So sorry
 

I feel I have to come clean here today.

Last night the pain in my hands became very bad and I started to obsess that perhaps a glass of wine would make it go away. I was curious about this being a symptom of withdrawal.

I convinced my husband that I should try one last time to be a "responsible drinker" and he confessed that he has missed drinking with me, so we shared a bottle of wine with and after dinner.

I am not sure what I am going to do now. My hands did, indeed, stop hurting and they do not hurt this morning. I know that this is not a good sign. I know that I cannot drink daily without feeding into the cycle of disrepair that is causing those symptoms. I need to sort this out.

Thank you all for your support here. Even though I was not ready to fully receive it, it has meant much to me.

Hi Laura,

I found that there were some physical issues that I had to deal with when I stopped drinking because the drinking had blotted the symptoms.

I hope you decide to stop drinking.

Laura, I to have been here and struggled with the changes in simple routines with my husband.

Thanks for being honest.

Hello, Laura. Have you talked with your doctor about this?

sounds like dr. time...i had non-alchohol issues which had to be adressed even those worsend or caused by alchohol use that a dr. ahd to work with me to resolve.

Thanks for letting us know what is going on.

I spent about 9 months trying "one last time" to control my drinking. Obsessing constantly about when my next drink was. Trying to space my drinks out. Trying not to order more than everyone else at the table when eating out. Marking bottles to indicate to my drunk self when I was supossed to stop.

During that 9 months, I drove drunk on the freeway with my children probably 30 times (always convincing myself that the 3 or glasses of wine I'd had weren't affecting me). I also took my littlest kids to the park and somehow rationalized that "a little" wine in a McDonald's large soda cup while watching them play was perfectly okay. I lied routinly to my parents and my spouse about drinking, telling myself that the next day would be different and I would do better.

I lost so much in those 9 months - my self respect, the trust of my spouse, my connection to truth.

All because each day I would wake up and tell myself that the lessons I should have learned weren't real. That things would be different. That I could control my drinking if I just tried harder. That there was nothing REALLY wrong with my drinking. That everyone was making more of it than they needed to.

The thing I'm so grateful for now is that I never physically hurt anyone. I ended up in the psych ward twice under incredibly humiliating circumstances. But only God kept me from accidently hurting someone else while driving.

Please think very carefully about what you are doing. And whether you are willing to risk basically everything in order to test one more time whether or not you can drink like a normal person.

Hi LauraS, ultimately it has to be your decision to stop drinking 100% but something that really has helped my husband is that we are doing it together. I don't have the addicitive issues that he does but I can see how my occassional drinking or having alcohol in the house would only make it harder on him. Might be something to talk about with your spouse. Of course whether he jumps on board or not, you are the one that has to decide what you are going to do.

Wow that just struck a chord with me.

Thanks, everyone, for your support. To respond to various questions and comments:

I have not yet talked with a doctor about the pain in my hands, since it just started this past week. I have had arthritis in my hip in the past, which responded well to glucosamine, so I may start that again to see if it helps.

I firmly believe that there is a solution to every problem. I don't believe in excuses but I also don't believe in making things unnecessarily difficult, either, so if this is going to be an issue I need to find a way to address it soon.

As for drinking responsibly in the meantime, I appreciate the experiences shared. My own track record indicates that I can only do that to a point, and that my drinking is a problem that is growing worse. It will need to be dealt with.

Fortunately I generally drink at home, at night, have no kids to endanger, and I haven't gotten behind the wheel of a car when drunk in probably something like 20 years, so that isn't likely to happen during the time it takes me to sort out the best approach to the physical issues. If I ever did do something like that, I would be the very first to see it as a BIG RED FLAG.

Do I need to quit? Without doubt. When I do, it will be with or without the support of my husband. I'm not doing this for him. Hopefully he will be supportive but, honestly, it's not up to him to change things around for my benefit. I know where to get liquor if I want it. Just need to figure out the best way to pick myself up and move forward.

hugs all around!

Hi Laura

If there is one thing I miss about drinking (there is a couple... but the big one) is having a couple with my wife while she had one at the end of the night... candles, music, etc...

I know she misses it too. She's non-A. She still has one at the end of the night.

But I agree with the other posts, especially mle-sober. I am an alcoholic. As much as I wish I could be non-A, I'm not. I'm 120 days today, we are working through it. I'm hopeful.

My wife is supportive. Sometimes her nightly drink gets to me, but much less lately. I agree with you, why should she change things around (well, she has, but not everything) for my benefit?

Keep coming back! There are people who know what you're going through here, I know I do!

Mark

Hi Laura!

In my experience, I continued to redefine what a "red flag" consisted of as I progressed further down the road of alcoholism. There was a time when, say, drinking before 5 o'clock or calling into work because of a hangover were absolute no-no's. But at some point they because ok as long as they only happened rarely. Driving drunk was still a no-no when I quit, but who knows for how long.

I suspect (and it's purely suspicion because I've never been affected by alcohol normally) that a normal drinker who didn't have a problem with alcohol would in fact see obsessing about a glass of wine as a red flag in and of itself. Now I know if someone had told me that before I was ready to hear it, I'd have justified "well, I wasn't really just obsessing... more just thinking about or curious about...." I certainly don't purport to know what your mental state was when you decided to have that glass, I'm just sharing my experiences with alcohol. I hope it doesn't offend.

Good luck to you as you examine what you need to do next. :hug:

Strongbird, your points are very well taken. Actually, last night I found myself making rules about how much I was going to drink from that bottle and when I was going to drink it, and as I watched the clock to abide by those rules I thought "how ridiculous this is," knowing full well that anyone who is not an alcoholic would not go through all this rigamarole around drink. My only advantage in this, perhaps, is that I did the same kinds of things when I was quitting smoking, so I am a little more aware of that addict behavior as I catch myself doing the same things here.

Mark, your post really hit home as well. I really enjoyed those mellow evenings with my husband, and I really enjoyed the not-so-mellow ones, too, when we'd get a little tipsy and turn the stereo up. We both love music. This is going to change the way we do things together, and that is something both of us will need to accept and find our peace with.

Took some glucosamine a few minutes ago. Again, I appreciate everyone's experience here. It helps a lot.

LauraS,

You're doing a good job. It's so difficult. I have nothing but respect for anyone attempting to honestly address their addictions. I've had a pretty hard life in some respects, and had to work through many quite difficult things. But finding sobriety and true, lasting recovery is the hardest thing I've ever done. Anyone who is facing that demon has my absolute respect.

- Emilie

Laura - as you and your husband learn this new dance, there will be missteps. What is true one day, may not be another. Be patient, don't rush things and know that it takes time. If you love and respect each other, it will work out. It seems to be for us, so far.

Emilie - Same here, both points.

Mark

Hi Laura and welcome,

I read through your post and can relate on some levels. In addition to being a recovering alcoholic I also deal wtih pain on a daily basis. For that I seek the advice of a medical professional who is aware of my addiction issues. Alcohol is not going to solve my pain (at least long term). Quite the contrary, my years of drinking alcohol wreaked so much pain on everyone I loved the most. I would highly encourage you to seek a medical opinion about the hand pain and see what they have to say. Oh yeah, when you deal with doctors it is best to let them know you are in recovery so they don't end up prescribing something that gives you cross addiction to pills!

As for wanting to spend the relaxing evening with hubby, I can certainly appreciate it. If you are strong enough to handle it could you have something like hot chocolate, mineral water with a twist of lime or other fruit, a fresh fruit slush, sparkling grape juice, anything tasty. Gives you something safe to drink but enables you to continue to spend time with him and unwind if you think this is something you can do.

I know you want to try to moderate your drinking one last time. I think we all tried this at one time or another. I wish you success but know that we are here for you. Here is a thought to ponder that I hear shared at AA.

"When I CONTROLLED my drinking I couldn't ENJOY it."
"When I ENJOYED my drinking I couldn't CONTROL IT."

If that statement strikes a chord with you at all then I urge you to be cautious about playing with fire but of course you are free to do as you choose.

Heres's wishing you all the best!
Kellye

I am back. I doubt that anyone here will remember me or this thread from January, but I am now once again on my fifth day of sobriety and feeling pretty good about it this time.

My hands so far are not painful and I am not feeling any real physical symptoms yet. I hope I do not have a recurrence of what happened the last time. I feel more comfortable about it now and have more peace with it.

I have gone to a meeting and this time I walked away with a sponsor. I will meet with her again tomorrow and plan to keep myself accountable this time. Let's just take it a day at a time.

Welcome back!

Welcome back Laura!

I do remember you..I replied to on your first post on 1/10/09.

Good for you for going to a meeting and walking away with a sponsor...wow.

And, you have friends here already at SR! Just keep posting.

Check out the forums...

We are a great bunch.

Good luck!

Hugs,

Sher

how did you go with the drinking lauras? Just out of interest? Did you fall back into a bad pattern?

Yes, Cab, I did. I started out by promising myself that I would be more careful to not overdo it and the idea that I was only going to give myself this one last chance at moderating my drinking.

One of my problems is that I really like to just have a couple of drinks in the evening to relax and sometimes I can do that effortlessly but eventually that "drink it all" switch gets flipped and I will have a night where I just cant, or don't want to, stop.

So I went along like I always do for a while, drinking every day and some days a bit more than others, but what I have had to acknowledge is that I am also becoming a mean and ugly drunk. My critical side seems to come out when I am drinking.

Unfortunately last weekend we went for dinner to a friend's house and I was already well into tying one on before we left, which continued with the drinks I was offered there and eventually ended up with me making a bit of a scene over a perceived slight from my husband at the dinner table :(

So, I determined the following day-- that was it. I can't control this and I can't control myself and I'm clean out of "trys" on that score. Only one thing left and that is to find a way to lasting sobriety. So here I am.