. I don't feel I am and if anything I have ignored my own needs in relationships all my life. Am I being selfish by making a reasonable request in a reasonable way of her? I' m not trying to be a parole officer but I do want respect and it makes me feel very unimportant when a friend does not call be back. Is there something I am missing in the dynamic of AA with her or in my own new found assertiveness? Just because you assert yourself as you don't want to be a doormat, does that make one self centered?

CarolD

I've been sucessfully AA recovered for years and
I can absolutely tell you that the AA program
has nothing to do with her treatment of you.

Some relationships are not meant to be forever ...
as we grow and change....we make different choices.

My circle of friends has changed many times along the way.
....These days...I choose to have non toxic people around
and perhaps that's something you want to do too.

Hope you find peace on this matter.
...Welcome to SR!

desertdonna

I don't think you're making an unreasonable request at all. It's good that you are creating boundaries. Common courtesy on a consistent basis comes from healthy integrity. I would certainly want that for myself, as well as extending it to others. It has nothing to do with being egocentric.

It sounds like you're demonstrating some healthy self awareness. Your friend sounds like she is not working the 4th step, but rather playing a blame game and you're getting caught in the cross fire.

Thanks for posting, and take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Hugs,
Donna

msh58

really like what you did.

I guess you're supposed to be her safety net and just ignore any needs you yourself might have at all times. I think you were supposed to be on call at all times also when needed by her.

Just sorry this one didn't work out for you. She's out of her mind.

Good luck with the next one.

Ananda

when I was first learning to be assertive (and even today) if found that it was often hard to not swing from unassertive to aggressive.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong in a written format. Sometimes though it is the tone of voice or look on the face or something like taht that causes a reaction strongly in another.

That said....alot of people simply don't want us to stop groveling to thier will

But it doesn't really matter.....cause you have to practice being assertive in order to get there and if I keep paying attention to how/when it works and when it seems to backfire, i eventually get better at it.

Sounds to me like you are on the right track and doing what you need to do to overcome some dysfunctional childhood issues :ghug3

least

I agree with Carol about staying away from toxic people. This woman seems to have 'issues' and may not be capable right now of being in any sort of relationship with you, even if it's just friends. Do whatever is necessary to keep YOU healthy.

:ghug3

Anna

I think you need to have boundaries and decide what is acceptable to you.

But, I do not think you should expect another person to do what you want them to do.

We are all on our own journeys.

shaun00

hi frame..you said..
""and she is always saying how selfish men are and how selfish those in AA are and that she is told this in AA.""..
Dont sound like an AA meeting to me..and i would find this quite offensive..
To be honest and this is only my opinion...im getting worn out with people saying......AA is this and aa is that..i dont want to do this or i dont like the religion stuff......or i dont want to share or la la la la...
Remeber this...it might be different in the u.s.a but the book is the same the world over.....and it says this..THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR AA MEMBERSHIP IS THE DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING...you DONT have to DO anything..Just have the desire and if your friend got told that men are selfish in a AA meeting suggest to her that it might benifit her to go to a heathly AA meeting.....Thats my rant for today.
Sick meetings....nonsense gossip about AA....and meeting where you HAVE to do something.....does one thing
Drive the newcomer straight out the door or even worse not go and try it..
That said your post about assertiveness was interesting....
Its great to change but with me im a extremist.....im either 1% or 100% and as has already been said its difficult in the beginning to get the balance right.
I would assert myself to the point of aggressivness or go the other way.
It take time to get it right.
Plus people have to get used to the new you...like everyone else i steer away from negative people......with a passion.................trucker

shaun00

sorry frame that was a bit of a rant.....ive had a stressful week and i can get on my campaign horse sometimes...
What i meant to say was...thankyou for your post and i can relate to it.
I had problems with balancing being assertive and not coming over as aggressive.
Being an alcoholic.........i tend to do things 100% or 1% an extremist if you like..
I took a while to become a balance person.....and how i come across too others..
The other thing i had to consider was that the people around me were used to one person and i was now trying to be a different....some of them had problems with it..
I wanted to change and knew i had to get away from the old me.....but it took time..
Its great that you can see you need to change some parts of you..
I also needed to get away from a lot of negetive people that i was mixing with.
With time i moved away from the old shaun and learnt who the real me was.
A much more balanced person....and my aggressive streak has dissapeared.
One day at a time............it WILL happen...........trucker

kakell

Sounds like she's in the Domestic Violence program as well as AA. I don't think you are being selfish. It is not wrong to expect a "courtesy call" from someone you are in a relationship with.